when you''ve gone too far

[Rose_Dust]

I don''t want to get into too many detail because it''s just too hard but I just need to vent/talk this out.

So my BF and I had a fight lastnight

, not really sure how it got started or really what fueled it but needless to say I was sitting by myself brewing and making things worse in my head. Then I absolutely exploded on him, totally uncalled for on my part. So today I am suffering the consequenses of my actions, things are awkward and quiet. All I wish I could do would be to rewind time and erase my insanity.

I''m sure we''ve all had our moments where things just went horribly wrong but there''s nothing you can do about it later. I''m feeling guilty and depressed and wish these feelings would subside faster than they are. I know these things will take time and that terms between me and my BF will patch and everything would get back to normal. It''s just not moving fast enough for me.

What have you done after creating a huge mess? Any other advice besides just give it time?

Thanks all for letting me vent.

I hope the weekend brings some more proposals for all you lovely ladies. Dust to you all!!

 

[legallyspoiled]

When my FF and I get in a big fight, we become really reserved and don''t talk to each other for a few hours...or days. We aren''t rude to each other (usually). We try to remain cordial in fact. The "quiet time" usually allows both of us to come around and see the error of our ways. The egregiously guilty party normally comes up with some sweet gesture to make things right again.

If you feel like you were completely out of line, give him time to simmer down and then apologize. Nothing elaborate. Just something short and genuine.

Remember, relationships are like roller coasters. They ALL have their ups and downs.

 

[Indylady]

We usually talk things out right away. Have you thought about apologizing, and explaining that you might have gotten carried away?

 

[luckynumber]

we tend to make up straight away, and both of us apologise.

we''ve had some fights on the phone, where we hung up on each other, only to call back 5 seconds later....

i''ve had a bust up about the ring, but mostly coz he would not tell me ANYTHING about it, and pretended he hadn''t even found the stone yet, when the ring was already made!!

i know he wanted to surprise, but, seriously, how much torture can a girl take??

apologise.

IF you''ve blown up about the ring, then you apologise first. let him know you freaked out and became stressed because of how much you want to join your life with his, and make it way less about the ring.

 

[stepcutgirl]

It depends on what your bf is like. I am the type who can get un mad with the snap of a finger just like i can get mad that quick. As soon as I realize I''m wrong I want to talk it out. Bf is not like that. When he gets really really angry whether he is right or wrong he needs his time. That was hard for me not to just realize but to respect.

So now when I am the guilty party and I realize I am being an a$$ I immediately stop, say I realize I am wrong and apologize and let him come to me when he is ready. Since I have been doing this his turn around time from angry to neutral or even understanding is much more rapid. By giving him his space...he doesn''t need as much space.

I hope that helps and makes sense.

 

[beezygal]

Whenever my FF and I ague, we say NASTY MEAN HURTFUL stuff to each other. No matter what, the next day, everything will be back to normal. Sometimes, one of us just have to apologize first then the other one will do the same. Just apologize and talk about it. I''m sure you guys will be fine. Good luck!!!

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/23/2010 3:32:39 PM
Author: IndyLady
We usually talk things out right away. Have you thought about apologizing, and explaining that you might have gotten carried away?

This.

DH and I don't really get into big fights...minor little power struggles yes but then we call one another out on it, laugh, and get back to the root of it and solve it together. We also tend to talk things out right away (without brewing about it and so forth) as we are always "checking in" with one another through open dialogue. And if we are having a day where one or both of us does just feel a little bit more sensitive or irritated, we let the other know and just remind ourselves to be good to ourselves and each other. It's RARELY RARELY because of something the other person did, it's just our own sensitivity to things that day and something going on in ourselves.

The rare times where we have not been as proactive and have gotten into a bit more of a power struggle (I would never say we "exploded" on each other though) we have taken a breather or a time-out, then come back to talk with calmer heads and hearts, and accepted responsibility for our reactions. We don't hold grudges either.

There is ALWAYS something you can do about it later. You can't "take it back" but you most certainly CAN reach out to one another and work together to repair what has been done. I do not think it is healthy to just rely on time alone to work things out, I think that is where resentments build and intimacy is lost. Time can help heal, but it should not be relied on to SOLVE things. Been there, done that with past partners and there is a reason they are in the past. Those wounds may be covered up with time, but they are still there.

I also think that if this is a common pattern - it would be effective for you to look at your patterns and maybe talk to someone about what causes you to brew until you explode about things...and what is really at the heart of it all. As well as to sit down together and establish boundaries for one another and discuss your own "fighting styles". Personally, it is a major boundary for me and DH to ever be hurtful to one another. We attack the problem or the issue together, not each other. Even when we disagree, we see ourselves as a team - not enemies.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/23/2010 3:41:21 PM
Author: beezygal
Whenever my FF and I ague, we say NASTY MEAN HURTFUL stuff to each other. No matter what, the next day, everything will be back to normal. Sometimes, one of us just have to apologize first then the other one will do the same. Just apologize and talk about it. I''m sure you guys will be fine. Good luck!!!

