When someone you love could use therapy ...

[kenny]

I think my SO needs therapy.
Is this wrong of me?

Without going into personal details I'll just say I benefited enormously from it and am quite quite QUITE certain he would too.
He is averse to it.

Stalemate? Dead end?
Do I let it go, never bring it up, mind my own business, accept or leave him, only work on myself . . .?
It is hard to sit by and watch him suffer so much.
Plus at times his depression pulls me down.

There is a topic, forbidden here, that starts with the letter R.
People into it, hopefully, strike a balance between spreading (what they see as) the good news and respecting other's right to not be forced into it.
Is therapy like that?

I think not.
One is about beliefs but I see the other as more like medicine.
If I had a broken leg I'd see a physical doctor.
If I had a broken mind why not see a "mind doctor"?
Then again, perhaps it is arrogant for me to assume what was right for me is right for others.
I'm torn.

What do you do when you feel someone you love could benefit from therapy?

 

[princesss]

It's tough when somebody you love is hurting and you feel like you know something that could help. But at the end of the day, he has every right not to go, and not to have you pester him about it. He has decided that for now, the pain of living with his mind/emotions the way they are is less than the pain of changing. That's his right. You're not living in his skin.

You also have a right to not be with him if his depression is bringing you down. But if you're not willing to leave and he's not willing to go to therapy, I think you'll just have to keep your mouth shut on this one. Sorry.

 

[ForteKitty]

I believe that therapy will only benefit people who want to be helped. If you force them, they will withdrawl and become defensive, and possibly lash out at you. (NOT talking about addiction, of course. I believe in interventions.)

I've been trying to get my best friend to see a therapist for years regarding a very sensitive issue. She has not seen one yet, and there is a lot of displaced anger which stemmed from that one incident. She asked why she can't just talk to me (i studied it, but i do not practice), and i replied that i'm strongly biased and am still quite angry regarding what happened, which makes me a very bad therapist.

She is now warming up to the idea, but it's taken about 5 years.

eta: many cultures have stigmas against seeing therapists. it's seen as a sign of weakness or being "broken".

 

[Lady_Disdain]

No, it is not wrong of you to think this. However, I do think it is wrong to pressure him or nag him about it.

In my family, we have an unspoken rule that you can always bring something up and give unsolicited advice one. So, my aunt can sit me down and tell me that she thinks it would be better for me to, say, get married for reasons A, B and C and, if I want to discuss more about this, she is there for me. It is not about harangueing, nagging or random criticism but real concern. I can thank her and go my way, I can tell her why I don't want to get married, I can think about it and call her later. However, she will not raise the subject again with me.

In your case, I think you should put your case on why therapy or other treatment might benefit him, why you think his objections aren't valid and other alternatives. Sit him down, tell him it is the only time you are going to bring this up and lay down all your cards. Then, it is up to him. Specially with therapy, it is important that the decision comes from him, from an honest desire to change/improve, and not because of your pressure.

He might not want to face what troubles him or he might not think therapy is a good solution and, in the end, it is his point of view. You can only support and help him, even though it is painful to watch him not do something you think could help or solve his problem. Or you can reach your limit and decide that, painful as it is, you can't keep this up and his depression outweights his positives.

 

[House Cat]

When your SO would benefit greatly from therapy, I see no problem with gently asking them to go. If they don't go or refuse to go, then you have a big problem. The problem is so big, in fact, that you need therapy yourself.

That is my belief.

 

[Autumnovember]

I think my SO needs therapy too. It's a touchy subject for most people, I assume. I have brought it up to SO before but as gently as possible. I explained my thoughts and my reasoning to him and he actually ended up agreeing with me at the end of the conversation. I have not brought it up since then and I've left it up to him to act on it.

