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Where Would You Draw The Line?

Verdy

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
319
Hi all,
This is going to be a bit of rant/plea for advice, we've put up with this situation for so long and we're not sure what to do anymore, so here goes.

About a year ago, my parents rented a room to a friend of my mom's, she had been looking for a place to stay for quite some time, and because she had a 3 year old daughter, no one was willing to rent out a room to her. She came to us one day asking to stay with us until she found somewhere else to stay. My dad was skeptical at first because of her daughter, since most toddlers at that age are constantly getting into everything. However my mom managed to persuade him into renting out the room to her, and she moved in with us shortly thereafter.

Before they rented the room to her, they asked her about the baby's father and she said that they were no longer together and that he ONLY came to visit her to see the baby, and these visits were always outside. She promised them that he would NEVER come into our home and that she would let us know when he would be coming to see the baby. Within the year that she has been here, we have grown agitated with her due to the fact that a) the visits were NOT kept outside, he came (more like barged in without even an excuse me, or a hello) INSIDE of our home and didn't even bother to take his shoes off at the door, which were often covered in dirt or mud, which got carried onto our wood floors that we meticulously clean. We also noticed that b) he began SHOWERING and even SLEEPING inside of our house (I noticed this one day when I came home from school). And finally c) She sneaks him into our house when my parents are NOT home at various hours of the morning/night, or if they are home, she sneaks him in when we are not in the living room watching TV, or when my mom and I are in the kitchen. I wish things would just stop there, but unfortunately the list continues.

Another aspect about her that we quickly picked up on is the simple fact that she doesn't like to clean. And I'm not referring to housework, I mean cleaning after herself and the baby. Often she will give the baby something to eat in the kitchen like watermelon, cantaloupe, juice, etc. and will let her walk around the house with those things in hand dripping fruit juice all over the place, making everything sticky. This would be okay with us if she cleaned after her, but unfortunately she doesn't. She laughs it off and says she'll pick it up later, which she never does, and so we end up cleaning it. The baby has also gotten the habit of scribbling with markers/pens/crayons/chalk all over the walls of their room. She has tried to cover it up but the drawings are still there.

We have also noticed that she is very careless when it comes to the baby, she will often leave her alone in their room and forget about her until she starts crying. She is always on her phone, texting or calling while the baby is downstairs. A few nights ago while she was outside texting, a heavy dresser fell ontop of the baby, drawers and all came down on her and my mom and I had to rush down to their room to see what had happened, meanwhile she was STILL outside on her phone. Fortunately, only a few scratches and bruises were left on the baby, no broken bones or anything of the sort, but after that we have gotten somewhat paranoid. If anything happens to that baby because of her carelessness, I'm pretty sure we would be the ones to blame since the house is ours.

I'm sure that you all wondering why we haven't said anything to her, we have. On multiple occasions. When we have confronted her about some of the problems that are listed above, she gets annoyed and takes it personally, as if we don't want her there. She gets offended easily, so we are not sure how to approach her about these things without causing an altercation. My dad is at the end of his rope and has told my mom that he will throw her out if something isn't done about the situation. We all feel sorry for the baby most of all because she's innocent and has no need to suffer through a situation that isn't her fault, which is why we haven't asked her to leave.

We're just not sure how much more we can take from all of this, but we have no idea how to talk to her about anything. I'm hoping some of you will be willing to offer up some advice, it's pretty tense in the house as of now, and her communication with us is very limited.
 

iLander

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Oh, boy . . . :nono:

People sometimes say I'm too nice and that people take advantage of me. But even I can see that this girl is walking all over your family. :cry:

If she can't respect your rules and your property, even after you've discussed it with her, she needs to go. Give her one week to get out of the house, and stand firm. People that manipulate and take advantage will pull out all the stops when they feel cornered. Be strong.

Otherwise, it's just a matter of time until the baby's daddy ends up living with you, too. And then his friends start hanging around. Then the baby gets hurt because this girl is an irresponsible twit and because she "thought you were watching the baby". Pretty soon you WILL be blamed for something, I guarantee it. Dysfunctional people aren't happy unless they drag everyone around them down to their level. This girl is using you, and she needs to go. Don't fall for her promises and pleading next time. Just shove her out.

