Withholding?

[trillionaire]

If someone told you that they were going to withhold sex until their boyfriend proposed, what would you say to them (or think to yourself, lol)?

This is a couple that HAS been having sex. She's just going to hold it hostage until her man proposes!

Sound off ladies and gents!

 

[misskitty]

I would wonder why she thinks that doing something negative is going to get a positive response. You win more flies with honey than vinegar, and all that.

Plus, wouldn''t it grate on her that she wouldn''t know if he were truly ready to propose or just really frustrated?

 

[Lauren8211]

I would think...

"Grow Up"

 

[purselover]

Date: 7/16/2009 2:59:55 PM
Author: misskitty
I would wonder why she thinks that doing something negative is going to get a positive response. You win more flies with honey than vinegar, and all that.

Plus, wouldn''t it grate on her that she wouldn''t know if he were truly ready to propose or just really frustrated?

ditto .....plus how desperate and pathetic are you????

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:02:10 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I would think...


''Grow Up''

+1

I might say it too. If she feels she can tell me about her sex life, I''d probably be close enough to her to tell her that I think she''s being rather childish and desperate.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Wow. If a woman has to stoop to such childish manipulation, how can she possibly be ready to be a wife?

I understand that being a LIW can take a toll on one''s self-esteem and that might affect what happens in the bedroom, but that is completely different from this.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:07:41 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/16/2009 3:02:10 PM

Author: elledizzy5

I would think...



''Grow Up''

+1


I might say it too. If she feels she can tell me about her sex life, I''d probably be close enough to her to tell her that I think she''s being rather childish and desperate.

She says it''s fair. Now they are both in control of something!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:10:09 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 7/16/2009 3:07:41 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/16/2009 3:02:10 PM


Author: elledizzy5


I would think...




''Grow Up''

+1



I might say it too. If she feels she can tell me about her sex life, I''d probably be close enough to her to tell her that I think she''s being rather childish and desperate.

She says it''s fair. Now they are both in control of something!

What''s stopping her from asking him to marry her? Or from walking away if she''s tired of waiting? She''s just playing games, and showing to her man that he has every reason to put off proposing to her. My opinion is that she''s shooting herself in the foot.

 

[Lilac]

First of all, that''s about one of the *most* immature things I can think of to do to force someone to propose.

Second of all, I would never want to try to force someone to propose to begin with because I would want to know he WANTED to marry me. If what she''s doing ends up working, it doesn''t mean he wants to marry her, it just means he wants to have sex with her again!

Good luck to them if they every get married.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:10:09 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 7/16/2009 3:07:41 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/16/2009 3:02:10 PM

Author: elledizzy5

I would think...



'Grow Up'

+1


I might say it too. If she feels she can tell me about her sex life, I'd probably be close enough to her to tell her that I think she's being rather childish and desperate.

She says it's fair. Now they are both in control of something!

Using sex as a weapon is a terrible thing to do. You take something that you should enjoy together as a couple, of which trust should be a foundation. Once you start "controlling" the sex (and not in good way

) you're ruining it, IMO. So not only is she ruining sex, she's forcing a proposal.

Really mature choices there... can't wait to see how that marriage works out.

 

[vip0802]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:14:18 PM
Author: elledizzy5


Using sex as a weapon is a terrible thing to do. You take something that you should enjoy together as a couple, of which trust should be a foundation. Once you start ''controlling'' the sex (and not in good way

) you''re ruining it, IMO. So not only is she ruining sex, she''s forcing a proposal.


Really mature choices there... can''t wait to see how that marriage works out.

i couldn''t have said it better myself!

 

[LilyKat]

If it''s being done in the way it sounds, then I would think she is being childish and manipulative and it does NOT bode well at all for their future relationship.

However - I can kind of see a situation in which a girl feels she has been giving everything of herself, fulfilling all her guy''s needs, and not having her own needs met. I can imagine someone getting resentful and wanting to pull back to regain their own self-respect.

That said, it doesn''t sound like this is the case here...

 

[musey]

I would probably just laugh, and think to myself "yikesss....."

 

[LaurenThePartier]

LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

 

[ms.halo]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.


He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

Exactly what I was thinking.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I might withhold for that...

 

[Indylady]

I think sex is a sign of love, and if you chose to ''withhold'' it...it sort of sounds like you''re using it as a commodity. Ew?

If SO said something to the extent of: ''I''m going to stop xyz until you do what I want...'' I think I would find it to be absolutely horrific!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:30:23 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I might withhold for that...

Don''t tempt me!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:10:09 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 7/16/2009 3:07:41 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/16/2009 3:02:10 PM

Author: elledizzy5

I would think...



''Grow Up''

+1


I might say it too. If she feels she can tell me about her sex life, I''d probably be close enough to her to tell her that I think she''s being rather childish and desperate.

She says it''s fair. Now they are both in control of something!

If he''s witholding an engagement to manipulate or control her, then they deserve each other. I''d stand back and watch that relationship implode!

 

[vespergirl]

That''s ridiculous. If she is ready for marriage, and he is not, then she should leave the relationship/move out (whichever applies). Not as "punishment" for not proposing, but so that she can focus on herself and meet someone who is ready to commit. If he realizes he can''t live without her & comes back to her with a ring, great, she gets what she wants. If not, then she knows that he wasn''t the right one for her, period. I only advocate this method once people have been together for a length of time. If they haven''t been together for over a year, then she''s silly to expect a proposal this quickly.

 

[Jessie702]

seriously, thats not right, she is trying to make him do something he doesnt want to do. Once you start doing that, you start to manipluate other things, to get of what you want Not right

 

[purelily]

I hate to say... but I agree with the woman. I am going to write a disclaimer that I would not do it, but women should be free to choose. I studied a bit of women''s sexual trends in various societies so am looking at this sort of detachedly...

