When to start planning?

[LadyJane83]

Hey ladies! I''m wondering how long after the proposal you all waited to start the wedding planning and financial discussions about the wedding. A week, a month? I''m trying to get a feel for what is "normal" or average.

I''m not "officially" engaged yet (waiting on the ring), so this might be a bit premature. I actually enjoy researching and planning, and always want to organize and know exactly what is going on.

The issue is that, as of now, I have no idea what type of wedding we could have. If we were working only with our money and a contribution from my parents it would have to be a small ceremony followed by dinner at a restaurant with 20 or people (or something like this). It might be selfish, but I don''t feel comfortable spending large amounts of my own money on a wedding when we don''t even have enough money for a down payment on a house yet...

But he has a huge family and his parents have implied they would contribute (no idea how much) and/or host the wedding at their home. His parents have known for some time that we''re getting engaged and have already congratulated us, etc. I''m wondering how long before we approach them about specific details... any other suggestions on how to handle the actual convo would be helpful too.

Thanks.

 

[lilyfoot]

As far as bringing it up with the parents, it should come up in natural conversation, once you announce you''re engaged. I know it did for us.

 

[meresal]

I would wait until you are actually engaged to have that conversation with the parents.

More than likely, not in the same conversation in which you announce your engagement. Enjoy the newly engaged feeling for a little bit before you go diving into financials.

We waited about a month to start making decisions.

 

[mayerling]

I started working things out in my head as soon as we got engaged and started the actual planning the moment we set the date

 

[Nov2109]

We did things a little backwards, then again with wedding planning there is no real rhyme or reason.

We got engaged and everyone either knew already or we just made phone calls to our family friends etc. I wanted to enjoy being engaged for a bit, but really wanted to look at dresses! hah!

We got engaged in October, I bought my dress in December. We booked the church in January and then set a date with the reception hall in March.

I had my dress and BM dresses ordered before I even picked my venue. I knew what I wanted so I based my dress and BM dresses on that thought.

My parents told us up front what they were able to contribute, his parents said they will contribute what my parents did and we just had to fill in the rest. We did however start saving the paycheck after we got engaged.

I say do whatever feels right, but I would wait to discuss financials until after you are officially engaged...enjoy it for a bit, and those things usually come up naturally when you start talking about weddings.

 

[LadyJane83]

Thanks for all the quick replies! I''m definitely going to wait until after the official engagement. At that point, my inclination would be to set up sort of a meeting at some point to discuss what we can and cannot do, or how much they want to contribute, or discuss everyone''s ideas about what kind of wedding we should have. I just don''t know when to do that or whether I should wait for them to bring it up . . . I guess I am just very type A and I don''t want to seem overzealous . . . Oh well, maybe this is just one of those things that I can''t schedule and will have to just "feel out."

 

[LilyKat]

How soon after the engagement are you planning to get married?

We are having a 10-month engagement and could only do a very limited number of dates for various reasons. A lot of places get booked up well over a year in advance - so we had to move fast. Within 48 hours we had started discussing the details and viewing venues etc. Though it took us 2-3 weeks to settle on a final plan and start booking things.

If you are having a longer engagement or are flexible with your dates (or are getting married off-peak), there's less rush and more breathing room to enjoy being engaged

I think the idea of announcing it to both sets of parents and then setting up a meeting to discuss details later on (perhaps in a week or two?) is a great idea. It will also give them a chance to talk privately and work out exactly how much they can comfortably offer to contribute, without being put on the spot and pressured. A "Would you like to come round to ours for dinner next week so we can talk about wedding plans?" should do just fine.

 

[purselover]

Try not to worry too much, trust me if your or your SO''s parents plan on contributing or have any ideas about how they want your wedding to go, they won''t hesitate to mention it! If nothing gets mentioned by anyone at all then I would just start planning the wedding you and your SO want and can afford yourselves.

