Worn out

[nytemist]

First can I just say it sucks not being able to open the forums at work anymore! It''s what keeps me sane.

Anyway, we have now been married almost 2 months (I can''t believe it) The adjustment period is taking it''s toll on me. Getting used to his cats whining and knocking things over in the middle of night to get attention is making me nearley homicidal. Coping with the fact that dh is such a TYPICAL GUY- his things still aren''t organized, I''m still stepping over his piles of laundry, a lot of my things still aren''t moved in since they have no place to go. The new commute which is bad (anyone in the Boston area who deals with rt 128 knows what I mean.) I usually will ride into the city with him since my car is so old and doesn''t do well sitting in traffic.

Mostly what bugs me is his near silence in the evening. We get home, he spends time with the cats, gives them dinner, then we have dinner which he doesn''t speak much, then goes into the other room to watch tv, which is usually how he falls asleep. We all need down time after the work day but...? I know it''s tough to adjust, I wasn''t expecting everything would be rosy, but I can''t help feeling bored. I''m stuck now in a town about 40 minutes out of Boston where nothing goes on. I don''t see friends as much and dh isn''t really motivated to go out do much anymore.

Has anyone else felt this way after getting married? It''s not that I''m not thrilled we got married, I guess I feel like is this all there is. I hope not.

 

[sumbride]

oh boy! the cat thing is hysterical only because I''ve been through that. The silence thing and unsociability is not good manners on his part!

Yes, everyone needs dovvntime, but you guys are married novv and he needs to be present! Try talking about your day during dinner or asking him questions that require him to speak. Hell, they sell "icebreakers" cards you can plop right dovvn on the table if you need them. The tv-retreat thing is something I struggle vvith too, but later in the evening usually. Do you guys vvatch tv together? Maybe try and find a shovv or tvvo that you both like and can vvatch together... gives you something to talk about too! And tell him that it vvould be nice to see more of him. The moving-in adjustment is a hard one, married or not, but you both have to vvork on it and develop routines that suit both of you. My FI still falls asleep on the Futon to the daily shovv more often than not, but he knovvs I prefer it if vve go to bed at the same time and he does make an effort to do that. It''s still frustrating vvhen he falls asleep on the futon and stays there until 3 am, like last night, but I think that''s more of a punishment to himself than to me... he''s not comfortable and he''ll be tired in the morning....

I think you guys need to find some routines that involve BOTH of you!!!

 

[Jas12]

that''s sucky...I think that there is always some sort of adjustment period. Esp. so if you have not lived together prior. My FI and I own a house, have been dating 11 years and have lived toghether now for over 3 years and things do get very ''routine''--but still enjoyable. That''s totally normal and you shouldn''t worry too much. I think people (not necessarily you) have these notions of wedded bliss with each person doting on the other 24/7, making meals togther, cuddling on the sofa etc. etc. and real life just often does not live up to that.

That said, you should talk to him about boredom...2 months is not long and you should both love coming home to one another (I still get excited each time my FI comes home from work) and he''s the one person i go to when I have a bad day. Often guys are not good at de-stressing in any other way other than flicking on the TV, so maybe he is feeling a little low as well and you can get him to open up a bit.

These are the trials of real life, after the wedding ends, that no one warns you about...

 

[Mara]

is this all there is? well sure...if that is how you two let it be. there are TWO people in this marriage. yes if you continue on this way, it will be boring and and not very fun for either of you. doesn't sound very fun right now actually.

marriage takes some work and yes there is an adjustment period. we lived together beforehand and we loved the whole moving in process, it was so much fun, we bought a house together before getting married which was a lot of fun too...you guys should be having FUN experiences together. what is up with the silent night thing? that doesn't sound normal or like any sort of adjustment period i've ever heard of from friends or in my own experience. is he happy? are you happy? you two need to have more communication, do you talk at dinnertime at all? how was your day, what do you want to do this weekend etc? you say he spends time with the cats, what about spending time with you?

as for the whole tripping over stuff and his messy house, well you are quite honestly going to have to take a stand and have a discussion about it...you two seem to have issues with communicating clearly to each other what you want with positive results, so you just don't talk at all. his stuff is not just going to magically materialize out of the way, nor is he going to magically materialize into a communicative attentive husband. you guys dated for a long time before this...it sounds like he has always kind of been like this, so what did you think might happen after marriage? he was already having issues with moving you into his house beforehand...it sounds like things aren't much better now.

roll up your sleeves and dive in. your marriage is calling!

