When someone drives you nuts. How do you make peace with it?

[innerkitten]

My mother in law really bugs me and we''re around each other a lot. I spend too much time feeling upset about her these days, especially with the way she treats my daughter. The first issue is probably pretty minor . She eats here a lot on the weekends but has never helped clean up after, or had us over for dinner. I like that our home is always open to her but I wish there was more of a little more give from her side sometimes.
The other thing is that she''s not very good with our daughter. She doesn''t like to babysit ( okay whatever, I''ve stopped asking ) but the few times she has looked after my her or when she''s hanging out with her she say''s really negative things about Tabetha ( my daughters name). I first noticed when my daughter would come home after spending time with my MIL. She''d say things like " I''m a bad guy" I''m really naughty, the baddest kid in the whole world". And when she brings Tabetha back she complains about how bad Tabetha was and how embarrassed she felt being with Tabetha if Tabetha acted out in public. At first I thought I might be over reacting. But my father brought it up last time he was here because he noticed it too. Then my MIL picked her up from pre school the other afternoon and the next day the teacher came to me and said" I need to talk to you about the woman that picked Tabetha up the other day, I didn''t like the way she was treating Tabetha ". Won''t go into anymore detail about the conversation but it did confirm what I''ve been feeling.

Days before my husband and I were married she begged him not to do it. She made it into a joke but still it was kind of weird. And when my daughter was a crying newborn she always said things like " just let her cry" and " too bad she looks like a boy". My husband once said that she didn''t like any woman involved with her three sons. Maybe she feels that way about our daughter? Anyway I''ve already stopped leaving Tabetha with her when I need help I just ask my own mother who''s really good with her.

If you''re wondering my daughter turned four about a week ago.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

As crazy as it sounds, some women are just not good with children and should never be around them. I know it makes no sense because she dotes after her sons, but remember that they''re older now and her memory of their childhood might be skewed because clearly she''s messed in the head. I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this. If I were in your position I''d bring it up with her. I know that''s awkward because she''s your MIL, but the way she''s treating your daughter, HER GRANDDAUGHTER is unacceptable and it needs to be brought to her attention as soon as possible. You have every right to be angry with her. In my opinion, treat me however you want to, but mistreat my kid and watch out! How does your husband feel about this? My biggest concern is related to the teacher''s comment. I''m concerned that if her bad treatment of T is so bad that a teacher would pick up on it, you might not be getting the full story and she''s either actively physically abusing T (with punishments, etc) or close to it. She''s certainly emotionally/verbally abusing her right now.

I wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Okay here. There is a tremendous difference between someone who is driving you nuts and someone who is toxic. Your MIL is the latter. She's, what I'd consider, mentally abusive to your daughter. Talking that way to a child? You're perpettuating this by letting her do such activities like picking Tabetha up from pre-school and giving her one-on-one with her. You should be laying down the law and if you don't want to confront her, then take the next best step and reduce contact with her. You need to protect your child. That is YOUR job and if you're MIL is telling your daughter such nasty things, you need to slam the door in her face. If you can't do that, at the very least, you should make sure all interaction between them is supervised.

 

[somethingshiny]

As far as the cleaning up after dinner, there's probably not much you can do about it. Sure, you could ASK her to help, but she probably wouldn't and you don't want to HAVE to ask, you want her to KNOW and OFFER.

She's treating your daughter inappropriately. There's no excuse. I wouldn't get rid of Grandma but I'd definitely do SUPERVISED visiting.

You may get some advice from your daughters preschool teachers too. I'm sure this isn't the first time they've seen behavior like this.


Reaffirm that your daughter is a GOOD girl! Maybe try scenarios with her dolls like, "I know sometimes your dolly doesn't behave perfectly, but that's okay. We all make mistakes and our family always loves us! They'd never be ashamed of us." I can't believe Grandma is putting this stuff in her head!

This really sucks for your entire family and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

As far as the actual question "how do you make peace with it?" I think you can only make peace when you first protect your daughter. Set boundaries. Then make your position known. Grandma may not like it but at least you'll know that you've done what's right and that should help you to be at peace with it.


eta~ If a few supervised visits don't go well, I'd tell Grandma to take a hike.

btw- IS there a chance that Grandma needs a little help?? IYKWIM

 

[Kaleigh]

She sounds very toxic and passive aggressive. I would really limit the time she has with your DD. If she is around her, and she''s negative, you need to call her on it. PLain and simple, don''t put up with her bad behaviour.

