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Wedding Would this annoy you?

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robbie3982

robbie3982

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DH just sent me an email saying when his friend D''s wedding is and that his best friend B put him down as his date.

Ok, I''m annoyed at DH and B now. Obviously DH and I aren''t invited. Ok, that''s fine. DH hasnt'' been super close with D for a while and I''ve only met him a few times and you have to cut the guest list off somewhere. B was apparently invited with guest, but I''m willing to bet that they only did that because he has a serious gf, so she was supposed to be his guest, not just ANY guest.

So, I''m annoyed at how clueless these 2 are about wedding etiquette, but I''m also kind of annoyed that DH would want to go to a wedding without me! It''s an in-town wedding, so no travel required. I feel like it wouldn''t bother me if the two of us had been invited, but it was out of town and we couldn''t/didn''t want to spend the money for both of us to go so we decided he''d go alone since it was his friend.

Would this bother you or is my PMS getting the best of me? I haven''t said anything to DH yet.
 
It would probably bug me a little, but I''d get over it pretty fast. Unless you reeeeeally wanted to go, I''d just schedule a girls'' night that night, and live it up while he''s at the wedding.
 
I think it would bug me too, but I don''t know if that''s because I''m in the midst of trying to control a guest list myself.

But yeah, if it''s obvious who his guest was supposed to be, and he decided to substitute someone else... kinda uncool, from the bride''s perspective, IMO. If it were me, I''d probably say something to my guy, just a "hey just so you know, maybe not the coolest move" more as a warning that it may kinda bug the bride and/or groom, rather than a "hey you''re pissing me off"
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haha
 
Naw. Wouldn''t annoy me. I *love* getting out of having to go to weddings I don''t really know the people that well. Would HUGELY prefer if DH piggy backed on a friends invite rather than drag my lazy, petulantly-dressed up a** along. And I don''t give a hoot what the bride is thinking -- if she''d wanted to invite the g-f she should have NAMED HER. A guest is guest -- whoever can come. My own good friend couldn''t bring her husband cuz they''d just had a baby -- he was home with the kids so she invited a mutual friend of ours (a guy) who''d just not made it on our list. It was AWESOME. I''m better friends with the person who came than her husband. (Though I like him).

Not worth getting upset over at all.
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I do not think your husband is wrong at all for going without you. You are married, not attached at the hip. It would be rude for them to send him an invitation and not include his wife, but your husband is going as someone else's guest. Even if they had sent him an invite without his wife due to budget constraints, that is not your husband's fault.


I have two ladies that I worked with a few years ago. I might consider inviting one of them (I was way closer to her) and allowing her to bring a guest. I haven't spoken to her in a while, so I don't know if she is seeing anyone seriously. Maybe she will bring an SO. Maybe she will choose to bring her daughter (I met her daughter several times) or maybe she will chosse to invite the other lady in the office since the second lady also knew me and might enjoy the wedding. The second lady is married. I can't imagine her getting upset because she can't bring her husband.

The fact is that they invited B, not your husband. They allowed B to bring a guest. I have never known anyone to care whether that guest is an SO or not. The bride and groom will probably be happy that the guest is someone they know instead of a random date. It stinks for you to miss a fun night of dancing and being dressed up with your husband, but nobody is in the wrong here, in my opinion.

that's my two cents.
 
While I dont think you have any grounds to be pissed off, if I was your husband, I wouldn''t want to go to a buddy''s wedding if I hadn''t been actually invited.
 
yeah, i''m with sufgirl--i''d feel funny about it if i were him. but i also agree that if the friend specifically intended for the invitee to bring his SO, they should have gone to the trouble to know what her name is and write it on the invitation. if the couple has been together for that long and is serious, i personally think it''s a slip in etiquette for the girlfriend''s name not to have been on the invitation in the first place!

if your DH goes, just grab a few girlfriends and head out on your own--betcha you''ll have a much better time than your DH does!
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Date: 5/21/2008 1:48:02 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I do not think your husband is wrong at all for going without you. You are married, not attached at the hip. It would be rude for them to send him an invitation and not include his wife, but your husband is going as someone else''s guest. Even if they had sent him an invite without his wife due to budget constraints, that is not your husband''s fault.