 

[snlee]

Your hubby shouldn''t be silent after he come home from work. What happens if you try talking to him? Have you expressed how you feel to him regarding the silence, messiness, etc? I strongly believe that communication is key to making a marriage work!

 

[allycat0303]

nytemist,

Well the cats will always knock things over (it''s part of their personality, although I think it is a good idea to make sure they don''t sleep in the bedroom with you). Cats don''t have the same sleep scheduale.

I''ve been with my guy for 11 years, and the whole being silent after work thing is normal. I call it decompressing time. He flips the sports channel. I only ask him "how was your day" he says "fine, horrible, etc." and then I leave him alone for awhile. If his day is terrible he''ll tell me about it after half an hour or so.

In any case, I hope you feel better soon. I think the first year of marriage is tough (more so if you''ve never lived together or spent massive amounts of time together in one closed off location).

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/20/2006 2:43:18 PM
Author: allycat0303
nytemist,

Well the cats will always knock things over (it''s part of their personality, although I think it is a good idea to make sure they don''t sleep in the bedroom with you). Cats don''t have the same sleep scheduale.

I''ve been with my guy for 11 years, and the whole being silent after work thing is normal. I call it decompressing time. He flips the sports channel. I only ask him ''how was your day'' he says ''fine, horrible, etc.'' and then I leave him alone for awhile. If his day is terrible he''ll tell me about it after half an hour or so.

In any case, I hope you feel better soon. I think the first year of marriage is tough (more so if you''ve never lived together or spent massive amounts of time together in one closed off location).

I agree with Ally. TGuy came to this country and had to jump right in..which included driving around on our freeways ALL DAY for his job. I would be suicidal if I had to do that.

The first thing I had to realize is that it wasn''t personal that he needed time to just veg. When we first started living together, I was very concerned at how moody he was. Then I sat back and took a look, and realized he wasn''t moody...he was very PREDICTABLY GRUMPY! On Sunday nights, he was tired and quiet and as the week progressed, he got more and more happy. On Fridays he was chatty cathy! Understanding his cycle helped me adapt.

But we laid down some rules too. We have time for just us on weekends...whether it be breakfast together or whatever. On weeknights, we found a way to interact in a way that was still mindless for him and but for me. We bought silly games! Yahtzee is lots of fun and we''d sit and have a glass of wine and give each other sh*t (in a fun way) while we played. We actually went on a bit of a rampage and bought Uno, Backgammon, and Settlers of Catan. Yahtzee is still our mindless favorite.

You have to TALK. Find solutions. And find time to talk when both of you are in the mood.

 

[psaddict]

You should really talk to him about this, and tell him everything you''re thinking and feeling. It sounds to me like he expects everything in his life to remain exactly as it was before marriage, when he was a bachelor living on his own. Leaving his stuff everywhere and making no effort to clean or make room for your stuff, silently eating and then relaxing in front of the TV whenever he feels like it, playing with his cats and otherwise not doing much else during the evening. Does he think that having a wife move in is like bringing home a potted plant? Sure, it''s not necessary to be talking and cuddling every second, but marriage should be about companionship and you shouldn''t find yourself constantly bored and in a silent home after only 2 months of marriage. Talk to him because he may be totally clueless to your feelings.

 

[nytemist]

psaddict- You made me laugh! Potted plant!

I do realize the whole ''guy time''. I''ve no problem with that. I did actually try and get conversation going this evening and made some progress. I know he is tired from working a lot of hours because of the holiday season. I said that I would like to get the place in order during the weekend; it dhouldn''t be taking this long to move in. He says he just wants to enjoy his days off. I said I understand that you don''t see the problem- that you are fine with your things sitting where they land. But now it''s two of us, it''s not just your opinion that counts anymore. I asked him aren''t there two of us in this marriage? If so, you need to act like it.

No, we didn''t live together before getting married. I knew he liked to procrastinate, but being here every day I see how bad he can be. It''s also just lately that the communication has gone down- maybe due to exhaustion but that''s not an excuse. It will be discussed this weekend.

I also don''t like where we live, but I have no choice for the forseeable future.

