Would you be disappointed?

[diamondindisguise]

I don''t want to tie this to my regular screen name. I''m going to try not to come across as ungrateful. I know I''ve seen posts like these on PS in the past and rolled my eyes. If I am truly deserving of a reality check then by all means, go ahead and give me one.

My SO ended up telling me about my diamond. No proposal, but I know what I am getting because he showed me the specifications.

He ignored everything I told him I wanted. This is what I find upsetting. I don''t know why he bothered asking me at all. He asked for some guidance awhile ago, so I sent him a few ACA RB from WhiteFlash and wrote "Anything along these lines. I think cut matters most, then clarity and color last. I don''t care about the color. I would be happy with an I or a J. Cut is my priority."

He ends up with a D-colour, very good cut diamond. Huh? Why waste all of the money to get a D when I flat out told him that I do not care about color?

I haven''t seen it yet, so it may be very pretty in person. I am trying to reserve judgement. However, he picked it through a diamond broker. He didn''t even go pick it out in person so it isn''t as though he picked the stone that was calling out to him!

I am left feeling like he picked at random, almost. I am a little hurt. He did not end up spending much (a lot less than I expected, given what he has said in the past but that''s okay) so I guess that is one upside.

 

[trillionaire]

I would suspend judgment until I saw the ring/stone. You might be quite pleased!

 

[4ever]

Yea, try not to be dissapointed, I''m sure it will be lovely.

Maybe he just didn''t get that you felt so strongly about hightest cut with whatever colour to keep it in budget. If he dosn''t know diamonds he could probably be fairly easily influenced by a broker that D colour is what all girls really want. I''ve had plenty of local diamond sellers turn their noses up at me for asking to see an ex/ideal cut in a j/k colour and tell me how yellow these will look and I really should look at higher coloured stones. Similarily, that you can''t tell the difference betwen exellent cut and very good with the naked eye either, so why pay extra for it? *sigh*

Seriously, I''m sure it will be a very pretty stone that you will be really pleased with in person.

 

[neatfreak]

Have you asked him to explain his "process"? If he THINKS that he listened to you and just got it wrong (i.e., "she told me that color doesn''t matter but she''s going to LOVE this D and I got a very good cut which is really good!") that is VERY different in my eyes than if he ignored you altogether KWIM?

If he put a lot of thought into it and got it wrong I would chalk it up to a mars/venus thing. If he blatantly ignored what you talked about and didn''t put any effort into choosing it then I''d be pissed.

Either way you might want to feel him out on this. Can he return it? Was he showing it to you for approval? Or because he already bought it? Was he blase about it or super excited?

Only you know him best.

 

[diamondindisguise]

Everyone has made some very good points. Thank you for not flaming me. I'm still processing everything. To know that he even purchased a stone was a big surprise in and of itself. I did not even know he was shopping yet. I am obviously happy about that and I'm trying to keep that in mind.

Neatfreak, you may be right in that he seems to think he did an okay job. To be fair, I can't say he didn't do a good job since I haven't seen the stone in person yet.

My understanding is that he gave the broker a price range and that most of the stones he showed my SO were pretty similar. My guess is that none of the stones he showed my SO were ideal cut. In my other post, I paraphrased what I told him because I didn't want to find my old email to him. However, I really did try to emphasize cut and in particular, hearts and arrows. Perhaps I didn't express myself clearly enough to him, but I also did not want to appear demanding.

I would say he put some effort in, but not as much as I believe such a large financial investment warrants. I suppose not everyone researches their purchases to death the way that I do, but I think he could have tried a little bit harder. I see the jump between ideal and very good as quite large. Maybe I am being biased by the knowledge I've gained on PS. I know most people in real life aren't nearly as diamond savvy as PS posters.

I suppose some of my displeasure stems from the fact that I don't think he got a very good deal for the money. He didn't get ripped off, but he certainly did not get what he could have for the price. Plus, if I had known his price range, I would have given serious consideration to an eternity band in lieu of a traditional solitaire. Again, not trying to sound bratty, but for the price it would have been a better buy. I'm no size queen, but he seriously had told me he intended to spend two to three times as much as he did and that influenced the ideas I gave him.

