What would you do?

[stacyQ]

Curious about how you guys would react in my situation. I have been living with my bf for about two years, and he kind of "unofficially" proposed to me just as long ago. We have a great relationship, he is my best friend and for the most part a sensitive guy, but still harbors the clueless gene and has stepped on my feelings more than once (remember my talking to the ex girlfriend behind my back thread??? He cut off all contact with her, btw). Once, last September, he told me he didn''t think getting married was a good idea anymore. I told him if that was the case, then he should move out and we need to take a break from the relationship. He changed his tune and told me that wasn''t what he wanted, that he loved me and that he would propose to me within a year (from Sept 1 2005).


So he finally starting looking at rings a couple of months ago and I was SURE that he would propose on our upcoming trip to Napa valley at the end of this month (perfect place, right?) Well come to find out, he hasn''t even ordered a ring, didn''t know that it would take like a month to make, and was just planning on giving it to me when he got it. No romantic Napa valley proposal, no fanfare, nothing.

To make matters worse, two days ago I found out that my younger sister''s (the one I don''t get along with) bf of one year proposed to her over a romantic dinner, and I was crushed because he did it spontaneously and I feel like I have had to nag the hell out of my boyfriend to even look at a ring. To make matters EVEN worse, my boyfriend called my mother and told her that he was going to propose to me and wanted to know what my sister''s ring looked like (I did NOT want to know, and I told him that the reason I did NOT want to know was because if it hers was bigger, I might be a little resentful and that isn''t right, besides I never see her anyways) so he wouldn''t duplicate it. So now my parents are expecting me to be engaged soon. So, he ordered me a ring with a 1 ct. center stone, called me and told me what he ordered, and then told me IMMEDIATELY after that my sister had a large 2 ct. ring, but that he thinks mine is better quality (even though he has been kind of cheaply nickel and diming me on the ring issue the whole way, and he keeps telling me to pick out rings that are cheaper). WHO THE HELL TELLS THEIR GIRLFRIEND THAT THEY ORDERED HER A RING AND RIGHT AFTER THAT SAYS HER SISTER GOT ONE THAT IS BIGGER?????

I am pissed, hurt, and resentful because he ruined my surprise, put no thought into the process of proposing, and rubbed salt in the wouds by telling me that someone else''s was bigger (not to mention, more well thought out and executed). I told him to cancel the ring- that this process has become so stressful and ugly for me that I don''t want to do it until I can get a grip and be happy about the whole thing.

What would yo do??????

 

[Mara]

what would i do? honestly, i would try to get a grip.

sounds like he may be a little clueless about the romance thing, but does this really surprise you? he's a guy and it sounds like he has a history of being a stupid male, as most men can be from time to time, so why are you freaking out that he is displaying the same characteristics for this ring and proposal? did you expect something different? do you really know who you are marrying?

what concerns me reading your posts is all this dramatic emotion. the guy is doing what you want! he is getting you a ring, he IS putting thought into it even if it's not what kind of level of thought you want, maybe he is oversharing re: the size of your sister's ring and all that, but who cares what someone else has? you want to marry HIM dont you? with a ring or without one? does it really matter if your sister has a bigger one and got a sappy proposal? is this a competitive thing?

i know that the ring and the proposal and all that is important to women, it was important to me too at the time, but now i am going into my third year of marriage and newsflash...it's not about the ring or the proposal or the wedding. marriage is something different, it takes patience and understanding with your mate. you can't be freaking out every time he does something characteristically male or you will be freaking out all the time. and it's not fun to have that kind of drama in a relationship long term. i kind of feel bad for the guy. he's probably thinking in a typical male way, gosh i'm doing what she wants (aka the ring and proposal) and she's still not happy.

can't you just be excited that he IS working on it, he IS planning on it, even if it's not on your timeline or your trip or whatever YOU thought it should be?? i know it can be hard to relinquish control sometimes but it is HIS proposal!

or maybe that's just how it is coming across to me...but i kind of think you are being a little unreasonable with things. just be careful he doesn't suddenly realize 'hey you know what, i don't want to sign up for a life of this, i'm outta here!'