 

[innerkitten]

Yeah I think you may be right that she just isn''t good with kids and doesn''t know how to act. I no longer have her watch Tabehta except once a month when I don''t have anyone else to do it. If I can find a way to change that I will. Otherwise she''s never alone with her anymore ( we are always there). I will have to say something which is very hard. Hard because my husband doesn''t like it when I make his mother feel bad and she probably will, and also because she isn''t very good at talking about things n general.


if your wondering what my husband thinks, he doesn''t know what to do but knows that a kid shouldn''t be talked to like this. He isn''t good at talking about anything emotional or serious and is really sensitive when it comes to his mother.

 

[MissMina]

It''s possible that your MIL just doesn''t like females of any age.
My own mother is like that. She was verbally abusive to me growing up and to my niece. All the males she dotes on.
As a child I spent as much time as possible with my grandmother and aunt who
were very nurturing. In turn my niece spent a lot of time at my house.
Now my niece has two young daughters and guess what. Mom has nothing good to say about either of them. I could give many examples.
It''s a serious situation. I would not give MIL one on one time with her and negate any rude remarks she might make in your presence. Your DH needs to be on board too.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:03:25 PM
Author:innerkitten

The other thing is that she''s not very good with our daughter. She doesn''t like to babysit ( okay whatever, I''ve stopped asking ) but the few times she has looked after my her or when she''s hanging out with her she say''s really negative things about Tabetha ( my daughters name). I first noticed when my daughter would come home after spending time with my MIL. She''d say things like '' I''m a bad guy'' I''m really naughty, the baddest kid in the whole world''. And when she brings Tabetha back she complains about how bad Tabetha was and how embarrassed she felt being with Tabetha if Tabetha acted out in public. At first I thought I might be over reacting. But my father brought it up last time he was here because he noticed it too. Then my MIL picked her up from pre school the other afternoon and the next day the teacher came to me and said'' I need to talk to you about the woman that picked Tabetha up the other day, I didn''t like the way she was treating Tabetha ''. Won''t go into anymore detail about the conversation but it did confirm what I''ve been feeling.

innerkitten,

Maybe I''m just overly emotional but this gave me a lump in my throat.

What an awful thing to say to a child

 

[innerkitten]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:38:03 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 1/14/2010 2:03:25 PM

Author:innerkitten


The other thing is that she''s not very good with our daughter. She doesn''t like to babysit ( okay whatever, I''ve stopped asking ) but the few times she has looked after my her or when she''s hanging out with her she say''s really negative things about Tabetha ( my daughters name). I first noticed when my daughter would come home after spending time with my MIL. She''d say things like '' I''m a bad guy'' I''m really naughty, the baddest kid in the whole world''. And when she brings Tabetha back she complains about how bad Tabetha was and how embarrassed she felt being with Tabetha if Tabetha acted out in public. At first I thought I might be over reacting. But my father brought it up last time he was here because he noticed it too. Then my MIL picked her up from pre school the other afternoon and the next day the teacher came to me and said'' I need to talk to you about the woman that picked Tabetha up the other day, I didn''t like the way she was treating Tabetha ''. Won''t go into anymore detail about the conversation but it did confirm what I''ve been feeling.

innerkitten,


Maybe I''m just overly emotional but this gave me a lump in my throat.


What an awful thing to say to a child

I also get very emotional about anything involving children too and not just my own.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:03:25 PM
Author:innerkitten
Then my MIL picked her up from pre school the other afternoon and the next day the teacher came to me and said' I need to talk to you about the woman that picked Tabetha up the other day, I didn't like the way she was treating Tabetha '.

I'm sorry, but this alone would make me never, EVER again leave my daughter alone with her, not even once a month. Whatever happened, it must have been pretty serious for the teacher to say that to you. If I were you I'd be making other arrangements right now (pay a babysitter, daycare, whatever). Ditto MC that it sounds like she is being mentally abusive to your daughter - please, please don't let her be subjected to that any more, because I can assure you it will harm her. Supervised visits should be ok as your MIL is probably unlikely to try anything while you're watching her.

As regards the cleaning up - next time she's round, just ask her to help. Something like, "Would you mind helping me put the dishes away?" It's time to start setting some boundaries in your home.

