Will I ruin it?

[In the rough]

I want to start off by saying that this site is AMAZING! I have already learned so much from reading the past few days. I thinks it''s amazing, the pricesless advice that so many are willing to give free of charge.

Ok...here we go...My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years and I know an engagement in soon to come. I have told my boyfriend what I want in a ring (color, clarity, cut and etc) and we have even gone looking together. My question is (and I hope this is the right forum for this), does anyone think I can still have my dream surprise engagement if I already know that the ring is being purchased? After reading this forum for a few days, I am pretty much certain I want to get the ring from white flash. I called and spoke to a wonderful person there and she has been sending me possible stones. I already know what setting I want (opinions please...see below) and that I want a princess or x-factor stone with it (what do you think?).

setting: http://www.whiteflash.com/Engagement-Rings/Styles/3Stone/Baguette-Diamond-Ring_969.htm

Once she sends me a stone that I love, I am going to put her in talks with my soon to be fiance and he will (probably) buy the stone! I want a suprsie engagement...I don''t want to see it coming (and he knows that) but I also want my dream ring (and to know he has gotten a stone worth the money he spends). Do you guys think it ruins the romance if I pick out my stone? Do you think it is "strange" that I would have so much to do with the purchasing of the engagement ring? Most important, do you think I can still have that dream SURPRISE engagement?

One more question...if you don''t mind. I have noticed that many of the "Expert" x-factors have pretty high depths 74 and 75...is that normal because of the cut or should we stay away from those?

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I think that a lot of ladies these days are contributing to picking out the diamond and ring. My advice to you would be to check out the ''Ladies in Waiting'' forum here...you will meet some nice gals that are in the same boat as you!

 

[fabcrab]

I think you can still be surprised. Just because you know the exact ring does not mean you know exactly when, where, and how he will exercute the proposal. Most ladies have a hunch that a proposal is in the immediate future anyway (including myself) and I was still completely surprised when my bf (now husband) proposed. I think it''s rare for a couple to get engaged without having some sort of communication about the future and without the guy knowing for certain that the woman will say ''yes''. So to answer your question, I don''t think it ruins the romance at all.

ACA Princess or X-Factor are terrific choices. You''re one lucky girl

.

 

[blingergrrrl]

My boyfriend and I are doing the same thing. We've already agreed that I can do all the research and pick out exactly what I want. Then he will suprise me with the engagement. For us, this works. My BF is full of suprises, but he knows that one area I don't want to be suprised in is my ring because he knows I have very particular tastes (I picked him after all!). I would rather loose a little of the suprise of what the ring looks like then be disappointed in my ring and either have to live with it or tell him. He's also expressed that he really has no interest in doing diamond research, but wants to make sure he can get me the best he can within our budget. The romance is in his wanting to marry me (and me him!) and the proposal, but working out problems in a way that works for you both speaks oodles about your relationship.

BTW, I can't help you with the XFactor, I don't know anything about those cuts. But I am attaching a pic of the setting you want with an XFactor, cuz posts are soooo much better with pics!

I also added a pic of the setting with milgrain because I love art deco style settings with milgrain...but I think I like this one better without (IMHO)! Anyhoo, enjoy!

ETA: Hmmm, the pic is a little smaller than I thought it would be, you can hardly see the milgrain!

Oh well.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I absolutely think it is wonderful for you to pick out what YOU really want!!! I can promise you one thing, these pictures online are never as beautiful as the finished ring in person, so you WILL be in for a terrific surprise!!! But it''ll be a surprise of something that you''ll love since it reflects your taste!

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Not if he is creative enough.

 

[Regular Guy]

Date: 7/4/2007 12:34:53 PM
Author:In the rough

Once she sends me a stone that I love, I am going to put her in talks with my soon to be fiance and he will (probably) buy the stone! I want a suprsie engagement...I don''t want to see it coming (and he knows that) but I also want my dream ring (and to know he has gotten a stone worth the money he spends). Do you guys think it ruins the romance if I pick out my stone? Do you think it is ''strange'' that I would have so much to do with the purchasing of the engagement ring? Most important, do you think I can still have that dream SURPRISE engagement?

