What's the biggest lie you ever told?

[missy]

I will preface this with saying I am not a good liar and so I rarely lie. Not just because I am a bad liar but because in general I hate being dishonest.

Do I ever tell "white" lies? Sometimes I do. When telling the truth would hurt the person and there is absolutely nothing that person can do to change the situation I might lie so they feel better about things. But in general I don't lie and tell the truth and try to do it gently when that truth might hurt.

Having said that my question to PSers is-do you ever lie? How often and why? And what is the biggest lie you ever told someone?
I know that is a personal question but if you are OK with sharing I thought it would make for an interesting topic of discussion.

 

[CJ2008]

White lies mostly. Not that often.

I don't like lying. I don't like having to remember what I said. Even with small things like why I might not be able to attend an event. I much much rather be straight up or not give a reason than give one that isn't true. That said, I do sometimes have to make up stuff because I do say no a lot.

I also feel like when I'm honest I let you know more who I am and in a way it's more respectful to the person doing the asking. So if you invite me to the beach, and I don't want to go if I say a lie "oh, I have to do x that day" versus "oh thank you so much. I'm actually not too much of a beach person" the second one I feel opens the door to get to know one another better, the first one just shoots down the invite.

I will tell white lies to protect someone's feelings if I feel it's what they WANT - "does my butt look big?" (meanwhile you can tell they like their butt in those pants) I'll say "it looks good!" and leave it at that. If I can tell they want my HONEST opinion I will still find a tactful way to say it "I think you could do better than those pants." Something like that.

I know these are smallish things - but I can't remember the last time I lied about something big. I really do try to be honest especially with my feelings.

ETA: the biggest lies I ever told have really been to myself.

 

[Scandinavian]

Good idea for a topic Missy!
I almost never lie. I'm just not able to. Even white lies maks me horribly uncomfortable. So I generally I just avoid the issue or go around it - for example, if someone has a new dress and I would like to say something nice but I really don't like it, i try to find something nice about it that i can comnent on. I might say "oh is that new - such a pretty colour, where did you get that?" Is that a white lie also perhaps? I find that most people have different definitions of what constitutes a lie. Which is also very interesting I think.
Biggest lie I ever told - I told one of my friends that I really liked her FI. Didnt really have much choice there... but I still regret it non the less.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I feel like this thread is going to mostly say "I never lie!" haha

Lies!

Biggest lie I ever told I started a fire while my parents were home and blamed it on my much younger cousin. I was 12 at the time and cried for a week.

 

[Rhea]

I lie daily. Small lies, but lies none the less. To my sister asking if this is a good time to talk, not really, but she needs me, I say sure! To my husband who wants confirmation that he hasn't just gone the wrong way on the tube and wasted a load of time after we've already started out and it'd take more time to backtrack, I say I agree, that's the way I've have gone today. To my mother who wants to know if the meal she worked hard to prepare is too done, nope, it's good. I feed our pets while saying I've already feed them. I say I'm fine when I'm not, partly because really, the person asking doesn't want to know exactly how I feel, nor do I want to tell them. And when I'm tired and stressed and in a terrible mood I attempt to keep up my end of our division of household chores so when DH asks if I'm sure I feel up to cooking tonight, I am.

Yep, I lie daily. If you ask me how I am, I'll probably lie to you. I feel like complete crap today. But that backs someone in a corner where the polite thing is to respond, something I don't want to put on anyone else at the moment. I read somewhere (don't know the source) that the average person lies around 20 times a day. I can believe it.

I can't remember the biggest lie I've ever told. I'm sure it was a doozy, but it's long flown out of my head. My dad makes a big deal out of one I told when I was about 14, maybe I'm just embarrassed by my actions, but it didn't and doesn't seem that bad. I made my sister skip our horse riding lessons so we could walk to the store to by 17 magazine. I really wanted it and was afraid it'd be off the shelves before the weekend when my mom promised she'd take me. My dad has never let me live that one down.

