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Why did it take you so long to get engaged?!

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Ms. Raptor

Rough_Rock
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I''ve read a lot of posts on the forums here about people not getting engaged until after YEARS of dating. Not just one or two or three, but 5 years PLUS! My question is, why?! Especially if neither party has been trying to get through school or has been deployed or whatever?! If you''re living as independent adults, then what gives? Especially in scenarios where the girl wants it, but the guy is waiting and taking forever?! Maybe I''m untraditional, but why on earth would you ladies let a guy get away with it?! Especially for no good reason...just waiting to wait because, after YEARS together he: 1) STILL isn''t sure he wants to marry you, 2) isn''t ready to grow up, etc, etc, etc. Are you just leaving all the decision-making about getting married up to him? Have you not discussed future goals? And most importantly, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you and clearly doesn''t want the same things as you?? It''s one thing if taking this kind of time is agreed upon, but it''s a whole other story if one of the parties in the relationship is clearly dissatisfied with the whole arrangement.

I''m not trying to be mean, I''m just truly miffed. I do not get it.

Plus, if you''ve been together for so long, how has it not come up A LOT?! I mean, after a year of dating, what else is there to talk about that hasn''t been said? Please explain this phenomenon to me!!!!!!

I really wish the best for everybody, but some stories I''ve heard from some ladies make it sound like they''re really miserable and I just wonder "is it worth it?"
 
Ok, I''m slightly offended by the tone of your post but I''m going to try to answer you as best I can anyway.

I got engaged last November, and am getting married this year. By the time we got engaged, we had been together 7 years, lived together for 4, had joint savings accounts/loans for years and we bought our first home about a year before getting engaged. We both have full time jobs. So I guess we are exactly the type of couple you are talking about.

For us, getting married and spending the rest of our lives together are 2 very different things. The second was a given (otherwise we would never have combined finances), and neither of us felt it was wrong to have kids without being married. We also live in Australia, where a live-in relationship is legally recognised as a marriage, so there was no legal reason to do it.

My fiance never thought he would get married - it just wasn''t on his radar. The first time I brought it up he was gobsmacked - he thought it was an old fashioned notion. Very few of our friends are married, and his parents are miserable. I think to him relationship = happy and married = miserable. He also hates being the centre of attention, and has a very difficult family that made the whole wedding planning thing very daunting (and I can tell you now all his fears about his difficult family are definitely surfacing now we''re in the planning stage! but that''s another post...)

I am the kind of girl that has always dreamed about her wedding, and I really thought I would regret not having one. If I''m honest, I think a lot of the pressure I felt to be married came from comments like yours - lots of people made me feel like there was something wrong with me because he hadn''t proposed yet. Instead of telling those people to f*** off (which I should have done), I took that on board and made myself crazy about the fact we weren''t married. His family also didn''t really recognise me as part of their family until we got engaged (my parents have called him their son in law for years). While I think they were wrong for expecting us to be married in order to be a ''proper'' couple, I knew that was never going to change.

In the end he decided that he wanted to make me happy, which was more important to him than his reasons for not wanting to. We''ve also had a few friends get married in the last few years, which showed him that life doesn''t have to suck after saying ''I Do''.

You ask how come is hasn''t come up A LOT? For us, it came up all the time. I brought it up way too often, because I was being pressured from outside and put that on him. He would tell me he wasn''t ready and to give him some time, and I would wait a week and bring it up again. I really shouldn''t have done that, and I think his decision took a lot longer because of it.

I hope this essay has helped you understand a different perspective!
 
I didn't. I got engaged after 9 months of dating.

It was the right time for US. There are many women and men who want to take their time and enjoy the dating period rather than rushing into marriage, and there are hundreds of reasons for that. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and I'd never criticise someone for wanting to be absolutely sure before taking that step! Also, many people have goals they want to achieve before marriage (and not just school), and we just happen to have achieved our own personal goals.

The only time I think it's a problem is if two people are not on the same page with regards to timing. In that situation, I'd encourage them to put their own dreams first and think about whether the relationship is really right for them (in other words, I'm with you on that). Otherwise, live and let live.
 