As for me DH and I had always known my parents would pay for the wedding and we threw around some ideas before we were engaged but we didn''t start actual planning until about a month after, and then we were married 5 months after that!

 

[LadyJane83]

I think that''s what I''ll do LilyKat... I just wanted to check and make sure that waiting a week or two and then taking the initiative wasn''t too forward or something . . . considering we would be asking about money.

I have no idea what the time frame would be. I would like to do summer or early fall 2011. If it''s summer, I know we might have to start getting things together quickly.

I also feel like I might be in a bit of a bind if they offer to host it at their house. I would be fine with that if it was done tastefully, but I know that can add up. I''m not saying I need fine china and a formal sit down dinner, but I''d rather have a small dinner at a restaurant with immediate family than a hoe-down.

I guess I''m thinking it might feel funny/unappreciative to say "yes, thank you, have it at your place and pay for most of it, but you have to do xyz and it has to be a certain way." I also feel like costs can get out of hand with an at-home wedding. If you don''t know exactly what you need it''s harder to budget (no set price for the venue, etc.) Guess I''m just thinking out loud again.

 

[LadyJane83]

Date: 3/24/2010 2:20:50 PM
Author: purselover
Try not to worry too much, trust me if your or your SO''s parents plan on contributing or have any ideas about how they want your wedding to go, they won''t hesitate to mention it! If nothing gets mentioned by anyone at all then I would just start planning the wedding you and your SO want and can afford yourselves.

As for me DH and I had always known my parents would pay for the wedding and we threw around some ideas before we were engaged but we didn''t start actual planning until about a month after, and then we were married 5 months after that!

I''m definitely a worrier! The only thing we know is that my parents can''t contribute much, if anything, and that his parents have hinted around about it. I realize I should go with the flow more...

 

[purselover]

Date: 3/24/2010 2:29:19 PM
Author: LadyJane83
I think that''s what I''ll do LilyKat... I just wanted to check and make sure that waiting a week or two and then taking the initiative wasn''t too forward or something . . . considering we would be asking about money.

I have no idea what the time frame would be. I would like to do summer or early fall 2011. If it''s summer, I know we might have to start getting things together quickly.

I also feel like I might be in a bit of a bind if they offer to host it at their house. I would be fine with that if it was done tastefully, but I know that can add up. I''m not saying I need fine china and a formal sit down dinner, but I''d rather have a small dinner at a restaurant with immediate family than a hoe-down.

I guess I''m thinking it might feel funny/unappreciative to say ''yes, thank you, have it at your place and pay for most of it, but you have to do xyz and it has to be a certain way.'' I also feel like costs can get out of hand with an at-home wedding. If you don''t know exactly what you need it''s harder to budget (no set price for the venue, etc.) Guess I''m just thinking out loud again.

I totally agree with you it seems that home weddings aren''t really any less expensive and they''re so much work! If you''re worried about costs/outcome I think it''d be fine to say something like "thank you so much for your generous offer I just worry it would actually be more expensive since we''d have to factor in servers, tent, chairs, china, bartenders etc, not to mention set up, cleaning, and breakdown. I want you to enjoy our wedding and not have to take on the burden of all this extra work."

 

[RaiKai]

Hm, well, we got engaged via text message on a Saturday while he was being hospitalized in another province. I flew out to meet up with on the Sunday. He was released from hospital a couple days later and we spent a couple days having a mini-vacation. We flew back on the Thursday and my husband started talking about wedding details (including budget) as we were driving the two hours home from the airport (it was so late, and it was a good way to stay awake!). When we decided then and there we wanted a short engagement and to have our wedding within 8-10 weeks we realized we had to get on the ball. We basically figured out all our details on the drive home....and the next day he called our planned venue (destination wedding at a Canadian resort), booked it, and over the next few days we had everything else planned out and in place including our invitations (DIY) out the next week, flights booked, rooms arranged, dress picked out, etc.