I have two ladies that I worked with a few years ago. I might consider inviting one of them (I was way closer to her) and allowing her to bring a guest. I haven''t spoken to her in a while, so I don''t know if she is seeing anyone seriously. Maybe she will bring an SO. Maybe she will choose to bring her daughter (I met her daughter several times) or maybe she will chosse to invite the other lady in the office since the second lady also knew me and might enjoy the wedding. The second lady is married. I can''t imagine her getting upset because she can''t bring her husband.

The fact is that they invited B, not your husband. They allowed B to bring a guest. I have never known anyone to care whether that guest is an SO or not. The bride and groom will probably be happy that the guest is someone they know instead of a random date. It stinks for you to miss a fun night of dancing and being dressed up with your husband, but nobody is in the wrong here, in my opinion.

that''s my two cents.
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Hey Robbie - I don''t think it is worth being upset with your DH. I do think that maybe it isn''t the best move on B''s part having your DH as his guest, unless he has spoken to the groom to discuss. I mean - if I didn''t invite someone to my wedding and then they showed up as a guest, I may feel reallly awkward. "Uhh...Hi. Sorry I couldn''t invite you." You know?

However, I can definitely imagine a situation where the B&G are trying to keep their list small and feel like they can''t invite all 4 of you. So they may have said to B - "i''m inviting you, but would really love it if you could bring Robbie''s DH because we''d love to see both of you, but can''t afford all 4". So that is possible.

I went to a wedding just like that, where the bride (my good friend) invited one of our single friends and asked if she could bring another one of our friends as her ''date''. It was with the intention of keeping numbers low, but she really wanted to have both friends come if possible.

Granted - both of the girls were single, so I think it is more appropriate in this context. I''m just trying to think of reasons why this scenario could happen.

Bottom line - I wouldn''t be annoyed with DH. I''d just think it may be uncomfortable for him and the B&G if he wasnt'' invited on purpose.

I also think that if they really wanted your DH there, they should invite both of you. You are married. It is the right thing to do.

I''m rambling. haha sorry about that. Back to work!
 
This is a tough one for me because while I don''t think it''s wrong for him to go without you, it would also bug me a little bit I know. I would soon get over it and go out with the girls, like mentioned above. I am sure he would prefer that you go with him, but you weren''t invited.

I actually went as my gf''s date to a wedding not too long ago, but that was to check out the venue for myself. I felt really bad leaving FI at home too. I have girls nights quite a bit, but I still would say FI and I are pretty attached at the hip. Nothing wrong with that.
 
Add me to the list of people who wouldn''t care that DH went without me, but would probably let him know that he was not the intended guest. It might be strange for the couple to have your DH show up after making a decision not to invite you guys. I know the cut-off point has to be somhwhere and they''d probably like for you both to come, but just having your DH come through an "and guest" loophole might be uncomfortable.

Did B''s girlfriend tell B that she did not want to go? If not, this might not be going over well with her and maybe it will work itself out without you having to say anything :)
 
I wouldn't let it bother you, when I first read this, I figured "B" was a girl, that would be a different story. I don't think it is about your DH "wanting" to go to a wedding without you, he was just invited as someone's "plus one"; maybe B's girlfriend can't make the date? Did he say WHY he invited DH and not his girlfriend? I also don't think it has anything to do with wedding etiquette- if someone is invited with "plus one", they should be able to bring anyone. I think it always helps to play a little role reversal...what if your friend was inviting you as her "plus one"...no big deal right?
 
If i was the couple hosting the wedding, I might actually feel a little weird at B bringing your husband as his guest.

For whatever reason, they did not invite the two of you. I know, for me, it would be a little weird if people I knew and chose not to invite showed up. Of course, if it was just a space issue, they may be happy to see your husband. But I think even if that were the case they might also feel a little guilty/embarassed they didnt invite him in the first place.

Because our wedding venue only fits 50, we are having to leave quite a few people off of the guest list. Most of these people are FI''s friends. Though I am only using up 7 spots for guest from "my side" the wedding is near where he grew up so he has a mass of people around that he could have invited. Most people were left off because of space, however one person on FI side we are leaving off intentionally (one of his ex girlfriends). They grew up together but have not spoken in years and she lives a few hours out of town so we do not feel too bad not sending her an invite. Unfortunately, she happens to be the sister of the best man. The best man just split with his long time girlfriend (like 7 years). Because I think it isnt very nice to invite an adult to a wedding without a guest, especially one so close to the bride and groom, his invitation wiill read "and guest". FI and I would not be very thrilled if he brought his sister or a spouse of one of FI''s other friends we could not invite as his guest. The sister for obvious reasons, and half of a couple we couldnt invite because we feel that would be more hurtful to the spouse we didnt have room for.


