Wishing for some patience...

[lmcriss]

Ugh... Requesting some calming dust ladies because I've been on freak out mode for like a week. Since I'm still not talking to him about the stone, or the ring, or anything that has to do with getting engaged, I need to let loose somewhere....

As I've posted before:

My BF and I have been together for a little over 2 years. I'm 29, he just turned 30. We met online and fell in love VERY fast (ex. we said "I love you" after about two weeks/we'd been together for about a month when we celebrated his birthday and he was so moved by my effort that he said if he had a ring he'd have given it to me, etc.)

We both know that we are right for each other and that this is it. He is the most wonderful, kind, supportive, man I've ever met. He's my best friend and the love of my life. He supported me through a complete emotional meltdown when I was so jealous of him because he knows exactly what he's doing with his life and I'm kind of a reformed gypsy. He's the one who gave me the push that I needed to talk to the jewelry store that I work part time in and to pursue my love of gemstones and jewelry. He's the one who listened to draft after draft of my GIA Scholarship Essay and celebrated with me when I was awarded a modest scholarship. I support him in all of his endeavors and we talk about everything.

We first started talking about the idea of moving in together very early on in our relationship, and when my lease ended we moved to the town we live in now after being together for about 7 months. When we were making the decision to move in together, he sat me down and told me that he loves me, but that he wanted to live together for at least a year before I was to expect an engagement. I was hurt because I was expecting one rather soon after moving in together, but since he is the sensible one in the relationship, I figured that we're going to be together anyway.. what's the harm in abiding by his wishes and waiting a year. I told him that I didn't want to wait around for him forever, that I want to get married and have a family and I won't be that woman who waits forever for a man who won't make the major commitment to me. We agreed that after a year to a year an a half, I could expect a proposal or I would leave.

About 8 or 9 months into living together, I told him that I wouldn't be leaving but I would hope that he wouldn't take advantage of my love for him and he just asked that I trust him. "What if he has a specific place and time in mind and if he told me then it wouldn't be a surprise". At the end of January, he asked a very specific and ambiguous question and I got it out of him that he was thinking about purchasing a sapphire for my ring. I found him a better one (I'm sure you have all seen the pictures).

As of October we'd been living together for a year, as of April 1st it's been a year and a half. Originally, I had made a pact with myself that if he hadn't proposed as of April 1st, I would propose to him. However, since he had to pay taxes this year and had bought my stone, I felt like it had bought him a little bit of time... plus, I know how much it means to him to be the one to propose.

I just don't know why he's taking his sweet time doing it! We're there in our relationship! We've been there in our relationship and I know that we're both ready to take the next step. We've had so many conversations about purchasing a home, having children, and the general timeline of when all of this is going to happen, but he keeps leaving this very important next step out of the conversation. When I talk to my friends and co workers, I feel like they think I'm this obsessive girlfriend and that it's all one sided. I know that I'm not, that we're on the same page, but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY!! I'm getting really antsy! Since we do live in a small town where everyone gets married and has their families very young, I feel like I'm missing the boat, if I haven't already missed it. I talked to a girl the other day who's having twins, and her doctor was more worried about her "advanced maternal age" (SHE'S 32) than the fact that she's carrying twins! As far as I'm concerned that's not "advanced" at all, but If we follow his timeline... I'll probably be 32 or 33 by time we get around to even trying to have a family. The other girls my age at the playground who have children my kid's ages will have two or three kids who are older and will definitely not just be starting their families... I'll be the oldest mom at PTA! My plan is that if he hasn't proposed by the end of summer, I think we'll be having a conversation about it.. but I really don't want to do that!

He knows from conversations we've had that I am hoping beyond hope that he goes to talk to my boss at the jewelry store to have a beautiful floral themed engagement ring made for me, and I've just been waiting... and waiting... and waiting... and every time it doesn't happen I'm SO disappointed...

On Saturday at work, my boss has had me totally redesign the ring she originally showed me, so that it's perfect and exactly how I want it but I'm terrified that he won't go talk to her and have it made. We live in a little town where shopping locally is VERY VERY important to the community. My manager at the store says that it wouldn't make a difference if he bought something online because I don't actually have very much say in the final decision, but I know my boss (the owner) would be disappointed. There's this little part of me that hopes that he's called and talked to her so that she knows exactly what I want and I would have still had a hand in it's creation, but then it could also be my wishful thinking....:-\

At this point, I almost feel like I could take or leave the ring just so that he asks me. I've been talking to my family less and less just because when I call home, I can hear the anticipation in their voices and when they realize that I'm not calling with that particular news, they feel the need to ask about it and it puts tons of pressure on me. I come from a pretty religious family as it is and since we're living together, I'm already breaking the rules. They want to know when it's going to happen, and it's making me feel like an old maid. Then I have other family and friends (my very religious brother in law in particular)that use the term "giving the milk away for free" and "make him buy the cow". At first it was kind of funny but now it's getting old and wearing on my nerves and honestly getting a little offensive (I'm not easily offended and tend to scoff at people who are) then I get snappy and irritable with my BF which isn't fair to him.