Good luck - she sounds like a bit of a nightmare

ETA: sorry, just reread what I wrote and it sounds like I'm criticising you. I'm not - it sounds like you're a great parent. It's just I've seen the damage that can be done by a toxic caregiver and would hate to see anyone's child put at risk of that.

 

[innerkitten]

I might be able to get my mother to do Thursday once a month. We''ll see what she say''s.

Thanks for the answers and advice ladies. I will work on the situation. I just spoke to my husband actually after I wrote this and he said okay if we hear her say something to Tabetha when we''re all together I''ll say something to her about it. And I ( not my husband) will talk with her.

 

[LilyKat]

I forgot to say - completely off topic, but Tabetha is such a pretty name!

 

[Porridge]

For your daughter:

Never leave her alone with this woman. You don't have to cut out grandmonster completely, but make your daughter aware that what she says is not necessarily true. It's a good life lesson to learn anyway. Be specific, do it immediately after insults/berating.

For you:

1) Realise that she's never going to change. Then:
2) Pity her. She's not right in the head.
3) Cut down the amount of time you spend with her.

Daddy needs to put his little girl first, not his wacked out mommy.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/14/2010 3:01:07 PM
Author: Porridge
For your daughter:

Never leave her alone with this woman. You don''t have to cut out grandmonster completely, but make your daughter aware that what she says is not necessarily true. It''s a good life lesson to learn anyway. Be specific, do it immediately after insults/berating.

For you:

1) Realise that she''s never going to change. Then:
2) Pity her. She''s not right in the head.
3) Cut down the amount of time you spend with her.

Daddy needs to put his little girl first, not his wacked out mommy.

Ditto all of this, especially the bolded. Your MIL''s behavior towards your daughter is completely abusive and your husband shouldn''t worry one bit about his mother''s feelings in this situation.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

The dishes, pointedly ask her to help, not a big deal.

Berating your child, her grandchild. So not ok I don't know where to start.

I would say no more one-on-one time. Do whatever you have to do to make sure that doesn't happen, tell MIL why no more one-on-one time, and set boundaries if she wants to spend time with your daughter (supervised). I would have you and your DH take to her together, if you just talk to her she'll think that she can run to your DH and he'll support her not you. You and your DH need to present a united front IMO.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 1/14/2010 3:01:07 PM
Author: Porridge

Daddy needs to put his little girl first, not his wacked out mommy.

This.

If your husband is not on the same page as you, that is a real problem.
I going to assume he is intimidated by her--probably raised that way. But he''s got his own family to worry about now. I''d have a talk with him.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 1/14/2010 3:05:05 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 1/14/2010 3:01:07 PM
Author: Porridge
For your daughter:

Never leave her alone with this woman. You don't have to cut out grandmonster completely, but make your daughter aware that what she says is not necessarily true. It's a good life lesson to learn anyway. Be specific, do it immediately after insults/berating.

For you:

1) Realise that she's never going to change. Then:
2) Pity her. She's not right in the head.
3) Cut down the amount of time you spend with her.

Daddy needs to put his little girl first, not his wacked out mommy.

Ditto all of this, especially the bolded. Your MIL's behavior towards your daughter is completely abusive and your husband shouldn't worry one bit about his mother's feelings in this situation.

I completely agree with all of the above. Please don't let your MIL treat your daughter this way

ETA: She's four years old, she's not a "baby" anymore. She's old enough to understand what your MIL is saying to her, and obviously little kids believe whatever adults tell them.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I can really relate. What helps me is reminding myself that I will NEVER understand everyone and everything they do. Never. It is better to accept it. Set boundaries and try to let things go. The only one you are punishing is yourself b/c chances are (or at least in my case) your MIL does not see a problem. Dysfunction is everywhere and it is not your job to change anyone but your own response (not reactions) to her behavior. For unacceptable behavior find your voice. Tell her how you feel. Be calm and be clear of how her behavior affects your daughter and her relationship with her. For the minor stuff I would just ignore it. See my signature. I have been practicing this for the past few months and have noticed positive changes. It is difficult to let go but if you can it is worth it! Sorry you are so frustrated and hope it all works out for you.

 

[Steel]

Wow, I''m sorry IK. This sounds like an intolerable situation for you and your little girl.

