Why can''t I just get over it?

[KimberJEB]

Some of y'all have heard my "Daniel's brother got married 2/5 years ago and I freaked out and became psycho LIW from heck" story. Basically, we had been together 5 years, they had been together 2. They got engaged, got married. I FREAKED. His famliy started treating me differently b/c "she was family". And I, of course, am not. His grandparents don't get me christmas gifts, they get them for her. His stepmom knits sweaters for all her daughters - 3 daughters and daughter-in-law - not me. Etc. Daniel and I have been together since we were 16 (23 and 24 now) and his parents 1/2 raised me. But I don't count b/c I am not "family".

I keep trying to get past it. They got married b/c she was pregnant and I couldn't handle being around them for months. now I have adjusted some...SOME...but there are still little things. Daniel and I are "Miss Kimberly and Uncle Daniel", etc. Plus the girl, daniels sisinlaw is just a rude little...whatever. She is constantly making comments designed to make me feel bad. ("we though about having kaylynne call you aunt, but you're not family so we decided against it") So that doesn't help me get past it. But I've been trying.

Well, tonight Ifound out they are pregnant again. NO - I don't want a baby now. I am in law school, I am going to grad school next, I have things to do before kids. But it still cements her further into their family. Which to me makes me feel like it pushes me further out. She will have provided two grandkids by the time I am even married to him. I should be happy for them. But instead I am all upset and part of me...the meanest, most bitter, most catty part of all hopes that baby #2 just makes them miserable. I hate that I feel this way. But I can't help it.

ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Going nuts over here...

BTW - this is basically just a random vent. I needed to talk this out and my friends are mainly his sisters, and they don't tend to want to listen to me complain about their other brother, lol.

 

[Mara]

just think about all the things you will be/are able to do because you are not married with kids just yet...and know that the grass is probably greener on the other side to her as well. maybe she is so evil to you because she is secretly unhappy and wants to make others miserable...and she lords it over you in the only way she feels superior...the family connection. I'm sure getting married because she was pregnant is not how she wanted to do it either...so maybe she has stuck herself into this niche and quite possibly envies you your whole life ahead of you with your plans which do not include screaming children... not yet anyway!

just a different perspective .....

 

[MissAva]

Just remembet that you wont ever wonder if you would be married if you hadnt gotten knocked up. You will be educated and will be able to things that she will never be able to do. You are going to be able to do fun things like travel with you BF that she wont be able to do without the kids. I dont blame you for wanting to throttle her...I am not the sweetest of people and I would have a rotten time holding my tounge...ie "well she cant call me aunt and I cant call you an adult, really getting pregant to force married how hs"...or worse if I was given time to think about it. Just remeber how that she is prolly worried about feeling shitty once you are family too. Is she educated maybe she feels like she cannot converse outside of family things without sounding silly. I hope you feel better.

 

[KimberJEB]

She''s educated. Actually, that was the most recent convo. Daniel''s brother and I graduated high school in 1998, Daniel and bros wife in 1999. Daniel, brother and I graduated college in spring/summer 2002. Wife was supposed to graduate in Dec 02 or May 03, but she got pregnant and kept pushing it back (blames the baby but daniels mom watches the baby 60+ hours a week) and is finally graduating in August. I was supposed to finish law school this May but took ONE SEMESTER OFF, so will finish in December. At dinner last week she said "Wow, Kimberly, It looks like I will graduate before you since you are going to be late"...WTH??? I just said, yeah but I''m getting a doctorate...

If I liked the girl more I would have less issues, but she has always done this stuff. Never thanked daniel and I for their wedding gifts/baby gifts, etc. At one point told me she was a better GF than me, etc.

You''re probably right, and it''s funny but I hadn''t thought of that. I have spent so much time being jealous of her and her relationship with their family but maybe, just maybe, she wished things were different for her. Though I can''t imagine she wishes for 7 years of dating, lol. But anyway...hmmm...

Thanks...

 

[sparklish]

Ohmigod, OF COURSE she''s jealous of you. Soemtimes things can be so clear to others who hear the story, than when you''re actually in it. You''re on your way to a second degree... you have a whole bunch of opportunities that she doesn''t have right now, and may never have. You''re clearly very smart and have your proverbial sh*t together. The fact that you are close with his fam probably plays into her insecurities - you''ve been around longer, she''s afraid they like you more, and so she tries to overcompensate by making you feel small. Don''t fall for it!

It''s probably a really good sign that his family likes her as much as they do...they are a welcoming family, and that''s important for you too. And if it were the other way around, if you were the new girlfriend and she''d been around for ages, wouldn''t you want them to embrace you just as much as the other GF, especially if you had a baby on the way? Clearly, they are a great family!

As well, the cool thing about her having kids now is that when your babies come along, they won''t all be the same age. Less room for constant comparison and competition from her.

Anyway, don''t fall for her little games... and don''t snark back if you can avoid it. That only makes you both look bad. Next time she tells you something annoying, just laugh it off. His family will undoubtedly see through her little ploys and think more of you for being confident enough to shrug it off and not stoop to her petty level.

The world is your oyster!

 

[Kaili]

I would much rather be you than her. She sounds miserable AND jealous. I''m so sorry that you are being put through such a difficult time!! I can''t believe that she is comparing her undergrad date with your doctorate!! Crazy!!