No question...many here want it all.

I''d say...in the same spirit you''ve come to this board with this question...and understanding that...in large part...in consideration that you have already begun this process with your fiance...at least consider being as forthright with your FI as you are doing here....and so with a proper mood, stop the presses, and ask in both a general and specific way this question of him. See what he says. Are pushing the river, or are things swell. Even if the former, there may be movement...but include him in your uncertainty, I''d say.

 

[kcoursolle]

What if you picked out the stone and gave him a few setting ideas? Then leave everything else up to him and tell him *not* to keep you in the loop as to when the ring will be completed and to hide the ring in a really good place so that you won''t find it.

Then the ring will be what you want, but the proposal and when it will be will be a surprise.

 

[In the rough]

Ira,

Actually, I did express these feelings to my fiance. We are very open with eachother. He was sitting right there when I wrote the post and he is sitting next to me now as I right this one. He has told me that he is fine with the way we are doing things.

As a woman who has always dreamed of her engagement and her wedding, I want to be able to see my dreams realized.

The fact of the matter is, my fiance nor myself have ever done this (get engaged) before and it is nice to get an outside opinion sometimes. One never (or at least rarely) sees things clearly when they are the one in the situation. I want(ed) to hear from men and women who have been there and done that, as they can give advice to me and my fiance.

 

[joker382]

Maybe I am old fashioned in a sense because I hate (no offense) when girls pick out the exact ring and tell their boyfriends to buy it. I think it just loses a lot of the surprise and fun of it. HOWEVER, I do think you should have some discussion about it and nonchalantly find out what she wants. That''s what I have been doing, and it is very slight, but I know exactly what she wants and I am working towards getting it right now. (By the way, Jamie Carson at Whiteflash is amazing, she has been helping me for a few weeks now). I have a few friends that have picked out the exact ring and even told them where to buy it, and I just disagree with it, I think it should be a surprise....that is what it is meant to be!! Call me crazy, but that''s how I feel.

 

[In the rough]

Thank all of you all for your suggestions and reassurance.

kcoursolle...I like that idea...

fatcrab...you make a good point and it is good to know that you had a similar experience that was everything you wanted!

blingergrrrl...that sounds like my bf. He really wants me to be happy and get the ring I want...but he is not interested in doing the "hardcore" research i've been doing...but I enjoy the research, so I don't mind. Thank you so much for uploading the picture...I love it! And you are right...threads do look better with pics...

diamondseeker2006...thank you for your comments...I can't even imagine how it will look when I see it before me...I can't wait...I mean...I can...but I can't...lol

WorkingHardforSmallRewards...You speak the truth...lol...He is creative, and therefore I am sure I have nothing to worry about

Kaleigh...Well put

 

[Kaleigh]

I think it''s great that you can pick what you want, etc... Then it''s up to him to surprise you, that''s the best part. To me, it''s a win, win. You get a ring you love from the man that you love!!!

 

[In the rough]

joker382,

I think you def. have a valid point...that was my internal debate...On the one hand I think it should be a total surprise...on the other hand I think it should be openly discussed so the surprise is not on the guy when the girl looks at her ring and hates it. So much more goes in to a diamond than style (princess, round, radiant and etc). You have to think about color, clarity and def. cut.

When a person spends "engagement ring" kind of money...he (or she) should spend it in a learned way. If the person buying the ring has all of the technical knowledge as well as a clear idea of what his soon to be fiance wants, then I say go for it...

Anyway...no offense taken...I like to hear everyone''s opinion and you are certainly entitled. I think your view is valid...I guess in the end it come down to, "To each his (or her) own."

 

[Regular Guy]

Date: 7/4/2007 6:01:21 PM
Author: In the rough
Ira,

Actually, I did express these feelings to my fiance. We are very open with eachother. He was sitting right there when I wrote the post and he is sitting next to me now as I right this one. He has told me that he is fine with the way we are doing things.

I think you're fine.

