Home Would you hire a manny?

[TravelingGal]

Someone recently joked that I should hire a male nanny (manny). I thought about it and realized that I am not comfortable in hiring a manny.

Would you hire a manny? And if so, do you have a son or daughter?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

The only people I know who have hired mannys were ones with middle school aged sons who basically needed someone to drive them around, play sports and help with homework. I don''t know anyone who has hired them for lilttle kids, girl or boy.

Interesting question...

 

[Shoopy]

No.

I have a daughter.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hm, then this is discrimination, right? We''re not hiring them because they are men? Because they might not do the job as well? Not maternal enough? Because we fear that they might harm our kids?

What does this mean then, when people don''t want women to be firefighters? Not because they can''t do the job, but most women can''t do it as well as men (hoisting, etc.)

Just thinking outloud.

 

[Shoopy]

Don't know if its discrimination or not. I think that if someone else said they hired a manny for their daughter, I wouldn't think twice about it. But for me personally, I wouldn't want to.

I don't think of it from a maternal standpoint. I feel that for the hours I would have this "manny" he could very well pick up on things that she would need during those hours: hungry, change diaper, bored. It also doesn't take a mother to know when something is really wrong with a child and I would expect that anyone can tell when a child should be seen by a pedi or maybe even taken to the ER.

I will fully admit that its out of fear of the harming. There's also a part of me that fears my DD growing an attraction towards the manny (obviously not now but when she's a little older).

ETA: I was curious what other moms would think so I polled a mommy website. I'll let you know when more people respond

 

[pennquaker09]

Well, when we (and by we I mean me) were interviewing, I think they sent us a male. Which, I have to say, kind of surprised me. Wasn't really expecting that one, but he was totally qualified and I liked him, but Nate said no. The nannies in New York seem to be a different breed. I think every single person we interviewed had a degree from an elite college and spoke a language fluently, among other things.

It doesn't really bother me. I mean, that's why we check references and stuff. I don't think a male is any different than a female, both can make mistakes or do something they shouldn't do. I have a boy and a girl, but I could see where a parent with only girls would have an issue hiring a manny. Even though, it's kind of a double standard, but I think it's a natural thought.

I know a couple with a manny and they really like him.

 

[meresal]

It isn't discrimination, because it isn't a law. Yet. I don't know any day cares that are required to hire at least one man?

There is something about a man wanting to watch other people's children that doesn't strike me right. Most women are nurturing by nature, and though lots of men are great and loving dad's, you rarely see them give that same affection to other children. To be honest, I think in NYC and say, Chicago, this might be completely different, because being a nanny is very very common as a career, but around other parts of the nation, iut just isn't seen quite the same way. Ya know?

Just recently a friend of our family's daughter, who is about 3 yrs old was sitting on the couch with her dad, and he began rubbing her back. She made a comment about how "Mr.Daycare" did that during her naps. Well upon further questioning she told them that he had actually done MUCH more than rubbing her back, and after arresting "Mr. Daycare" they found out that he had an extensive history. He told the poilce that she reminded him of his daughter that he isn't allowed to visit anymore...

I am having a son, and I will be very hard pressed to put him into a daycare that has a male employee. Even more so if we have a daughter.

 

[Mara]

Hmm we're having a boy and I don't think that I would hire a manny for a baby, but maybe a slightly older boy or a toddler. I'd also want to make sure that Greg was ok with it because he might have some mental issue with a man taking care of his son, aka replacement issues.

Is it wrong to also say I'd want the manny to be gay and not straight? I think I might have safety issues with a man other than my husband or a family member hanging out in our house with our kid with or without us here.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think I''d be more prone to hire a manny if I lived in a place where nannying is a career (as the others mentioned). And I guess, yeah, it''s not discrimination, legally. But it is discriminatory in terms of hiring based on sex. Of course, I don''t see anything wrong with that when it comes to making a decision on who is to take care of your kids.

I bet if I found a great manny, I''d probably like him better than a nanny.

 

[jewelz617]

Probably not.

But then, I wouldn''t hire any nanny at all, male or female.

 

[Porridge]

I''m not a parent but this raises interesting points.

I am all for equality. But men and women are different. Equal. But different. I would rather have a strong man rescue me from a burning building that a woman of my build and strength. That doesn''t mean I think the man is better than the woman. It just means men generally have natural strengths in some areas, and women in others. Women are generally more nurturing. That gets lost sometimes when people get their panties in a twist about sexism issues. We have to acknowledge the differences between the sexes.
(There are exceptions of course! I can think of a few women who would be more than capable of dragging me from a burning building, and men that are great with children.)