In such things as relationships and salary, women are not always treated equally. Thus, some women (not all) use sex, looks, and charm to get what they want and I will not pass judgment on women who do this. Why? Men have the upper hand in most things in society, if a woman''s sexuality is hers (upper hand) then why not use it?

Now, I am sure every one has heard the saying why by the cow if you can get the milk for free? Some men take it for granted that they can have free sex free love free housework without having to put in that extra effort. When a man realizes that he is no longer receiving one or all of these things, he must think about what is going on.

While looking at this question from a purely theoretical point of view (and not knowing other circumstances), if the woman felt that the man was unreasonably holding back an engagement or did not feel strongly enough to propose to her that she would need to hold back sex to get what she wanted I say so be it. But, then, she must also ask herself why she feels it necessary to do this. Is the relationship worth it? Also, would the relationship become a power struggle between the two?

I''m not advocating either way, but, after reading the other posts of other women, I just wanted to say that as vague as the question was, a quick answer of how "pathetic" or desperate does a woman have to be to do this is just as childish as a woman who would do this.

Okay, I''m ready to be flamed now and I''m jumping off my soap box.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:45:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 7/16/2009 4:30:23 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I might withhold for that...

Don''t tempt me!

You guys are too funny

but seriously, this is called Blackmail and will only end in total disaster. As we say here in the UK "there''ll be tears before bedtime"

 

[trillionaire]

ok, some more...

* um, they have been together for a few years, not sure the exact number...

* she says they can focus on getting back to the basics of what is important in the relationship by taking sex out of the equation.

* they have a healthy sex life, and she loves sex, so she looks at is as a sacrifice that they are both making (haha, but I somehow doubt he will see it that way!)

* they do not live together

* she has never withheld sex before, but she says she takes this situation very seriously and thinks this is different

Thanks for the comments, keep them coming, I will be sharing them with her

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/16/2009 5:37:17 PM
Author: trillionaire
ok, some more...

* um, they have been together for a few years, not sure the exact number...

* she says they can focus on getting back to the basics of what is important in the relationship by taking sex out of the equation.

* they have a healthy sex life, and she loves sex, so she looks at is as a sacrifice that they are both making (haha, but I somehow doubt he will see it that way!)

* they do not live together

* she has never withheld sex before, but she says she takes this situation very seriously and thinks this is different

Thanks for the comments, keep them coming, I will be sharing them with her

To me, nothing you've added changes the fact that she's considering blackmailing her partner into marrying her. Has she considered the fact that he may look elsewhere if she carries out her childish treat

. People who play with fire risk getting burnt!

 

[purelily]

I'm still going to stick with my original answer. It should be the woman's decision. She obviously seems like she has placed a lot of thought into this decision. I have known someone who has done this. When she asked me if it was the correct decision. I gave her the same answer I am giving here. That it is the woman's decision. A woman has her own rights to her body and her sex life and others should not question a another's decision on how a person decides to lead her life.

The woman that I knew eventually ended her relationship. Before this, she told me that this was the best thing she had done with her boyfriend because the two were able to go back and "re-think" their relationship -- sex can sometimes complicate and muddle a relationship. I've known some women who continue in a bad relationship because the sex "was great" and I've known others who have left because it wasn't good "enough". It seems that this woman knows the sex in her relationship and where she stands on it. She now wants to "go back" and strengthen the rest of her relationship beyond sex. Something, which I applaud her for.

ETA: If he leaves for another woman, that is the risk she takes. But, maybe, she should include her partner in the "why's" of the decision. If he doesn't understand even then, then i'd say leave the relationship and stop waiting.

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:10:09 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 7/16/2009 3:07:41 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 7/16/2009 3:02:10 PM


Author: elledizzy5


I would think...




''Grow Up''

+1



I might say it too. If she feels she can tell me about her sex life, I''d probably be close enough to her to tell her that I think she''s being rather childish and desperate.

She says it''s fair. Now they are both in control of something!

Oooh interesting stuff Trillionaire

So i think Purelily has made a good point. While i wouldnt do it (i wouldnt think it would work, plus i think it would be tough on me

) if she wants to use that as a tool to get what she wants from their relationship why not?

Relationships, it seems to me, are always about power. One person has it, the other compromises, things flip depending on the issue or whatever. But the proposal/marriage commitment is traditionally the mans prerogative to initiate. This despite the fact that its women who are brought up to want that form of commitment, yet we have to rely on someone to ask us, its socially taboo to do it ourselves.

So if she can use some power she has to redress that imbalance then give it a shot i guess

you must tell us how it goes trillionaire

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 7/16/2009 5:37:17 PM
Author: trillionaire

* she says they can focus on getting back to the basics of what is important in the relationship by taking sex out of the equation.

Hmm. Do you think she genuinely means this? Because if she does, that''s pretty hard to argue with. Just because they''ve had sex before shouldn''t mean she loses her right to take a step back and say no.

IMO it all depends on what really, truly is her motive. Manipulation = bad. Wanting to re-evaluate the relationship with the minimum of distractions, or wanting to regain her self-esteem if she feels she is being used = potentially understandable.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Not a good idea....

 

[Laila619]

It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.

However, I hope she didn't actually TELL the guy, "I'm not having sex with you anymore until you propose." That sounds immature and manipulative.

It's much better to be honest and say something like, "I no longer feel comfortable being intimate with you given the current status of our relationship. I decided sex is important to me and I want to share that only with someone to whom I'm seriously committed."

If he's a good guy, he'll at least try to understand her feelings.