I'd say it only took us two weeks to actually plan and put it all into place. We could of gotten married a lot earlier if we wanted but we wanted our guests to be able to make their arrangements to attend! I cannot imagine taking months or years to plan (but that works for some people and their wedding ideas - for example, some venues book up year(s) in advance, etc). We did ours off season so we did not have any issues.

We did pay for it ourselves, and had a very small wedding with only 16 guests attending. We all ate dinner in an a la carte fashion together after in the resort's dining room. Our guests all were there at the resort as well for the entire long weekend and enjoyed themselves immensely. It was perfect, and though we could of thrown a bigger wedding, we did not want one and don't regret not having one! Having a small guest list and doing it in the off-season allowed for a pretty fabulous weekend for everyone and including everything it was well within our budget.

I guess just to say....despite what you may believe if you believed all the wedding planning guides, you can plan something pretty fabulous and memorable in less than a year (and on a small budget) if that is what you want. So you do not need to start rushing it before the engagement, and even then, you can take some time to breathe and not stress out about planning. It really does NOT need to be that stressful!

Don't count on ANY money until you actually have it in hand, only count on what you DO have on hand....and don't "ask" them for money. If they want to provide you some, they will offer. My husband and I would not even have considered asking either sets of our parents for money - but we have both been living independent from them for a LONG time and that would of seemed somewhat...bizarre for us both AND for our parents in respect of who we were as people and what our marriage (and wedding) meant for us. Your family may vary That being said, it also meant the planning was fully within our own control and per our own wishes, without discussing the details with anyone we did not want to.

 

[LadyJane83]

RaiKai- I would probably be inclined to do something like what you did. I''ve been financially independent from my parents for a very long time. My parents have never had alot of money to give me. I definitely struggled through school more than a lot of my peers did, but sometimes think I may be better for it.
I''ve also been out of my parents'' house for 8 or 9 years, and they live in a different state. I don''t have a large family and frankly, I only have a few very good friends that I would want to invite to a wedding.

But, his family is rather large and they all live in the same town (they see each other often and get along well). I think it is important to him and his family to invite as many family members and family friends as possible. Our personal budget, and any limited amount my parents would offer, wouldn''t even come close. I have no problem having a larger wedding if his parents feel like they want to contribute. I''m just worried that either: 1) they offer to pay/host and it turns into "let''s invite 200 people and have a bbq"; or 2) they don''t bring it up, we plan something within our budget, and it''s like "hey what about uncle bob?" lol.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I thought very little about my actual wedding before I got engaged. I just wanted to be married. And the night we got engaged, my fiance explicitly asked if we could just enjoy being engaged for a couple weeks before planning the wedding. I happily agreed. But then I talked to my sisters and mom, and they stressed me out asking in which state I wanted to get married, how many people I would invite, what time of year. Long story short, I broke the promise to my fiance, and within a week of the engagement, we had picked a date and venue. Two weeks after that I had my dress, bridesmaid dresses, caterer, florist and bakery chosen. In my defense, our engagement will only be 7 months total, so it''s not like I had a lot of time to waste to plan the big picture things. Now, I''m starting to focus on the details.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/24/2010 3:34:16 PM
Author: LadyJane83
RaiKai- I would probably be inclined to do something like what you did. I''ve been financially independent from my parents for a very long time. My parents have never had alot of money to give me. I definitely struggled through school more than a lot of my peers did, but sometimes think I may be better for it.

I''ve also been out of my parents'' house for 8 or 9 years, and they live in a different state. I don''t have a large family and frankly, I only have a few very good friends that I would want to invite to a wedding.


But, his family is rather large and they all live in the same town (they see each other often and get along well). I think it is important to him and his family to invite as many family members and family friends as possible. Our personal budget, and any limited amount my parents would offer, wouldn''t even come close. I have no problem having a larger wedding if his parents feel like they want to contribute. I''m just worried that either: 1) they offer to pay/host and it turns into ''let''s invite 200 people and have a bbq''; or 2) they don''t bring it up, we plan something within our budget, and it''s like ''hey what about uncle bob?'' lol.

