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When to give the baby gift...also known as whoops.

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FacetFire

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Hi, everyone! I have a situation with a close friend and I''m not quite sure what to do in a couple areas. My first question is...when do you give a friend a baby gift? When you find out they are pregnant, or when they have the baby, or sometime in between? My first close friend just got pregnant and let me know yesterday. Normally, I''d rush out and get her a gift and a congratulations card. But, she''s not married yet...she and her FI had a wedding planned for this upcoming October. Now they have to push the wedding forward to this spring. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she''s not exactly excited about her pregnancy, in fact, she''s kinda down in the dumps, which I understand. They wanted to have kids someday, but not for another few years. But, since they have been together for a number of years and are already engaged, they are going to have the baby.

As you can imagine, this means that she has to totally redo her wedding plans. They need to find a new site, and a local one this time since there isn''t much time. Her dress comes in this Feb, and she''s worried it might be too small for her by the time of the wedding, which makes her really sad because she loves her dress. She''s trying to figure out what to do for us BMs, now that she''s not sure the dresses she wanted can come in time. Basically, she''s just bummed, and has a lot to do now. On the up side, her parents are excited about the baby, and her FI is doing his best to get her excited too. She isn''t the kind of person who really gets super excited over anything, but I wish her wedding could be a more exciting thing for her.

So, it seems weird to buy her a baby gift before a wedding gift...so should I wait till after the wedding? That''s what I was leaning towards doing. I don''t think they have a wedding registry yet, because their wedding wasn''t supposed to happen till October. And the other question: is there anything you would do to try and make things more exciting and happy for your friend? I want to do something to make things easier, and more exciting for her, but she lives across the country from me, so it''s hard for me to help with planning...though I offered to help if she needed me for anything. I don''t know her MOH or half of the BMs, either. Any ideas? I know a wedding is a one time thing, and I want hers to be special. I just wish I could help her out right now. What can I do to cheer her up?

Thanks for listening to that long story. Any ideas would be much appreciated!
 

NYCsparkle

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I would buy her a little something--it may get her excited about the baby. I''d also act really excited about her upcoming wedding, she may feel like her wedding is not going to be as planned or get overshadowed because of the baby. Plus she''s prob emotional being pregnant and all.
 

eks6426

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I would get her a little "me" gift. Like a spa gift certificate or something like that with a nice note about how happy you are to be part of life and how much you value her friendship etc. I''d save the real baby gift for closer to the due date.
 

KimberlyH

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I would get her a little something special, perhaps a book about pregnancy (my sister loved the book Jenny McCarthy wrote, said it was hysterical, so that might be an option for lifting her sprits or the tried and true, What to Expect When You Are Expecting) or a beautiful blanket perhaps, or just take her out for a mani/pedi and lunch as a mini-celebration to help her change her mindset a bit.
 

sistagrl2004

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I think a small "me gift" ...maybe a girls day at the spa is a good gift to get anyone feeling better.. then of course something else for the baby later on. I actually think the focus should be on the wedding at this point so she can have two SEPARATE special occaisions. Truth be told due to procrastination I planned EVERYTHING last minute (yes, two months of planning) and everyone thought my wedding was beautiful.
 

dmamsquared

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Ditto to what Island Dreams stated. Our bride went out in one night and bought a beautiful gown off the rack. She and her mother have a total of six weeks. She always dreamed of having a big fairytale wedding. Dad said no big wedding with a big belly. You''d be amazed at what can be accomplished in a short ammount of time! I am sure that the MOH and BM dresses will be purchased off the rack. Mom also hired a wedding planner to help handle alot of the details.
Our bride is overwhelmed as well, and she too is a distance from us. But her family and friends have rallied and we''re very excited for her. That kind of aura is what your friend needs, and it sounds like she has that. She needs to hear that she can have both a beautiful wedding and a beautiful baby. Remind her of 1) How glowing she will be in her pictures. 2) A good seamstress can work miracles. 3) She and her man have created the biggest miracle of them all. It doesn''t get any better than that!
 

Independent Gal

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Definitely save the baby gift for when the baby arrives and concentrate on making HER feel better. If she''s not yet excited about having a child, then giving her little booties is more likely to depress her than anything else, I''d think. So, I second the spa idea. Also, the pregnancy book idea. Particularly, is there anything anywhere (website? books?) about being preggers at your wedding? Maybe knowing she''s not alone would help... particularly if the site or book is funny.

My guess is she''ll get more excited as the dates (wedding, baby) approach.

Keep reinforcing that you''ll be there to support her!
 

dmamsquared

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There is a web site for runaway brides called . There is blog called It may be have a religious connection, Catholic, possibly. I can''t comment further because I could not access. In this vast information highway it''s hard to fathom that someone has yet to devote a site to this phenomenon.
BTW, No hot stone massages for the pregnant lady, please. Most other forms of massage are safe.
I just thought of something. There won''t be time to throw a bridal shower for our bride/mommy-to-be. We''ll make it up to her at the wedding.
 

dtnyc

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theregoesthebride.com is for women who have called off their weddings - probably not where she needs to go.

You might want to get her a gift certificate for a pre-natal massage- not all spa treatments are healthy/safe for pregnant women.