 

[KimberlyH]

nytemist,

As the person in my relationship who isn''t so good at discussing things, my husband and I have set up a monthly update during which we discuss finances and how we''re feeling about our relationship. The conversation can last anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, but it''s a great, safe way for us to discuss our feelings. Perhaps something like this could work for the two of you as it sounds like communication is a bit difficult. If you set up time for it than it''s just part of what you do and you don''t have to think about it. Obviosuly, we aren''t limited to the monthly discussion, but knowing it exists helps us both.

Could you plan a weekly activity (a class, etc.) or an exercise routine (walking the neighborhood to discover places you might not otherwise see when driving in and out of town to work) that incorporates both of you doing something together?

I''m all for alone time, but it shouldn''t be at the expense of his time with you at the end of the day, there has to be a balance in there. I tend to get up earlier than John so I spend that time doing as I please (reading, PS, etc.). He''s a night owl, so he sits in bed with me until I fall asleep and then spends his alone time in the family room watching TV until he''s ready to go to sleep. My point is, there is a way to have both alone time and together time, one doesn''t have to be at the sacrifice of the other.

I ditto what Mara said, this should be a really fun time. I''m so sorry that your experience hasn''t been so great. I hope you find some solutions/suggestions worth trying and you guys can get on track, because marriage really is a lot of fun and quite enjoyable when both parties are participating.

 

[nytemist]

Well, I finally got him to talk the other night I made dinner and asked him if he could actually sit at the table and eat rather than sit in front of the tv. I brought up the topic that I feel kind of left by the wayside since moving in here. Typical guy response- "oh, I didn''t know there was a problem."
?
I asked him if he thought it was the normal thing to do; to barely acknowledge that I am here. I know we''re stressed form working too many hours during the holidays season, but it''s slowing down now. I also know that you want time to yourself. I do as well, but does that mena only spending time together on weekends? He then says why does everything have to be so different? Hello! YOU GOT MARRIED.

I was calm, said it seems that you thought, or hoped, that everything would remain exactly the same. Doesn''t work that way. It''s obvious to me that you prefer how hings were going before I got here. That has to change. You now have to deal with the fact that you are not the only one here and not the only opinion that matters. I said it loos to me like the adjustment is hard for you, yet you don''t come out and say it. i said I need for you to talk to me, not for to guess what causes your bad moods. He said he would try. Hope it works.

 

[diamondfan]

The decision to merge your life with someone is a major one. And you both need to be able to live together, even with all the personality differences you might have. I get someone coming home and needing an initial decompress time period. I used to be so excited to see my dh, we lived in L.A. but he had tons of business in NYC so he was gone a lot during the week. I was in graduate school and working hard, but the minute he walked in the door I wanted his attention. I was not bored or lonely per se, I had friends I saw during the week and school kept me busy, plus I saw family a lot, but HE was not there so when he was I was like a kid, ME ME ME pay attention to me. The three hour time change and my class schedule made it so hard to talk, he would be in meetings all day and by the time I walked in the door from my last class, it was nearly 1:30 am for him, so I could not be calling then. I learned he needed a bit of time to look through the mail, sit down, have a cold drink, etc...and then he was available. I used to jump on him and ask for things or make plans, and he would hate it, he just was not in the place mentally yet.

That said, I think you need to tell hubby you get that, but the rest of the night cannot continue as if you are not there. All of us have our stressors, get tired, get cranky...but you are in a marriage together. Make some time on weekends to go places you both like, explore, get in the car, go do some neat things, you have no kids to tether you right now, so maybe the weekends will be the rediscover eachother time...just try to really commit to it...

 

[monarch64]

Nytemist, I feel for you. My DH and I have been going through the "transition" period for the last three years since we tied the knot.

Have you and your DH ever thought about birth order, and what it means to you and your marriage? I''m just asking because I recently read a book in which birth order was discussed... apparently firstborns, middle borns, and lastborns have special differences and traits according to their places in families, and maybe this would be of interest to you. My DH and I are both lastborns, and from what I gleaned from my reading, it happens that we both require lots of attention and well, coddling, as silly as it sounds. Once I read that and understood, though, I started to look at things a little differently as far as how we get along together...

Just wanted to bring that issue up, in case it may be of benefit to you. Take care, I wish you both the best!