A story...I'm not the most loose kind of guy. When I was dating....can I tell this story (?)....I spent some weekends with a woman. She was more loose. Anyway, in the bathroom, she would use the bathroom when I was there. I tried to go with her flow. To her number 1, I then did a #2. She said no number 2s.

There are some kinds of questions that...tautologically...can't be asked. Or, it doesn't make sense to. I'm not sure that you're asking one of those...but you're at least a bit close.

You know...you don't want to stand so close to your SO that you're looking up his nose and saying, hey, I can see your boogers.

Warm regards,

 

[In the rough]

Ira,

Thanks for the story...

 

[Krissie]

Hi there -

I think absolutely you can have a surprise proposal! I didn''t intend to pick out my exact ring, as we were just browsing when I tried on the ring of my dreams! My SO wants to make the "official" proposal a surprise for me, since I know exactly what my ring is. All our family and friends know we''re engaged and we''ve started planning the wedding already, so this will just be a special surprise proposal for the two of us ... I think it will be romantic and that it will make for a great memory. Now, if only it would happen really soon! The anticipation is kind of fun, though.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 7/4/2007 7:39:22 PM
Author: In the rough
Ira,

Thanks for the story...

Lol! That was SOME story alright!

You did very well replying to that, in the rough!!!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/4/2007 8:45:56 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 7/4/2007 7:39:22 PM

Author: In the rough

Ira,

Thanks for the story...

Lol! That was SOME story alright!

You did very well replying to that, in the rough!!!

Hahahaha-ditto! Ira, I really do love your stories!

 

[iheartscience]

In the rough, I did exactly what you are in the process of doing. I''ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and of course I got really into diamonds and diamond rings once I realized we were going to get engaged relatively soonish. I''m super obsessive, so pretty quickly I knew a lot more about diamonds than he did.

He originally wanted to surprise me completely until he realized the outcome of that would most likely be bad. (I''m super picky when it comes to clothes, shoes, jewelry...pretty much everything!) So it just evolved into me picking out everything for the same reasons you are (personal taste, research time, getting the most diamond you can for your money, etc.) and him paying for it

and surprising me with a proposal. I knew it was coming in the near future, but I still enjoyed being proposed to and the way he proposed.

It was definitely the right thing for us...I mean, I''m not traditional at all and I just couldn''t imagine him picking out something I would love 100 %. Plus, my stock answer for anyone who didn''t think it was very "romantic" is that him getting me exactly what I want is the most romantic thing of all!

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Well, remind him it is going to take more than creativity.

Its going to take deception and intelligence, planning and cunning.

Since you will know when the ring is purchased you will know it is coming, so he will have to build your hopes up, or set the two of you in prime proposal situations. Alone somewhere romantic, etc, and NOT do it, not even mention it. Just so you are wondering all the time, and getting stressed out. Otherwise I don't see how its going to work. It could be quite fun though

.

Just tell him not to be mean like me. About four or five months ago? I am not sure now. I spoke at length about what I knew then and (MUCH MUCH LESS than I know now)and what she liked (however I don't know if I showed her a setting with baguettes which I am wondering if she would have liked more than the simple solitaire type she always picked out.) and then she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore so she "could be surprised".

So I have been in the process of convincing her that I won't be doing it this summer, but will be waiting till next Christmas. Just the other day she called me and we started talking about when "will we get married." Then I sortof off handedly said, "yea, and when I come down we can do some ring shopping and I can get a little better feel for what you like." (We never did it in person, just online looking at some pictures)

She said...."what....do you mean..?"

I said, "well I mean, we can check around a little bit and see exactly what you like, so I can be ready later and we can be SURE that you will like it."

Then I asked her about diamond sizes and stuff and acting a little bit confused, but like I had studied a little also. lol..a little...anyway. She said she likes bigger over quality she thinks..but even if i dropped major quality I could still only get about .10 cts larger, so I think I made the right move. and I found out her mom has a .25ct diamond ring! yea! big points for me!

Anyway, she seemed really distraught and said "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Oh dear, I think I really hurt her feelings. But I will make it up to her in a BIG surprise! you think that was ok of me?

