When to send thank-you cards after the family passing?

[MichelleCarmen]

As I posted before, we had a suicide in the family just under a week ago. Before that, I had planned to have my kids send out thank-you cards for the holiday gifts they received. They have something like 5-7 cards to mail out. I''m just wondering how long I should wait before sending them out. I feel like it''s kind of awkward right now. I''ve talked to others on the phone and it''s been so painful for everyone and I don''t know when to send and begin following the standard holiday ettiquette when nobody has felt the cheer this last week.

Thoughts? Thanks.

 

[Haven]

I believe it is appropriate for them to send out the thank you cards whenever they feel well enough to write them. If you still feel like it is inappropriate at this point, then waiting is just fine. If anyone who would have received one of those thank you notes is of the mindset to think "How rude we haven''t gotten a thank you yet" then they are just moving through their grieving process faster than you, and that''s okay. I believe this is a situation where you certainly cannot be thought of as ill-mannered if it takes a while to get those notes out.

I don''t believe there is anything in the etiquette books addressing this particular situation. (If guidance does exist, I couldn''t find any in my etiquette library.) So that''s just my personal opinion.

MC, I''m so sorry for your loss. You and your family have been in my thoughts.

 

[Kelli]

Oh gosh.... how terrible. I''m sorry to hear that. I wouldn''t even worry about it, and just take all the time you need. I think anyone in their right mind would understand.

 

[somethingshiny]

I don''t think there''s a standard etiquette in play here. If the cards are already written, send them out. I don''t think anyone would be offended by your kids being their normal selves. If the cards haven''t been written, I''d let the kids wait until they feel up to it and send when they''re done. I wouldn''t let the kids skip the cards all together (just my opinion).

 

[luv2sparkle]

I wouldn''t worry about it MC. Anyone who is worried about a thank you note from someone who is grieving has big problems of their own. You get to it when and if you do.
Your family is more important right now. Hugs and prayers.

 

[neatfreak]

I''m a little confused. So your boys wrote them already, correct? Are these going out to people who were directly affected by the loss? Or simply people who know that you had a loss in your family but weren''t directly affected?

If the former, I would wait. If the latter, send em out.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/3/2010 5:15:25 PM
Author: neatfreak
I'm a little confused. So your boys wrote them already, correct? Are these going out to people who were directly affected by the loss? Or simply people who know that you had a loss in your family but weren't directly affected?

If the former, I would wait. If the latter, send em out.

The boys haven't written them yet (sorry for the confusion - guess from my first post, it sounded like they had written them). I had planned to have them write the notes out during last week, but the suicide was early last week when the kids were home for school break and I just didn't feel up to it.

Just to point out, ALL of the people to be receiving cards are directly related to the person who passed away.

That aside, I think I'm going crazy. I made breakfast as usual and turned the element on to what I thought was number 4 on the dial. Came down and it was set at high and my sausages had burned. Then I made new ones on the other element with a different pan and after they were done, turned off the heat, filled the pan with water and came up to eat. I went back down and the range was on and the water was bubbling in the pan (thank god I put water in it). I swear the second time I turned the element off! I feel like I'm being haunted. I feel guilty for being at home and trying to rethink how to live positively in my life rather than how negatively I did in the past. You know, making the most of every minute. I feel terrible about knowing her seeing me attempting to have a good attitude and trying to enjoy life.

 

[luv2sparkle]

MC, this is the time to cut yourself some slack. It is a positive thing, each time you have made it through the day. Sometimes it is a minute by minute thing to get through
the grieving process. It is normal to feel like you are losing it a bit, your brain is on overload right now. It is ok to not do the things you would normally do. Do as much as
you can and let the rest go. Eventually, like will adjust to the new normal and you will feel like yourself again. If you don''t cook as much as you did before, it''s ok. If you don''t
clean as much as you did before it''s ok. It is truly just about getting through it right now. I think you are honoring your SIL by trying to enjoy every minute of your life with your
family. If she could have done that she would have. None of us knows how long we have in this life, but someone''s death makes us re-evaluate our priorities-and that is
a good thing. We all get caught up in the busyness of life and put aside the important for the immediate.

Having been where you are, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that when you are on the other side of this, you won''t regret for a second stuff you didn''t do. Enjoy and
love on your family and let all the other stuff go. They are what is truly important, nothing else is. Not the stuff you have to do, or the stuff others may think of you.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/4/2010 2:26:37 PM
Author: luv2sparkle
MC, this is the time to cut yourself some slack. It is a positive thing, each time you have made it through the day. Sometimes it is a minute by minute thing to get through
the grieving process. It is normal to feel like you are losing it a bit, your brain is on overload right now. It is ok to not do the things you would normally do. Do as much as
you can and let the rest go. Eventually, like will adjust to the new normal and you will feel like yourself again. If you don''t cook as much as you did before, it''s ok. If you don''t
clean as much as you did before it''s ok. It is truly just about getting through it right now. I think you are honoring your SIL by trying to enjoy every minute of your life with your
family. If she could have done that she would have. None of us knows how long we have in this life, but someone''s death makes us re-evaluate our priorities-and that is
a good thing. We all get caught up in the busyness of life and put aside the important for the immediate.