Date: 1/14/2010 2:03:25 PM
Author:innerkitten
My mother in law really bugs me and we''re around each other a lot. I spend too much time feeling upset about her these days, especially with the way she treats my daughter. The first issue is probably pretty minor . She eats here a lot on the weekends but has never helped clean up after, or had us over for dinner. I like that our home is always open to her but I wish there was more of a little more give from her side sometimes.
The other thing is that she''s not very good with our daughter. She doesn''t like to babysit ( okay whatever, I''ve stopped asking ) but the few times she has looked after my her or when she''s hanging out with her she say''s really negative things about Tabetha ( my daughters name). I first noticed when my daughter would come home after spending time with my MIL. She''d say things like '' I''m a bad guy'' I''m really naughty, the baddest kid in the whole world''. And when she brings Tabetha back she complains about how bad Tabetha was and how embarrassed she felt being with Tabetha if Tabetha acted out in public. At first I thought I might be over reacting. But my father brought it up last time he was here because he noticed it too. Then my MIL picked her up from pre school the other afternoon and the next day the teacher came to me and said'' I need to talk to you about the woman that picked Tabetha up the other day, I didn''t like the way she was treating Tabetha ''. Won''t go into anymore detail about the conversation but it did confirm what I''ve been feeling.

Days before my husband and I were married she begged him not to do it. She made it into a joke but still it was kind of weird. And when my daughter was a crying newborn she always said things like '' just let her cry'' and '' too bad she looks like a boy''. My husband once said that she didn''t like any woman involved with her three sons. Maybe she feels that way about our daughter? Anyway I''ve already stopped leaving Tabetha with her when I need help I just ask my own mother who''s really good with her.

If you''re wondering my daughter turned four about a week ago.

The yellow highlighted parts stick out for me (not that all the rest isn''t a whole bunch of crazy). I thought it was odd that T would say ''guy'' and that your MIL would say ''guy'' to her - at all, ever. Then I read that she mentioned that your girly looks like a boy and I thought Hmmmmm. Then I saw she had 3 boys herself.

Where I am going with this is that your girl is ''more likely than not'' being purposefully emotionally abused for some loony reason.They poor little mite must be really confused.

 

[tlh]

I''m a bad guy" I''m really naughty, the baddest kid in the whole world".

This breaks my heart. I am also confused about why she would say I''m a bad GUY. I would think she would say, girl... or something. I dont know. I know you said your MIL said she looks like a boy, but still, she is a GIRL, and if pictured in your avatar, I think quite cute!

Seems like a really f-ed up thing for a grandma to do. Sorry, but I just think grandmas, already did the parenting, so grandparents get to and should ENJOY their grandchildren. Sure if the children are doing something that could get them hurt- then STOP the child... but belittling and name calling... That is not appropriate at any age. Plus I really wouldn''t call that sort of abuse any sort of constructive.

Sucks that you have to put your bad girl pants on and be the meanie and talk to his mother. But SOMEONE has to do it. Especially if your daughter''s teacher has an issue with the way his mother is treating her. Seriously. That is just wrong!

 

[packrat]

I got all teary reading this.

I hope your husband stays on board w/saying something to his mom. It shouldn''t be about him not wanting to make his mom upset-it should be about him not wanting his mom to say horrible things to his daughter. I hope your mom will watch Tabetha extra for you, so MIL doesn''t need to. The less time spent around her the better, seems to me.

Tabetha is, like mentioned earlier, old enough to understand the things said to her, and it''s really heartbreaking for an innocently beautiful 4 year old girl to think such things about herself are true.

MIL''s behavior needs to come to a crashing halt, and if it doesn''t, then she doesn''t deserve to spend time with her grandchild.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi innerkitten

here's my thinking...

grandma is a bully. not really mentally ill, but just a good, old fashioned bully. picking on little kids definitely falls into this category. the good news is that bullies always fold when pushed. so my FIRST port of call would be the dishes.

establish some dominance here - "you eat, you clean." be a whole lot less flexible and raise your expectations of this one very lazy guest. ask her flat out after the meal to help and give her an assigned task. if she tries to treat your request as tho you dont really mean it - say - "i mean it." then stand and wait. be polite, keep a smile on your face, but be unequivocal. my husband and i entertain a LOT, and it appalls me how, over the years, i've seen the offers to help just evaporate, as tho there is some housework fairy who will come in and clean up after i've shelled out hard dollars then spent hours prepping. so for some years now i have asked specific people to assist me in the kitchen when i'm done. i tend to pick men who i know dont lift a finger in their own homes. they generally try to laugh it off too, but i make a point of coming and getting them and MAKING them help. i'm their hostess, not their maid.