*Before I get flamed from those out there that think it is wrong to not invite the ex =) Of the three women FI dated before me, the other two are married/dating FIs friends and they, of course, received invites and will be attending. So it isn''t only a "just b/c she is an ex girlfriend" thing. I just have never met this person before and see no reason why she has to be at our wedding, especially when FI doesnt care about having her there either.
 
Date: 5/21/2008 2:09:02 PM
Author: Gwyn
If i was the couple hosting the wedding, I might actually feel a little weird at B bringing your husband as his guest.
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Ditto. Going to a wedding with someone else''s husband as their date? Weird. I do think I would be bothered if it happened to me!
 
Hey, just wanted to clarify some things:

-Both B and D are guys.
-DH doesn't know why B's gf isn't coming. I think she has to go out of town for work a lot so that could be why.
-I'm not mad at DH, more like just kind of annoyed at the whole situation and I fully recognize that I might have zero reason to be annoyed, hence I asked the question
-My being annoyed has nothing to do with really wanting to go (I didn't even remember D was getting married and neither of us have ever met his FI). I think everything is either annoying me or making me burst into tears this week (definitely cried at an onstar commercial the other day while I was driving...)


ETA: I'm not sure how long B and his gf have been together, but they'd been together at least a few months when DH and I got married so they have to have been dating for about a year at this point. Long enough to make her a significant gf in my opinion, but not necessarily long enough for the wedding couple to know her name (especially if it was the bride doing the invites). B's gf only moved to the area recently. Before that they were LD.
 
OMG I''ve cried at those On-Star commercials too!! It was one where the lady got into an accident and she was pregnant and then they called her husband and put him on the phone....I wasn''t just welling up, tears were rolling down my face!!!!

I would briefly be annoying with him just because I get briefly annoyed when he wants to do stuff without me, but then I would probably be grateful I didn''t have to go too. Is there some other reason he might want to go, like to see other friends that maybe he hasn''t seen in a long time too? Or does he just want to eat a free dinner and hang out with his buddy? Guys are weird sometimes, I think I would follow Indy''s advice and schedule a girls night to do something way more fun than eat crappy wedding food and make small talk with strangers all night.
 
Date: 5/21/2008 3:00:44 PM
Author: karasue91
OMG I''ve cried at those On-Star commercials too!! It was one where the lady got into an accident and she was pregnant and then they called her husband and put him on the phone....I wasn''t just welling up, tears were rolling down my face!!!!

I would briefly be annoying with him just because I get briefly annoyed when he wants to do stuff without me, but then I would probably be grateful I didn''t have to go too. Is there some other reason he might want to go, like to see other friends that maybe he hasn''t seen in a long time too? Or does he just want to eat a free dinner and hang out with his buddy? Guys are weird sometimes, I think I would follow Indy''s advice and schedule a girls night to do something way more fun than eat crappy wedding food and make small talk with strangers all night.
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Kara, that''s the one it was! I was sitting in the car with tears rolling down my face thinking about this poor woman and what if she''d gone into labor and blah blah blah. LOL. Glad to know I"m not crazy.

I''m not sure if DH will know anyone there beyond B and D.

The wedding''s actually on a Sunday so I don''t think I''ll be having a girls night. Perhaps a bubble bath :)
 
It wouldn''t bother me if D went to a wedding without me as one of his male friend''s dates. As someone else said, I''d plan a girlie day.
 
It wouldn''t annoy me. It sounds like the choices are either that your DH goes and has a good time without you or neither of you go and your DH''s friend has to find a new guest. Does it only bother you because it''s a wedding and you feel that you should always go to a wedding as a couple?
 
Hey Robbie!

I wouldn''t be annoyed but I really dislike going to weddings if I don''t know the couple personally, so I''d probably just be grateful that I wasn''t going. If my FI wants to go to a pal''s wedding with a guy friend and without me--more power to him! But we''re definitely not the attached-at-the-hip type so we frequently spend weekend nights hanging out with friends and without each other. That''s just us, though.

As for your DH being the "and guest"--I don''t see anything wrong with B bringing your DH because once you invite someone "and guest" you are literally putting your guest list in that person''s hands. (Well, I suppose that''s not what is literally happening, but you get my drift.) If the couple only wanted B''s gf to be the guest, they had business taking the time to find out her name and address and inviting her personally. That''s just my opinion, of course.
 