 

[canuk-gal]

I lie daily. Small lies, but lies none the less. To my sister asking if this is a good time to talk, not really, but she needs me, I say sure! To my husband who wants confirmation that he hasn't just gone the wrong way on the tube and wasted a load of time after we've already started out and it'd take more time to backtrack, I say I agree, that's the way I've have gone today. To my mother who wants to know if the meal she worked hard to prepare is too done, nope, it's good. I feed our pets while saying I've already feed them. I say I'm fine when I'm not, partly because really, the person asking doesn't want to know exactly how I feel, nor do I want to tell them. And when I'm tired and stressed and in a terrible mood I attempt to keep up my end of our division of household chores so when DH asks if I'm sure I feel up to cooking tonight, I am.

Yep, I lie daily. If you ask me how I am, I'll probably lie to you. I feel like complete crap today. But that backs someone in a corner where the polite thing is to respond, something I don't want to put on anyone else at the moment. I read somewhere (don't know the source) that the average person lies around 20 times a day. I can believe it.

I can't remember the biggest lie I've ever told. I'm sure it was a doozy, but it's long flown out of my head. My parents make a big deal out of one I told when I was about 14, maybe I'm just embarrassed by my actions, but it didn't and doesn't seem that bad. I made my sister skip our horse riding lessons so we could walk to the store to by 17 magazine. I really wanted it and was afraid it'd be off the shelves before the weekend when my mom promised she'd take me. My dad has never let me live that one down.

Oh Rhea, I "love" the way you "lie". I'd just tell my DH I am mad he is not helping!

cheers--Sharon

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

People find me painfully honest...so no I don't lie. But that is not to say I've never told one. ONE. lol

I told a bold face lie to my first long term boyfriend...that I "never" passed gas. Yup. I don't know how it came about, but I must have been convincing b/c a few years later he told that to someone else...Sharon "never" farts. I remember LOL that be believed me and confessed that I made it up. Not sure if I subsequently provided evidence tho....

cheers--Sharon

 

[Jambalaya]

The truth is that I am a very good liar. It's a skill that has saved my bacon over and over when dealing with some seriously nasty people. Life's bullies, in other words. I'm thinking of work situations where someone has the power to really hurt you. I can't think of any good examples now, but say I made a very small mistake and a work bully who is very articulate and excellent at office politics decided to blow it up out of all proportion to make me look bad. I might deny, very convincingly, that I had ever made that error. Because I needed to keep the job. I've also been in situations where my physical safety was threatened and lying very well saved me there, too.

The other situation in which I lie is when someone is really, really getting at me over something completely unfair, like the way I look or my life choices. Man, if you yank my chain over and over for a long period of time, it's open season.

The thing is, I can't think of any examples. I don't tell terrible lies - I never lie about others, only myself, and I would never, ever say that I had an illness, or a relative had an illness, that did not exist. Lies like that are totally off-limits - they're seriously bad karma. I'd also never say that I had more money than I do or name-drop. I don't tell any of those kinds of lies.

I did once have this live-in boyfriend for a few years who was always bullying me about my weight and used to question me about what I had eaten that day. I took enormous pleasure in lying to him about what I'd eaten - even if I'd eaten healthy that day. He was really horrible to me quite a lot - when I turned 30 I had a party, and I had lost my sister shortly before after a long battle with ill-health. He refused to speak to me for the weekend I turned 30, including at my party, because he thought I was too fat. He also gave me an STD and wasn't sorry. I got my own back by using the housekeeping money for jewelry. I gained some very nice pieces that I still wear and adore, and the fact that I got something out of all the misery he put me through still feels good.

Let's just say that I'm no saint (although I have my moral guidelines; see third paragraph above) and I believe in the saying "Fight fire with fire."

I'm an excellent liar but I save it for those who richly deserve it. With those people, I've also used the "lying by omission" tool quite a lot, and that has taught me to watch for what is not being said.