Well, unless someone IS paying towards your wedding, I would say they don''t have any say on your guest list anyway . If your spouse wants to invite 200 people, and you have 10, then you either make it work within your budget, or you do some cuts to the guest list or other areas to make it work. And while I think it would be rather bad for even someone paying to invite anyone they wanted without consultation with you and your SO, it does happen.

So, if they do offer to pay or host...I would be clear from the START that you have something in mind, talk about it with them. If they are totally off board with your ideas, and there is a conflict you need to decide how comfortable you are going more with their plans, or saying thanks for the offer but no thanks to the money and doing it your way (very respectfully of course). Really, that is up to you. I see lots of posters on here who turned the reins over to whoever was paying the most for the wedding and they are delighted with their choice, others who refused the money and went to City Hall and are delighted with their choice

For the second possibility, I do have some more direct experience there. Obviously, there were a lot of people my husband and I did not invite to our weddings. We both do come from rather large extended families. We made our choices on who we really wanted there, and that was it. No additions at later dates, no switch ups if someone declined, etc. This meant even some very close family members by blood (i.e. our fathers) were NOT invited and some relatives who were more removed (i.e. second cousins) were invited...as we wanted people who had really been there for us in our lives there. Basically, if we did not have a close relationship with them, they did not get an invite (and some of them probably still don''t even know we are married). So, we did sometimes get asked "what about uncle bob" by someone else.....and our response was "we want to keep our wedding small and intimate, and whoever is invited will get an invite, and we will talk to uncle bob directly if we choose to!". And, we actually found this HARDLY happened at all. Most people congratulated us, and wished us well, and encouraged our small-scale wedding plans (many who HAD had much larger weddings before).

And when we talked to an uninvited "uncle bob" directly, we usually found "uncle bob" was just delighted for us and thought we were absolutely having a wedding the way it should be done (you would be amazed at how many people are overjoyed at people having smaller weddings or running off to elope....even when they aren''t invited).

That, or maybe everyone just things we are horrendously selfish and a lost cause.

 

[shertz1981]

I did no planning until the ring was on my finger (took a few weeks to get it from the jeweler, LOL) ... but yeah, as soon as it was on, my mother was off and running. Wind ''er up and away she goes.

FI and I didn''t want a long engagement (12 months max), so it made sense to start figuring stuff out right away. We could have waited, though -- we knew we had to get married in the "off season" due to the 2010 election, and we only had one vendor (hair stylist) who was booked for the date we chose.

 

[LadyJane83]

Thanks for the advice ladies! I think I just need to feel out the situation once we are offically engaged. I tend to drive myself crazy with all the remote contingencies and wanting everything worked out and planned.

 

[MonkeyPants]

We started planning pretty much right after the engagement, however it was several months later until we actually booked anything and got the ball rolling. We had an "official" meeting with me, fi, his parents and my parents a couple months after our engagement. However the meeting was fruitless. My parents kept trying to bring up the subject of who was contributing what, who would be invited, etc. and Fi''s parents pretty much said they didn''t want to contribute anything (we''re both Chinese so usually the groom''s side foots the bill, but we wanted to do a 3 way split. They didn''t even want to contribute 1/3 but still wanted to invite all their relatives

mini vent over...)

Anyway, I agree that the discussion will happen naturally, but if it doesn''t you''ll definitely want to be clear with both sides about expectations in the beginning otherwise there could be some drama later in the planning process.

 

[Lauren8211]

We booked our photog, reception and ceremony venues within 72 hours of getting engaged.

 

[sunnyd]

I''d pretty much done all the research before getting engaged.

(He knew about it.)

 

[katamari]

Date: 3/24/2010 6:06:28 PM
Author: LadyJane83
Thanks for the advice ladies! I think I just need to feel out the situation once we are offically engaged. I tend to drive myself crazy with all the remote contingencies and wanting everything worked out and planned.

