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Would/did knowing ahead of time make the proposal

Discussion in 'Ladies in Waiting' started by musey, Dec 24, 2006.

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  1. musey
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    by musey » Dec 24, 2006
    ...any less special?

    I know that this has been touched on in the past, but I want to get the current PSers' opinions on this.

    BF and I had "that talk" a couple of months ago. I had been very frustrated over no proposal when I felt that we had been ready for such a long time, and I had one of the famous LIW meltdowns--revealing my fears on the subject to him (I'm sure that was just what he needed! [​IMG]). Long story short, it turned out that the holdup was him knowing exactly what I wanted in a ring, and the finances just weren't there. He wanted to give me exactly what I wanted at the proposal (rather than a placeholder with a view to upgrading). Of course, that's when I start feeling guilty over being so high-maintenance both to want what I want and want a proposal ASAP... so I backed off (finally!!).

    Anyway, our financial situation bettered itself and we also worked out some compromises on the ring, and ended up picking out a stone and setting together. As far as I know, it is at the jeweler's being set right now.

    The thing is, at this point, we've already had the "yes, I want to marry you so let's start looking for a ring" discussion, so in a sense... are we already "engaged," just sans ring? I don't feel engaged! There has been no proposal moment, no "will you marry me?" question, but we've already come to that official understanding that we will be getting engaged/married.

    So, basically at the end of all my paragraphs of rambling, what I'm wondering is this: does knowing all this ahead of time and going through an engagement "process" instead of an engagement "moment" make the proposal itself any less special or climactic? And when I tell the "how he proposed" story, do I tell the official proposal moment or the stuff leading up to it? (Reminded of "The Truth Behind the Rock" here)


    I do know that in the grand scheme of things all this doesn't matter, but I've just been curious as so many of the LIWs seem to go through the same process.

    Happy Hanukkah/Christmas/Kwanzaa, everyone!
     
  2. DMBsGirl
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    by DMBsGirl » Dec 24, 2006
    Obviously you and your boyfriend were ok with knowing when the ring was purchased and what it would look like, and that is what matters. Personally, my boyfriend would not want it this way. He wants it to be a surprise and doesn''t want me to know when it will be coming. We''ve had discussions and the most detail i get is "soon." (we all know about ''boy soon'' soon!!! [​IMG]) While I hate waiting, I will admit that having a surprise engagement, whenever it may be, will be super exciting. Out of my circle of friends, all have had surprise proposals, but I know that is not the norm here on PS.
     
  3. musey
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    by musey » Dec 24, 2006

    I should mention that there will be an actual proposal, not just an "oh the jeweler finished your ring, here you go." The only difference here is that I know what the ring looks like and that the proposal is most likely coming "girl soon"... instead of the entire thing being a surprise out of the blue (although I''m pretty sure that doesn''t happen to 99% of couples).

    I know that it is going to happen and what the ring will look like, but that''s it!

    I know I should hardly be complaining (and I''m not), it just didn''t occur to me that my hurry to speed up the process might take some of the fun out of it. Anyone from the other side go through this?
     
  4. ladykemma
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    by ladykemma » Dec 24, 2006
    he proposed formally sitting together on the sofa. then we went out and bought the ring. when he gave me the ring he formally proposed again, but by that time i was getting grabby so i kind of took the wind out of his sails. Now, this was my fault, but i ended up getting the ring in a parking lot instead of inside the building like he intended.
     
  5. ImpatientOne
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    by ImpatientOne » Dec 24, 2006
    I know exactly what you mean, musey! We purchased my ring together and even have a wedding date set, but my bf has not officially proposed yet. I am hoping it will happen tonight or tomorrow. Yes, I too feel like I am already engaged but don't have the ring yet nor can I call him my fiance yet :( It's kind of a weird situation, don't you think?! I know it coming, but he wanted the actual proposal to be a surprise. He told me yesterday that I would never see it coming, so who knows what he's got up his sleeve :)
     
  6. DMBsGirl
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    by DMBsGirl » Dec 24, 2006
    yeah, i understood that from your post, but for my boyfriend, me knowing that he has the ring is too much information already! i have sent him pics of what i want and told him places he could go but that''s it! sometimes i do wish i knew more, but the total lack of knowledge about whether he even has a ring will probably make it that more shocking when it does happen.
    You know it''s coming soon, and he probably wants to surprise u at least a little, so if I were u I would try extra hard to not discuss it hoping that it would happen sooner!!!
    good luck and hope your wait is extra short! [​IMG]
     