 

[Jambalaya]

I once dropped the phone in the bath and my parents had to get a new one. No way was I going to own up to that. They always over-reacted terribly to things being broken. You'd have thought the world was ending, the way they went on. No, that phone died a natural death.

 

[Rhea]

Oh Rhea, I "love" the way you "lie". I'd just tell my DH I am mad he is not helping!

cheers--Sharon

Ha! It's selfishness, I don't clean. At all. I haven't cleaned in over 13 years. I don't vacuum, mop, dust, iron, don't do toilets, windows or mirrors. And I just lied! I've vacuumed 2 1/2 times in 13 years. It's easy to say I don't do it at all rather than say I average once every 5 years. I discovered he washes the shower curtain to keep it mould free! I wouldn't even think of that. He takes joy in using the carpet cleaner, and will spend all day doing it much to my annoyance. In return DH doesn't cook dinner (to keep this accurate on this lying thread, he mostly doesn't cook dinners), do the grocery shopping, clean litter boxes, organise most household bills.

I don't wanna clean so I lie and just shut-up and cook dinner.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I don't like lying so I don't do it often.

Last big lie I told was to a friend of mine who wanted me to watch her kid. Now not that I'm making an excuse for this but at the time my son was four months old and very high maintenance. Her son was 2 and had some kind of developmental issue going on and he had a biting habit. I do not enjoy watching other people's kids never mind when I'm sleep deprived and need a friendly visit not a babysitting gig.

So she texted me asking if I was available on a certain day for a visit, when I responded that I was available, she said she had a hidden agenda and that she needed me to watch her son. I didn't respond. This was at about 3:30 so by the time I did get back to her it was 7:00 and I told her my husband's truck had broken down and I had to go pick him up because he had to have the truck towed. In hindsight I should have just told her that I was too tired and not up for it but I didn't know how to handle it since she had kind of backed me into a corner.

So there you go, terrible me

 

[DAF]

When I was younger, I think I lied more. As I have aged a bit, I've come to the realization that it's too much trouble to keep things straight when you lie bigger than a white lie.

Although I haven't had any big lies that I can remember recently, I had one perpetrated upon me that got me fired from a job I had for 18 years. Last August I found out that my mother was very ill and over the course of the next two days, found out in dribs and drabs that it was cancer, then metastatic cancer, then hospice was the only option. My mother was bipolar (unmedicated) and treated her children horribly. I had not had contact with her for a year (her choice) when I found out she was in the hospital. I had let my Department head know on a Wednesday that she was very sick and started to tear up, she offered to have a counselor contact me, I accepted. Later that day the hospital social worker called and wanted me to meet with her physicians the next day She gave me time off in the afternoon. When I found out Thursday morning that it was cancer, I let her know. In the afternoon when I found out it was metastatic cancer, I let her know. That afternoon I found out she was terminal and only had a week to two to live. It was my intention to go in Friday morning and see my patients and ask for family leave beginning the next week. I didn't even get the chance. The moment I walked in the door she was on my back about my schedule. She belittled and berated me, and I was polite and told her I thought she was mistaken about what we were discussing and supported it with facts. She said to me "I do this all the time, do you not think I know my job?", to which I replied "I'm not saying that, it's just that something's not right here. I've never had quarter hour time bank deductions from my pay." She continued saying the same thing, and I said the same thing back. She then said "What part of this don't you understand?" I began to cry and said to her "I can't handle this right now. Would you please leave my office? This is petty." She continued to berate me and I couldn't take it anymore so I yelled at her to get out of my office. I contacted HR by emial to complain about her and then went and saw my first patient. After that patient, I was called into her office and handed a letter that I was being placed on investigatory leave. Long story short, she lied and said that I made an aggressive move towards her when I yelled at her. I didn't. She was standing behind me when I yelled. After my family leave and bereavement time, I went in for a meeting and was terminated. I appealed it and in the response, this woman told HR that I never told her that my mother was ill in the days leading up to that Friday morning.