Date: 1/12/2010 12:12:31 AM
Author:Ms. Raptor
I''ve read a lot of posts on the forums here about people not getting engaged until after YEARS of dating. Not just one or two or three, but 5 years PLUS! My question is, why?! Especially if neither party has been trying to get through school or has been deployed or whatever?! If you''re living as independent adults, then what gives? Especially in scenarios where the girl wants it, but the guy is waiting and taking forever?! Maybe I''m untraditional, but why on earth would you ladies let a guy get away with it?! Especially for no good reason...just waiting to wait because, after YEARS together he: 1) STILL isn''t sure he wants to marry you, 2) isn''t ready to grow up, etc, etc, etc. Are you just leaving all the decision-making about getting married up to him? Have you not discussed future goals? And most importantly, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you and clearly doesn''t want the same things as you?? It''s one thing if taking this kind of time is agreed upon, but it''s a whole other story if one of the parties in the relationship is clearly dissatisfied with the whole arrangement.

I''m not trying to be mean, I''m just truly miffed. I do not get it.

Plus, if you''ve been together for so long, how has it not come up A LOT?! I mean, after a year of dating, what else is there to talk about that hasn''t been said? Please explain this phenomenon to me!!!!!!

I really wish the best for everybody, but some stories I''ve heard from some ladies make it sound like they''re really miserable and I just wonder ''is it worth it?''
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For the record, I was engaged within 11 months of dating, so I''m neither insulted nor biased. I also agree that some of the LIW''s stories we read here on PS are making me sad and angry too.

Having said that, their stories are mostly exceptions and not the general rule. Your post does sound kind of offending and condescending toward the many ladies who''re in long and happy relationships and are not engaged yet. Each couple has a different dynamics to their relationship. Questioning that dynamics is nobody''s business.

I think the answer you were looking for is simply love. When you love someone, you''re prepared to fight, wait, compromise and sometimes even change. And it''s totally fine if both parties are willing to do that. The question "is it worth it" is what I''d take as an offence, if I were a LIW. Sorry, but who are you to wonder if my relationship is worth it? If I were still in it, if I had found the man who I want to spend my life with, and he felt the same for me, even if he wasn''t ready to put that ring on my finger yet, then yeah, I''d say it''s worth it.

And, um, not trying to be mean here but (quote):

"...after a year of dating, what else is there to talk about that hasn''t been said?"

There''s nothing else left to talk about after only a year of dating, besides marriage?
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Seriously? Then what happens after you''re married? Awkward silence?

Or you just wake up one morning around the year mark, can''t think of anything to say, panic and just blurt out "Pumpkin, let''s get married" just to fill the silence?

To each their own, I guess... (said the lady as she kissed the cow
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)
 
I don''t think it is fair to be so judgmental without knowing the specifics of others'' relationships. I think your post may be hurtful to a lot of the women on this forum. And I knew my boyfriend for about 2.5 years before we got engaged, so I''m not one of the long term relationships you are talking about either. (For the record, I was ready to get engaged after about 1.5 years, but he wasn''t yet, and we ended up breaking up for a few months because of it).

I do agree with you that I don''t understand why a girl would wait several years if she wanted to get married but her boyfriend didn''t, BUT I don''t feel comfortable commenting on other people''s relationships without knowing the specifics. I think a lot of it depends on the age of the couple when they meet. If I had met my boyfriend when I was 20 instead of 26, I may very well have been happy dating 5 or more years before getting married. Not every relationship runs the same course, and it takes some longer to make the commitment. It is not for us to judge other people''s relationships.
 
Well I was with my husband for 14 years before we got married. The reason it was so long was because:

a) I was 15 when I started to date him
b) I didn''t want/nor was ready to get married because I was getting through medical school and growing up. And so did he. We had a lot of issues NON engagement related that needed to be worked out.
c) No it wasn''t painful because he ALWAYS wanted to get married and I didn''t.

Not everyone has the same life plans, nor ambitions as the next person. Every story and every journey is different. Although we talked often about our future goals and plans, for me, being married was not the most IMPORTANT thing in my life. It remains less important to me then ensuring that this relationship, which I have been committed to for half my life is a happy one.
 
Ms. Raptor, are you engaged?

I was with my BF for 6.5 years when he propopsed. We started dating when we were 18 and 19 years old. We both had goals that we wanted to complete before getting married. We wanted to finish school, get jobs, and be able support our own selves financially before entering into a marriage. We are still young, IMO. This was our natural path, in our own lives, in our own relationship, and I would not change one thing.