Maybe those fascinating friends that she's texting and talking to all the time can take her in. Don't worry about her, or the baby. People like this can always find another sucker.

Oh, and explain to your mother that this girl is NOT her friend.
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
Wow. The line would have been crossed for me ages ago. This girls needs to get out of your house, ASAP.
 

Verdy

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
319
iLander|1315083013|3009217 said:
Oh, boy . . . :nono:

People sometimes say I'm too nice and that people take advantage of me. But even I can see that this girl is walking all over your family. :cry:

If she can't respect your rules and your property, even after you've discussed it with her, she needs to go. Give her one week to get out of the house, and stand firm. People that manipulate and take advantage will pull out all the stops when they feel cornered. Be strong.

Otherwise, it's just a matter of time until the baby's daddy ends up living with you, too. And then his friends start hanging around. Then the baby gets hurt because this girl is an irresponsible twit and because she "thought you were watching the baby". Pretty soon you WILL be blamed for something, I guarantee it. Dysfunctional people aren't happy unless they drag everyone around them down to their level. This girl is using you, and she needs to go. Don't fall for her promises and pleading next time. Just shove her out.

Maybe those fascinating friends that she's texting and talking to all the time can take her in. Don't worry about her, or the baby. People like this can always find another sucker.

Oh, and explain to your mother that this girl is NOT her friend.
Both of my parents are very good people, and that's why we let her in the house to begin with, but it IS clear that she has overstayed her welcome here with us. They are talking about getting her out of here, ASAP, I'm just not sure when they'll pull the plug on her. In January we even had an ambulance and a sheriff at our house because she tried carrying the baby downstairs while talking on the phone, needless to say, things went very wrong. She fell and the baby tumbled out of her arms. Nothing serious happened, but after that we got apprehensive. The incident with the dresser only made things even worse.

I've told my mom on countless occasions that this is no friend of hers, and she's finally accepted the fact that she's used us. They don't talk anymore, I just hope they get her out of here soon, there is too much tension in the house, and I'm afraid of something more serious happening in the future which as you stated iLander, we will be blamed for.

Fun fact: As I was typing this, she let him into the house. Again. :sick:
 

natascha

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Messages
644
That is a bad situation your family is in. It is always so hard when children are involved. The only thing I can see that would work is the following.

First, if you have not already, give her a definite ultimatum. Either she stops bringing that guy in and starts taking care of cleaning AND her child most importantly or she is out. If she does not follow the rules give her two weeks to find a new place. Regarding the child, depending on the gravity of what she is doing call child protection services. Do not allow her to continue getting away with it. I understand your worry about the child but the solution is not to allow them to continue living with you while the mother ignores all rules. That is not going to help the child long term unless you are willing for them to live with you for another 18 years.

Sorry for being harsh but people won't change if you keep on treating them the same and allowing them to not follow house rules and common sense without repercussions.

Hoping for a speedy resolution to your dilemma. You seem like a great family and please try to not feel guilty if her behavior forces you to kick her out.
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
I can relate to this quite a lot. When I was a kid, a family of 5 moved in with us. My parents gave the family the master bedroom with master bath. Every meal was provided for them, they had full use of kitchen, wash, everything. These people never cleaned up after themselves, didn't offer to pay for anything, and were generally unkempt and rude. Finally, after months and months of hints, my parents had to kick them out. I believe they gave them 2 weeks to pack up and get out. They left during the night and took most of my mom's clothes and jewelery. (the woman was the same size) in addition to food items, entertainment items and books. My parents never regretted letting the family stay. They were a family in need and we were a family who could help. But, the friendship was over.

This woman and child definitely need to get out. If they are destitute, they can apply for section 8 housing and other government services. There is even a child care program that will pay for daycare while the mom works.
 

PintoBean

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 27, 2011
Messages
6,585
Is she paying rent month to month? Give her a months notice to move out. If she does not at the end of the month, put her stuff on the curb and change the locks.