Jeez, I don''t actually know how I could make this post any more PC!!!

But you get my drift.

 

[meresal]

Mara, my SIL has a gay friend in NYC that is a manny, 4 days a week.

 

[lilyfoot]

No, I wouldn't. And yes, it's because of fear of harm and I just don't think they can do the same job a woman could in this regard.

I don't have children yet, but the thought of leaving my child(ren) with any stranger gives me the creeps. I'm hoping I won't ever have to do that.

ETA: I forgot to mention, I'd be just as fearful of a woman hurting my child as a man.

 

[megumic]

Date: 1/25/2010 7:01:20 PM
Author: meresal
It isn't discrimination, because it isn't a law. Yet. I don't know any day cares that are required to hire at least one man?

Actually, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects employment discrimination by prohibiting unlawful employment practices by public and private employers, labor organizations, training programs and employment agencies based on race or color, religion, sex, and national origin.

So under Title VII, federal law prohibits discriminating based on sex in hiring practices. Although, I'm sure for the purposes of hiring a nanny or a manny, it would never be detected.

And for the record, I would hire a manny and I have no children. (Which may disqualify my vote, but I doubt this opinion will change once I have children.)

 

[packrat]

I wouldn''t. I feel odd at the thought of a man that I don''t know taking care of my kids. Bathing them? Helping them during potty training? I just..no. I have male friends I wouldn''t have a problem with, but I know them and am comfortable with them. Not that things don''t happen in families or by friends, I''m not saying that. Actually, one of our guy friends took care of his brothers kids for a few years, moved in w/them and everything. We asked him a few times when the kids were older and his brother and wife split up and he wasn''t going to be doing it anymore, if he''d move in and take care of our kids..he said he''s done with diapers haha. But, this is a guy I''ve known since grade school and I adore him.

Men can be nannies and be great and that''s wonderful..I''m just not comfortable with it myself. I''m of the mind that, if a woman wants to be a firefighter or a policeman or do construction, rock out and go for it. That''s fine if they want to do it..however..I do believe there are certain situations in which men are better suited for the job. Not that a woman couldn''t, I don''t want it to come across like women are only for makin the babies. Just men are better suited to certain things.

We have a woman cop now-first ever here. Not that women can''t be cops and be terrific at it. She''s small..and she''s scared. Not the best combo for a cop, methinks. A''course..there''s a bit of snarkiness on my part b/c my husband lost out on the job to her, but the last 2 times a woman applied and wasn''t hired the city was sued and lost, so go figure.

Some things are better suited to women, generally, and some things better suited to men, generally.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Well, one of the reasons I am opting for a daycare center over an in-home nanny is that concern of harm or negligence. It''s funny because when I sit on PS while Claire is playing on the floor, I think, Mommy needs a break! But if our nanny or manny were doing the same thing, I''d be mad. I figure staff in a center where there is no privacy have to be more vigilant and can''t just play on their blackberry or whatever all day. The downside is that the child has to leave home and be cared for by several different people each day.

Anyway, if I were going to hire a nanny, I would consider a man. Many men are staying home with kids these days, so I don''t buy the arguments about the nurturing instincts of men. I understand the fear of the manny turning out to be some predator, but I think a man with references and credentials whose salary you pay is an unlikely bet. Sometimes you just have to trust people. To be honest, my fear is more the day when Claire wants to go on sleepovers -- how do I know that some visiting uncle or boyfriend of the mom won''t turn out to be a creep?

 

[yssie]

A cousin has a manny. He's become a friend of their family, and my cousin (5, he's been around for four years now) loves him.



He just happened to be the most qualified candidate at the time they were looking, female or male.



Seeing this, I would have no problem choosing a male nanny should we decide we need one - it's a scientific, historical truth that women are more likely to tend toward nurture, but statistics don't matter on the individual scale - I just want the best person for the job.


I oppose affirmative action, I oppose this new trend of getting at least x representatives of every colour, gender, background and orientation in any given organization just for the sake of having politically correct brochures, I would oppose lowering physical requirements standards for women in occupations such as firefighting (I don't know if this is done - our county does not). The most qualified person should be hired, period.

 

[Octavia]

Author:[/b]megumic

Date: 1/25/2010 7:01:20 PM
Author: meresal
It isn''t discrimination, because it isn''t a law. Yet. I don''t know any day cares that are required to hire at least one man?

Actually, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects employment discrimination by prohibiting unlawful employment practices by public and private employers, labor organizations, training programs and employment agencies based on race or color, religion, sex, and national origin.

So under Title VII, federal law prohibits discriminating based on sex in hiring practices. Although, I''m sure for the purposes of hiring a nanny or a manny, it would never be detected.