Anyway, he might have to be tricky! not just creative!

 

[monarch64]

I definitely think you can still be surprised. Just don''t come crying in the LIW subforum in a couple months when he still hasn''t proposed and you know the ring is in his pocket! LOL!

I agree with all the above posters who mentioned that it takes creativity on the guy''s part, and also some spontaneity has to be involved, otherwise you''ll suspect every single holiday/occasion you''re used to celebrating with each other will mean a proposal and you''ll be disappointed each time it doesn''t happen which may lead to you being upset or worse, hard feelings between you both.

So, just know that he''s going to buy a ring, and revel in the knowledge that he''s taking the reigns from there. (of course it would behoove you to be on your best behaviour, lol!) Best of luck to you both!

 

[Harleigh]

Oh my gosh, do I feel your pain...and I hope this is the right forum to share this in!

A little history here:

I''ve known my FF for 15 years or so...we were friends first, dance partners second, and then we dated for 4 1/2 years. After about 4 years, I began asking where we were headed, and it didn''t appear that he didn''t have any idea, so I ended up going my own way. I bought a convertible, got my Master''s Degree, bought a brand new house, took several trips to Vegas with the girls, and basically found the backbone I felt I''d been lacking, etc...

We saw each other over the years, but I wouldn''t give him the time of day if it wasn''t on the dance floor, still feeling the pain of his lack of commitment all those years ago! Fast forward to 6 years later...we have finally found our way back to one another and have been back together for about 14 months.

He is almost 41, I will be 35 in a few days, and neither of us have ever been married or lived with a SO as we were each other''s "the one that got away." In January, he mentioned that he thought it was time to go look at rings...4 times! Imagine my excitement! He then left for training in another country for several weeks, and apparently forgot all of those appparently wine-induced conversations while he was away! I felt very foolish for having told my friends and family that he was talking about going to look at rings and to have nothing come of it, and so I tried to just let it go. Since everything needs to be HIS idea (according to him,) I sat back and waited...

Patience is a virtue, it seems! On our one-year anniversary, along with a beautiful diamond Journey pendant, he gave me a map and directions to the jeweler he wanted to take me to a few hours away (due to the fact that his friend''s family has their own store and we could get more bang for our buck) and when could I go to look at "gems" as he calls them. I am a teacher, so I wouldn''t have had any days off until the end of June, so I wrote down a list of dates when he was off work (he is Fire Captain with 4 days off at a time) and that I could afford to be "sick" for a 1/2 day of work and make the trek.

Needless to say, to make an already really long story short, we ended up getting an amazing deal on a gorgeous 2.09 Carat, H color, SI-1 clarity stone that looks enormous on my tiny fingers! We went and picked it up 2 weeks later, had it appraised and then I recently chose a simple 6mm white gold band setting along with 2 (1/2 C) round channel set bands to wear on either side as the wedding bands. My FF just laid down his card and paid for everything I had picked out in such a blase'' way, I wasn''t sure if he had any thoughts one way or the other about the rings, to be honest with you. When we left, he said, now what all did I just pay for? LMAO!!! My mom just about died laughing when she heard that, and he definitely scored points with my jewelry-loving mom by getting such a large stone and allowing me to pick out the setting I would love. And I do realize that I am one of the luckiest girls in the world to be able to choose my own stone and ring, which leads me to my current dilemna...

I wasn''t sure my FF was aware of the fact that he needs to ask my parents for my hand in marriage as well as ctually propose, as he is the least romantic guy on the planet, so, needless to say, I have been stressing out about the if''s, what''s, when''s, where''s, etc... To try to decompress, for both of us as I know he knows I''m stressed, on Tuesday I took him to get a spa pedicure with the salt scrub and hot paraffin wax (he would never admit how much he loves having his feet pampered to any of the guys in the Firehouse, mind you, but I knew it would be a treat that he would love) and then I took him out for some Prime Rib at Black Angus to top the afternoon off. While we were at dinner, the jeweler called to say that my e-ring was ready, so he made a comment about going to pick it up on Thursday since Wednesday was a holiday. I just uh-hmmed and carried on with my day at that point, because I didn''t know what to say.