Often times one person is ready while the other is not. I was ready, and we talked about it. He was not. One day, out of the blue, he said that he wished we were married already, and 6 months later, he proposed. If you are in love with someone, and truly invested in spending your life with them, then you do not just rush off and leave to go find someone else because you have not been presented with a ring. Most of us who are in these long term relationships know that a proposal is coming, it just didn''t come within 6 months of dating.

I feel like I definitely have an advantage though! After12 years of being very close with him, 7 years of being his GF, 2 years of owning a house together and a dog and everything else, we have worked through MANY MANY issues that are now over, done with and behind us. We can enter our marriage truly knowing each other and being comfortable together. (not saying this isn''t true for those who have not been together this long, just giving my own experience).

You need to understand that everyone is different. Everybody values different things, and everyone''s relationship is different from the next. I think that you are passing some pretty hefty judgement based off of a few rants here and there.
 
We are all not on YOUR schedule. Personally, I don''t see why people get engaged after only a few months, but I don''t have to - it is not my life!

I have been with my BF for 6 years so I fit your description of "letting him get away with it". There are other reasons besides he: 1. STILL isn''t sure he wants to marry you or 2. isn''t ready to grow up. All the decision making isn''t up to him. Can you really force someone to marry you??? Do you WANT to force someone to marry you???

And no, it does not come up alot - actually not that much at all. Marriage is the destination, but can''t you be happy along the journey? Here''s a good reason to wait - maybe, just maybe, we BOTH want to make sure this will be a forever thing. I love him. I am sorry you feel being in a committed relationship with someone you love is wasting your time.
 
Date: 1/12/2010 10:21:45 AM
Author: Skychick
We are all not on YOUR schedule. Personally, I don''t see why people get engaged after only a few months, but I don''t have to - it is not my life!

I have been with my BF for 6 years so I fit your description of ''letting him get away with it''. There are other reasons besides he: 1. STILL isn''t sure he wants to marry you or 2. isn''t ready to grow up. All the decision making isn''t up to him. Can you really force someone to marry you??? Do you WANT to force someone to marry you???

And no, it does not come up alot - actually not that much at all. Marriage is the destination, but can''t you be happy along the journey? Here''s a good reason to wait - maybe, just maybe, we BOTH want to make sure this will be a forever thing. I love him. I am sorry you feel being in a committed relationship with someone you love is wasting your time.
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Well said, SC. My journey is shorter than many, so I don''t fall into the category of women Ms. Raptor is talking about, but really, it''s all about growing together and things taking their natural course. Enjoy the journey, no matter how long or short, because Marriage is only your FIRST destination on a long journey together.
 
Ms. Raptor, I had to re-read your post a couple of times to make sure I was getting the correct gist of it, and I see where you''re coming from.

Yes, there are many stories on the LIW boards that make me feel sad and upset for the poster. However, it''s important to realize and remember that we only see one "facet", or one "side" of the relationships story on these boards. I''m sure most people who post here leave a lot of details out, details that are crucial to why it''s taken "so long" to get engaged. I''m also sure that some women here are letting their man "get away with it".

Honestly, one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says they''re going to do something, and they don''t do it. So, when I see a girl posting about how her man broke their timeline for the second, third, fourth, time, it upsets me.

On the other hand, I would rather see people take their time with this decision rather than rush into something they aren''t sure about (but they should be honest about not being ready to their SO!)
 
I don''t think it''s fair to question how someone else''s relationship unfolds. I hope you aren''t trying to be condescending with this post, but it does tend to come off like that. It would be like someone asking you or others who were engaged after a year or so, "why did you rush to get engaged?!"

People have all sorts of different timelines, life would be pretty boring if everyone did the same thing. Some people get engaged and married within months and some take a lot longer. Sometimes life doesn''t always go how people thought it would and plans take longer than expected. I think it would be a lot better for a couple to wait rather than to rush into marriage if one or both of them aren''t ready.

Yes, there are a lot of posts from LIWs who post about how it is to wait. But I think anyone who goes onto a forum that is skewed towards engagement ring ideas, photos, proposal stories, wedding stuff, etc and calls themselves a LIW probably will have a hard time waiting a week let alone years like some do. And like Lilyfoot said, we only see one side of the story in these posts.

"I mean, after a year of dating, what else is there to talk about that hasn''t been said? " A lot.
 