And for the record, I would hire a manny and I have no children. (Which may disqualify my vote, but I doubt this opinion will change once I have children.)

Title VII only applies to employers with 15+ employees, so if the nanny is the only domestic worker the parent(s) employ, they likely wouldn''t be covered by the federal law. State laws may vary. So yes, it is discrimination, but probably not actionable discrimination.

I also have no problem with the concept of a manny, but if we ever have occasion to hire an in-home caregiver for our future children, it will come down to whoever we feel is best qualified and has the best personality for the job. I''d probably be inclined to go with a licensed daycare over in-home care, though.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 1/25/2010 11:05:33 PM
Author: Octavia

Author:[/b]megumic

Date: 1/25/2010 7:01:20 PM
Author: meresal
It isn''t discrimination, because it isn''t a law. Yet. I don''t know any day cares that are required to hire at least one man?

Actually, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 protects employment discrimination by prohibiting unlawful employment practices by public and private employers, labor organizations, training programs and employment agencies based on race or color, religion, sex, and national origin.

So under Title VII, federal law prohibits discriminating based on sex in hiring practices. Although, I''m sure for the purposes of hiring a nanny or a manny, it would never be detected.

And for the record, I would hire a manny and I have no children. (Which may disqualify my vote, but I doubt this opinion will change once I have children.)

Title VII only applies to employers with 15+ employees, so if the nanny is the only domestic worker the parent(s) employ, they likely wouldn''t be covered by the federal law. State laws may vary. So yes, it is discrimination, but probably not actionable discrimination.

I also have no problem with the concept of a manny, but if we ever have occasion to hire an in-home caregiver for our future children, it will come down to whoever we feel is best qualified and has the best personality for the job. I''d probably be inclined to go with a licensed daycare over in-home care, though.

Yes discrimination is illegal in 6 states: "New Jersey, Virginia, Maine, Colorado, South Dakota and Alaska, plus the District of Columbia"

Interesting topic Tgal. I work as a behavior therapist and our companies methods are very play-based and child-led. We do have some men that work as 1:1 therapists and honestly they are AMAZING with the children. Not all of them are gay either! I have to say I am honestly blown away at how great they are. Not only can they be nurturing and loving but just really creative with engaging and teaching kids. And the physical strength doesn''t hurt either... So yes without a doubt, I would hire one of my friends to babysit for me and I''d be open to hiring a male nanny as well.

Discrimination is an interesting topic when it comes to nannies. A bunch of frequently asked questions of nannies (some of which I''ve personally encountered) might include:
- What is your sexual orientation?
- Are you married?
- When do you plan to have children of your own?
- What is your religion?
- How religious are you?
- Do you have AIDS?
and so on....

As I said these questions are illegal in some states. Here''s a little article on the topic: http://www.nanny.org/pdf/wsj121406.pdf

I do know that a lot of nannies are discriminated based on race, age and weight. Sometimes families request pictures to be sent with a resume. I am fairly petite but was asked once in an in-person interview if I could walk at least 4 miles a day, I''d bet that family would never hire a woman who was overweight. Some people are uncomfortable with older people because they feel they can''t keep up, some people prefer older women because they are seen as nurturing.

It''s just such a sensitive area because you are trying to find someone you trust to stay with your kids, but it also has to be someone that fits. As an athiest, I wouldn''t care if my nanny was religious unless she was trying to convert my children. Just because a person is relgious doesn''t mean they would do that so I don''t think that would be an important question for me to ask in interview. I''d just try and find someone who behaved professionally at all times. However, there are some families who are super-relgious and would want a nanny who could help teach about religion. It doesn''t really bother me if they want to find someone that is a better fit for their family. So while I''m not a fan of discrimination, I see why some of these questions are asked. And if I feel like a potential employer is getting to into my business I''m not going to want to work for them anyway so it doesn''t really bother me.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

If I was going to trust anyone to that extent with my child I wouldn't choose a person based on gender.

DH is a better carer than I am, more 'maternal' so maybe that colours my view of gender roles in this situation, but I would pick the person, not the gender (or any other characteristic over which we have no choice or control).

Something about an a presumption against a male carer realy gets my hackles up, because it isn't such a long time since I'd have struggled to get into the career I want because of my gender. There are men who make excellent child carers and men who do not. Same with women. Gender does not come in to this, for me.

Some men abuse children in their care, or fail to look after them adequately, and so do some women. When I worked, I met an awful lot more women in prison for offences against children than I ever did men. Ok, that's anecdotal, more women have access, opportunity etc, but the actual nature of the offences did not make me more inclined to trust a woman with my child solely based on gender.