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh, but your post really got me riled up and upset for your parents and her baby. Grrr... :angryfire:
 

qtiekiki

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 14, 2004
Messages
3,880
Yes, I would give her a move out date. And I would call child protective services on her.
 

JewelFreak

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
7,768
iLander|1315083013|3009217 said:
Oh, boy . . . :nono:

People sometimes say I'm too nice and that people take advantage of me. But even I can see that this girl is walking all over your family. :cry:

If she can't respect your rules and your property, even after you've discussed it with her, she needs to go. Give her one week to get out of the house, and stand firm. People that manipulate and take advantage will pull out all the stops when they feel cornered. Be strong.

Otherwise, it's just a matter of time until the baby's daddy ends up living with you, too. And then his friends start hanging around. Then the baby gets hurt because this girl is an irresponsible twit and because she "thought you were watching the baby". Pretty soon you WILL be blamed for something, I guarantee it. Dysfunctional people aren't happy unless they drag everyone around them down to their level. This girl is using you, and she needs to go. Don't fall for her promises and pleading next time. Just shove her out.

Maybe those fascinating friends that she's texting and talking to all the time can take her in. Don't worry about her, or the baby. People like this can always find another sucker.

Oh, and explain to your mother that this girl is NOT her friend.
All the wisdom you need right there from iLander. Nothing more needs to be said -- your parents need to get her out before something bad happens, rather than "being nice" until they're in trouble. This isn't a case where nice or not-nice enters in. It's a con.
 

AmeliaG

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2011
Messages
880
Looks like she should be reported to some Child Services agency. What she's doing is dangerous to the baby. Then she should be kicked out.

But I guess its your parent's decision.
 

iLander

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Verdy|1315083924|3009226 said:
Both of my parents are very good people, and that's why we let her in the house to begin with, but it IS clear that she has overstayed her welcome here with us. They are talking about getting her out of here, ASAP, I'm just not sure when they'll pull the plug on her. In January we even had an ambulance and a sheriff at our house because she tried carrying the baby downstairs while talking on the phone, needless to say, things went very wrong. She fell and the baby tumbled out of her arms. Nothing serious happened, but after that we got apprehensive. The incident with the dresser only made things even worse.

I've told my mom on countless occasions that this is no friend of hers, and she's finally accepted the fact that she's used us. They don't talk anymore, I just hope they get her out of here soon, there is too much tension in the house, and I'm afraid of something more serious happening in the future which as you stated iLander, we will be blamed for.

Fun fact: As I was typing this, she let him into the house. Again. :sick:
OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! :errrr:

Tomorrow morning. Tell her tomorrow morning. What are your parents waiting for? There will be more stupidity, another possible injury, ask yourself if this will happen before or after she is no longer living with you. Because it will happen, that's obvious. Ask yourself how involved do you want to be with the next mess. "Involved" as in "heard about it through the grapevine", or "involved" like "trying to explain it to the judge in court".

There is no time like the present. Tell her that she and the baby need to be out of your house by next Sunday. I don't know if she's somehow related to you, or if she really is only a friend, but she's GOT TO GO. Now!
 

LGK

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 27, 2007
Messages
2,975
Honestly, I think you and your family need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. I don't know if she would qualify as a tenant if she is paying rent, but quite possibly; if she does, she has a lot of rights by law, and you as landlord can be very screwed by a lousy tenant. it can be very hard to evict someone especially if they are paying and you don't have a paper contract. YIKES. I really, really feel for you.
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,513
Wow, this situation has turned into a disaster. Talking to her about her behavior obviously hasn't helped, so I really think the time has come for this woman to find another place to stay. She doesn't seem to have any respect for your parents or your home. It sounds like it was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement anyway. Your family could offer to help her find another place, but I think they need to talk to her and set up a date for her to move out by. This is a rough situation because there's a child involved, but at least the search can start for new living arrangements for her.
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
Upon further consideration, I think you should call DCFS to protect the child and then kick out the woman.
This woman is not just making mistakes, she's putting her child in danger.
 