Does anyone have any advice? Insight? Anything to help me not lose my mind? I really want us to have a fun and stress free summer but It's looking like I'm going to be a ball of nerves until something happens on the proposal front...

 

[Queenie60]

I have much empathy for your situation. If you were my daughter, I would advise you to come clean with him. Also, if you are going to set a time limit and tell him that you will leave after a certain amount of time - you better be prepared to follow through with what you said you were going to do. I know that I am old fashioned however once you moved in with him, you changed the playing field. That's just my opinion and I know that living together is the norm in todays society. And to everyone out there - I am not passing judgement on living together before marriage, it's just my own personal opinion. Sounds like you are suffering great anxiety over this - you need to have a serious conversation with him as communication is the key to a long lasting marriage. I wish you well and hope that you can resolve this uncomfortable situation you are in.

 

[Ariadne_Theia]

Since, I am stuck waiting too, I feel like I don't have any good advice.
I just wanted to send you lots of dust and let you know I have my fingers crossed for you.

 

[topknot]

omygosh are you me??? LOL

I am soo in the same boat as you. We have been together almost 3 years. Hes 31, im 32. We have been living together for almost 6 months. He has said it will be this year and the agony of waiting is literally driving me nuts. I assumed by now we would already be engaged if not married, but the rush for him is nonexistent. I wish I knew what the hold up was. We both have careers, no debt, nothing to hold us back.

I also feel you in the child department. Just last night he said he wont be ready for 3+ years, which I knew but the fact that I will be over 35+ worries me and he just doesn't get it.

it can be hard at times, but I know he is who I want to be with and im not going to leave him and start my life over so waiting is all I can do. hang in there, we can do this!

 

[Mesma]

So sorry to hear that you're dealing with that kind of stress, that really takes the fun out of it...

First of all, I wouldn't feel bad about wanting to get married. A relationship is a convention between two people, and how they want to live together and stuff like that is really no one else's business (unless someone's getting hurt). So people that are thinking badly of you for wanting to get married need to back off, because that's entirely between you and your partner. As long as it's not them you want to marry they really shouldn't judge the situation and their input is unneeded.
This obviously means though that the situation is between you and your boyfriend, and you've made it very clear to him what your expectations are. If he isn't willing to fulfill them, that's a problem. It's definitely not a bad idea to extend his deadline a bit, but at some point (if he hasn't proposed by then of course! Fingers crossed he has!) you're going to have to sit down at talk to him and make the decision if it's more important for you to be married or to be with him.

About the parental age... meh, I wouldn't worry too much. You probably won't be the oldest mum in your kid's class, since early 30s isn't exactly super old to have kids, and I'm sure at least a few of the children in the class will have older siblings. What's important is that your children are healthy and happy, and while there are good reasons for having kids in your 20s, there are a couple of good ones for having kids in your 30s as well: for one you're more mature and hopefully more patient (I actually remember there being research to that end), and you're probably more financially secure, so you hopefully have less to worry about and can afford to do more fun things.

Finally, and I think this is the hard part (which I need to remind myself of daily!), is to remember to enjoy the journey. Obviously we're all excited to get engaged and married here (hopefully, lol!), but that doesn't mean we can't have fun until then. Waiting really sucks, but we can't let that allow to take over our lives to the point where we forget to cherish each day with our loved ones regardless.


I wish you the best and hope you get engaged soon, but until then please don't worry too much and have a good time!

 

[lmcriss]

Hey Ladies! Sorry it's been so long!! Thank you for all of your super helpful responses! I did end up talking to him a little bit about things because I was in a total fever pitch and he knew something was wrong. He told me not to worry and to trust him. He's been talking about buying a home together in the next year or two and, we're signed up for the mandatory home buyer class for next month. I finally told him that I can't wait to buy a house with him, but I don't want to be his girlfriend when we take that step. He told me not to worry that it's all "part of the plan" and to trust him. So I'm trusting him. It's just so hard to wait!!! How are you ladies doing on the waiting game?

 

[Ariadne_Theia]

I am glad you got some answers but I am sorry that they were so vague. Waiting is long. My bf told me he will be done saving by July. So at least, I know when I'll get to start ring shopping.