She was well aware of my emotional disability and was absolutely relentless. It does not excuse my yelling at her, and I apologized and said that I hadn't had the chance to update her on my mother.

 

[Niel]

I lie often.

"I can't come out tonight we don't have a sitter" is really just that I don't want to.

"I don't feel like having a drink " means, sorry honey, you wasted that 5 dollar beer on me becuase I didn't like it.

"I'd be happy to do that for you" -you're a lazy POS.

I used to LOOOVE cheating on boyfriends when I was younger.

I enjoyed the thrill of sneaking around, and the attention from men who wanted me and then the boyfriend that loved me.
I'm not proud of it. And as an adult I realize it was mostly becuase I was too afraid to leave aomeone I loved when I knew it wasn't working.

But yea, those would be my big lies,

 

[chemgirl]

Neil makes me not feel so bad posting mine.

I don't lie often, but when I do they are big ones!

I failed a course in University and told my parents I had a B-. I convinced the professor to let me take the second half and redo the first course over correspondence. Still graduated on time so nobody in my life found out.

I lied to my husband when we were talking about our number of previous partners. My number was much much larger than his and he went first. I felt like it would bother him to hear the real number (not crazy high, but his was 2...). I lied and said 4 including him. It actually makes me feel a bit guilty, but after 7 years it seems a bit late to come clean.

I'm great at lying.

 

[missy]

Rhea, come to think of it I lie more than I realized because when people (acquaintances) ask how I am I am not always honest with them. For all the reasons you stated.

But when it comes down to important issues I cannot tell a lie. So yeah I would be completely honest with my dh and that is for selfish reasons also. It's easier (for me) to let him know exactly how I feel. I'm glad you have such a caring and supportive dh who makes life that much easier for you.

Jambalaya, I also agree with fighting fire with fire so we're on the same page there. Wish I could lie better because that is where we differ. But because I cannot and don't like remembering whatever lies I might tell it's just easier for me not to lie. And selfish of me too because I feel better telling people the truth even if it would have been easier on our relationship to tell a lie. I am thinking of my dh's family in this example. They knew exactly how I felt about them during the rocky times as I didn't keep that from them and I think it made them respect me more for it. Though it probably also made them dislike me even more too. Oh well. Cannot please everyone and I don't try to anymore either. With age does come some wisdom.


Stephanie, that is nothing to feel badly about. She was being the rude one to trick you into saying you were free without giving you the real reason. And that is what I would consider Jambalaya's example of fighting fire with fire. So don't beat yourself up about it. There is often more than one good way to handle something and I think you did just fine.

Elliot, I am sorry about the fire and how scary but it happened a long time ago and hopefully your cousin forgave you!

Scandinavian, we are similar in this way. It makes me feel awful and I just cannot physically tell a lie and be believable. It sort of sucks too because not all lies are bad lies so wish I could be a better liar at least occasionally.


CJ, I am with you. Being honest with my feelings especially with those I love is important to me and for our relationships in general. And yes the more I respect the person the more honest I will always be. If you are nothing to me it would be easier to lie if necessary but someone who I am close to and respect will never be someone I want to ever tell a lie to. I don't think I tell any lies to myself though as I am brutally honest with myself. Or at least I try to be always. I am pretty clear eyed when it comes to my actions and who I am and how I behave and I tend to be very intuitive in general. Not sure that is a blessing or a curse but that's how it is.

Sharon, hahaha. Did you ever see the episode from Sex and the City where Carrie passes gas and then she is convinced that is why Mr Big was sort of MIA afterwards? LOL. Yes I suppose all of us at one point or another have "dealt" (LOLOL) with something similar.

DAF, I am sorry you went through that! How awful. (((Hugs))).

Niel, thank you for your honesty. (You're not lying about this right? JK! ) We all did things we are not proud of when we were younger and good for you in realizing the motivation. Some of us never get to that realization I think.