 

[sumbride]

whew, boy. looks like there are a LOT of issues here. First, pick your battles. Are you upset that he''s

a) waited too long to propose and/or
b) didn''t know the process of getting the ring and/or
c) won''t give you a fancy Napa proposal and/or
d) called your mom about the proposal and/or
e) talked to your mom about the size of your sister''s ring and/or
f) told you the size of your sister''s ring and/or
g) told you the size of your ring that you don''t have yet and/or
h) told you that your ring is smaller than your sister''s and/or
i) that your ring is smaller than your sister''s and/or
j) that your sister got engaged before you did and/or
k) it isn''t going the way you want it to

I can see right now that you''re really angry with him but I''m not quite clear on why. If it''s all of the above or most of the above, take a deep breath and chill out a minute. What''s most important to you right now? Do you want to marry him? If you want to marry him, and he wants to marry you, the rest of the stuff should just be gravy. I know it doesn''t feel like that, and believe me, we all get upset over little things, but try to gain some perspective on the situation and decide what really matters. I hope it''s that he wants to marry you and you want to marry him. and I hope you like the ring.

hugs!
Sum

 

[stacyQ]

Yeah, I know I am being overdramatic...... and he IS clueless, but not all of the time. There were some things he said that led me to believe that the proposal was going to be in Napa, so that is why that is disappointing.

I know what marriage is all about, we have a rock solid relationship, but I guess I just thought that when it came to this issue, he would want to make it special, and it doesn''t *seem* that it is worth the time of effort to him. I am not saying it isn''t, but just that it seems that way.

 

[stacyQ]

Sumbride- thanks, and you are right, it is a little bit of all of the above. That is exactly why I told him to cancel the ring order, because I need some time to cool down. We have talked about what I wanted and how I wanted things to happen, but that didn''t make a difference to him. And I specifically told him NOT to inquire about my sister''s ring for reason, and he ignored that request ( I feel that some of this he brought on himself).

 

[Mara]

well MAYBE it will be in Napa and he is throwing you off the scent? if he isn''t that clueless, then you never know...maybe you are freaking out for nothing.

i guess i just hear a lot in here about what YOU want...you told him what you want, how you want it to be, what not to do, what to do...let the guy breathe a little.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 7/6/2006 2:53:37 PM
Author:stacyQ
WHO THE HELL TELLS THEIR GIRLFRIEND THAT THEY ORDERED HER A RING AND RIGHT AFTER THAT SAYS HER SISTER GOT ONE THAT IS BIGGER?????

Someone who knew she had a 2 ct, probably couldn''t afford a 2 ct, and didn''t want you to feel bad?

 

[stacyQ]

Julie- LOL! You are so right, but how does telling me tht make me excited to see MY ring? It is really an issue about timing. I would find out about her ring eventually, but he didn''t have to tell me right then and kind of spoil the excitement over mine.

It just sucks.

 

[aljdewey]

I'm going to be very candid here, and I offer this from the most well-intentioned place I have.

I think you need to really look at who he is.....who is honestly IS....and determine if that will ultimately make you happy. He sounds like a no frills, practical, get-it-done, non-flowery type of guy. He gets the job done, but not with the kind of fanfare you seem to want. If you want Prince Charming, and you're going to be disappointed and that he's not Prince Charming.....well, it's time to admit that to yourself now. If you're going to focus more on who he's not (whether that's comparing him to the ideal in your head or to your sister's BF, etc.) and finding fault with that instead of embracing who he is, then you should really think twice before marrying him.

Here's what I see: He told you he'd propose within a year of 9/1/2005....and it seems as though he's keeping his word. He started looking at rings a few months ago.....again, keeping his word. He knows (because you told him) that you might resent a ring smaller than your sister's, so he tries to find out what that is (to make you happy). When he finds out that your sister's ring is bigger by a LOT....much more than he's prepared to do.... he tries to reassure you that your ring is of better quality (presumably to help you feel good about the ring). He's trying his best to get it right, and you're finding fault.

You're upset because you speculated (wrongly) about where the proposal would occur, and now your disappointment is his fault. You're upset that the ring isn't done now, but he stil has a full two months left on his promise. You're upset that your sister's BF was more "romantic" than yours.

Part of the equation of you being happy lies with you. You're concentrating more on comparing him and yourself against others (who will have the bigger ring, which boyfriend is more romantic, etc), and if you focus on that, you'll never be happy. Someone else's boyfriend will always be more romantic. Someone else's ring will always be bigger.

If you love him, then you have to accept who he is and find a way to be happy with that. Ok, he's not going to whisk you away to the Eiffel Tower. It's not going to be like a 3-hanky movie. But he's sincere, and he loves you. Only you can decide if that is enough.