  7. firebirdgold
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    by firebirdgold » Dec 24, 2006
    I was worried it would, but when the time came it didn''t. I knew he had a ring, I was pretty sure it''d be that weekend, and I even suspected that he might propose for my birthday. Yet when he actually proposed I couldn''t stop squealing or bouncing for a good five minutes! It in no way effected how I happy and even how surprised I felt. And I love telling the story! I tell people about the proposal, not the months of being ''pre-engaged''. [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  8. bee*
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    by bee* » Dec 25, 2006
    We are buying our ring together next July in New York and I''d say more than likely he will propose over there too (im really hoping that he doesnt wait for long to give it to me!). I used to think that it will spoil the proposal knowing that it will happen sometime over there but after thinking about it so long, he can still surprise me over there and I know that it will be so exciting no matter what happens to officially be his fiance!
     
  9. ImpatientOne
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    by ImpatientOne » Dec 25, 2006
    Okay, now that my proposal actually came, I''ll add another two cents! While I knew it was imminent, when the time came and I realized "this is it!" I started trembling a cried like a baby. It was beautiful and his words were so special to me. My df obviously put a lot of thought into what he was going to say, and it just touched me to the core.

    No matter how much you are expecting it, it is still kind of surprising (at least it was to me). Hard to explain, but I wouldn''t have changed a thing!
     
  10. monarch64
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    by monarch64 » Dec 25, 2006
    I knew he''d been ring-shopping (without me, at my request), and I knew a proposal was imminent the night it happened because we lived together and while I was getting dressed I heard him having a conversation on his cellphone on our bedroom balcony in which he said "tonight''s the night!", and we both still were in tears when he actually got down on one knee and proposed! Knowing there was a ring, and a proposal coming didn''t make things any less special or spectacular. It was a fantastic proposal that neither of us will ever forget!
     
  11. KimberlyH
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    by KimberlyH » Dec 27, 2006
    I knew the proposal was coming for months and we picked my ring out together the day he proposed and it was exciting but I didn''t have a huge reaction to the proposal. I felt a sense of peace more than anything (and I wasn''t extremely anxious working up to the proposal so it was a bit of an odd reaction from me).
     
  12. jfo
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    by jfo » Dec 27, 2006
    For me, it didn''t make it any less special. We had been talking on and off for several months about getting engaged (me asking when the actual proposal was going to happen, and him trying not to completely freak out despite the fact that we knew we wanted to marry each other, but that''s a story for another day!). We went ring shopping together and looked at diamonds together and potential settings (and this was pre-PS). I even knew that he was going to propose by the end of a particular month because he said he was going to. Despite all of that, there still was nothing that compared to the moment he actually asked me. The way he was so adorably nervous and asked THE question, and popped open that ring box... it''s truly priceless. When he asks you to marry him--ring or no ring--I bet you it will be very special. And what you choose to tell people is up to you. I usually give the short version... we took a walk to the lakefront and asked me to be his wife, sweet and simple.
     
  13. ljmorgan
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    by ljmorgan » Dec 27, 2006
    I have to answer with a resounding "NO!" -- going through the process of choosing a ring does not make the proposal any less special. Choosing a ring and a setting can never prepare you for, or compete with the moment that your boyfriend asks you to become your wife -- it is so special. Don''t let family and friends say "you''ll ruin the surprise!"

    My fiance and I picked out my ring and stone together, and I have the fondest memories of that time in our relationship. We spent about a month popping into jewelry stores, lying in bed researching the net, and I just have wonderful memories of cold, cold days feeling so warm and fuzzy about an imminent engagement! I really look back on that time and smile. And then as I said before, nothing will prepare you for the moment your boyfriend will ask you to become his wife -- how can choosing a ring make that any less special?

    When people ask us about our engagement, I tell them the proposal story. If they ask about picking out the ring, etc, I tell them that we did it together. Some people do ask "so you weren''t surprised?" and I tell them the truth, that I WAS surprised, I did not know when/how he would propose. Some people seem to look down on choosing a ring together, but the way I see it... I got the man of my dreams, AND the ring of my dreams.

