Why am I making myself crazy waiting to be proposed to?

[mimilarou]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 years. Our relationship is a bit unique, or at least that is how I feel. We moved in with each other about 4 months after we met (I was 19 and he was 1....and that was because his roommates at that time voted him out. He had no where else to stay. Well we ended up moving together in a different apartment about 6 months after that. Well from that point on I beleive both of us were very immature and insecure. We had a very up and down relationship....things were very rocky for about 2 or so years.
Well at one point within our relationship we both agreed to go our seperate ways.....which we did for about 6 months, then ended up geting back with each other, and then once again moving in with one aother...but once again things went bad a few months after that. I felt like we just got back together because we were both lonely and having a hard time cutting all ties completely. Well needless to say we broke up again.

However during this break up period....I ended up getting pregnant by him...and we were not in a relationship at that time...or at least that is what we told each other. Well after he found out I was pregnant and keeping the baby...his world seemed to crumble around him....or at least tht is how he made himself feel...He was not ready to be a father, and especially with someone he was not in a relationship with. All I knew was that with or without him I was going to be responsible for my actions. I was ready for what was about to happen.

To shorten this story up....he ended up getting into another relatinship, and we did not talk during most of my pregnancy....I let him make to move when he was ready to be a part of his sons life....it took some time, but he came around. Well we were still not going to be together....which we both agreed upon, but we did not agree upon custody issues...so we had a year or so of court battles, which we both agreed at one point was a waste of time and our money.

Funny thing is is that we ended up resolving our past issues around our sons second birthday. We got back together...and ever since then things have been wonderful. Everyday seems like it gets better and better. We both will sit back and wonder how we got to this point and why did it take this long to make things work....and why did it take all these obsticles to make it work. I am sure it has to do with ons age and maturity....which we both had some more time to grow on our own.

ok so here it is....I was never the type to think about getting married...or wanting to be proposed to...until about 8 months ago....now I am going crazy with it. It is not something we talk about often, because he is the kind of guy who would want it to be a suprise. I feel the same way, but now it is at a point where everyone in our family expects it from us, and so it seems like it is getting more difficult for us to lean towards marriage. I feel like I am ready for it, but my bf has many reasons why he is not.....so I try to be patient and wait. I just feel like I am getting older and I want to have another child, but this time I want to be married and do it the right way....he wants another child too....but he is saying now. So we have started a relatinship counselor...and I think he is basically waiting for the blessing of the counselor so to speak. I am 27 and getting aggrivated....but not willing to share my full frustraton with my bf....I do not want to pressure him into anything....I want him to want to do it on his own. I want it be from the heart. Plus he is making a big career change....trying to get into a fire department...so I am sure that is a big part of it. We are tight on cash right now....so he would have no money to even buy me a ring at this moment.....so I try to sit back and wait for that day....I feel alone in this one....it seems like everyone around me is either marrying too soon, for the wrong reasons, or divorcing. Anyone out there with any incite....or a similar situation?

 

[Hest88]

You''re in a tough situation and my heart goes out to you. Personally, though, I can''t see how getting married creates a more permanent connection than having a child, so it''s hard for be to understand why he *wouldn''t* want to get married. I guess if you feel you can''t speak of it openly you have to resort to dropping hints. It''s not how I conduct my relationship, but only you know how best to work with him.

 

[ChapmanLovesHarvard]

Wow. Tough situation. Are there any mutuial friends that the two of you have that you could voice this to? Maybe they might have some insight, or knowledge that might calm your worries. Good Luck!

 

[JimDiamond]

You really laid out the situation very well. You don''t make it completely clear if you know whether he has expressed a desire to get married or has specifically said that he is not ready. Either way, your first impulse to not pressure him is a good one. You don''t want him to propose to you out of guilt or obligation. That is not a recipe for a happy marriage. In your last paragraph you express exactly what you''re thinking and feeling as well as how that could impact your bf. You are very respectful of him and very sensibly want to "do something", but not pressure him.

Quoted text from mimilarou:
"I feel like I am ready for it, but my bf has many reasons why he is not.....so I try to be patient and wait. I just feel like I am getting older and I want to have another child, but this time I want to be married and do it the right way....he wants another child too....but he is saying now. So we have started a relatinship counselor...and I think he is basically waiting for the blessing of the counselor so to speak. I am 27 and getting aggrivated....but not willing to share my full frustraton with my bf....I do not want to pressure him into anything....I want him to want to do it on his own. I want it be from the heart. Plus he is making a big career change....trying to get into a fire department...so I am sure that is a big part of it. We are tight on cash right now....so he would have no money to even buy me a ring at this moment.....so I try to sit back and wait for that day....I feel alone in this one...."