On reflection, I think Surf is right that the couple having the wedding might feel pretty awkward if your DH showed up and they hadn''t invited him. Hadn''t thought of that, but I think it''s right. Maybe point it out to DH?
 
Robbie- I wouldn''t let it bother you too much. I had something similar happen at my wedding though and I was a little upset. I had invited a small group of friends from high school that I still talk to, but we aren''t super close. They all received "and guest" invitations since most were dating someone. One friend took it upon herself to invite another girl we went to school with who she knows I never really got along with. When I received the RSVP with the guest''s name, I was infuriated and so upset since I thought it would make for an uncomfortable situation. It ended up being much better than I expected and I didn''t let it ruin the day.
I would think that if anyone would be upset it would be B''s girlfriend since he would rather bring your DH then her! Your hubby might feel a little awkward going though. I agree that you should just plan a girl''s night out that day!
 
But did the couple not invite you because you guys arent close friends? Are they having a small wedding? If either are the case, he shoud not feel awkward going.
 
Date: 5/21/2008 1:48:02 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I do not think your husband is wrong at all for going without you. You are married, not attached at the hip. It would be rude for them to send him an invitation and not include his wife, but your husband is going as someone else's guest. Even if they had sent him an invite without his wife due to budget constraints, that is not your husband's fault.


I have two ladies that I worked with a few years ago. I might consider inviting one of them (I was way closer to her) and allowing her to bring a guest. I haven't spoken to her in a while, so I don't know if she is seeing anyone seriously. Maybe she will bring an SO. Maybe she will choose to bring her daughter (I met her daughter several times) or maybe she will chosse to invite the other lady in the office since the second lady also knew me and might enjoy the wedding. The second lady is married. I can't imagine her getting upset because she can't bring her husband.

The fact is that they invited B, not your husband. They allowed B to bring a guest. I have never known anyone to care whether that guest is an SO or not. The bride and groom will probably be happy that the guest is someone they know instead of a random date. It stinks for you to miss a fun night of dancing and being dressed up with your husband, but nobody is in the wrong here, in my opinion.

that's my two cents.
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Ditto.
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Although I'm with Deco about getting out of attending wedding where I'm not close to the couple. Not my cup of tea.

OTOH... I have one single friend I am inviting and guest (I have other single friends I'm inviting but I'm not inviting them and guest, they will have other friends there, and this friend won't know anyone else really) and I'm not inviting a mutual acquiantance who is HER good friend. On purpose, cause I can't stand her and do NOT want her at my wedding. I wouldn't be thrilled if the and guest was her good friend. But, then again, I know I'm risking that by not naming the 'and guest.' And if it happens on the day of, I doubt I'll even care I'll be so busy and surrounded by people I do want there.
 
Date: 5/21/2008 2:05:12 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Add me to the list of people who wouldn''t care that DH went without me, but would probably let him know that he was not the intended guest. It might be strange for the couple to have your DH show up after making a decision not to invite you guys. I know the cut-off point has to be somhwhere and they''d probably like for you both to come, but just having your DH come through an ''and guest'' loophole might be uncomfortable.

Did B''s girlfriend tell B that she did not want to go? If not, this might not be going over well with her and maybe it will work itself out without you having to say anything :)
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I agree! I don''t think it''s worth being annoyed at your DH but I would let him know what the situation could be, in case he hasn''t thought of it.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry for the lack of individual responses, but I''ve been crazy busy and am actually about to dash off to meeting #2 of the day. I told DH that B''s "and guest" may not have meant any guest and that he should find out for sure if B is allowed to bring anyone he wants. I also told him that it would''ve annoyed me if we''d invited someoen with and guest meaning for them to bring a gf/bf/date and they brought a friend I would''ve been annoyed (we only and guested like 2 or our guests). He immediately replied with "He''s allowed to bring a guest." Yeah, I''m sure you had an in-depth convo with B about how his invite was addressed.
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So, at this point I''m over it. If he wants to go and they''re pissed off that B brought him, whatever. I warned him they might be and if he doesn''t want to look into it or have B look into it then I really don''t care.

Even if D''s wedding is going to be huge I doubt we would''ve been invited. We didn''t invite him to ours and they really haven''t been close friends for years now. DH and I have been together for just about 3 years and I''ve only met the guy a handful of times.