I don''t mean to threadjack, but this really struck me. This sounds like extremely unhealthy behavior, beezygal. I''m really not going to sit here and preach about this, but maybe it''s something you need to give more thought to?

Back on topic: Rose_Dust, as other ladies have asked, have you apologzed yet? Many a-LIW has had a meltdown, but your use of the word "exploded" makes me think it went above and beyond anything "normal". I hope things are better between you and your BF very soon, and that this doesn''t happen again!

 

[Rose_Dust]

Yes I did apologize last night about an hour after everything went down. I knew I was wrong for my explosion.

I''m the kind of person who likes to talk and fix things right away where as he needs his space and doesn''t want to talk at all. I know this about him and still struggle with how to deal with it best. So after my apology we went to bed and have said few words since then. We''ll see where tonight takes us, I hope things become easier.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/23/2010 3:58:59 PM
Author: Rose_Dust
Yes I did apologize last night about an hour after everything went down. I knew I was wrong for my explosion.


I'm the kind of person who likes to talk and fix things right away where as he needs his space and doesn't want to talk at all. I know this about him and still struggle with how to deal with it best. So after my apology we went to bed and have said few words since then. We'll see where tonight takes us, I hope things become easier.

Okay, well, I certainly do understand him needing some space. But, if that means he never wants to talk about it either that is just as unhealthy as "exploding" if it is used in a manipulative, silent treatment sort of way. I don't know, I have some direct experience with that sort of relationship dynamic in the past and I think as a couple you are really going to have to be proactive into coming into something that works for you both. Tiptoeing around his silence does not work, nor does his refusal to talk work. Neither does bombarding someone right away to fix something. There needs to be some sort of balance.

I think together you need to sit down (after things calm down and you are in a good place) and say something like "Rose_Dust's BF, I know that I have a tendency to let things build up, and I imagine that is a bit scary for you when I do unleash! At the same time, when you are silent, I start to imagine all sorts of things in my head and start to feel a bit left out. How do you think we can work together so both my needs to talk about issues, and your need to have space, can be resolved? Do you have any suggestions"

Premarital counseling focusing on conflict/communication styles would be a wonderful gift to yourselves too.

 

[HappyNewLife]

i have, on numerous occasions, created big messes with my SO. It''s funny because my past relationships were so mellow. However, there was also ZERO passion in my last relationships, so I''d much rather take my current (and last) relationship that has allowed me to grow and learn and become a much healthier person. I truly think conflict is important and one can learn a lot from it.

Anyway, every time I''ve caused a big mess I''ve gone to see my therapist. She always puts my mind at ease and helps me by giving me new ideas and tools for the next time such a sitution arises. My SO is also really good at getting it all out and then eventually we both calm down and talk about it.

Nothing has ever been too big a deal for us to overcome, and trust me, it wasn''t an easy year last year.

I think you''ll be OK, hang in there and let things calm down. It always seems like the end of the world when we argue/fight with our SOs, but really it never is. *hug*

 

[dawnabee]

Booo I hate fighting

Nobody ever feels good about it (i hope)

I cant say me and the BF fight that much because he always just laughs at me and thinks I''m like an angry kitten when I try to argue lol But If me and the BF do have a serious fight we usually cool off for a couple hours then one of us talks about something totally off topic and everything returns to normal. If its something that needs to be discussed we usually talk it out and figure out whats the root of the problem.

Dont stress too much over what to do its better to reflect and relax so you can be rational the next tiem you see eachother or talk. It will get better!

 

[beezygal]

Date: 4/23/2010 3:49:39 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 4/23/2010 3:41:21 PM
Author: beezygal
Whenever my FF and I ague, we say NASTY MEAN HURTFUL stuff to each other. No matter what, the next day, everything will be back to normal. Sometimes, one of us just have to apologize first then the other one will do the same. Just apologize and talk about it. I''m sure you guys will be fine. Good luck!!!

I don''t mean to threadjack, but this really struck me. This sounds like extremely unhealthy behavior, beezygal. I''m really not going to sit here and preach about this, but maybe it''s something you need to give more thought to?

Back on topic: Rose_Dust, as other ladies have asked, have you apologzed yet? Many a-LIW has had a meltdown, but your use of the word ''exploded'' makes me think it went above and beyond anything ''normal''. I hope things are better between you and your BF very soon, and that this doesn''t happen again!

hey lilyfoot. I know it''s unhealthy. We just call each other stupid and dumb. I talked to him about that and told him we shouldn''t be doing that to hurt our relationship. We haven''t been doing that for a very long time.... ''cuz.. we know we shouldn''t be mean when we''re arguing... it''s just the anger talking. When we were MEAN to each other, we were actually having a rough time with getting married and stuff. A year ago, he wasn''t ready to get married but I was. Then, I decided to just wait until he''s ready and just shut up and stop nagging. Now, we''re ready to get engaged. We''ve been through that.. and we love each other more than ever. It IS very important to talk things though no matter what. Thanks for your concern though. OMG.. you''re getting married!!!! tomorrow????