I do believe that this may be a case of "the grass is always greener." I have a friend who got married straight out of college and had a baby right away. She and her husband owned a house in an affluent area, had a kid, a Porche, an SUV, and a Mercedes. I thought her life sounded perfect as I was struggling to get my career going and living with a bunch of guy roommates who thought our house was a fraternity. One day, she confided in me that she admired that I was out on my own pursuing my dream and not having to take care of a family (she did say this in a nice way- not like your soon to be sister in law). Well, you could have knocked me over with a light breeze. I NEVER would have guessed!!!

 

[sluke]

Try to let things roll off your back. I know it is easier said than done, but, it sounds like she is a jealous...trying to convince herself that everyone is beneath her. She is only fooling herself.

 

[Fiancee to be]

I know a family in a similar situation. A couple got pregnant and decided to get married, saying that "it was in the works anyway". Now because this is a delicate circumstance the guy''s family wanted to make the woman feel as comfortable as possible in her new family, especially since there was going to be a grandchild. Normally it might have taken your boyfriend''s family longer to warm up to their new daughter-in-law, but because there was a child soon to be in the picture, they want everything to be as civil as they can. If they showed any disapproval the daughter might not be inclined to bring the grandchild around as much. There is no "right" way to start a family, but after you get engaged, married, and have a child, the parents will probably be a little more comfortable with your way of doing things, deep down. It''s also possible that the wife knows this and that could explain her backhanded comments to you. My suggestion to you would to just be happy for her and her family, but know that you would not have done things the way she did. You are doing things at your own pace and in your own way.

-FTB

 

[sparkling]

Kimber I haven''t kept up well enough to know if you''re at the engaged stage yet or not. But here''s my two cents.

It seems like there''s some sort of freaky reverse kharma in the world- the curse of the gal who does everything right is that she gets shamed by those who do everything wrong and the screw ups get all the support. I got a Ph.D., I have the big job and paycheck and am relatively self-sufficient. All people say to my mother when they meet me is "she''s so pretty, why isn''t she married with kids!!!". I also know people who are having kids and staying home and they seem to look down their noses at me because I don''t have a traditional mommy life (even though they seem run ragged by living on one paycheck and doing the mommy thing with very little spouse support-still they have a "status" that people think non-mommy''s haven''t managed to "acheive" as if getting pregnant is an accomplishment (apologies if this statement sounds perjorative to people struggling with infertility; I know its not easy when things aren''t working properly but for Kimber''s SIL it sounds having the kid was a litterally a no-brainer). I am much happier with my Saab convertible than I would be in their mini-van and yet they seem able to twist it around somehow and make me feel so outside the club.

I think that moms who work have a similar quandry; many stay at home moms make them feel bad for not sacrificing their job for their family, like they''re just greedy and evil and have mixed up priorities. Its the protestant work ethic of motherhood. Very american. Most Europeans would think we are off our rocker. Unfortunately the whole systems set up to support it being this way too so that once women have children its too hard to keep working. Anyway, I feel for you!
However, I do wonder what gives with your BF. You could marry him while you are in still in law or grad school. If he hasn''t asked and its something really important to you, or its really important that it happen in a shorter time frame, I''d let him know. I''d also let him know how this second-hand treatment by his family is making you feel. Families are bizarre things; my father''s best friend married my father''s little sister and she and my mother have been at each other since college. My mother''s always felt "less than" my Aunt even though she has more materially and she went back to school, finished a degree and has supported herself since my father died, but its always been clear that my aunt''s big family has more than compensated in the eyes of her parents for any accomplishment by my mother. My Aunt has done everything after my mother, got a nice car, got a fur coat, traveled to Europe; like if my mom does it my aunt has to do it too. Its weird. I''m guessing there''s a possibility especially if you produce limited or no grandchildren that you might deal with this second-class citizen thing for a long time. Maybe if they were aware that it bothers him that its bothering you, they''d be less oblivious but the fact is two grandkids are related to them as much as their son is and so the family is going to shower the family with grandkids with all sorts of financial support that you probably won''t see without kids and even once you have kids you may see less than theirs did because now the support has to be split amongst all the grandkids. Anyway if Daniel thinks its not important how they treat you, it seems like that''s a big sign. When I got divorced I was so worried I''d never find anyone, but a friend said there are always plenty of dating/marriage opportunities for well educated women without children and it turned out he was very right.

Kudos to you for sticking by your educational plans. If possible I''d do what I could to make more friends outside his immediate family, especially people who value your smarts and achievement orientation.

Good Luck,
Sparkling

 

[njc]

Date: 4/6/2005 9:12:43 AM
Author: Fiance to be
Now because this is a delicate circumstance the guy''s family wanted to make the woman feel as comfortable as possible in her new family, especially since there was going to be a grandchild. Normally it might have taken your boyfriend''s family longer to warm up to their new daughter-in-law, but because there was a child soon to be in the picture, they want everything to be as civil as they can.

I agree with the others that she is probably extremly jealous of you and all that you have and will accomplish. But i also agree with Fiance... Their situation is more complex and so his parents are over compensating. My family has been in a similar situation, and while we all had different opinions on my brother getting married, we all put (or forced) a smile on our faces and welcomed in the SIL. Now, 9 years later, its like the akwardness never happened.

I dont understand the seperate treatment though, unless they are still adjusting and trying to make her as welcome as possible. Has it been a year yet? In the 4 years FI and i dated before being engaged, my mother never treated him differently than the SIL. He gets Christmas and bday presents, she always has something he likes to eat on hand, etc. But SIL had been in the family for 4/5 years already.

I know its hard, but try not to worry too much. Im sure its a difficult situation for everyone.