AdiS- you are so funny. The silence is DEAFENING now that we are married. lol.
 
DH and I were together for over 4 and a half years before we were able to get married. A week after our first date we were completely ready to commit to each other and had already discussed getting married. If we could have, we would have been ready to get married in that first month of our relationship. But we couldn''t. I was 16 and he was 17.

Over the next 4 and a half years we looked forward to our future together, often counting down until we finished school, got jobs, built up our savings, and eventually were old enough to finally get engaged and married. We became so much closer and worked through so many different issues (both positive and negative) during that time. We never once even considered taking a break or breaking up - we were strong and committed to each other the entire time, but we were just too young to get married at the time, no matter how much we really wanted to.

Looking back, I really believe it has benefitted us tremendously - we had so much time to get to know each other. We had so much time to really get to know every single aspect of each other during those years and fall deeper and deeper in love. We never moved in together because of our religious beliefs, but we saw each other every single day. We spoke for hours and hours every day for all those years. And while we DID discuss marriage pretty often because we both *REALLY* wanted to just be married to each other already, there were SO many other things to talk about also! I think if marriage is the only thing a couple has left to talk about after just a year of dating, there are probably other underlying issues in the relationship.

And now after almost a year of marriage, we still have plenty to talk about
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I appreciate everyone''s responses, but I don''t think it''s fair to say I''m passing judgment. There''s a difference between judging and asking an honest question. I will admit that I probably should''ve used some better examples.

I absolutely do not think there is anything ''wrong'', as Lozza puts it, with people not getting married, or that marriage is necessary to make a couple ''proper''. I think each couple should do what they AGREE is best for them, as long as they''re both happy.

LilyKat, thank you for expressing my point in a more tactful way!

AdiS, I''m talking about the exceptions you mention. Not people with long and happy relationships. And my quote about stuff to talk about refers to addressing things that are important to each other/discussing the future, etc.

Monkeyprincess, Allycat0303, and girlface: I''m not referring to happy, long-term relationships, or ones that started at a young age, or ones where there''s open communication where you want to get X,Y or Z done before you get married. I thought I made all that clear in the first post... I''m also not advocating rushing into marriage!

Here is my predicament:
SO & I are ring shopping, and, like LilyKat, we will most likely be engaged within a year of dating. We''re both grown ups with jobs who have discussed our life goals and each know what we want, and want to spend our lives together.
In my circle of friends, one of the girls has been with her SO for 6+ years. She''s ready to get married; he''s not. I know it stinks for her to have to watch the people around her get engaged and married when she wants to, but I can only feel sorry for her so much. The marriage thing isn''t their only problem, but she seems to act like getting married will make her so happy that everything else will go away. Additionally, she can''t be happy for anyone else. When one of the other girls in our group got engaged, she was furious b/c "it wasn''t fair" because she deserved to be getting engaged more (?!!). I thought that was a pretty immature and mean-spirited thing to say. I''m just frustrated and tired of dealing with the situation. She and her SO clearly want different things, but she''s stated that, even with all their problems, she''s put too much time into the relationship to give it up. And since he won''t discuss, our circle has to hear about it ALL THE TIME.

I guess it''s relationships more like that that I''m referring to.
 
I think your post has a very nasty tone, really, and an unnecessary one at that.

If you'd like my own background, my FH was in the military and I wasn't sure I wanted to be married before he was discharged. I was in medical school anyway, and it worked out that we were both free from those scenarios about the same time. Even so, it took two - almost three - more years to get engaged.

One thing you are blatantly ignoring is that you have been given one side of the story and one only. I am certainly not saying any of the LIW are liars, but ladies, be honest: we all have a tendency to exaggerate, especially online when we aren't having to face anyone but a computer screen. It feels good, as well, when other ladies sympathasize with our pains - even exaggerated ones. Again, I'm not saying anyone is lying. What I am saying, is you are hearing only one side - until you have spoken to their significant other, you don't have any real clue as to the story.

I personally think a year is FAR too short a time to figure another person out. That's just me. I would NEVER marry anyone after only a year. I know NOTHING about you after only a year! Are you serious?! The mere THOUGHT of jumping into marriage after only a year makes my stomach roll over in my ribcage.

All of this, and you act as though marriage is the end-all, be-all option. Perhaps for some of us, it isn't. Perhaps some of us enjoy the years of fun, flirtatious dating. Perhaps some of us have a certain view of marriage, and we're just really not ready to tie into that image.