so make the point with MIL - she is a GUEST, not a CUSTOMER, and has to do her fair share. if you dont look like master in your own house, you wont convince her you're master of your own child either - and that includes protecting tabetha from bullies like grandma.

secondly, ask tabetha if grandma has ever hit her, pushed her, slapped her, pinched her, or touched her in a way tabetha disliked. make sure tabetha knows it is absolutely OK TO TELL YOU. (if the answer to any of these questions is 'yes', i'm sure you can work out how to proceed from there)

thirdly, play some question games with tabetha. like - "who's the best 4 yr old with blond pigtails and a cute as a button nose in the entire universe?....that's right! it's YOU! "and who does mommy love more than anyone in the whole world? right again! YOU! what a smart girl you are!" do this a lot; kids learn what they're taught, so teach her that you value her above all things. a very good friend of mine is divorced and has a daughter, now 8, who was 4 at the time of his separation. he has primary custody (which should tell you all you need to know about the mother.) i have been playing these question games with her ever since their separation, and it has helped her self esteem no end. i asked her to do a drawing for me a few months ago of her and i, and she drew a picture of herself with a big grin on her face, sliding down a rainbow. i said "but 'E' - where am i?" she said "kaaaareeeeeyn (like - 'you big silly, this is obvious!' kind of tone) - you're the *rainbow*!" and i figure that's a good place to be in a child's life.

lastly, i'm not sure why your husband feels he needs to be present to 'witness' any kind of abuse. seems to me you have more than enough proof that this is not a healthy relationship. i would *strongly* urge you to find alternative childcare. bullies will bully instinctively when monitoring eyes aren't on them, and the fact that tabetha is taking on so much of what grandma tells her means tabetha is in no way old enough to filter out grandma's lies and criticisms.

so to recap - no more grandma baby sitting. no more grandma as a free passenger. no more waiting for hubby to be convinced there's a problem that needs to be addressed (as opposed to just agreeing there's a problem). no more tabetha standing between you and grandma; you need to stand between grandma and tabetha.

and i wouldnt be too concerned about losing grandma permanently; i suspect she needs somewhere to 'be', and the identity she gets as mother/MIL and grandma will continue to bring her back to your home, even if she initially flounces off.

in essence - change the dynamic.

good luck!

 

[beaujolais]

As per Porridge:

For your daughter:

Never leave her alone with this woman. You don't have to cut out grandmonster completely, but make your daughter aware that what she says is not necessarily true. It's a good life lesson to learn anyway. Be specific, do it immediately after insults/berating.

For you:

1) Realise that she's never going to change. Then:
2) Pity her. She's not right in the head.
3) Cut down the amount of time you spend with her.

Daddy needs to put his little girl first, not his wacked out mommy.

----

This makes me feel sick. I want to go beat this woman up. Hugs and lots of nice words & compliments to your "best little girl in the world."

MORON.

Oh, agreed, please never leave your child alone with her.

 

[somethingshiny]

Whitby~ Interesting thoughts. You wrote about things I hadn''t even considered. Glad to have you back!

 

[LGK]

Prioritize. Your kid comes first, then as a far distant second your husband''s feelings on the situation, and grandma''s. Verbal abuse from a trusted adult can stick with kids for a lifetime.

I had an aunt who would pull me aside when I was a child and "warn me about myself for my own good". Some of the awful things she told me- and I was a bit older than Tabetha- I didn''t realize were utter BS until I was in my mid-20s and spent some quality time reflecting on things. Who tells a 7 year old she''s never going to amount to anything because she''s just like her good-for-nothing dad? Or that I was always going to be unattractive. Or that I was definitely going to be fat when I grew up. Or that I wasn''t smart enough to go to college... that I''d never hold a job... so on and so forth. My parents never knew a thing, but some of her criticisms of me stuck with me for decades.

Keep T away from her. Seriously she could do her damage

 

[junebug17]

I would not allow Tabetha to be alone with this woman anymore. It''s a blessing that she never wanted to babysit. You definitely need to find someone else to take that one day a month. The clincher for me is that a teacher said something about your mil''s treatment of T. She''s a totally objective person, with no ax to grind. Your mil''s behavior towards T must have been pretty bad for a virtual stranger to say something. Nobody deserves to be talked to the way your mil talks to your daughter. And right now your daughter can''t defend herself, and that''s where you and your husband have to enter the situation. You have to be your daughter''s voice. You have to stand up for that little girl. Your mil has to be told her behavior toward your daughter is wrong and unacceptable. I''m curious, does your mil talk abusively to T when you are present? If she does, you need to say something immediately. If she doesn''t, then supervised visits should be ok, but again, I would not allow mil to be alone with T anymore.