Also I have heard great things about the Girlfriend''s Guide to Pregnancy.
 

stretch4

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Definitely get her a little something to uplift her spirits. Leave the baby gift for the baby shower and the birth.
 

FireGoddess

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I would definitely get her something. I actually got her (my best friend) small gifts throughout her pregnancy. It was her first one and I wanted to celebrate that. They were mostly cute little baby things, just stuff that was useful but also let her know I was excited for her. I got her a big gift (car seat) for the baby shower I threw for her.
 

FacetFire

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Thanks for all the ideas, everyone! I think I am going to wait on any gift that is baby-oriented. She just doesn''t seem ready for that. I think we need to focus on the wedding/her for now. I don''t have much money to spend on a gift right now, but she told me a couple months ago that she doesn''t have a digital camera, and I got a new one for Christmas, so I told her after Christmas that I''d try to find all the camera components for my old camera and send it to her. It''s still in really good condition, and I know she was looking forward to me sending it...so I buckled down this morning and searched the entire house for that dang USB cable for the camera...and I found it! So I just sent her a little package with the camera. I think that should be fun for her since she''ll have lots of things coming up to take pictures of...and not much room in her budget to buy a new camera. I hope it cheers her up a little.

For when I do get her a baby gift, what do you guys recommend? For those of you who have children, what were your favorite gifts to get?
 

ImpatientOne

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Date: 1/30/2007 10:59:52 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
I would buy her a little something--it may get her excited about the baby. I'd also act really excited about her upcoming wedding, she may feel like her wedding is not going to be as planned or get overshadowed because of the baby. Plus she's prob emotional being pregnant and all.
I completely agree! And, btw, Facet, you're an awesome friend - she's lucky to have you in her corner!
 

fatafelice

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FF - You are so sweet! That camera care package was a fantastic idea! To go along with everyone else, I have a preggers friend who recently treated herself to a pre-natal massage and she said it was divine and made her feel so much better. That would be a wonderful gift. If it is pricey, perhaps you could get some other girlfriends to go in on it with you.

I think that otherwise, the best gift you could give her is help with the wedding, as she will doubtless be tired and stressed. Could you volunteer to help out with addressing envelopes, assembling favors, etc? I know it would be hard while working on your own wedding, but I am sure she would appreciate it.

On a side note, I had a nightmare a while back about finding out I was pregnant and due right after the wedding! May have been triggered by that thread we had going here recently, but scary nonetheless!
 

swingirl

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Save the baby gift for when the baby arrives. Not all pregnancies go to full term. Plus I'm sure she really doesn't want to start storing baby supplies around the house yet. It's too much of a reminder that things are following a different path than she was planning for.

Help her stay upbeat with the wedding plans. Once that is out of the way there'll be enough time to get into "baby mode" but she needs to enjoy the "wedding mode" first. You have not idea how many pregnant brides walked down the isle in the past. It seemed like in the 60's the human gestation period was 6 months! Everyone had "early" babies that weighed 7-8 lbs. I'll all works out.
 

Miranda

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Date: 1/30/2007 2:48:55 PM
Author: FacetFire
Thanks for all the ideas, everyone! I think I am going to wait on any gift that is baby-oriented. She just doesn''t seem ready for that. I think we need to focus on the wedding/her for now. I don''t have much money to spend on a gift right now, but she told me a couple months ago that she doesn''t have a digital camera, and I got a new one for Christmas, so I told her after Christmas that I''d try to find all the camera components for my old camera and send it to her. It''s still in really good condition, and I know she was looking forward to me sending it...so I buckled down this morning and searched the entire house for that dang USB cable for the camera...and I found it! So I just sent her a little package with the camera. I think that should be fun for her since she''ll have lots of things coming up to take pictures of...and not much room in her budget to buy a new camera. I hope it cheers her up a little.

For when I do get her a baby gift, what do you guys recommend? For those of you who have children, what were your favorite gifts to get?
With the boys I loved all of the practical stuff. With the girl...GIRL CLOTHES!!!!! Toile in particular. I had a crazy craving for toile while I was expecting. Oh, and coming from someone who had a similar "surprise" I think a baby/pregnancy book would be a great idea for her when she''s a little more ready. I think someone mentioned Jenny McCarthy''s book, I haven''t read it, but, it sounds cute. I did have The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy...It was cute.
 

galeteia

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May 9, 2006
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Oh dear! Your poor friend!


I''m already upset enough over immigration hijacking my wedding, I can only imagine the distress of having a baby doing the hijacking. I don''t really have any constructive suggestions to add but I do really feel for your friend. I am sure people would consider it ''low'' of me, but if I was in her shoes I''d probably feel like my pregnancy ''stole'' my wedding from me, not to mention the experience of being a ''newlywed''. Obviously things happen, but it''s rough that everything has to be scrapped and overhauled for the sake of the baby. From dream wedding to shotgun wedding- Oof!

Not to mention that she is missing out on fully experiencing both the ''bride'' stage and the ''impending mommyhood'' stage. She''s got to mash them together, like those poor folk who have birthdays on Christmas!

I have a friend who got pregnant (with her second child) 3 months before her wedding, but that''s because they deliberately planned it that way. They''d already been together for years and wanted to get started on a family immediately. At only 3 months, she didn''t have to worry about ''showing'' through her wedding dress.

I agree that getting her excited about her wedding is probably the best thing for her.
 
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