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Has he set the stone yet? I know you may not know that, but if you are going to express these feelings to him, now would be a better time than once the stone is set. It may not make him thrilled, and I know some PSer''s would say wait, but if it was me, I would want to communicate with my BF about it. It seems like you have a lot of feelings about this, and it is important to you, (based on your posts), so I think you may want to fix this before a return policy is too late.

Do you think he would be hurt? Only you know what is right for you and your BF.

Good luck!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Did you want a bigger diamond? Is that why you are upset?
Maybe you should tell him that you were willing to compromise on color because you were hoping for a bigger size?
He might still be able to return it.

 

[bee*]

I''d wait and see it before being disappointed. The broker probably emphasized the colour when he was in there and I''d say that your bf probably thought that he was doing the best thing and getting a D. As for if I''d be disappointed, I''d probably be a little if it was totally different from what I say I liked, but again I''d have to see it first.

 

[4ever]

I don''t think you sound "bratty" about this, this is just not what you expected from previous discussions with your BF. That''s understandable.

You either need to try and be happy with what you''ve got or talk to BF and ask if there is a return policy if you just can''t bring yourself to be happy with this.

 

[LilyKat]

Is it already a done deal? Has he paid for the diamond? Is there a return or exchange policy?

If there is any chance of changing it, I would. I would sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that while you honestly appreciate the effort and thought he put into picking the diamond, it isn''t what you want. That you would rather be honest now and get something you truly love and will be happy with forever. Show him what you could get for exactly the same price that would make you happy, and explain again why.

I just think it''s better to address it now, when there still might be a possibility for correcting it, rather than breeding resentment while you''re trying to like it. Just don''t blame him for not listening to you or take it out on him - it''s easy to be swayed by a dealer if you''re not confident about an area, and I''m sure he did his best. Don''t feel hurt. Just work on fixing it and coming to an outcome you''re both happy with.

 

[allycat0303]

I think what you are most worried about is that he bought a D colored and he could have bought you a bigger stone if you got a I or a J colored stone. There''s nothing wrong with that. Perhaps he put a bigger budget then you thought and you will have gotten the same size as previously thought, except with a better color.

I think that most girls here wouldn''t be upset if their husband bought them the EXACT same sized stone but in a better color grade. As for cut. My sister had a D coloured diamond. Cut that was very good. It was gorgeous, gorgeous. No one could tell the difference between her and my diamond. I really think you should let your guy run with it. You may be quite surprised at how pretty it is. I think bringing it up now is going to make the process less enjoyable for him at this point.

 

[ckrickett]

what I might do if it isn''t a done deal is search through vendor sites and find some exact diamonds you like and show them to him.
Maybe SEEING what he wants rather then hearing "ideal cut" would be better. SA are very smooth talkers and might convinve him that "well she doesnt really NEED an ideal cut diamond, they are so rare and to expensive, see look at this one its practically the same!"

plus online vendors are not nearly as inflated (usually).

http://jamesallen.com/ is a good start

 

[Dreamer1116]

I would be disappointed! You don''t need a reality check--your concern is legit. I would be disappointed because you gave him clear examples and told you what was most important to YOU, even if he thought otherwise. Now, if you hadn''t given him any guidance than you wouldn''t have a case. However, this just sounds like to me a case of your boyfriend thinking he knows best and probably a mixture of lack of knowledge and so the diamond broker could coax him in another direction. If I were him, I would have went searching for YOUR ideal diamond armed with the information you gave him. I know other posters will tell you not to be disappointed and maybe he got confused, but he should have really took what you said to heart. There is nothing to be confused about when someone says: "color is not that important to me, I or J will do" and then he gets D, the most perfect white diamond. "Cut is the most important C to ME", and he gets Very Good. I would be irritated. I don''t like when people completely disregard what you say because they think they know what''s best or you should just be satisfied--I am quite sensitive in that regard. I think it is very important to LISTEN to the needs and wants of your spouse, especially with something like this. This is not an attack on your relationship, and I am sure his intentions were well meaning, but he should have just listened to what you wanted. All in all...I REALLY hope you love the diamond. What are the stats, as far as proportions, clarity, and carat (if you don''t mind me asking)? What is the HCA score?

 

[Indylady]

I''m not trying to flame you, its not wrong to have a dream ring in mind. You''re going to be wearing this baby for the rest of your life, you should be happy with it.

