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Who should be the maid of honor?

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mainlobster101

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
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14
I am having a problem choosing my maid of honor. I have a best friend that I''ve known since middle school and been best friends with for most of that time. The problem is that lately she has been kinda down on not having a relationship with a guy and doesn''t seem very happy for me to be getting married. She''s also been doing some things I don''t really agree with (like hanging out with questionable people) and that is added to the fact that I have grown up and matured and she seems to be lagging behind in that area. I still consider her my "best friend" because I feel like I can''t just drop her after all these years... but I''m not sure that she is the best choice for my maid of honor. The other option is my fiance''s sister. She is my age and we have alot in common. However, I wouldnt really consider her a best friend... just a very good one. I think that she would be alot better suited for the maid of honor job because I know she would be a big help with planning (and she lives closer!) and I feel like I don''t have to be sorry to talk about the wedding with her (I always feel like my best friend is upset when I talk about it and not happy for me). I would like to ask my fiance''s sister to be the MOH but my best friend would probably be very upset and assume that its her job since we''ve been friends for so long (and cuz we''ve discussed her doing it before I was ever engaged). I think if I asked my best friend to do it, then my fi''s sister would probably be the one to take initiative and plan things and help out. What should I do? I thought about having both be the MOH... but they don''t care for each other very much and that might be a problem if they plan things together.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
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11,242
You could have both simply be "attendants" or "bridesmaids" and not have a maid of honor, and delegate different responsiblities to each of them (one handles day-of, the other handles bachelorette party, etc. etc.) so they don't have to work together. Or have no attendants at all!

ETA: You also could ask your friend to be your figurehead MOH but explain the situation to your FI's sister, and tell her you'd very much like her to be involved in the planning, that way if your friend doesn't live up to your position you will still have help.
 

mainlobster101

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14
I am leaning towards asking them to both just be bridesmaids and giving them different tasks... however, I''m not sure that the best friend would be good at/ be happy about doing ANYTHING. And I think the fact that I did not specifially ask her to be my MOH would make her really mad. I''m so torn!
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Do you know your fi's sister well enough to confide in her about the situation? It's possible that she could completely understand.

I don't think there's any harm in having a non-involved MOH, unless you really think that you'll need a lot of help. My MOH lives (literally) on the other side of the country and has 2 young daughters, so I'm not expecting (or asking for) any planning help from her. I want her to be my MOH because she's played a large role in shaping who I've become, and will forever play a large role in my life... not because of the role she'll play in planning my wedding.

Then again, that's not the best way to go if you want a MOH to play the traditional role--planning almost as much as the bride!

I think if it were me (working with very limited information here) I'd ask your friend to be your MOH, and your explain to your FI's sister the situation. It's not worth upsetting your friend even more when she's going through a rough time.

Then again, I'm a "make everyone happy" type, so I'm sure a LOT of PSers will disagree with me though!
 

mainlobster101

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14
I *would* just ask my best friend to be the MOH (to avoid hurt feelings) and explain everything to the FI''s sister so she would know that I''d really love her help... but I''d hate to ask the best friend only on the principle that I''ve known her longer. We used to be very close but lately our styles/lives are different and I get along much better with the FI''s sis.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
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11,242
It sounds like you''ve already made your decision
Only issue is how to break it to your friend, but I''m afraid I''ll be no help there, I never know how to deal with situations like that.
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
I had a similar situation when deciding who to pick for what. I have three friends that I'm very close with, one that I've known since high school, another since college and another since before law school. Neither the first nor the second live in my state. So part of me thought go w/the one from high school, I've known her the longest and certainly, we have a deep bond. However, we're very different and some of me questions if the time we've known each other is part of what holds our friendship together. So I also thought about person #3 b/c she lives here. But I haven't known her as long as the others and we're also pretty different in some ways. So person #2 is probably whom I have the strongest connection in some ways. We're a lot alike and she recently got married, did not have an official wedding party but I was the "unofficial MOH". She didn't want to hurt her sister's feelings or any other friends so just decided to have a "Wedding Task Force". That was fun and nobody's feelings were hurt.
But what I really wanted was to pick her, even though she's out of state and probably couldn't help much, but she best understands me and is in a fairly similar position in life. So I lamented over it for days and finally, w/my FI's advice, just decided to do what I wanted. It's my wedding and it's about who I want as what. So that's what I did. I asked the other two to be bridesmaids and her to be my maid of honor. I don't know if the others feelings are hurt but I sure hope not. Since then, I felt great about my decision and to this day, although my moh can't be around to help, she's the one who's provided me the moral support w/things and the first one who went to try on bm dresses. To me, choosing a moh wasn't about what tasks she could provide for me, but who she is and what she means to me.
So, with all that being said (sorry so long!), I'd pick your FI's sister b/c it sounds like that's who you want. It's your wedding and you should be happy!
 

biblobaggins23

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2006
Messages
227
this may not be your situation, but i know a lot of friends who are getting married that feel obligated to put their fiance''s family members as their bridesmaids and regret the decision because they ended up leaving someone they wanted to have as a bridesmaid left out. if this is your case, i wouldn''t choose your fiance''s sister. go with your heart. i would choose your best friend. she probably knows you the best and has been there through thick and thin! i''m sure she is not upset about you getting married, just that she wishes she could be as happy as you!!!!
 
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