Chemgirl, I would say that is very creative thinking and you made the best of both situations that is for sure.Good for you for making it work re the grades at University and also making your dh not feel badly. I am sort of in awe at how well you handled the University issue!

 

[monarch64]

I was never a very good liar. And having been on the betrayed side of things, I really dislike lying liars who lie. I can definitely tell when someone's not telling me the truth, whether it's a casual "I'm fine" when I know they aren't fine but don't feel like talking about it, to actual giant lies with huge consequences. The latter get cut out of my life. I do not like deceit.

 

[missy]

I was never a very good liar. And having been on the betrayed side of things, I really dislike lying liars who lie. I can definitely tell when someone's not telling me the truth, whether it's a casual "I'm fine" when I know they aren't fine but don't feel like talking about it, to actual giant lies with huge consequences. The latter get cut out of my life. I do not like deceit.

Yes yes yes to all of what you wrote Monnie. I don't want to go into it but someone very close to me once told me a HUGE lie (lie of omission but still HUGE) and it almost ended our relationship. I am forever grateful I forgave him because it would have ruined our lives if I did not and having him in my life has meant everything to me. He has never lied to me since and never will again (and I truly believe that because if I didn't I wouldn't have been able to forgive him and move forward) because that would end us. But having said that this one experience has definitely forever made it critical to me to have honesty from those in my life whom I care about and love. I cannot settle for anything less.

 

[charleston1]

"I am not feeling well and I won't be in to work today".

Now I am retired so I don't have to ever say this lie again. The job was very stressful and sometimes I just needed a day away.

The only other thing that comes to mind is when someone has a new outfit they are wearing and they ask you directly. The tags are already cut off as they are wearing it so they can't return it. I guess I try to answer in "beautiful colour" or something like that does not actually say it looks great on them when it does not.

 

[Jambalaya]

I was never a very good liar. And having been on the betrayed side of things, I really dislike lying liars who lie. I can definitely tell when someone's not telling me the truth, whether it's a casual "I'm fine" when I know they aren't fine but don't feel like talking about it, to actual giant lies with huge consequences. The latter get cut out of my life. I do not like deceit.

Yes yes yes to all of what you wrote Monnie. I don't want to go into it but someone very close to me once told me a HUGE lie (lie of omission but still HUGE) and it almost ended our relationship. I am forever grateful I forgave him because it would have ruined our lives if I did not and having him in my life has meant everything to me. He has never lied to me since and never will again (and I truly believe that because if I didn't I wouldn't have been able to forgive him and move forward) because that would end us. But having said that this one experience has definitely forever made it critical to me to have honesty from those in my life whom I care about and love. I cannot settle for anything less.

Hi Missy, this line reminded me of something. I totally agree that we need honesty from our loved ones and fidelity is non-negotiable. Honesty within families (and I count married couples without kids as families) is imperative, otherwise it all falls apart.

However, on a slightly different note, I had one friend and one almost-boyfriend who were fond of declaring how much they needed total honesty from everyone and that anything less was a sacking offense. I was thinking of entering into a serious relationship with the guy as I really liked him, but we didn't know each other very well at all. With both of them, these general ultimatums about demanding the truth from others or you're dead to them rubbed me totally the wrong way, and I began to wonder why they thought they deserved my truth and what made them the king? I wasn't going to tell the guy about my IBS or my hyper-sweating or other unattractive ailments, and I wasn't going to jeopardize a fun friendship with the woman by telling her my deepest thoughts about her multi-marrying.

Interestingly, it turned out them both of them were dishonest in their relationships. It's all very well demanding utter truth at all times from others, but I bet most times the demandee doesn't tell the truth in every single situation, to everyone, every moment of their lives - which is what these people were demanding from others. Not meaning you, Missy, I know you meant loved ones, but what you said just reminded me that some friends demand truth all the times like a condition of being in their lives, and I find that type of friend very grandiose. Providing you're not cheating on a partner or trash-talking a friend, why should you tell them the truth the whole time? Many things in people's lives are private. When they said these things, I felt as if they expected others to do a psychological striptease for them. When someone demands total honesty as a condition of friendship, I shy away from that.