It sounds like you''re really unhappy. I think that you and SO are have had a misunderstanding.
You sent him examples of what you''d like.
He took it to be a suggestion.
You we''re suggesting. You were telling him exactly, and only, what you want.

In the non-diamond world, ''very good'' seems similar enough to ''ideal'', which is exactly what CK said. As for him getting a D instead of an I, it sounds like you said, ''I don''t care about the color''. So he felt free to get you a higher color than you wanted; you say that you don''t care, implying he could get buy any color at all. So he picked a D. But what I''m reading is that your ''I don''t care about the color'' statement actually means ''I am not color sensitive and would like an I or J so I could have a larger or more ideal cut diamond within my budget''. That is an inference that is probably difficult for the average, non-diamond interested person, to come up with.

I don''t think you''re expecting too much from him to have the engagement ring of your dreams. You''ve explained to him what you''d like; but, you haven''t explained that that is the only way you''d like it, period. You don''t want to appear demanding, but you know exactly what you want (and it sounds like its also the ''only'' way you want it, because otherwise you might rather have a eternity ring). I think you need to speak up and tell him that you have very specific expectations when it comes to your engagement ring.

 

[iheartscience]

I would be extremely irritated if I were you, so I don''t think you''re being bratty at all. If I were in your shoes I probably would have told him everything you''re telling us right when he showed you the diamond, actually.

I assume your boyfriend either wanted input or was at least okay getting input from you, so it''s kind of crazy that he then ignored it. You gave him very specific parameters based on your preferences and known budget and then it sounds like he disregarded everything. He may not have consciously meant to, as neatfreak pointed out, but he pretty much did. As for the price, if you discussed a budget that I assume you can both afford, why then buy something 2 to 3 times less expensive?

Honestly, I would bring it up now. He hasn''t proposed yet so there''s less emotional attachment on both of your parts to the diamond at this point. I personally couldn''t pretend to like something that was really not what I wanted. A very good cut, D color diamond that is a third less expensive than what your boyfriend had thrown out as the budget seems pretty far off from what you want.

You''re going to be wearing this ring for the rest of your life, so there''s no reason to let him waste thousands of dollars on something you won''t be happy with. I''m sure if you bring it up in a calm discussion he''ll understand. He might be disappointed at first but I can''t imagine he wants you to have an engagement ring you don''t love.

 

[HopeDream]

Oh DD, I feel for you!

I would also be upset were I in your position. I think your feelings are natural and appropriate. You gave him an idea of your criteria, good vendors to work with(with appropriate diamonds in stock) and so you expected he should have no trouble meeting your wishes.

On the positive side, your BF was so concerned about this purchase, that he brought in an expert to help find the best diamond (This means he probably didn't trust himself not to F it up buying it alone).This is good - it shows he knows it's important.

I wonder if...

A) The diamond broker steamrolled him, and convinced him that you didn't know what you were talking about, and your boy just trusted him. (If the salesman is slick enough, the customer has almost no chance).
(a diamond from someone 20 years in the Biz vs one from some "faceless online con-job" - you make the call.)


OR

B) Terminology confusion all over
There was confusion about "ideal cut" - some people and stores describe all RBs as "ideal cut" because the RB shape is ideal for light reflection - perhaps cut somehow translated to the broker as shape? (round diamond? check, decent clarity? check, I can max out on color? bonus!check)

Could the dealer have convinced your boy the hearts and arrows were simply some expensive gimmick? (possibly didn't know that unbranded H&As exist?)

I also wonder if your BF though you were being coy about color? maybe he thinks he's fulfilling a secret desire(D color) that you had written off as too expensive?

Some people get clarity and color mixed up - (Would you consider yellow tinted water to be clear? - maybe not. Sometimes clear = colorless).
Maybe he got stressed out and got all the attributes mixed up in his head?


It seems to be really bugging you, so it's probably important that you have a chat with your guy.
Will he let you see the unset diamond? It might not be as bad as you think.

If a change does need to be made, when discussing it, put the blame on the broker and his limited selection. Give your man some time to get used to the idea that a change may be necessary - he could be upset at first, let him adjust.

Explain that the element of surprise isn't as important as having something you love for the rest of your life. - (Maybe he will let you pick one out?)

If the diamond isn't returnable, maybe an upgrade down the road? - the present stone is probably plenty sparkly and would still look great in a pendant.