This suggests you will be just fine with wedding planning, then.

 

[LadyJane83]

Date: 3/25/2010 7:43:02 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 3/24/2010 6:06:28 PM
Author: LadyJane83
Thanks for the advice ladies! I think I just need to feel out the situation once we are offically engaged. I tend to drive myself crazy with all the remote contingencies and wanting everything worked out and planned.

This suggests you will be just fine with wedding planning, then.

haha yeah, but I will probably drive everyone crazy with my questions in the process

 

[andex23]

LadyJane:

Have you thought about doing a destination wedding? In your first post, your comment is about how you don''t want to spend large amounts of money on a wedding...

That''s one of the primary reasons that we did a DW. Because we didn''t want to spend a lot of money on a wedding "for other people." We''re having a total of 14 guests plus bride and groom, and we''re getting married in Fiji. There are people who pay more for their dresses than we are paying for our whole wedding and honeymoon (2 week vacation). Our wedding is less than half the cost of my E-ring, even after a great PS discount.

And, this DW is all about us. We love to scuba dive. So we''re headed off to Fiji. They have great diving. That''s why we are going. We chose that we''d rather go diving and get married on a vacation rather than paying for Uncle Ernie to choose between the chicken and the fish, make liquor assessable to our underage cousins, and worry about how many of those chocolate almonds are in each baggie at the reception.

And a destination wedding doesn''t have to be far away or on a tropical island either. We''ve realized that the most important thing about our wedding is getting married to each other. I have a $200 dress that I found at the mall. We don''t care about flowers. We don''t care about cake. We don''t care about dinner. We do care about getting married to each other. You don''t say where you live, but destination could easily be the next county over, or the next state, or 2 hours by car. A destination is anywhere that you aren''t right now.

And while we''re paying for the wedding ourselves, but our parents are helping in other ways. Because we''re not having a rehersal dinner or those other formalities, Fi''s family is going to pick up the drink tab on our wedding night (we''re staying at an all inclusive place where you only pay for drinks). My parents are hosting at their home a backyard party for us when we get back (hosting, meaning letting us use the backyard and the house...we''ll pay for catering trays, they may pay for a huge costco run).

Just remember, that weddings don''t have to be expensive and they don''t have to be formal, and they don''t have to have all the hoopla that I think that we let happen.

In so far as planning, I started immediately researching where we wanted to get married (we already had the DW in agreement before we were engaged). I made excel spreadsheets, price searched flights, etc. Until dear FI made a great comment... "why don''t you call a travel agent?" So I did. We had no idea where we wanted to get married (a place with good diving) or even when (if Xmas had good diving in a certain locale, we''d be there at Xmas). I let the travel agent do all the work. I let her come to us with alternatives. And then we chose. And, travel agents are free!! (Finally, something in wedding planning that is free!)

There is never "too early to plan for a wedding" and nothing is ever "wrong." You choose your own wedding destiny. You make your wedding the type of wedding you want it to be. And if you stand your ground and make it about you and your beloved, it will be perfect.

 

[elrohwen]

Hmm ... Well, we already had an idea about venue, so we went to check it out maybe a month or two after engagement? I wanted a year to plan, but we actually got engaged 15.5 months before our wedding date, so I think I took a few months before I started planning.

And after booking our venue and some other things, I definitely took like a 5 month break from wedding planning! I don't think I did anything from December through May at least.

eta: I would also wait to ask the parents about money until after the engagement. If they offer before, that's fine, but I wouldn't personally bring it up yet.

 

[LadyJane83]

Thanks for the replies andex and elhoren!

I have been kicking around the idea of a DW, because we can easily afford it, especially if combined with our honeymoon. The problem is that my SO is very into his extended family, and I just don''t see how we will have the funds for this. His parents have hinted about contributing, but haven''t said anything definite. I think this is why I am sort of stressed out about the wedding even before the official engagement (we''re waiting for the ring to arrive before making it "official").