Perhaps some of us (like me) had friends who, by age 22, had already been married and divorced because they made that mistake - running down the aisle at the first chance. And we don't want to be part of that statistic.

Marriage isn't some lovely little fairy tale storybook that once you sign the certificate, you live happily ever after. Marriage is a hefty, lifelong, life changing commitment, and that is very scary. Anything that changes your life as drastically as marriage should be thought about thoroughly - not simply, "well we've been together a year, where's the ring, pal?"

And then maybe, just maybe, these kinds of ladies see a relationship that their man does not. It's easy to look at your friends or get on the internet and get lost in the romance of weddings and married life, and ignore the flaws of your own relationship that he sees very clearly. Maybe sometimes, one partner feels there is more to be worked on - you must first repair the cracks before you can seal a wall - and the other partner is too lost in crying about why they aren't married yet to put forth the effort.

From your last post, the girl who harbors such resentment over not being married is likely in that final group. Really, if you were her SO, would you want to marry someone that behaved that way? I wouldn't. (And I assure you, if she acts that way toward you, she acts that way toward him.)
 
Quite simply the reason is because at least one person (maybe both) is not ready for marriage.

Only three things can happen: 1.) Neither wants marriage and they never get married 2.) They both decide they're ready and get married or 3.) One becomes tired of waiting and leaves.

Sometimes this process can take less than a year. Sometimes it takes ten years. In situations where a relationship is in "limbo" it is because one person is not ready to walk away and one person is not ready for marriage. Even in those cases, however, both parties are obviously getting something out of the relationship, or it wouldn't be advantageous to either party to stay in it.
 
Date: 1/12/2010 11:47:08 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Quite simply the reason is because at least one person (maybe both) is not ready for marriage.

Only three things can happen: 1.) Neither wants marriage and they never get married 2.) They both decide they''re ready and get married or 3.) One becomes tired of waiting and leaves.

Sometimes this process can take less than a year. Sometimes it takes ten years. In situations where a relationship is in ''limbo'' it is because one person is not ready to walk away and one person is not ready for marriage. Even in those cases, however, both parties are obviously getting something out of the relationship, or it wouldn''t be advantageous to either party to stay in it.
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Well said, NEL! It really is pretty simple, I just think it takes some couples a longer time to arrive at one of the three final options. Along the way, they must still be getting something out of the relationship or they would arrive at their decision sooner.
 
I didn''t, we got engaged at 15 months, married at 20 months.

While I think the tone of your post came across a bit judgmental, I do agree with the general gist of your post. I wanted to be engaged by a year, and was upset that it didn''t happen. My deadline was 18 months, and luckily he didn''t let me down.
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Well, all apologies for the title because I did write it in anger.
I agree with skychick that the journey should be enjoyed.
However, I think some people got caught up on the title and didn''t take into account the entire post.
 
Thanks for clarifying Ms. Raptor. I think I might have taken your post the wrong way... it came off snarky, but I don''t think that was your intention, and I see that now.
 
Date: 1/12/2010 12:15:58 PM
Author: Ms. Raptor
Well, all apologies for the title because I did write it in anger.
I agree with skychick that the journey should be enjoyed.
However, I think some people got caught up on the title and didn't take into account the entire post.
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You know what. Ms Raptor - don't worry about it! I've been misunderstood on these board at times (very subjective).

I was kind of offended at your first post too (and I did read the whole thing) but I read on to yourr later post and I think I see what you mean. You're really asking about your friends relationship and why she stays and "puts up with it".

This is a classic case of not being on the same page. I can't say why she stays with him - only she knows that. Maybe her immature reaction to other people's engagements is a sign of how she acts in her relationship as well ( causing BF not to want to commit to her forever....becaus she is irrational? IDK.) I mean - is this how she acts with other things? See - more info we just don't have. It is ALWAYS a 2 way street.

I'll also share with you that I just got engaged in November after 9.5 of years of being together. I'm 40 years old, he's 48. We both knew it would happen at some point but we are not having children and honestly its just not soemthign that was THAT big of a deal. We fully integrated our lives about 7 years ago. Whatever. Every relationship has their own nuance. We had a lot of personal reasons for holding off on an engagement - the timing just wasn't right until a few months ago.