I know you're an intelligent woman with a good head on her shoulders and valid concerns - this is a big investment and I want it to work out for both of you!

best,
HD

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/15/2009 12:29:23 AM
Author: diamondindisguise
I see the jump between ideal and very good as quite large. Maybe I am being biased by the knowledge I''ve gained on PS. I know most people in real life aren''t nearly as diamond savvy as PS posters.

I think this IS biased. Most people don''t understand what a wide range this can be-so if you talk to him about it be careful to tread delicately.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 8/14/2009 11:14:18 PM
Author:diamondindisguise

I don''t want to tie this to my regular screen name. I''m going to try not to come across as ungrateful. I know I''ve seen posts like these on PS in the past and rolled my eyes. If I am truly deserving of a reality check then by all means, go ahead and give me one.

My SO ended up telling me about my diamond. No proposal, but I know what I am getting because he showed me the specifications.

He ignored everything I told him I wanted. This is what I find upsetting. I don''t know why he bothered asking me at all. He asked for some guidance awhile ago, so I sent him a few ACA RB from WhiteFlash and wrote ''Anything along these lines. I think cut matters most, then clarity and color last. I don''t care about the color. I would be happy with an I or a J. Cut is my priority.''

He ends up with a D-colour, very good cut diamond. Huh? Why waste all of the money to get a D when I flat out told him that I do not care about color?

I haven''t seen it yet, so it may be very pretty in person. I am trying to reserve judgement. However, he picked it through a diamond broker. He didn''t even go pick it out in person so it isn''t as though he picked the stone that was calling out to him!

I am left feeling like he picked at random, almost. I am a little hurt. He did not end up spending much (a lot less than I expected, given what he has said in the past but that''s okay) so I guess that is one upside.

It could very well be that he got a diamond that was borderline ideal/very good. Very good diamonds can also have a lot of brilliance and fire. It doesn''t sound to me at all like he disregarded your feelings. A more likely scenario to me would be that the broker told your fiance he would be giving up a smidge in cut but be moving up a lot in color. I really wouldn''t hold the "very good" label against it. When GIA reworked their cut grades, some diamonds that previously qualified as ideal fell under the very good category.

 

[D&T]

Date: 8/15/2009 3:24:54 AM
Author: kribbie
Did you want a bigger diamond? Is that why you are upset?
Maybe you should tell him that you were willing to compromise on color because you were hoping for a bigger size?
He might still be able to return it.

ditto. You can try and inquire if the ring/diamond has already been bought, maybe just start visiting the idea of diamonds and rings again and emphasize cut and color. So he might re-think of either going with the diamond or return if he can

 

[brightlight]

I also wanted to add that it sounds like you guys are falling into the it''s "not a surprise but it is a surprise" trap. When my hubby and I decided to get engaged, I was conflicted between whether I wanted the ring to be a surprise (romance) or not (practicality). Ultimately, I decided I would rather know and be happy with the ring than be surprised. It turned out to be better and more romantic than being surprised, because picking out the diamond and designing the ring was a joint experience and the ring truly represents our relationship. There was a little surprise too b/c I didn''t see the actual ring until he proposed, which was also a surprise.

Perhaps you two could find a similar compromise. Maybe pick out the diamond together, and he could surprise you with the setting and proposal.

 

[princessplease]

Date: 8/14/2009 11:29:51 PM
Author: trillionaire
I would suspend judgment until I saw the ring/stone. You might be quite pleased!

Ditto! Just wait to see it, and then decide how you feel.

 

[AustenNut]

I don''t have a lot to add to what the other posters have said, but do you think you''re one of those people who may want to upgrade in the future? That seems very common on the PS boards and that may be an option that you were planning to exercise as well.

Also, I might post this question on the RockyTalky board to get the opinion of some guys. Because a lot of them seem to feel very strongly about their search for the right stone/ring for their gal and I suspect they would be rather hurt if they found out that she was totally displeased with their selection. Granted, they are here researching on PS, but your guy may not have been aware of the site or may have misunderstood what you were asking for.

Lastly, wait until you see the diamond. There''s an excellent chance that it will look bright and sparkly and everything nice. Sometimes stats just bias the mind because you can have beautiful stones that don''t have the perfect stats.

Hoping you''ll like the diamond!