 

[Jambalaya]

On the flip side, what are we honest about? Sounds like most of us are honest to a fault, anyway, although I don't consider myself one of them! I'm good at lying when I'm being threatened or dealing with hostile behavior or with someone who is determined to drive me into an early grave by constantly nagging me about my life choices - in other words, I don't feel bad about giving my enemies anything but the truth.

But I'm honest about the following: I'm a stickler for fidelity. I've never been unfaithful to a life partner and I never will. It's the worst thing you can do to someone that's not illegal. The wrongee is in the position of going away and therefore upending their lives, or staying and always feeling like second-best or like the person might do it again. Not a great way to live, and that's the position you put the other person in. I could never do that to anybody.

I sometimes wear fake jewelry and I just can't resist telling people who ask that it's fake and what a bargain it is and where I got it from, because it looks so good for the money!

I never lie about what I have or who I know.

I never tell lies about other people, ever.

But I have to admit that when lying to people who deserve it, often by omission, I enjoy it. I probably feel justified because the person has caused me a huge amount of trouble - an amount that I have never caused anyone in my life. I do love seeing people get their comeuppance.

 

[missy]

Hi Jambalaya, yes I mean important issues when talking about honesty from loved ones and of course I never expect something from someone that I am not 100% willing to give as well. I think we both get what the other means and yes we are on the same page with regards to honesty in significant relationships. And I don't mean I need to know if your IBS is acting up unless of course that person wants to share, I am always available for my loved ones however I can be. That is IMO what love is all about. Being there for each other good times bad times and all the between times.

On another note we are seeing relatives today (my dh's out of town family) and already they pissed me off lol. Trying to stay calm and cool and try to enjoy the day as best I can. My poor dh is sick on top of it all sweet darling. Ok thinking zen thoughts. His family is so selfish that it makes it easy for me to be selfish when I am around them. One thing about me that I am not proud of is I don't let people get away with taking advantage. I say I am not proud because sometimes I behave in a petty manner when dealing with them but yanno it's what I can live with. One of my personal mottos is fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh no, Missy, I'm so sorry about your day with your DH's family! They sound awful. What you said about their bad behavior making it easy for you to be the same - I see exactly what you mean. It's as if that behavior is OK in their world, so it opens the gate for you to do the same. I think it's good that they know where they stand with you. I kept the peace with my former in-laws for my then-DH's sake and it nearly drove me into an early grave.

Good luck with the rest of the day!

 

[missy]

Oh no, Missy, I'm so sorry about your day with your DH's family! They sound awful. What you said about their bad behavior making it easy for you to be the same - I see exactly what you mean. It's as if that behavior is OK in their world, so it opens the gate for you to do the same. I think it's good that they know where they stand with you. I kept the peace with my former in-laws for my then-DH's sake and it nearly drove me into an early grave.

Good luck with the rest of the day!

Thank you Jambalaya. I appreciate your good thoughts. I'm sorry you had difficult in laws too. Yes they know where they stand. On our wedding day my MIL gave a toast (she was toasted herself by that time lol) and said something to the effect you always know where you stand with Melissa. True that.

 

[Rhea]

Rhea, come to think of it I lie more than I realized because when people (acquaintances) ask how I am I am not always honest with them. For all the reasons you stated.

But when it comes down to important issues I cannot tell a lie. So yeah I would be completely honest with my dh and that is for selfish reasons also. It's easier (for me) to let him know exactly how I feel. I'm glad you have such a caring and supportive dh who makes life that much easier for you.