Verdy

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
319
It's a very frustrating situation for all of us. I will talk to my parents about getting her out of her tonight, I'm not sure they would be a huge fan of calling CPS though, they're not very big into those kinds of things. Ultimately that's a very heavy decision to make, and I'm not sure they would want to. I doubt she would ever try to get us into trouble though, she doesn't have permanent residential status in the US, so it would be difficult for her to bring anything against us. I for one will be very sad to see the baby go, we've all gotten attached to her since we spend lots of time playing with her teaching her how to do things, but I suppose that's no excuse to keep her around any longer with all of these incidents.

Junebug - It WAS meant to be temporary, but then she asked if she could stay permanently with us since she liked the area where we live, and there's a preschool and shopping center nearby. Back then things were manageable though, now it's just a mess.

Somethingshiny - That's exactly the situation we're in right now. We have provided everything for her and the baby, just to help her out. Whenever my mom cooks she ALWAYS gives them a bite, they're allowed to use the wash, and we've even given them a parking spot in front of the house, just to make life easier for her.
 

iLander

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Verdy|1315085303|3009254 said:
It's a very frustrating situation for all of us. I will talk to my parents about getting her out of her tonight, I'm not sure they would be a huge fan of calling CPS though, they're not very big into those kinds of things. Ultimately that's a very heavy decision to make, and I'm not sure they would want to. I doubt she would ever try to get us into trouble though, she doesn't have permanent residential status in the US, so it would be difficult for her to bring anything against us. I for one will be very sad to see the baby go, we've all gotten attached to her since we spend lots of time playing with her teaching her how to do things, but I suppose that's no excuse to keep her around any longer with all of these incidents.

Junebug - It WAS meant to be temporary, but then she asked if she could stay permanently with us since she liked the area where we live, and there's a preschool and shopping center nearby. Back then things were manageable though, now it's just a mess.
This is what I tell my children when they are flip-flopping on something; Even if you do not decide, you have made a decision.

If your parents don't "decide" to kick her out, they are effectively "deciding" to let her walk all over them.

Offer to babysit every now and then. Then you'll be able to see the baby, and I'm sure this chick will be open to dropping her baby off.
 

Verdy

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
319
iLander|1315086134|3009260 said:
Verdy|1315085303|3009254 said:
It's a very frustrating situation for all of us. I will talk to my parents about getting her out of her tonight, I'm not sure they would be a huge fan of calling CPS though, they're not very big into those kinds of things. Ultimately that's a very heavy decision to make, and I'm not sure they would want to. I doubt she would ever try to get us into trouble though, she doesn't have permanent residential status in the US, so it would be difficult for her to bring anything against us. I for one will be very sad to see the baby go, we've all gotten attached to her since we spend lots of time playing with her teaching her how to do things, but I suppose that's no excuse to keep her around any longer with all of these incidents.

Junebug - It WAS meant to be temporary, but then she asked if she could stay permanently with us since she liked the area where we live, and there's a preschool and shopping center nearby. Back then things were manageable though, now it's just a mess.
This is what I tell my children when they are flip-flopping on something; Even if you do not decide, you have made a decision.

If your parents don't "decide" to kick her out, they are effectively "deciding" to let her walk all over them.

Offer to babysit every now and then. Then you'll be able to see the baby, and I'm sure this chick will be open to dropping her baby off.
Oops, I meant a decision over CPS, my bad! They have decided that she needs to go, so tonight I'm guessing we'll figure out how to give her the notice of it all. They're done with the incidents and the lack of respect for us as a family and for the house.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
I would tell her that her stay has run it's course and renin a room to her is no longer something thy can do (did she ever even look for another place??) if she inquire why I would list the reasons and examples you gave and explain that younger no longer comfortable renting a room in your house out.
 

iLander

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Verdy|1315086420|3009269 said:
Oops, I meant a decision over CPS, my bad! They have decided that she needs to go, so tonight I'm guessing we'll figure out how to give her the notice of it all. They're done with the incidents and the lack of respect for us as a family and for the house.
Sorry, I'm getting all carried away and didn't read it right.