And thats OK. I didn't "put up" with anything.



 
Well, I''m not offended. I somewhat agree.

My FI and I were together about 4 years when we got engaged. I knew 6 months in that I would marry him. He knew two years before he proposed that he DEFINITELY wanted to marry me.

Our relationship has always been stable, and great. We''ve also both had strong incomes since graduating, less than a year after we started dating.

Despite knowing that we would get married, it didn''t happen until he was able to save enough money to buy the ring he wanted to buy me and the ring he knew I deserved, with cash, after buying a few essentials he needed for himself. Yeah, we talked about it a LOT. We considered ourselves married because we were inseperable. Everyone saw us as a married couple, because they knew that''s where we were headed, and we already were so close that they didn''t see us any other way.

Ideally we would be getting married this year, but due to his job situation (he''s an expat), we are waiting until 2012. I am fine with that, because, as I''ve seen him for the past few years, he''s my future husband and we both know nothing will change that. Me wearing a ring is a blatant symbol of our union. A symbol I cherish and I know that others recognize.

As for some of the posts I read, from how it is described, it seems as though some guys are a little immature and may be stringing some girls along. However, I do believe that some of the girls that wait, just know they''re going to be married. That''s all.

However...I don''t understand an ultimatum. Aren''t we all searching for THE ONE. If we know we want to marry someone, does it matter WHEN we''re engaged or married? Again, I''ve known I wanted to marry my FI 6 months in, and it will be about 6 years after knowing that, that we do get married.

To each their own. Good luck to all the ladies out there that are waiting. If you''re with THE ONE...great!
 
Um...a little judgy aren''t we??

It took us 6 years.

Why?

Because I was 19 going on 20 when we met and was finishing undergrad/entering grad school. I didn''t even have a career much less a great job. He was working some random job and had no savings. It would have been beyond ridiculous for us to have gotten married or moved in together at that point.

We got engaged when we were both ready to.
 

I understand that you’re angry for your friend but personally I think your friend needs to grow up. There has to be a reason for your friend’s bf to not want to get married. Find out why and poof you’ve solved the problem. No point in dancing around the “problem” as your friend seem to be doing.


You know what I find weird, other people get more offended than we do about not getting married. FI proposed after being together for 5.5 years and we’re celebrating 6 years soon. Did having a ring on my finger change things? Nope, besides a hit to our bank account for the ring. I don’t see marriage as the end result of the relationship but more of a formality. We live together, have joint finances and pretty much everything is joint (we even discuss how much to tip the waitress at the restaurants too!). Since we’re in Canada there really is not much difference from common-law to being married other than a piece of paper. Personally, I don’t value the piece of paper that much like I told a friend of mine I am ok having a ‘bastard’ child when she asked why I’m not pushing to get married. I mean does it really matter? I’ll love my child no matter what and I know my parents, siblings, and friends will love him/her. I think I got sick of people asking me when I was getting married last year so I asked my FI if he wanted to marry me once or twice to get his reaction. I guess he took it as a hint I wanted to be married and proposed, hahaha. Well we cleared the air and is mighty content to be engaged forever too since we’re both too cheap to spend the money on a wedding. I know you can have it at city hall but culturally it’s near impossible. It’s more, why spend so much money on a piece of paper when I can get some fancy toys to play with or a fancy house since the piece of paper does not change our relationship.


I also think people that say they knew their SO was the “one” in a few months is a bit full of it. How do you really know after a few months? I mean how comfortable are you with him/her that you know? Do you know enough or that the honeymoon phase of the relationship has pass where you both are not ashamed to show the ugly parts of yourself we all hide during the honeymoon phase. But, that is all my opinion and thoughts. I don’t go to good friends of ours asking why they got married so fast (FI and I have been together longer than they’ve been dating, engaged AND married) since I know why. They are religious and want to get into each other pants! Well…we’re the total opposite and to a certain degree I will even go as far as to say religion is a way for mass brain washing. I just wish them all the best and move on since everybody is different. Personally I think some women are putting way too much importance on getting married and having these deadlines, ultimatums or worse yet call themselves a LIW (could be good but a lot of stories here seems to be negative). You’re setting yourself up for failure in my opinion vs let the relationship take it’s course. If life goals aren’t on the same path for the couple than it’s time to call it quits. Being married means nothing too if your life goals aren’t inline with each other.