For what it's worth, my (now) husband proposed to me in our apartment after we'd spent all Sunday having a late breakfast and watching movies all day long. No dinner, no candles, no fanfare. Did I care? Nope....I was just thrilled he asked me to be his wife and that he wanted to spend his life with me.

A few months went by, and I was telling him about some of the proposal stories here on PS. He looked stricken, and said "I didn't even think to do something like that. My thinking was, I wanted a quiet moment between just us, and I felt so close to you that day. We'd spent the whole day together, enjoying each other's company, and I knew that was how I wanted my life to be from now on." From my perspective...he did absolutely the right thing.

ETA: When I started typing this reply, no one had replied yet. Now I post it, and yet again, Mara and I are spot on the same page. Love it. Hehehhehee Ditto EVERYTHING she said.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/6/2006 3:15:21 PM
Author: stacyQ

I know what marriage is all about, we have a rock solid relationship, but I guess I just thought that when it came to this issue, he would want to make it special, and it doesn't *seem* that it is worth the time of effort to him. I am not saying it isn't, but just that it seems that way.

I don't see that at all. What I see, he doesn't think like YOU. That's a guy for you.

FYI, most guys assume that the very act of asking you to marry them IS special.

If you're going to interpret that as "it doesn't seem worth his time or effort"......well, WOW. That's really harsh. I gotta say, I kind of feel bad for him.

Stacy, if you have very specific expectations, you'd be better off telling him exactly what those are so he knows what you want. He's a GUY. He doesn't THINK like you. The sooner you accept that and stop reading into it, the happier you'll be. Truly.

 

[stacyQ]

Yeah, I agree with everything you guys are saying, but knowing all of this doesn''t make the "intangibles" any easier to deal with, and that is why I post here. To get my reality check. I know he has good intentions. And all I ever told him was that I wanted it to be special, and from I have seen so far, it isn''t going to be (note: special does not mean fanfare necessarily, it could be just like how AL described, it is the THOUGHT that counts).

So, I guess I am really upset at the lack of thought.

 

[stacyQ]

Date: 7/6/2006 3:48:57 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 7/6/2006 3:15:21 PM
Author: stacyQ

I know what marriage is all about, we have a rock solid relationship, but I guess I just thought that when it came to this issue, he would want to make it special, and it doesn''t *seem* that it is worth the time of effort to him. I am not saying it isn''t, but just that it seems that way.

I don''t see that at all. What I see, he doesn''t think like YOU. That''s a guy for you.

FYI, most guys assume that the very act of asking you to marry them IS special.

If you''re going to interpret that as ''it doesn''t seem worth his time or effort''......well, WOW. That''s really harsh. I gotta say, I kind of feel bad for him.

Stacy, if you have very specific expectations, you''d be better off telling him exactly what those are so he knows what you want. He''s a GUY. He doesn''t THINK like you. The sooner you accept that and stop reading into it, the happier you''ll be. Truly.

Oh, I have told him what I wanted and in plain language, he doesn''t seem to listen. This isn''t worth breaking a good relationship over, but I still think I have a right to be upset.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/6/2006 3:20:51 PM
Author: stacyQ
Sumbride- thanks, and you are right, it is a little bit of all of the above. That is exactly why I told him to cancel the ring order, because I need some time to cool down. We have talked about what I wanted and how I wanted things to happen, but that didn''t make a difference to him. And I specifically told him NOT to inquire about my sister''s ring for reason, and he ignored that request ( I feel that some of this he brought on himself).

Here''s what I''m hearing: What *I* wanted. How *I* wanted things. *I* told him........

What I''m not hearing? We. That thing that makes a marriage work.

If you will be unhappy with anything that isn''t exactly how you want it, then perhaps you should arrange the purchase of the ring, and you should make the arrangements for the proposal details, and tell him exactly what he is to do.

Of course, that kills the element of surprise, so you have to decide which is more important to you. Surprise or getting precisely what you want.

 

[stacyQ]

Date: 7/6/2006 3:59:12 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 7/6/2006 3:20:51 PM
Author: stacyQ
Sumbride- thanks, and you are right, it is a little bit of all of the above. That is exactly why I told him to cancel the ring order, because I need some time to cool down. We have talked about what I wanted and how I wanted things to happen, but that didn''t make a difference to him. And I specifically told him NOT to inquire about my sister''s ring for reason, and he ignored that request ( I feel that some of this he brought on himself).

Here''s what I''m hearing: What *I* wanted. How *I* wanted things. *I* told him........

What I''m not hearing? We. That thing that makes a marriage work.