Just tell her you need the room for someone else (that someone else is you ;)) ) and she has to be out next Sunday. Period.

Keep your eye on your stuff while she's packing up to go. Hide your jewelry, put away your checkbooks, purses, etc. She might not be a problem but I'm sure someone will come to "help her move" so make sure they don't help themselves to your stuff. Somethingshiny's story is a word to the wise, I think.
 

HollyS

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 18, 2007
Messages
6,099
I would:

Toss her out today. And get ready for the fallout from baby daddy as the gal. It won't be pretty.

HOWEVER, if you are in a state (U.S.) where she now has 'resident's rights' because you invited her in (and she's paid any rent), you're in for a legal hassle. It would be far easier to rid your home of bedbugs. Seriously.

This ain't good.
 

JewelFreak

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
7,768
I doubt she'll make legal trouble. That tiny far-off possibility would not stop me from getting her out. She'll quickly find somebody else to con with the same story she gave your parents.

But: Change your locks after she leaves! Who knows what friends of hers might make a copy of her key in the time before she goes.
 

centralsquare

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2009
Messages
2,201
I agree with other posters, she needs to go. That poor child....deserves better than that. :cry:
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
5,586
Show her out please, and definitely change the locks.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Your parents need to say this isn't working. We rented the room to you in good faith, and all of that has gone by the way side. You must leave tonight. And could very well call CPS on you from what we have witnessed.

Make her give them all the keys she has and inform her that all locks will be changed tonight....

Have your dad watch her as she packs up.

That's how it has to go.
 

Dancing Fire

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 3, 2004
Messages
32,403
tell your dad to grab his shotgun now!!
 

Verdy

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 20, 2011
Messages
319
DF - your post made me LOL :lol:

Well, we finally told her she had to move out. She promised and swore left and right but my dad stayed firm on the decision, he's given her until the 17th to find a new place and move out. My mother on the other hand didn't have anything to do with telling her, she says she feels a little guilty, but she's relieved to see her go. We have chosen not to call CPS, but my dad did warn her that if she didn't clean up her act, someone else would and she could possibly lose her daughter. Not sure whether she will take that advice to heart, but here's to hoping that she will. She cried and was visibly upset, but it's for the best - for her and for ours. We can't afford to have another accident in our house, she abused the confidence that we gave to her, and there was just no turning back. I have offered to babysit for her if she ever needs it, but odds are she won't be coming around here again. My parents asked for the keys, and told her that someone will be home by the time she gets home everyday so she won't need to unlock the front door (mom just got on vacation today for a month). They just left to Lowes to buy new locks. Thanks to everyone of you that pitched in, I guess we were too timid to confront her with the reality that we just couldn't let her stay here anymore, but I read your posts out loud to both of my parents and they both agreed wholeheartedly that she had most definitely outstayed her welcome with us.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Glad we were of help to you and your lovely parents...

Now listen. She has been warned, has a move out date...

Ya know what is next?? Tears, I can't move by then and will play on your parents.

Your parents have to hold firm, and stand by their word...

I hope this all works out.

Keep us posted, and will help you if things get wacky. Hoping that's not the case. But tell your mom and dad to secure all valuables...Jewlery or anything that she can grab and sell...

Best to play safe than sorry...
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
be honest: you don't want her in the home. i wouldn't either. don't buy into guilt because of it. the family did her a favor. she's trampled all over it. sorry for the little one but out they go.
 

jewelerman

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
3,101
okay so i have a question...where is baby daddy living when hes not in your home...and why is she not living with him?if hes in her bed and shower then they are together and he should be helping to find them a place to live.
 

junebug17

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 17, 2009
Messages
12,513
Thanks for the update Verdy. Honestly, your parents had no choice but to tell her to leave. I know it wasn't easy for them, but it was the right thing to do. Your mother shouldn't feel guilty - she did a wonderful thing for this woman by giving her a place to stay, but your mother also has the right to feel at peace in her own home, and this woman completely disrupted that peace. There was really no other option at this point. Your father handled things really well. Who knows, maybe this experience will help this woman realize that there are consequences to her actions and that she needs to start being a better parent.
 
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