Oh, that comment of what else is there to talk about being together for a year. Not sure about others but we still talk like crazy. Till we moved in together it was hours on the phone/msn if we didn’t see each other. We still talk about everything everyday. If you don’t have stuff to talk about then I would be mighty worried. For us the day we stop talking to each other is the day we either break up or one of us is dead.
 
Date: 1/12/2010 2:25:58 PM
Author: setell


I understand that you’re angry for your friend but personally I think your friend needs to grow up. There has to be a reason for your friend’s bf to not want to get married. Find out why and poof you’ve solved the problem. No point in dancing around the “problem” as your friend seem to be doing.




You know what I find weird, other people get more offended than we do about not getting married. FI proposed after being together for 5.5 years and we’re celebrating 6 years soon. Did having a ring on my finger change things? Nope, besides a hit to our bank account for the ring. I don’t see marriage as the end result of the relationship but more of a formality. We live together, have joint finances and pretty much everything is joint (we even discuss how much to tip the waitress at the restaurants too!). Since we’re in Canada there really is not much difference from common-law to being married other than a piece of paper. Personally, I don’t value the piece of paper that much like I told a friend of mine I am ok having a ‘bastard’ child when she asked why I’m not pushing to get married. I mean does it really matter? I’ll love my child no matter what and I know my parents, siblings, and friends will love him/her. I think I got sick of people asking me when I was getting married last year so I asked my FI if he wanted to marry me once or twice to get his reaction. I guess he took it as a hint I wanted to be married and proposed, hahaha. Well we cleared the air and is mighty content to be engaged forever too since we’re both too cheap to spend the money on a wedding. I know you can have it at city hall but culturally it’s near impossible. It’s more, why spend so much money on a piece of paper when I can get some fancy toys to play with or a fancy house since the piece of paper does not change our relationship.




I also think people that say they knew their SO was the “one” in a few months is a bit full of it. How do you really know after a few months? I mean how comfortable are you with him/her that you know? Do you know enough or that the honeymoon phase of the relationship has pass where you both are not ashamed to show the ugly parts of yourself we all hide during the honeymoon phase. But, that is all my opinion and thoughts. I don’t go to good friends of ours asking why they got married so fast (FI and I have been together longer than they’ve been dating, engaged AND married) since I know why. They are religious and want to get into each other pants! Well…we’re the total opposite and to a certain degree I will even go as far as to say religion is a way for mass brain washing. I just wish them all the best and move on since everybody is different. Personally I think some women are putting way too much importance on getting married and having these deadlines, ultimatums or worse yet call themselves a LIW (could be good but a lot of stories here seems to be negative). You’re setting yourself up for failure in my opinion vs let the relationship take it’s course. If life goals aren’t on the same path for the couple than it’s time to call it quits. Being married means nothing too if your life goals aren’t inline with each other.




Oh, that comment of what else is there to talk about being together for a year. Not sure about others but we still talk like crazy. Till we moved in together it was hours on the phone/msn if we didn’t see each other. We still talk about everything everyday. If you don’t have stuff to talk about then I would be mighty worried. For us the day we stop talking to each other is the day we either break up or one of us is dead.
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I just deleted everything I wrote. I don't want to be involved in drama on a public forum.

I will say this. I am a religious, saved myself for marriage (fell short but ended up lucky that my FI is my first), knew I wanted to marry him within 6 months, NOT FULL OF IT, he was the first guy I loved, he was my first REAL bf, with feelings and stuff, person that is in a HIGHLY successful relationship!

That's all I'll say.
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Date: 1/12/2010 2:25:58 PM
Author: setell


I also think people that say they knew their SO was the “one” in a few months is a bit full of it. How do you really know after a few months? I mean how comfortable are you with him/her that you know? Do you know enough or that the honeymoon phase of the relationship has pass where you both are not ashamed to show the ugly parts of yourself we all hide during the honeymoon phase. But, that is all my opinion and thoughts. I don’t go to good friends of ours asking why they got married so fast (FI and I have been together longer than they’ve been dating, engaged AND married) since I know why. They are religious and want to get into each other pants! Well…we’re the total opposite and to a certain degree I will even go as far as to say religion is a way for mass brain washing. I just wish them all the best and move on since everybody is different. Personally I think some women are putting way too much importance on getting married and having these deadlines, ultimatums or worse yet call themselves a LIW (could be good but a lot of stories here seems to be negative). You’re setting yourself up for failure in my opinion vs let the relationship take it’s course. If life goals aren’t on the same path for the couple than it’s time to call it quits. Being married means nothing too if your life goals aren’t inline with each other.