 

[nytemist]

He made a promise to me the other day that he will make more of an effort. Not that it''s all him. There have been a few days in the past couple of weeks where I went out with friends and he got pouty about it. I said you needed your space from working 60-70 hrs the past few weeks because of the holidays. Apparently he wanted me here with him, but when I was it seemed I was the last thing on his mind. We''re trying to figure it out.

monarch- I''ve read about birth order once before to figure out where my sisters and I get our personalies (one sister is really screwed up) But with Ian and I it''s weird- I''m the lastborn and should wants tons of extra attention, he''s the firstborn and should be pretty independent and goal-oriented. Not us! I think because of our signs. He''s a Leo, who want to be spoiled and get lots of attention. I''m a Libra so I''m the independent, let''s-get-this-done type.We''re getting there, slowly but surely.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/27/2006 11:07:19 PM
Author: nytemist
He made a promise to me the other day that he will make more of an effort. Not that it''s all him. There have been a few days in the past couple of weeks where I went out with friends and he got pouty about it. I said you needed your space from working 60-70 hrs the past few weeks because of the holidays. Apparently he wanted me here with him, but when I was it seemed I was the last thing on his mind. We''re trying to figure it out.

monarch- I''ve read about birth order once before to figure out where my sisters and I get our personalies (one sister is really screwed up) But with Ian and I it''s weird- I''m the lastborn and should wants tons of extra attention, he''s the firstborn and should be pretty independent and goal-oriented. Not us! I think because of our signs. He''s a Leo, who want to be spoiled and get lots of attention. I''m a Libra so I''m the independent, let''s-get-this-done type.We''re getting there, slowly but surely.

Nytemist, it sounds like you''ve made some headway...and it is all about trying to figure each other out. NOthing happens overnight. Don''t ever forget what it was that first drew you to him, and how lucky you are to have love in your life and be married to that person you fell so much in love with. People change every day, and you both have to roll with it.

As far as astrological signs, Dh is a Leo, and I''m a Taurus, two signs that are somewhat incompatible, lol! He''s a lion/leader/powerful personality, and I''m a bull/stubborn/never back down type gal. I honestly wonder sometimes how we haven''t killed each other so far! With our birthorders both being the same, I can understand why we have the same disagreements repeatedly. With you and Ian being opposites in birth order, it''s easy (for me) to see why you are not in line--he wants to lead and you want to have your own way? I could be totally off base here...but...there''s something to be said about personality traits relating to birth order.

I hope you can both compromise. Just know that you are not alone. I know so many couples who have gone through not only pre-marital counseling, but have gotten married and are once more back in counseling to work through the same ole issues! AT the end of the day, it comes down to how much you love each other, and how much you''re willing to put up with or compromise on...whatever will be, will be. It''s not the end of the world that you''re having hardships two months in. It''s a sign that you both care and are going through your own personal issues.

 

[diamondfan]

Monarch do you know a lot about signs? I am always curious about it. And birth order, did you know there are differences in the age span, so the youngest of two, with more than a three year gap, is different than if there is less? Same with youngest of three etc, it does change the personality. I actually went to a lecture on this once! I am a double Sag, (sun and moon sign?) and my hubby is an Aries...

 

[Kit]

Ny,

I just wanted to say, hang in there. When my FI and I moved in together several years ago after 1.5 years of long distance, it took us, quite frankly, several years of adjustment. We are both strong personalities, and we had rather opposite lifestyles in terms of how we kept our homes. It was a stressful time period also with jobs/deaths in family/etc. We had a ton of conflict, it was exhausting at times, and I think I might know exactly how you feel.

Now looking back I see that my expectations were too high, and he admits he was a slob.

He has really improved on his housekeeping skills, I have learned to cope better and accept him fully. And we''ve both realized that the more we work to fulfill the other''s needs and make the other happy, the more harmonious our relationship is. It sounds to me like what you all need to do is sit down and talk, really talk.

 

[KimberlyH]

nytemist:

Just wanted to bump this and check in to see how things are going; hoping there''s been some improvement.

 

[nytemist]

Things are better the past week. I started to just put things in orbver and hang pictures and all that on my own, whick he didn''t like. I kind of snapped and tld him that I don''t intend on becoming a nag, so whatever doesn''t lool like is serving a purpose I was going to throw out. He actually did start to organize, but we have a way to go. He asked why did I need everything perfect. I said I don''t but I''m trying to tripping over stuff or having to step over a mound of your clothes to get to the closet. My key phrase the past few weeks has been "it''s not all about you anymore". There has ben some rought spots and we weren''t together for New Years since he was in the mood to test my patience. I''ve felt like we''re a close couple the past few days, so it''s getting there. Both his sisters told me that he drove them crazy at times too, but he gets better.