Since I felt foolish the first time around about telling all of my friends that he had started the ring talk back in January, I have decided to not say anything this time around until the ring is on my finger. Unfortunately, my parents were included in the decision of getting this stone as we were in very close communication with their jeweler in Vegas that told us what to look for and what we should be paying for a stone of this size and quality, etc..., so now I have my mom breathing down my neck about what the "plans" are. Sadly, I have no clue and am trying really hard to keep her at bay without alienating her!

On Thursday morning, he asked if I was going to go pick up my ring, and I apparently said the wrong thing when I asked him what he would THEN like me to do with it??? He seemed to think that I would want to hold onto it myself or put it in my parent''s safe. I again had to dig for the information that my parents should hold on to it until he decides he is ready to propose, which I was really uncomfortable with. I then had to mention my concerns that I didn''t know if he was actually going to propose this month, this year, etc..., or that by my picking up my own e-ring and having it in my possession constituted his idea of becoming officially engaged! Unfortunately, you''d have to know him to understand my concerns about this! He is a very low-key, less is more kinda guy, so you never know if he wouldn''t actually just assume at this point.

So, we got into it a little bit about my concerns, which he says are unfounded and that he DOES have a plan (with that look of "How dare you think I don''t have a plan?") but now I feel like I''ve ruined it and he''s ticked off at me...which is I guess the chance you take when you have so much input on your own ring, including knowing when it''s done and ready to be picked up by the jeweler. I feel like I''ve ruined it for him a little bit, which was in no way my intention, but he didn''t need to ask me to go pick up my own ring if he wanted it to be a surprise, right?

Any insight as to how to soothe his now ruffled feathers would be much appreciated, and if I''m taking up too much space or need to put it into a different forum, I sincerely could benefit from all of your expertise. Everyone here is so understanding and I think you all have some great ideas and I value your opinions. I have so enjoyed getting to share in all your stories. Thanks in advance!

Harleigh

 

[rainydaze]

isn't this always an interesting debate! i will share my experience, thoughts on it, but i by no means project them on to you or anyone else. i am not one to believe there is always one right way........

that said, i definately wanted my engagement to be a surprise. so when i had an inkliing that we had something special, i sent a little hint to my husband letting him know i liked princess and platinum, that's it. i wasn't even sure how he felt about my hint, i think he even went so far to say 'why are you telling me this?!' even though i now know that at the time he'd already begun shopping. i am very particular, but to me the surprise was the most important thing. i never saw it coming!! i wasn't even sure he would propose and he completely surprised me with something wonderful. the time, the place, the how, the ring...... all unexpected. i wouldn't trade the memory of it for ANYTHING, certainly not the ring of my dreams!

the ring was beautiful, more than i expected. and..... though the diamond was gorgeous the setting was never quite right to me. we just passed our 5 year anniversary and i am now getting a new setting and a new wband. i am keeping my diamond, because he did well and because of what it means to me.

i think had i had a hand in picking out exactly what i wanted, it would have ruined the surprise for me. half the fun was in not even really knowing if he was going to pop the question. had i picked out a ring or had we talked about it, i of course would have known it was coming and i'm sure i would have picked up on clues as to when, or where, or how. that's just me. and now i have something to look forward to - like a marriage evolves so can my wedding jewelry. it is exciting to be able to make a change and it has given me a whole new appreciation for that magical moment and for the effort he put into making it special for me, and expressing his commitment to me, all of his own accord.

best wishes to you as you create your own memories!

ETA: though you may be past this point already, you could make sure a friend or your mom knows your taste, what you want, what you like, where to buy from, etc. and casually mention so-and-so knows your tastes. then when he's ready he can use them as a resource and maintain the surprise for you. i never went shopping with my now DH for rings, but i did go with my mom as a fun girls night out (even before i had met DH) so i knew he could always ask her and she would have a pretty good idea of what i liked.