    Good luck to you and your future fiance, remember this time and enjoy it!
     
  14. Tacori E-ring
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    by Tacori E-ring » Dec 30, 2006
    No. I knew. How can you NOT know a proposal is coming after 4 years of dating? I even knew what my ring was going to look like (and knew where he was hiding it). When it was all said and done besides our wedding it is #2 on the most special days of my life. It was romantic and perfect for us. I still look at the photographs (my family and his mom was there) in awe. In the end it is not about the ring or the proposal but the promise that he was making to me.
     
  15. Liquiddazi
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    by Liquiddazi » Dec 31, 2006
    Hey Guys!

    I have a very strong opinion about if you are engaged or not and what classifies engagement due to a personal situation. If you want a formal proposal and ring and don''t have either, I don''t think you are engaged. But working on the engagement process. However, if you don''t want either, then I would think you were engaged. I guess it is a touchy situation... And stll very confusing to even me, and I have put a lot of thought into it. [​IMG]

    HOWEVER about the ring, I don''t think knowing about the ring or that it is coming will make it feel any less special. My boyfriend and I went ring shopping a few weeks ago and we found a ring we both liked. And I''m about 85% sure he will choose that one. Also, I know that he is planning to propose between my best friends wedding in late January and by the end of March. When the time comes and he finally does propose, I think it is still going to be completely special because then I will be officially engaged to the love of my life. [​IMG]
     
  16. musey
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    by musey » Jan 4, 2007
    Thank you all for your support and encouragement!

    I am writing from a little internet cafe in Hawaii just to update. I know that the ring is being set right now and that he will have it soon after we get back (next week). He said he didn't want me to have any other details, because he thought I was ruining the surprise for myself (do our guys know us well, or what?).

    So, that's where things are now. Our anniversary is January 21, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for then!
     
  17. Hopes
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    by Hopes » Jan 4, 2007
    We'd already known that the engagement was coming, as I picked out the ring and was pretty excited about it. Unfortunately, I think I might be in the minority here, but for me, the proposal wasn't really special. Don't get me wrong -- it was nice (to have that final confirmation). It just wasn't what I wanted at all. x_x I wanted something romantic and sweet, maybe candles, a flower or a nice dinner, and a nice speech. Instead what I got was coming home from work on a Monday (already bad; he stayed home from work that day, and normally we have lunch together and walk home together), in a state of disarray, not in a good or romantic mood, already undressed from my work clothes, and just opening the bedroom door to find him on his knees and the ring, and he just said the four words and that's it. The light wasn't even lit! He proposed to me in the dark! [​IMG] The ring is gorgeous in the light so why didn't he show it in the light?

    I was caught off-guard, but totally not in a good way. I kept asking him, "Really?" More like "are you sure this is how you want to propose to me" really, than a "wow this is awesome!" really. Then finally I was said, "Yes I'll marry you. I love you." But it totally didn't feel right!!! After reading all the romantic proposals that guys have in mind in the forums here, and that the girls have received, just made me feel worse. I didn't want to say anything to him, but it made me pretty unsatisfied about our engagement. I still can't help but think that with our long history of knowing each other 8 years, and being that he's so good with talking, he could at least have had more of a speech and said more. [​IMG] Makes me feel like he just wanted to get it over with, rather than make it special.

    Sigh... well talking about it is a load off my shoulder. It shouldn't really matter to me, but it made me feel like he doesn't really love me as much as he used to, because he's given me a whole dozen roses before (and I don't even remember what it was for, must have been just random!). When I asked him why he didn't take me out for the proposal, he said "It's because you never want to go anywhere." I would have wanted to go somewhere for this, I'd think!! [​IMG] We live near a big city, near Lake Michigan which is so pretty, and it was Christmas time, so it was romantic everywhere. He'd had the ring for at least a few days, and he'd had weeks to plan things!!! He's not the most romantic type, but I know he's capable of some pretty awe-inspiring words. At the very least he could have talked about our past and the future, instead of saying nothing (silence doesn't speak volumes by itself!). I know guys aren't supposed to read minds, but don't all the movies and stories and so forth make it clear that the proposal is an occasion that should be special? I never started a thread about my engagement because, well frankly, my story sucks. [​IMG]