 

[MayFlowers]

Date: 4/23/2010 4:10:37 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 4/23/2010 3:58:59 PM

Author: Rose_Dust

Yes I did apologize last night about an hour after everything went down. I knew I was wrong for my explosion.



I''m the kind of person who likes to talk and fix things right away where as he needs his space and doesn''t want to talk at all. I know this about him and still struggle with how to deal with it best. So after my apology we went to bed and have said few words since then. We''ll see where tonight takes us, I hope things become easier.

I think together you need to sit down (after things calm down and you are in a good place) and say something like ''Rose_Dust''s BF, I know that I have a tendency to let things build up, and I imagine that is a bit scary for you when I do unleash! At the same time, when you are silent, I start to imagine all sorts of things in my head and start to feel a bit left out. How do you think we can work together so both my needs to talk about issues, and your need to have space, can be resolved? Do you have any suggestions''

Ditto RaiKai. My BF gets the same way. When he gets upset, he needs his space to cool down and we say very few words until we are both ready to talk out the argument. You definitely need to talk to him about this "explosion". Trust me, once you do, you and him will feel so much better.

 

[Jessie702]

The Bf and i have gotten into 2 HUGE fights ever, we get into little ones like everyone elses. Generally im the one who needs some space, and he knows to give it to me, even though he becomes very reserved and wont talk. Hes the " Im gonna kill you with silence and kindness" which drives me insane. We usually make up fairly quickly, and apologize to each other. It last less than a few hours. Dont worry hon, just give him some time

 

[merilenda]

HappyNewLife, I just wanted to say that I think you and I might be twins. I could have been writing most of what you just said!

To Rose_Dust, I''ve been there, too. It can definitely be hard not to start things sometimes when you feel that you''re more ready that he is to move the relationship forward. I would just be truthful and explain that while you want to move to that next level of commitment with him, that you know you should have approached it in a better way. Maybe a card and flowers or cook a nice dinner for him? Really any small gesture that shows him that you''re sorry.

 

[rierie26]

It depends on how you and your bf deal with conflict. My BF and I are similar in that we both need time to cool down and when we''re both ready, we sit down and talk about it calmly and rationally. If things are still awkward, one of us will usually do something silly or will crack a joke to relieve the tension.

 

[PumpkinPie]

if you''ve apologised, he probably just needs some time - I''m sorry it''s feeling awkward today though

that''s always rough. I tend to use humour to try to get back to ''normal''

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/23/2010 6:53:44 PM
Author: beezygal

Date: 4/23/2010 3:49:39 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 4/23/2010 3:41:21 PM
Author: beezygal
Whenever my FF and I ague, we say NASTY MEAN HURTFUL stuff to each other. No matter what, the next day, everything will be back to normal. Sometimes, one of us just have to apologize first then the other one will do the same. Just apologize and talk about it. I''m sure you guys will be fine. Good luck!!!

I don''t mean to threadjack, but this really struck me. This sounds like extremely unhealthy behavior, beezygal. I''m really not going to sit here and preach about this, but maybe it''s something you need to give more thought to?

Back on topic: Rose_Dust, as other ladies have asked, have you apologzed yet? Many a-LIW has had a meltdown, but your use of the word ''exploded'' makes me think it went above and beyond anything ''normal''. I hope things are better between you and your BF very soon, and that this doesn''t happen again!

hey lilyfoot. I know it''s unhealthy. We just call each other stupid and dumb. I talked to him about that and told him we shouldn''t be doing that to hurt our relationship. We haven''t been doing that for a very long time.... ''cuz.. we know we shouldn''t be mean when we''re arguing... it''s just the anger talking. When we were MEAN to each other, we were actually having a rough time with getting married and stuff. A year ago, he wasn''t ready to get married but I was. Then, I decided to just wait until he''s ready and just shut up and stop nagging. Now, we''re ready to get engaged. We''ve been through that.. and we love each other more than ever. It IS very important to talk things though no matter what. Thanks for your concern though. OMG.. you''re getting married!!!! tomorrow????

Hey beezygal

Yes, we are married as of yesterday, actually! Thank you for not jumping all over me for posting that, I really didn''t mean to offend you in any way! Obviously, nobody''s relationship is perfect, and relationships are constant work. I''m glad you guys have spoken about your fighting behavior, and have worked to make it better. I''m very glad to hear your BF feels ready to be engaged, and I''ll be looking forward to your proposal/ring thread!

 

[DuckLovingVegan]

I usually just don''t say anything after we fight and I''m angry. B/F hates that about me not talking just being angry. I usually end up talking to him about it before we go to bed. I hate it when I''m mad at him or vice versa. I know the whole awkward feeling all to well. If you feel that way just clear the air and talk to him.