 

[HappyNewLife]

would he be willing to go WITH you? My lovely FW and I have gone to therapy a few times now and it has helped our relationship tremendously. I also go solo and feel about 1,00000x more empowered and healthier after each session. Maybe he would be more willing to go if you gently asked him to come with you. There is definitely a misconception out there that seeking therapy means you're crazy or abnormal, but hell, it has made me a MUCH MUCH healthier, stronger, more SANE person than I was prior to working on myself in that way.

Good luck Kenny, I hope he's willing to help himself.

 

[dragonfly411]

Kenny - I'm somewhat in your situation. Although I also think *I* could use some therapy, I can't afford it. I do believe SO should talk to someone. I feel like he has really balled up a lot of things in relation to his dad dying, and I think it has led to a lot of what is going on with us and with him now. He has really pulled away from people in some ways. That being said, I know he'd never be open to the idea, and he'd never go. I have left it alone. I do try to get him to talk to me now and again about his dad, just to see if he can open up some, and get some of it off of his chest.

I think it depends on the person and how open they are though.

 

[yennyfire]

I believe that therapy will only benefit people who want to be helped. If you force them, they will withdrawl and become defensive, and possibly lash out at you. (NOT talking about addiction, of course. I believe in interventions.)

I've been trying to get my best friend to see a therapist for years regarding a very sensitive issue. She has not seen one yet, and there is a lot of displaced anger which stemmed from that one incident. She asked why she can't just talk to me (i studied it, but i do not practice), and i replied that i'm strongly biased and am still quite angry regarding what happened, which makes me a very bad therapist.

She is now warming up to the idea, but it's taken about 5 years.

eta: many cultures have stigmas against seeing therapists. it's seen as a sign of weakness or being "broken".

Very well said ForteKitty. You just can't force someone to talk about something they either don't recognize as an issue or aren't ready to talk about. You can try, but it will only blow up in your face.

All you can do is be there for them, make sure that they know you think that they'd benefit from speaking with someone and be supportive.

I'm sorry Kenny. I almost think it's harder being on your end of things...when you love someone, you want them to be healthy and happy and when you see something getting in the way of that happiness and you can't "fix" it, that's really hard. My heart goes out to you...

 

[movie zombie]

When your SO would benefit greatly from therapy, I see no problem with gently asking them to go. If they don't go or refuse to go, then you have a big problem. The problem is so big, in fact, that you need therapy yourself.

That is my belief.

pretty much agree with this. perhaps if you ask tell him how his depression effects you and how you hate seeing him suffer, he'll think about it. let him know that if he doesn't go, you may need to go in order to deal with how it effects you. and perhaps even going together.....more of an intervention to get him to understand that he is depressed in the first place?

MoZo
ps good luck with this kenny.

 

[soocool]

You know the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Unless your SO feels he needs or could benefit from therapy you can't make him change his mind. He can go through the motions and go with you or alone, but if he isn't on board with it do you think he will benefit?

 

[risingsun]

When your SO would benefit greatly from therapy, I see no problem with gently asking them to go. If they don't go or refuse to go, then you have a big problem. The problem is so big, in fact, that you need therapy yourself.

That is my belief.

pretty much agree with this. perhaps if you ask tell him how his depression effects you and how you hate seeing him suffer, he'll think about it. let him know that if he doesn't go, you may need to go in order to deal with how it effects you. and perhaps even going together.....more of an intervention to get him to understand that he is depressed in the first place?

MoZo
ps good luck with this kenny.

I agree with MoZo. You can discuss this in terms of how it affects you and how it hurts you to see him hurting. If he remains unwilling, you can let him know that you will be there to discuss it with him, if he wishes, if he changes his mind. Since this is affecting you, I would suggest that you see a therapist yourself. I have been a therapist for over 20 years. In my experience, people who are forced or urged into therapy by ultimatums, do not do well. They need to make a commitment to do the work out of their own need. Yes, you may gently suggest it, but that's about it. Unless you feel as if you can't continue to live with him, then you have to tell him and mean it. He still has the choice not to go. If he does go, it does not mean he will change. Without self-motivation, substantive change is not likely to occur. I hope that you are able to move beyond this stalemate.