Gotta run.
 
Date: 5/21/2008 1:47:13 PM
Author: decodelighted
Naw. Wouldn''t annoy me. I *love* getting out of having to go to weddings I don''t really know the people that well. Would HUGELY prefer if DH piggy backed on a friends invite rather than drag my lazy, petulantly-dressed up a** along. And I don''t give a hoot what the bride is thinking -- if she''d wanted to invite the g-f she should have NAMED HER. A guest is guest -- whoever can come. My own good friend couldn''t bring her husband cuz they''d just had a baby -- he was home with the kids so she invited a mutual friend of ours (a guy) who''d just not made it on our list. It was AWESOME. I''m better friends with the person who came than her husband. (Though I like him).

Not worth getting upset over at all.
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Completely agree with Deco on both counts....I wouldn''t be offended/upset at all.
 
I wouldn''t be that annoyed robbie because I am in total saver mode right now and two people going would = bigger present!
 
Date: 5/22/2008 11:45:14 AM
Author: robbie3982
Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry for the lack of individual responses, but I''ve been crazy busy and am actually about to dash off to meeting #2 of the day. I told DH that B''s ''and guest'' may not have meant any guest and that he should find out for sure if B is allowed to bring anyone he wants. I also told him that it would''ve annoyed me if we''d invited someoen with and guest meaning for them to bring a gf/bf/date and they brought a friend I would''ve been annoyed (we only and guested like 2 or our guests). He immediately replied with ''He''s allowed to bring a guest.'' Yeah, I''m sure you had an in-depth convo with B about how his invite was addressed.
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So, at this point I''m over it. If he wants to go and they''re pissed off that B brought him, whatever. I warned him they might be and if he doesn''t want to look into it or have B look into it then I really don''t care.

Even if D''s wedding is going to be huge I doubt we would''ve been invited. We didn''t invite him to ours and they really haven''t been close friends for years now. DH and I have been together for just about 3 years and I''ve only met the guy a handful of times.

Gotta run.
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Why would you be annoyed? It''s your wedding day, how much attention are you giving your guests anyway, the day/night is about you and your fiance/husband. When you are sending out invitations with "guest" or "plus one", you can''t put any kind restrictions on that.
 
Date: 5/22/2008 1:36:15 PM
Author: golden

Date: 5/22/2008 11:45:14 AM
Author: robbie3982
Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry for the lack of individual responses, but I''ve been crazy busy and am actually about to dash off to meeting #2 of the day. I told DH that B''s ''and guest'' may not have meant any guest and that he should find out for sure if B is allowed to bring anyone he wants. I also told him that it would''ve annoyed me if we''d invited someoen with and guest meaning for them to bring a gf/bf/date and they brought a friend I would''ve been annoyed (we only and guested like 2 or our guests). He immediately replied with ''He''s allowed to bring a guest.'' Yeah, I''m sure you had an in-depth convo with B about how his invite was addressed.
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So, at this point I''m over it. If he wants to go and they''re pissed off that B brought him, whatever. I warned him they might be and if he doesn''t want to look into it or have B look into it then I really don''t care.

Even if D''s wedding is going to be huge I doubt we would''ve been invited. We didn''t invite him to ours and they really haven''t been close friends for years now. DH and I have been together for just about 3 years and I''ve only met the guy a handful of times.

Gotta run.
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Why would you be annoyed? It''s your wedding day, how much attention are you giving your guests anyway, the day/night is about you and your fiance/husband. When you are sending out invitations with ''guest'' or ''plus one'', you can''t put any kind restrictions on that.
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It would''ve annoyed me because we had a rule about NO ONE getting to bring a guest unless they were married, engaged or living together. Then there were a few people (all on DH''s side) who HAD to have an "and guest" because everyone else in their immediately family was married/engaged/living with someone. It''s not like these people wouldn''t have known anyone else there, but MIL insisted they needed an "and guest." Weddings are expensive and we couldn''t afford to have everyone that we wanted there so I didn''t want random guests at my wedding.
 
I would be annoyed if DH did that but not super-annoyed. I totally understand where you are coming from Robbie... but if the couple gets mad then they get mad. It doesn''t seem like you are really close with them anyway so I don''t think it would severely hurt your relationship.

DH''s sis brought a friend to our wedding... we had never met her before so it was really awkward having someone there that wouldn''t otherwise have been invited.
 
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