Amelia is happier with men anyway. She doesn't care much for women, other than a certain favoured few. She'll go to my father before she'll go to my mother, my friends' husbands before my friends (and half the time, DH before me). She doesn't like to be held by women at all. On the basis of her clear preference, I'd have to at least consider a man if he was equally qualified etc. I don't feel any instinctive or intuitive bias against men in this role, at all.

Jen

 

[Shoopy]

I''m probably alone in my thinking but I feel that when it comes to who is watching your child while you work, as a parent you have every right to use whatever methodology for finding who you feel is best. It''s one of those areas where I feel its appropriate to go with your gut.

It''s hard enough leaving a small child behind while you work 10 to 12 hours a day. I can''t imagine how much worse it would be if you left your child with someone you aren''t really comfortable with.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I can't possibly disagree with that, Fiery. What I personally cannot say is that my gut would tell me a man is by definition the wrong choice.

ETA what I mean is I would hire a manny I was confident in before I would hire a nanny I was not confident it and in deciding where to place my confidence, gender would not get a weighting.

 

[purselover]

Maybe I am extremely naive (seeing as I don''t have kids) but I''m surprised how many people are so suspicious of mannies. I would have no problem hiring a manny to watch any future child I have, maybe it is the NYC thing b/c I just don''t find mannies any less trustworthy than nannies regardless of the sex of my child. I will have to ask DH tonight what he thinks.

 

[Lauren8211]

I would not ever let a man watch my kids unless he was a close friend. But I'm jaded.

This would be for my theoretical kids!

 

[megumic]

double post - sorry.

 

[megumic]

Date: 1/26/2010 9:07:43 AM
Author: purselover
Maybe I am extremely naive (seeing as I don''t have kids) but I''m surprised how many people are so suspicious of mannies. I would have no problem hiring a manny to watch any future child I have, maybe it is the NYC thing b/c I just don''t find mannies any less trustworthy than nannies regardless of the sex of my child. I will have to ask DH tonight what he thinks.

I second this entirely; and no, purselover you are not naive. But I also agree with fiery that it is definitely a "gut" decision.

 

[lucyandroger]

My FBIL is a behavior therapist for autistic children, providing one-on-one therapy, and is AMAZING with kids. Just a few months after he got his current job, word traveled about how great he is and parents started requesting that he be put onto their child''s therapy team. He is creative, funny, and really understands children in a way that I know I can''t.

One of the girls he had been working with for about a year just started potty training and so he was taken off her team and replaced by a woman. He understood but was really upset because he had made so much progress with this girl. Also, the implication is pretty insulting. They don''t take women off of the therapy team when a little boy starts potty training...

Ultimately, it''s a gut decision but you might be missing out if you refuse to consider certain types of people.

 

[steph72276]

Nope, not while they were babies/toddlers. I wouldn''t mind a male elementary school teacher though, as I have some great guy friends that are awesome with kids and teach the younger ones.

 

[janinegirly]

I think mannies are a great thing and would love to see TGAL hire one (I bet TGUY feels differently .

But it''s all about preference (and not discrimination in my opnion) and I have to admit I''d probably still prefer a female. Just like some might say they prefer an older nanny or younger nanny--it''s all about what you''re comfortable which is pretty crucial since this is who you''re leaving your child with!

Think about doctors..I''m sure some of us prefer female docs over male ones...both are perfectly qualified, but there just might be one you feel more comfortable with. And that''s ok!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/26/2010 10:17:26 AM
Author: janinegirly
I think mannies are a great thing and would love to see TGAL hire one (I bet TGUY feels differently .

But it''s all about preference (and not discrimination in my opnion) and I have to admit I''d probably still prefer a female. Just like some might say they prefer an older nanny or younger nanny--it''s all about what you''re comfortable which is pretty crucial since this is who you''re leaving your child with!

Think about doctors..I''m sure some of us prefer female docs over male ones...both are perfectly qualified, but there just might be one you feel more comfortable with. And that''s ok!

Well, that''s exactly another point I was going to bring up.

Even if I did find someone I like, I don''t think my husband would go for it. My husband is a manly aussie bloke.

I think he would find it disconcerting that a male would want to be a nanny. And even if he didn''t (because TGuy can be shockingly progressive sometimes), as a father, his gut instinct would be to keep males away from his daughter!

I work from home, so I''d probably be the perfect person to try a manny for Amelia. But in a world of "what if''s", I believe that my child''s safety as well as MY OWN has better odds in the hands of a nanny. If the person turned out to be a psycho, I''m better equipped to fend of a woman over a man.

And let''s face it...statistically, most sexual offenders are male.