Now a little rant....

SO expressed concerns a few months ago about not having money for a wedding (again his family is HUGE, so even a modest venue would be super-expensive). I''d be fine with going to city hall, but he would not be. I enjoy and appreciate going to nice weddings, but for me personally, I have a hard time even thinking about spending $5 or $10K on one (I''m either very cheap or very practical lol). Maybe it is selfish, and maybe it is because I do not come from a large family, but I''d rather spend that kind of money on a vacation (or toward a downpayment).

I guess we will just wait to see if his parents approach us about contributing. Otherwise, it will be a DW or small ceremony followed by dinner for 10-20 people, whether Uncle Tom is offended or not!

Would it be manipulative/inappropriate to tell SO''s parents (if approached) that I can only contribute $2 or $3K and if they want to have a party/large wedding they have to contribute the rest? I feel really b*tchy, but I''m really trying to save for a downpayment...

Thanks for letting me rant ladies!

 

[Anonymous]

I''ve been wondering this myself, and have been engaged all of six days! I know we did plan a bit (ok, quite a bit!) before we were officially engaged though. About a month beforehand we started talking about cruises, which turned to "hmm maybe we should do a cruise for our honeymoon" which turned to "ok, but what time of year would we get married"...leading to the "ok we''re getting married on X day (which changed a bit over the next 2-3 days) and definitely in his hometown (which happens to be in NY and we live in CA).

I think that there''s no right or wrong when it comes to talking about it, as long as both of you are enjoying the process. When one of us started to get overwhelmed, we put it on the back burner until that person brought it up again on their own.

As for budget, it is a big deal but one that can wait until it''s time to set the date. At that point, you''ll need to have an idea of how much your wedding will be (approximate, of course) and that means setting a rough estimate for the max guest list, venue, etc. with pricing from the big expense vendors for the reception. Once you know how much you need to have for the wedding, then you can look at how much you can save (hopefully you already have a budget w/a good idea of how much you can save per month)and go from there.

Approaching that topic with as much logic as possible, while taking his feelings into consideration about family hopefully will help whenever you do have the talk. I can relate to that one, though I WANT to be with his family for the event vs having it here where we don''t have family...they''re my family too now and treat me like it, and I love that!

Anyhow, enough rambling from me! Good luck, and can''t wait to hear your proposal announcement!

 

[LadyJane83]

Tammy- let us know how you progress, it does all seem a bit overwhelming . . .

My SO is much, much more laidback than I am. His attitude is always "let''s see how it goes, it will work itself out." I''m much more of a planner and worrier, I tend to always want to take charge and figure things out. We balance each other out pretty well.

 

[Anonymous]

Maybe in the meantime, if you''re REALLY going insane, you can look around at some of the options that you think are on the table and ask them what their price per person is, etc. and write it down for yourself. If he wants to look at it, great, but if not, I wouldn''t push it. Just tell him it''s something you''re doing to keep yourself sane (and to keep from bugging him about it) so when you''re BOTH ready to look at the options together, you''ll have some of the early stages stuff done for each of the options that you''ve already talked about.

I don''t know how much it''s bugging you, so that may be a silly suggestion...but if you''re totally consumed by it (like I''ve been with other things

) it might be something to keep you from feeling like you don''t have ANY idea of what''s to come because you''ll at least have a ball park figure for the different options (at home, at a venue, large wedding, small wedding, etc. etc.)

 

[lulu66]

hello

i got engaged in august & played it cool for a month or two, just enjoying the engagement. then around october of last year, i started trying to decide what we wanted & start planning. well, it''s now april & i feel like i''ve JUST started planning my wedding which is taking place in september of this year

and i agree, once you have the ring the money conversation should come up naturally. if not, once you start deciding on the where''s/when''s you could simply ask them if they were intending to contribute to your wedding!