I get what you mean and it's a discussion we have occasionally, be completely honest at all times know that we both do things we'd prefer not to for the sake of the relationship. I sometimes want us to be more honest about the smaller things, but I know that'd impact on me as well. He'd be honest that I don't need another dress, he's tired of spaghetti, and thinks I spend way too much money on body wash. I'd be honest about the amount of time he wastes being lost, that he spends too much money on CDs, and that I'm still incredibly frustrated that he shrunk my jumper a month ago because I'll never find another like it that price. I'd be exhausted with us trying to re-arrange our joint lives to please us both all the time. I want a balance between honesty, working together, and not hurting each other unnecessarily. He won't shrink another sweater anytime soon and I don't lie and say it's completely okay, but I do lie by pretending it bothers me less than it does.

Do you really not lie about the small things? How does that work? When you're out and want to detour into a shoe shop, ask DH if he minds and he responds positively does it mean completely 100% yes or does he tell you no flat out if he doesn't want to?

I agree completely on the big things. Those are different to me.

 

[CJ2008]

CJ, I am with you. Being honest with my feelings especially with those I love is important to me and for our relationships in general. And yes the more I respect the person the more honest I will always be. If you are nothing to me it would be easier to lie if necessary but someone who I am close to and respect will never be someone I want to ever tell a lie to. I don't think I tell any lies to myself though as I am brutally honest with myself. Or at least I try to be always. I am pretty clear eyed when it comes to my actions and who I am and how I behave and I tend to be very intuitive in general. Not sure that is a blessing or a curse but that's how it is.

missy - I want to revise/correct my statement re: lying to myself. There have been times in my life when I didn't want to see certain things and I let things go on in my life longer than I should have. But I always "wake up". So it's not so much that I lie to myself but more that I ignore what I know is nagging me deep down. Same thing maybe. But eventually, I will look at whatever it is straight on and deal with it. And know that I will be OK. I wish I could say I no longer do that, that I've gotten wiser...but still find myself burying things sometimes. Work in progress.

 

[missy]

Rhea, come to think of it I lie more than I realized because when people (acquaintances) ask how I am I am not always honest with them. For all the reasons you stated.

But when it comes down to important issues I cannot tell a lie. So yeah I would be completely honest with my dh and that is for selfish reasons also. It's easier (for me) to let him know exactly how I feel. I'm glad you have such a caring and supportive dh who makes life that much easier for you.

I get what you mean and it's a discussion we have occasionally, be completely honest at all times know that we both do things we'd prefer not to for the sake of the relationship. I sometimes want us to be more honest about the smaller things, but I know that'd impact on me as well. He'd be honest that I don't need another dress, he's tired of spaghetti, and thinks I spend way too much money on body wash. I'd be honest about the amount of time he wastes being lost, that he spends too much money on CDs, and that I'm still incredibly frustrated that he shrunk my jumper a month ago because I'll never find another like it that price. I'd be exhausted with us trying to re-arrange our joint lives to please us both all the time. I want a balance between honesty, working together, and not hurting each other unnecessarily. He won't shrink another sweater anytime soon and I don't lie and say it's completely okay, but I do lie by pretending it bothers me less than it does.

Do you really not lie about the small things? How does that work? When you're out and want to detour into a shoe shop, ask DH if he minds and he responds positively does it mean completely 100% yes or does he tell you no flat out if he doesn't want to?

I agree completely on the big things. Those are different to me.

All good points you raise and to answer your question I really don't lie to my dh and again it's because I would resent him if I did. I know myself and if I started little fibs i.e. I don't mind going into that store for you it would annoy me. So instead I would say I would rather not but if you keep it under 10 minutes then I am fine with it. So compromising but being honest if that makes sense. And my dh is honest with me too (for the most part) with definitely all the big things (all of us here seem to be on the same page with that) and most of the little things. What he does though that I don't mind actually is that he might wait to tell me something that he knows would distress me but also knows there is nothing we could do about it and after the fact it is less upsetting.