You need to tell him just what you did here. Not in a threatening or argumentative way. You need to talk about it in a very open and matter of fact way, empasizing that you want to talk about it to share your feelings and understand his, not to *make* him do something. Pick your time carefully make sure neither of you is tired or upset. Then tell him what you think and listen to him. Don''t judge. Be careful how you react. If you hear an answer you don''t like, remember you asked him to be honest and open. If you''re concerned about whether you can each stay calm, consider talking about it while you''re at the therapist. Only do that if you believe that would not be too threatening for him. Some guys feel very uncomfortable in front of other people and it could back fire. If you do talk while you''re with the therapist I suggest that you make sure to talk directly to your boyfriend and not to the therapist. The therapist would simply be a bystander. You might even talk to the therapist about it in advance.

Either way, you feel very alone right now. He is an important part of your life. Your best bet is to let him in. If he has already said "I don''t want to get married," you didn''t mention it here. Even if that''s the case you can still explore why he thinks that is and what (and when) may change his feeling toward getting married.

The fact that you''re seeing the therapist is a great thing. That fact that you''re doing it when you don''t have a big "problem" in your relationship is an even better thing. If you haven''t been seeing him/her for very long you may want to let some of this come out naturally over the course of the next few weeks/months.

I hope these ideas help you. Good luck and feel free to keep us posted or ask more questions.

 

[dcsparkle]

It''s interesting to read your story because I feel like it is a little similar to mine...

I started dating my boyfriend in high school. We were both 16. Obvioulsy, we were babies. But I immediately fell in love with him and I just knew, even back then, that it was more than just teenage love. However, we were so young and we both made stupid mistakes and fought a lot due to insecurities. Everyone joked about how awful our relationship was. But no one truly saw us when we were alone and in love--there was really something special there. We were just so immature. We stuck through some really hard times and made it through high school and went away to college--to different places.

Well, this made things even worse. Not knowing what the other was doing...it was horrible. Again, lots of mistakes and insecurities and fighting. Our new college friends joked about how awful our relationship was. But still, there really was something special beneath it all.

We finally decided to break it off---neither one of us was happy. It was extremely hard to do because we really did have such a strong bond, but we did it. We stayed broken up for two years. During that time we barely spoke and started dating different people. It really seemed like we were done--at least romantically. Then, by a twist of fate, he transferred to my college. We started hanging out again, a little at first, then more often, and then one day he confessed that he still loved me. I stilll loved him too, but there was so much past and I wasn''t sure if I coiuld do it again. I guess you could say that I kept him hanging for a pretty long time--I just didn''t know if getting back together was a good idea. After many, many months I finally decided to take the plunge again. Our relationship has been wonderful ever since. We have both gorwn into adults and know what it takes to make a good relationship. That special bond that was always there is still there and now we have the maturity to back it up.

Well, now we are out of college and working and living together. It''s been a few years since we got back together. Every day, my boyfriend would wake up, give me a kiss in the morning, and go about his daily business, oblivious to the fact that I was dying for him to pop the question or at least mention marriage. Every day i would wait, and everyday-nothing. I would drop hints, but it didn''t seem to jumpstart anything. Meanwhile, all of my friends around me were getting married, often to people that they had just met, and I--having been with the same guy for so long--still had no ring on my finger!

I finally decided to just be brutally honest about my feelings. I sat my boyfriend down and made me feelings very clear in a very non-confrontational way. We talked for hours and it turns out that he never truly understood how important it was for me to get married. Once he got it, we started looking for rings. He still hsan''t popped the question...but I expect it pretty soon. I guess the moral of the story is--guys are just oblivious to this kind of thing. It''s not like my boyfriend didn''t know that I wanted to get married. He just didn''t think that it was that important or that I cared that much. Men could wait forever if they don''t get a swift, but non-confrontational kick in the butt. If your boyfriend is still around, then chances are, he wants to be with you--especially since you have a son together. I think maybe he just needs to truly understand your feelings on this. And you never know...maybe he is secretly planning to pop the question!

And kudos to being in therapy! My boyfriend and I and have seen a therapist a few times and it was the best thing we ever did!