When someone drives you nuts. How do you make peace with it?

D2B · Jan 15, 2010

I was going to reply yesterday, but I broke our keyboard (

), so sorry for the late reply.

I just wanted to add make sure you are your daughters vocal advocate in front of your mil when she comes out with comments like that. let your daughter hear you say " that is not appropriate and not true, she is a delightful (insert appropariate opposite comment) girl, and I would ask you not to speak so rudely to her. She needs you to demonstrate assertive behaviour so that she knows you dont condone the comments, and show her how to deal with such horrible behaviour in the future (from mil or others when she grows us)

Clearly this is not on, your mil needs you and your husband to firmly put her in place, tell her such comments are not on, and that outsiders (the teacher) have commented on her inappropriate behaviour. (Which shows how truly horrible she must be, an objective person telling you this is a huge warning flag not to be ingnored) I would have her spend alone time with my child over my dead body. the damage that can be done to fragile developing ego''s at this age are huge. She must have serious issues. EVRYTIME she steps out of line you must publicly and instantly pull her up eg such comments are not true nor appropriate, please do not speak like that to our daughter.

And as Whitby suggested lots of positve reinforcemnt, tell her she is beautifu, smart, special, etc etc a million times a day, kiss her and cuddle her and show her your love. I would also find some age appropariate books about feelings, and bullies and read them to her and get some discussion going around that to help her understand grandma and others like that, have issues and it is not her fault or the truth.

good luck, what a horrible situation to be in.

oddoneout · Jan 15, 2010

Date: 1/14/2010 4:39:25 PM
Author: whitby_2773
hi innerkitten

here''s my thinking...

grandma is a bully. not really mentally ill, but just a good, old fashioned bully. picking on little kids definitely falls into this category. the good news is that bullies always fold when pushed. so my FIRST port of call would be the dishes.

establish some dominance here - ''you eat, you clean.'' be a whole lot less flexible and raise your expectations of this one very lazy guest. ask her flat out after the meal to help and give her an assigned task. if she tries to treat your request as tho you dont really mean it - say - ''i mean it.'' then stand and wait. be polite, keep a smile on your face, but be unequivocal. my husband and i entertain a LOT, and it appalls me how, over the years, i''ve seen the offers to help just evaporate, as tho there is some housework fairy who will come in and clean up after i''ve shelled out hard dollars then spent hours prepping. so for some years now i have asked specific people to assist me in the kitchen when i''m done. i tend to pick men who i know dont lift a finger in their own homes. they generally try to laugh it off too, but i make a point of coming and getting them and MAKING them help. i''m their hostess, not their maid.

so make the point with MIL - she is a GUEST, not a CUSTOMER, and has to do her fair share. if you dont look like master in your own house, you wont convince her you''re master of your own child either - and that includes protecting tabetha from bullies like grandma.

secondly, ask tabetha if grandma has ever hit her, pushed her, slapped her, pinched her, or touched her in a way tabetha disliked. make sure tabetha knows it is absolutely OK TO TELL YOU. (if the answer to any of these questions is ''yes'', i''m sure you can work out how to proceed from there)

thirdly, play some question games with tabetha. like - ''who''s the best 4 yr old with blond pigtails and a cute as a button nose in the entire universe?....that''s right! it''s YOU! ''and who does mommy love more than anyone in the whole world? right again! YOU! what a smart girl you are!'' do this a lot; kids learn what they''re taught, so teach her that you value her above all things. a very good friend of mine is divorced and has a daughter, now 8, who was 4 at the time of his separation. he has primary custody (which should tell you all you need to know about the mother.) i have been playing these question games with her ever since their separation, and it has helped her self esteem no end. i asked her to do a drawing for me a few months ago of her and i, and she drew a picture of herself with a big grin on her face, sliding down a rainbow. i said ''but ''E'' - where am i?'' she said ''kaaaareeeeeyn (like - ''you big silly, this is obvious!'' kind of tone) - you''re the *rainbow*!'' and i figure that''s a good place to be in a child''s life.

lastly, i''m not sure why your husband feels he needs to be present to ''witness'' any kind of abuse. seems to me you have more than enough proof that this is not a healthy relationship. i would *strongly* urge you to find alternative childcare. bullies will bully instinctively when monitoring eyes aren''t on them, and the fact that tabetha is taking on so much of what grandma tells her means tabetha is in no way old enough to filter out grandma''s lies and criticisms.

so to recap - no more grandma baby sitting. no more grandma as a free passenger. no more waiting for hubby to be convinced there''s a problem that needs to be addressed (as opposed to just agreeing there''s a problem). no more tabetha standing between you and grandma; you need to stand between grandma and tabetha.

and i wouldnt be too concerned about losing grandma permanently; i suspect she needs somewhere to ''be'', and the identity she gets as mother/MIL and grandma will continue to bring her back to your home, even if she initially flounces off.

in essence - change the dynamic.

good luck!