    Reading over this, I realize how pessimistic I sound... eeesh. Sorry musey! I don't mean to make this all doom and gloom. I hope your engagement will be a great one for both of you! At least your guy is a bit more perceptive about your wanting a nice surprise. [​IMG]
     
  18. anacgarcia
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    by anacgarcia » Jan 4, 2007
    My FI took me to pick the ring, he paid it for 2 or 3 months, I went with him to pick it up, I even wanted to wear it from that moment, but he said no, I''ll give it to you tomorrow.. he planned everything that night and in the morning my best friend picked me up, took me blindfolded to airport and he gave it to me in a helicopter..
    I couldn''t stop crying, even he cried, it was SO SPECIAL, even though I knew I was getting the ring that day ..
     
  19. canuk-gal
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    by canuk-gal » Jan 4, 2007
    HI:

    After months of being engaged with no ring, I kinda had forgotten about the "when". Then, one evening, my Mom was acting really weird and fussing about the kitchen, like she was "hiding" something. (my Dad was a jeweller and apparently brought home my ER). I thought "whatever" and not much more, until she asked me (with that look on her face) "are you WEARING THAT?" (to this day my Mom''s favorite line....).

    At that moment, the jig was up. I just knew. And later that night my fiancee did indeed give me the ring. I still remember feeling a bit cheated, having waited a long time with no inkling, to be informed with other''s actions that were worth a thousand words!

    cheers--Sharon
     
  20. dtnyc
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    by dtnyc » Jan 4, 2007
    My hubby totally surprised me, I knew he was working on a ring, but I had no idea when it was coming. The proposal was very sweet and heartfelt, no grand production or display but it was so sweet and special, I was totally surprised and it was really cute and romantic.

    One of my Bf''s and my MOH however insisted on picking out the ring, and announced that once they were engaged they would move in together, and totally knew it was coming, because she knew when he got the ring and it was the middle of the month and she didn''t want them to be paying rent on 2 separate apts that much longer. It go to the point where she went out and bought a new outfit and told her sister on the phone "I am getting engaged tonight."

    Maybe this doesn''t make it any less "special" to them, but to me it''s far less romantic, and seemed very staged almost, like she could have proposed to herself as it was so planned.
    I am not the most romantic person and I honestly don''t like many surprises (I insisted on no surprise showers because I think they can be mean!) but my husband proposing to me at my parents'' house in my childhood bedroom after he slept on the sofa was the sweetest thing ever.
     
  21. aquarius_ser
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    by aquarius_ser » Jan 5, 2007
    We had my ring made so I knew it was coming, just didn''t know when he picked it up. I waited 3 agonizing months while the ring was hidden somewhere in our house.... He finally proposed sitting on our front porch over a Cosmo one night.

    So I guess I was just happy to finally get the ring and be engaged, I really didn''t care about the surprise!
     
  22. zoebartlett
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    by zoebartlett » Jan 5, 2007
    Vindicator -

    If I hadn''t known you and your girlfriend are 26, I would have thought you were referring to me! It''s hard to wait for something you know will happen eventually. My BF and I have been together for 3 years and we''ve narrowed it down to 3 rings (to give him an option). We always went ring shopping together because he wanted to see what I''ve been ogling over during the past few months. I know it will happen sometime within the year but I have no idea when. I tease my BF all the time, too, sometimes a little too much probably. I''m glad to know I''m not the only one who is this position!

    I say give your girlfriend a timeframe and then surprise her by proposing earlier than she thinks you will.

    Best of luck. Let us know what happens. We''re waiting!!
     
  23. zoebartlett
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    by zoebartlett » Jan 5, 2007
    Oops! Sorry, I had replied to the wrong thread. But I agree with some of the others -- if there hasn''t been an actual proposal, then it''s not an official engagement. It is hard to wait but in the end, I''m sure it will be worth it. Keep us posted...
     
  24. anchor31
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    by anchor31 » Jan 7, 2007
    No, I don''t feel like it was any less special and I don''t think he feels that too. If anything, it made it even more special because we went through this process together.
     