As for cleaning up after dinner, there''s probably not much you can do about that. I''m not surprised that this woman is rude on top of everything else. To be honest, it''s probably the least of your problems with her. I''m so sorry you have to deal with this, I really hope you can find some peace with this upsetting situation.

 

[April20]

I don''t believe anything I can say will be nearly as insightful or eloquent as what Whitby has already said but I can''t help but weigh in with just one little thing....

I have two different friends with very spririted children. I find these children to be a delight and love to really talk to them (they''re 4 and 5). They love the attention and even when they''re at their worst, I can''t imagine anyone treating them poorly and these aren''t even my children. Long story short, DO NOT allow your MIL to treat your precious child this way. She should not be speaking to your child in the manner she has been doing. If your daughter thinks that her grandmother expects and assumes she will be bad, who''s to say that she won''t start giving her exactly that rather than what she knows she should do. I think your MIL could do damage that could be very hard to undo and she must be stopped.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I agree with all that has been said about keeping your daughter away from this woman. The hurts of childhood and the things people say to you can very often last a
lifetime. Please please please remember that. As Whitby said, I would also do everything you can to reinforce positive messages to your daughter.

Husbands very often just don''t get it. They are wired very differently from us sensitive women. He may come around and see it eventually but in the meantime, you
need to do everything that you can to protect Tabetha. I wouldn''t fight about it, but I would say, I''m sorry honey, but this is just the way it is going to have to be for now.

My in-laws always were great to my kids, but my MIL was very often incredibly rude and hurtful to me. I married her first (and best!) son at 20. I didn''t begin to understand
how hard that was until I had a son. Not to excuse what yours has done in any way, but my MIL eventually came around and now she loves me best! So just to
encourage you that stuff can change eventually.

I, personally, would just stay away from them as much as you can. They are definitely toxic and you don''t need that.

 

[jewelz617]

Honestly, if a situation has become toxic, I only put myself into it for the sake of keeping peace until I can leave. If someone is making my life miserable when they are near me, I choose to make myself less available. If it involves dinner plans, I make a date for the movies with a friend. If I need someone to watch my daughter, I call my mother (rarely, but I have done that in the past).

It''s just about deciding what your limit is, and making yourself comfortable. It may seem like you have to put up with her, but you really don''t. It doesn''t mean your husband and daughter can''t be around her, but you can choose not to be. Just because someone is "family" doesn''t mean you have to expose yourself to negativity and stress.

 

[monarch64]

I''m so sorry to hear this, IK. A grandparent should be encouraging and supportive and reinforce positive behavior, not tell your child she''s a bad girl. I like what Tacori and Whitby said. I am a firm believer that you can''t change a person, but you can manipulate their interactions with you so that they are not able to indulge themselves.

My mother had serious issues with my grandmother when my brother and I were growing up. My grandmother did a lot of things that made my mother stop allowing her to spend time with us. My grandmother enjoyed undermining my mother and doing whatever she felt like doing with us even if my mother asked her specifically not to. She wanted to play "good guy" and let us do things or buy us things that my mom said were off-limits. Like me getting my ears pierced...my mom was against it, but my grandmother told me (behind my mom''s back) that she would take me and have them pierced. She bought me my first training bra, even though my mom specifically asked her not to because she wanted that to be a mom/daughter thing between us. Those were just small things. My dad didn''t want to be bothered with any of it, he wanted my mom to handle it and he just wasn''t supportive of her. My dad has always done everything he possibly could for his mother/my grandmother and my mother came second. I hate to see that happen to you, IK, whether that is the case or not. It is not fun to grow up in that sort of environment.

It kind of sounds to me like your MIL doesn''t want to let go of her son, and anything that comes between them (you, your daughter) she''s going to bully, either passive-aggressively or outright until she gets her way. What a sad person.

Where are the other two sons/brothers of your husband? Can''t she go make a nuisance of herself in their homes? Sheesh. I don''t have better advice to give than has already been said here, I hope you are able to find a solution. Best of luck to you, and lots of hugs.