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Also don't want to stir dramz, so all I'll say is:

I wish people would realise there isn't only one right way to do things for everyone. As long as two people are happy and are in a relationship that works for them, I don't see why anyone else should judge.
 
I also think people that say they knew their SO was the “one” in a few months is a bit full of it. How do you really know after a few months? I mean how comfortable are you with him/her that you know? Do you know enough or that the honeymoon phase of the relationship has pass where you both are not ashamed to show the ugly parts of yourself we all hide during the honeymoon phase.
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...really? I''m not full of it whatsoever, and I knew my SO was the one I wanted to spend my life with the minute we started dating. Before, actually. I quoted to a friend, "If we start dating, I know he''s the one I''m going to be with for the rest of my life." Granted, my circumstances are different. I dated my SO 5 years ago for a few months when neither of us were ready to be in relationships, so the ''getting to know you'' part was already out of the way. But regardless, I still knew, and I just the same could reply, "How do you NOT know?"
 

NEL summed it up best.


BF and I are hitting 5 years this month. We''re slooooowly getting over our fear of marriage. I knew within the first year that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but actually getting up and making that commitment is TERRIFYING. Before I do that, I want to make sure we are (and feel like) equal partners. For me that involves waiting until both of us have decent jobs, an emergency fund, and have lived together for a while.



Do we talk about getting married? Every now and then. Are we on the same page? Yup. My best friend has been with her BF 2 years (on Thursday!), and they''ve just started ring shopping. Their definition of what''s needed before getting engaged is very different from mine, but it doesn''t make either relationship better or doomed to fail. It just means that we''re different. Quick or slow, as long as the people in the relationship are satisfied, what does it matter to anybody else?

 

I have to say....I knew my FI was "the one" too, RIGHT when I first met him.


Same with the BF before him, he was also "the one"......ahhh..... Suprise! Gambling problem! Found out after 4 years. Buh Bye, and thanks for stealing money from my checking account. Never EVER would have suspected that.


And the other BF before him, he was "the one" too. And we were engaged for a year and a half......ahhhh...Suprise - cheated after 3 years, and is probably an alcoholic. Nice.


So after alost 10 years, living together for 6, I REALLY can say I KNOW FI is "the one!" I know every side of him, nside and out, and we have been through so many life experiences - deaths, unemplyment, extended separations due to work, ex wife issues, kid stuff.....I could go on and on.

Both of my other BFs I would have maried in a heart beat. Thank GOD it didn''t get that far with either of them or I wou;dn''t be where I am today financially, career wise, or in my current relationship.

Sometimes life throws you some curve balls. Rushing into anything is never good......and why?
 
Date: 1/12/2010 12:12:31 AM
Author:Ms. Raptor
I''ve read a lot of posts on the forums here about people not getting engaged until after YEARS of dating. Not just one or two or three, but 5 years PLUS! My question is, why?! Especially if neither party has been trying to get through school or has been deployed or whatever?! If you''re living as independent adults, then what gives? Especially in scenarios where the girl wants it, but the guy is waiting and taking forever?! Maybe I''m untraditional, but why on earth would you ladies let a guy get away with it?! Especially for no good reason...just waiting to wait because, after YEARS together he: 1) STILL isn''t sure he wants to marry you, 2) isn''t ready to grow up, etc, etc, etc. Are you just leaving all the decision-making about getting married up to him? Have you not discussed future goals? And most importantly, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is not on the same page as you and clearly doesn''t want the same things as you?? It''s one thing if taking this kind of time is agreed upon, but it''s a whole other story if one of the parties in the relationship is clearly dissatisfied with the whole arrangement.


I''m not trying to be mean, I''m just truly miffed. I do not get it.


Plus, if you''ve been together for so long, how has it not come up A LOT?! I mean, after a year of dating, what else is there to talk about that hasn''t been said? Please explain this phenomenon to me!!!!!!


I really wish the best for everybody, but some stories I''ve heard from some ladies make it sound like they''re really miserable and I just wonder ''is it worth it?''
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Seriously? What does it matter? Different strokes for different folks.
 
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