  25. shawee
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    by shawee » Jan 8, 2007
    Honestly, I really like how my fiancee and I did ours. It was really fun going to different local jewelers and learning different things about diamonds. We also went to Robbins Brothers and we just had a great time there. I mean, have you listened to sales people talk about their diamonds? The prices? One of them even said "we try to stay competitive with online prices" We said, ok... thank you.

    I am really glad to have been given the chance to pick my own ring. I thought that was really considerate of my fiancee. So, I guess it all depends on what your preference is.
     
  26. Samantha Red
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    by Samantha Red » Jan 9, 2007
    Oh dear Hopes, that is so sad. I have to say that when my ex husband proposed it just felt really wierd and strangely wrong. We had been together for eight years and I had been desperate for him to propose from the minute we got together ( I had loved him since I was 11). When he eventually did we were in restaurant called Biggs in Chicago ( we were living in the states for one year), and it just let me flat. No speach, no telling me how much he loved me and stuff just ''will you marry me''. I should have known it was an omen, as after six years of marriage he left me for his secretary. I think he proposed because he felt he should and that nothing better was likely to come along. My instincts told me that, but I went ahead anyway. From now on I will always listen to my gut instinct. In your case, the fact that you love each other so much is the most important. If you know he will treat you like a Queen and love you for the rest of your life, that is far important than the proposal.
     
  27. Hopes
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    by Hopes » Jan 9, 2007
    Samantha, I talked with him about it shortly after I made the post, and I felt tons better about it. Sorry to hear about what happened to you with your ex-husband, and I agree with you 100% on what you said. The proposal itself doesn't really matter that much as the intent behind it. I know my guy absolutely wants to marry me, but he was nervous and didn't know what to say at that time. The rest of the time he knows exactly what to say, and he really comforted me about the "botched proposal" and told me he'd try to make it up to me.

    Actually, looking back on the whole thing (starting from when I was totally against the idea of marriage altogether), a big part of my insecurities comes from the fact that my parents divorced when I was young, and that my dad didn't really love my mom. She was reluctant to marry but he pressured her into it because he wanted to use her as a springboard for money/opportunities. Ultimately after he got successful, he left her for some other woman that he'd pursued before he was with my mom. I didn't want to end up in her shoes, so to this day I am still very gun-shy about marriage.

    In the end, as nice as it is to have a great proposal story, it's still great to have a mediocre proposal and be happily married for years and years to come... right?
     
  28. Samantha Red
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    by Samantha Red » Jan 9, 2007
    So very very right! I can totally see where your insecurities come from. Sometimes you can be affected very deeply by experiences happeing to people around you, not directly to you. The fact that you could talk to him about this speaks volumes about what a great relationship the two of you. Many would keep quiet so as not to rock the boat and therefore always having it play on their mind. I think you are in great shape for a very happy future together and I wish you all the very best for your happiness and good health.
     
  29. therighttime
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    by therighttime » Jan 9, 2007
    Ok, I had to add my proposal story from my ex-husband. We had been dating 7 years, all through high school and college; and had always talked about getting married after I graduated college. 6 months before graduation I got a ring for Christmas. I opened it while he was preoccupied opening something of his. When he noticed I had opened it, he said.."love you!" Uh, that was IT! I put it on and finished opening. I kept thinking he was supossed to ask me... There was nothing romantic or sweet about it. I think, looking back, that he just "proposed" because he felt it was the next logical step in life... highschool.. college.. marriage. 7 years later he filed for divorce to be with his girlfriend from work.

    Not all bad proposals are omens, but in my case I should''ve looked at what was going on and realized you don''t get married because it''s the next thing to do. I think my longing for something special from my bf now obviously stems from all this if anyone has read my thread about him wanting me to pick out the ring with him.

    I agree with what has been posted before... it''s the relationship that matters...not the proposal... but how you both feel about the steps leading up to marriage can be a good indicator of how well you communicate and strive to make each other happy.
     
  30. Samantha Red
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    by Samantha Red » Jan 9, 2007
    That is freaky ''therighttime'' because your experience was almost a carbon copy of mine I think. The good thing is my ex found out I was the wrong one when he was in a great financial position, so it meant my divorce settlement was fabulous LOL Every cloud has a silver lining as they say

    [​IMG]
     
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