Now I guess if he minded about the money I spend on clothes/boots/bling and told me it would upset me but it would upset me more if he were not honest. And anyway my dh is so generous that way I know for the most part things like what I spend on stuff just doesn't bother him but I am also not crazy with what I spend (generally). He has a very generous and giving nature and that is one of the things I love about him so if something like what I was spending were to aggravate him I would want to know.

Of course there are lies and then there are lies and as you pointed out in your first post I now realize actually do lie many times a week when colleagues and acquaintances ask how I am. I am often not great but I always say fine or that I am well vs going into the truth at the time. So I am a liar. But that's a lie for everyone and as you wrote no acquantance/colleague really wants the truth when they ask. It's not the same when a loved one/friend asks. That's a different story. And as I said the more I love and respect someone the less likely I am to lie in any way large or small.

Of course there is no one size fits all and it is what works best for you as a couple and in your relationships. It seems we have all reached a happy medium though it may vary. And that's what's important.

 

[missy]

CJ, I am with you. Being honest with my feelings especially with those I love is important to me and for our relationships in general. And yes the more I respect the person the more honest I will always be. If you are nothing to me it would be easier to lie if necessary but someone who I am close to and respect will never be someone I want to ever tell a lie to. I don't think I tell any lies to myself though as I am brutally honest with myself. Or at least I try to be always. I am pretty clear eyed when it comes to my actions and who I am and how I behave and I tend to be very intuitive in general. Not sure that is a blessing or a curse but that's how it is.

missy - I want to revise/correct my statement re: lying to myself. There have been times in my life when I didn't want to see certain things and I let things go on in my life longer than I should have. But I always "wake up". So it's not so much that I lie to myself but more that I ignore what I know is nagging me deep down. Same thing maybe. But eventually, I will look at whatever it is straight on and deal with it. And know that I will be OK. I wish I could say I no longer do that, that I've gotten wiser...but still find myself burying things sometimes. Work in progress.

I get what you're saying CJ. We are all works in progress so know that honey. None of us perfect. And I think there are times we all fool ourselves for our sanity perhaps and I think seeing things as they really are can be quite challenging but worth it in general so good for you. Sometimes time gives us the gift of perspective and truth.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I read this a long time ago, but it resonated with me...."The worst of lies" (van Herk)

https://issuu.com/ualbertaalumni/docs/ntfall2011/9

cheers--Sharon

 

[marcy]

I voted #3. I will lie by omission or tell a white lie to either avoid an unpleasant situation or not hurt someone's feelings but lying to me is a major violation of my trust so I always try to give what I expect from others.

I often tell people don't ask me any questions if you don't want to know the answer.

A really good friend of mine has told me several big lies in the last few years and it has sure soured me on her. We still hang out together but I certainly don't believe everything that comes out of her mouth. I really struggled with myself whether I wanted to continue being her friend.

 

[missy]

HI:

I read this a long time ago, but it resonated with me...."The worst of lies" (van Herk)

https://issuu.com/ualbertaalumni/docs/ntfall2011/9

cheers--Sharon

Sharon! Thank you for sharing this.

Most of the lies we tell ourselves begin with “I,” the narcissistic marker. Perhaps the greatest lie lived now is the everywhere-demonstrated and practiced belief of individuals that they are the centre of the universe. Of course, each one of us want to believe ourselves the protagonist of the narrative we find ourselves in, not a minor character like Eliot’s Prufrock who “swells a progress, starts a scene or two.” The adamant egocentrism of this age, manifested by disregard for and discourtesy to others, is a deplorable symptom of the 21st century. Healthy narcissism, while it argues for balance, is an oxymoron that we may regret investing in.

Marcy, I hear you. I don't want to be friends with people whom I cannot trust. It just doesn't work for me.
And LOL I will remember not to ask you anything I don't want to hear the answer to. Fortunately I prefer the truth even when it is difficult to hear because only then can I become more self aware and strive to do better.

From Sharon's link:

The beautiful lie (bella bugia) is key to art, and life as art is all that we can live. For it always ends with death, that most inexplicable but inevitable truth.