When is it a postponement and when is it backing out???

[EyeElle]

Hey All,

Some of you may know about my hard time with SO, I had a thread where I just needed to vent and ask for some advice/thoughts/opinions ... which I received and am sane today because of it haha

Well I have one more thing I would love your thoughts/views/opinions on
P.S. not necessarily pertaining to me, but I have a feeling it will so I was just curious for the future and how to deal.

I was just thinking about how many of us, thought they would get engaged at a certain time and then it didn''t happen, and then were told it would be a few weeks later, or months or even years.

I was just thinking. If you were about to get engaged and then he suddenly tells you that it wont be now but more closer to 1-1.5 years from now ... how would you see that??

I understand that certain things come up (finances, family, jobs etc) and have to move it back 2-5 months, but to move back the engagement 1.5 years seems a bit excessive to me. It just makes me wonder that there is more to it then just a "timing" issue or financial issue.

Any thoughts???? How do you guys see it???

 

[tlh]

Babe... I see you, 100%. I think you just have to know your guy. I knew my guy wanted to marry me... and so I was okay with waiting... but it was agonizing, when I expected it to happen, and it passed. He was supposed to propose in June, that was the thought. I started getting really b!tchy because I had already been waiting OVER A YEAR by that point... and I was at the end of my rope when he proposed in October. It felt like an eternity, and it was horrible.

Another couple of months and I would have walked... even knowing he and I were both ready. But I am just a put your $$$ where your mouth is kinda girl... and there does come a point when words.... are just words.

Hugs. I think this is just something in general... not just the ring. The ring takes a lot of focus, but as the saying goes... life is what happens when you are busy planning for the future...

 

[Winks_Elf]

You shouldn''t be left to wonder if its a timing issue or something else. I think the two of you need to have a serious talk.

There never is a "perfect" financial time. Cars break down, life happens, bills are non-stop. Is it a matter of money, or is he just not ready and thinks he''ll be in a year and a half? What will be so different in a year, year and a half except that you''ll be almost two years older and still waiting?

 

[chocolatefudge]

EyeElle, I understand how you feel. Honestly, I thought my SO and I were ready to get engaged in 2006. He had told me that after graduating we would be. Since then I''ve been constantly xpecting it and he moved timelines further and further back (although to be honest he HATES timelines and refused to discussed a time with me.) It''s only this year that his conversations have started to get more serious and I now realise that he wasn''t emotionally ready before.
If your man is moving back your timeframe it''s a bigger issue than money. My SO tried to tell me that it was money but I think he was too scared to tell me that he wasn''t ready as I would have freaked out (which I probably would as I felt that this meant he didn''t love me enough which I realise is silly.)

How old is your SO? Mine is approaching 26 and he''s only just ready. Some men just do take a lot longer than women- I was ready to marry him at 20!

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

This is a really great thread. From the moment we started dating FF and I have agreed that 24 is the perfect age to get married (for us) and thats what our plans are. (We're 22 now and have been dating since we were 16)

However, I often think about that 'timeline' and realize 'what if' we aren't ready. I don't want our relationship to be based on a timeline and pressure him to marry me if he's not ready and I wouldn't want him to do the same to me. I think this is such a big issue that I tend to worry about because it really is difficult to say how one will feel in X amount of time.

I, personally, don't think there should be a 'timeline' unless you are emotionally ready at the exact moment you make said timeline. I think it should be based more on "we are BOTH ready to be married now, but we will get engaged in X years or months, bc we will both be done with school, have a job, saved money for the ring, ready to start a family" or whatever the reasons may be and not based on when you *think* you will be emotionally ready.

 

[EyeElle]

Thanks so much for all of your input guys.

We are both 25. Age has never really been an issue for us. And in our case, it was him that brought up marriage and wanted to get engaged, and I was the one who told him we should wait.
And now, well tables have turned, because now I want to get engaged and he''s wanting to wait.

We never really set a timeline, we just started talking about it more and more and then it just got all excited to the point where I asked when and when ... so nothing specific timeline wise.

He just says that we have to wait because my brothers wedding is coming up (but that is like 10 months away!!) and that he can have more time to save up for the ring ...

The thing that gets me the hardest and makes it so hard to undertand, was that he was fully ready (financially and emotonally etc) to get engaged and now he says we should wait.

I am just trying to understand if its cold feet, or a change of heart ... not sure what to make of it?

And if I do ask him, he will just tell me what I told you guys, about not being the right time and that he does want to marry me and nothing has changed in that aspect ..... but I don''t know if he says this to not hurt me or if there is something (just like you mentioned chocolatefudge)

Who knew getting engaged was so difficult and filled with such hardships lol

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

I think my reaction to such a situation would be based on SO''s reasoning. Hes very rational and I doubt something would happen to push engagement back 1.5 years that I also didnt view as substantial enough to put our relationship on the back burner and focus on. I''m just very grateful that I''ve found someone whos as anxious to get engaged as I am, especially when Im asked to think of situations like this.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

I was "supposed" to get engaged in 2009, but he changed his mind. He tried to give me another timeline, and I tried to believe in it, but I just couldn''t. He already gave me a timeline that he didn''t keep, and he got away with it-why would he stick to this one? At this point, the only timeline I have is the timeline I set for myself.

 

[neatfreak]

Wanting to put off an engagement 1.5 years AFTER already talking about doing it sooner is backing out IMO. It might work out in the future but in guy language that says loud and clear "SOMETHING HAS MADE ME CHANGE MY MIND."

 

[princessplease]

Weeks or months is really no big deal to me, but if it was something that was seriously discussed and I had a genuine belief in a particular time frame which was later thrown by the wayside, I''d be seriously questioning what happened. Situations like job losses, medical problems, and serious life issues are a completely different story, but if those situations weren''t present, I''d want to know exactly why the time frame changed to over a year later. I would sit down with my SO and have a discussion about the situation to find out the reasons.

 

[EyeElle]

Ya a discussion is needed. But when we have one there is no real issues that come up. Hard to get it out of him ... if there is anything.

Thanks for your input guys. I know there needs to be a heart-to-heart talk with the SO.
I guess its good to talk to other ladies about it as well. Thanks again!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/28/2009 11:16:34 AM
Author: PrincessLily2009
I was ''supposed'' to get engaged in 2009, but he changed his mind. He tried to give me another timeline, and I tried to believe in it, but I just couldn''t. He already gave me a timeline that he didn''t keep, and he got away with it-why would he stick to this one? At this point, the only timeline I have is the timeline I set for myself.

Good for you!!!