Having been where you are, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that when you are on the other side of this, you won''t regret for a second stuff you didn''t do. Enjoy and
love on your family and let all the other stuff go. They are what is truly important, nothing else is. Not the stuff you have to do, or the stuff others may think of you.

Thanks Luv2sparkle. My kids are at school right now and I''m afraid to "be alone," and feel lonely, if that makes sense. I''ve spent ALL day on PS as a mechanism for escape. It''s helping, but not the best thing to be doing as eventually I''m going to have to again face my emotions. I can''t wait for my kids to be home from school even if they end up arguing over silly stuff like they always do!

I finally talked to a friend and told her what happened and she said sorry and then went on and on about how her holiday sucked (for regular family issues/arguments that always come up)! Sigh. . .

God, I''m realizing more and more how posting here is making me disassociate from this struggle. Is that good or bad?

If I get off and begin packing holiday stuff up, I''m going to become very depressed even though I''ll feel better about clearing off the living room floor of clutter.

Roller coaster.

 

[tlh]

Did the family see your children open the gifts... to at least know they''ve received them? If so, I''d let the kids have some more time to grieve. I do think though that you are setting the example for your children. Life is precious, and it is important that those you love and care about know it. So letting the relatives know how much they are appreciated is always a good thing, and can be a positive distraction.

I''m not a therapist, but I think dwelling in grief is not healthy. I think everyone has their own length of grief depending on how close they were with the person that passed. Even though they lost their aunt, they still had to return to school, and I think that trying to resume normal processes can be healthy. Things that are difficult when depressed, and immediately after a loss happens, we resume.. like bathing, brushing our teeth etc. Then our world around us.

I would have your children approach the thank yous simply from the point of "thank you for thinking of me.".. and not necessarily focusing on "the xbox was awesome!". The children are back to school, and having to resume homework and other life expectations... the thank yous fall in line with that. I think prefacing the thank yous with the fact that a thank you not only acknowledges that you were in receipt of the gift, but also how nice it is that they were thought of - and maybe letting the family members (who are in direct relation to the departed) how important they are to your kids... might also help the recipients with their own grief.

I''m so sorry you have to deal with this, MC.

 

[luv2sparkle]

MC-while your kids are gone-scream, cry, stomp your feet, be mad, be hurt and try to let as much out as you can. Keeping it all inside, doesn''t make it any easier in the
long run. I HATE to cry, and I don''t feel better afterwards, but sometimes you just have to give in to it. It will get a little easier as time goes on a bit. But it is not like you
ever forget or stopping wishing that person didn''t make the choice they did. It is maddening because they chose it, and you wonder if they thought about how it would
affect those they left behind to deal.

But trying to ''act'' normal is okay too. What is the other choice, sitting around and crying all day? That would just make life harder for your family. Sinking into the pit of
despair never made anything better. You have had a lot to deal with in the last few months, it is so normal to have a hard time feeling happy or positive, or just having
anything feel worthwhile.

I have also found that most people don''t know how to deal with someone who is grieving or going through stuff that is hard. We all want to believe that nothing like this
will ever happen to us, and when it happens to someone we know it makes it that much harder to deceive ourselves. For instance, when my son was brain injured and in a
coma, only one friend stuck around. It was hard on my other son, because they shared their friends, so number 3 child lost all his friends too. Most of our families weren''t
really there for us either. I learned a lot about how to care for people in pain during those days because I knew what meant a lot to us. When you have walked through
this difficult time you will too, and it will make you a better friend and more compassionate as well.

That''s just my 2 cents, for whatever it is worth. I wish I could give you a hug. It will get easier. Just hang on as best you can and give yourself permission to not do or be
the same for a while.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I just went and read your other thread and I''m so sorry you have had to go through this. I wish peace and love for your family in this coming year.

As for the thank you cards I would send them out on time as planned. However weird you may feel right now, normal life is still a good thing even if it is running in the background. When my mom died I felt just like you described when you said it was like watching people through a window. i''ve never seen it described so well like that. When she died I found most comfort in the weirdly mundane things, so getting thank you cards from your kids may not put the same smile on their faces it would have, but it may be a comforting norm anyway.