If you will be unhappy with anything that isn''t exactly how you want it, then perhaps you should arrange the purchase of the ring, and you should make the arrangements for the proposal details, and tell him exactly what he is to do.

Of course, that kills the element of surprise, so you have to decide which is more important to you. Surprise or getting precisely what you want.

Ummm, we have *we* talks too, on ithis issue, I was trying to give him the heads up on a family situation that might spoil my fun. I was honestly just trying to make things easier for him.

 

[stacyQ]

You know what guys- thanks for all of the input, but please don't bother anymore. I was looking for some real objective advice about being disappointed that something important you were told was going to happen didn't and dealing with that. Most of what I am getting from you people is that I should be grateful that he even wants to propose to me at all and that I should be thankful for any little scrap he throws me. I love my boyfriend and he is a wonderful man (which I have said), but sometimes even the greatest people disappoint others, and I was looking for guidance on how to deal, not a bunch of judgments on my fitness to be proposed to and assumptions that I don't know what a real relationship consists of or what makes a marriage work. I don't need all of the negativity. So just forget I even asked.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/6/2006 3:53:12 PM
Author: stacyQ

And all I ever told him was that I wanted it to be special, and from I have seen so far, it isn''t going to be (note: special does not mean fanfare necessarily, it could be just like how AL described, it is the THOUGHT that counts).

So, I guess I am really upset at the lack of thought.

All you told him was that you wanted it to be special? So then special doesn''t have to mean Napa, right? So why are you so upset?

How do you know it *isn''t* going to be special? My guess: because you''re already made up your mind that what he''s going to do isn''t good enough.

FYI......to me, what my husband did was special. But to many others, it wouldn''t be. So saying "I want something special" isn''t really specific enough, in my humble opinion.

Maybe a way to salvage it would be to think of what would make you happy -- in detail....dinner, walk on the beach, whatever -- and tell him exactly that.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/6/2006 4:10:08 PM
Author: stacyQ
Most of what I am getting from you people is that I should be grateful that he even wants to propose to me at all and that I should be thankful for any little scrap he throws me.

That's not at all what I see anyone here saying......but if that's how you choose to interpret it, your call.

I love my boyfriend and he is a wonderful man (which I have said), but sometimes even the greatest people disappoint others, and I was looking for guidance on how to deal, not a bunch of judgments on my fitness to be proposed to and assumptions that I don't know what a real relationship consists of or what makes a marriage work. I don't need all of the negativity. So just forget I even asked.

I think that's what people are giving you, Stacy....but maybe just not in the way you had hoped to hear it.

How to deal with the disappointment? Focus on what's really important. He wants to marry you, and at the end of it all, you'll be engaged. Let go of the little control details and focus on the big picture. That's my suggestion on how to deal with the disappointment. It's inevitable that you will each disappoint the other at times, so having to find a way to deal with it is part of the package.

As you said, he's a wonderful guy....who has disappointed you. Acknowledged. Now it's time to find a way to get over being disappointed, which I think means letting it go.

Good luck.

 

[Mara]

Ditto Al. Life disappoints us all the time, but we move on. Consider yourself lucky that you found a man you adore and want to be married to and he feels the same way. Honestly, not everyone has that. I don''t think it''s ''scraps'' to be happy with what you have found and also be happy with what he IS doing for you, within your timeline. Life isn''t about having the ''dream'' all the time. Good luck.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/6/2006 4:33:28 PM
Author: Mara
Ditto Al. Life disappoints us all the time, but we move on. Consider yourself lucky that you found a man you adore and want to be married to and he feels the same way. Honestly, not everyone has that. I don''t think it''s ''scraps'' to be happy with what you have found and also be happy with what he IS doing for you, within your timeline. Life isn''t about having the ''dream'' all the time. Good luck.

True that!!!

He seems to be doing the right things just not in your time frame or the way you envision it. Life is so much more than the proposal, the wedding etc.. Focus on the fact that you found a wonderful man to spend the rest of your life with. That''s the best gift ever.

 

[Mandarine]

I can understand being dissapointed when you think it *might* happen on a specific day....but from there to some of the things you are mentioning I have to agree with the others...let him breath!...

It is hard to go to a special vacation or have a special da come around and not be wondering "what if this is it!".....believe me, been there done that!. But don''t over-react to this. I hear my BF''s friends talking about ways that some girls put so much pressure and it really does make this whole experience a terrible one for the guy. 1) Because he doesn''t want to dissapoint her, 2) Because he has to do things on "her" way, 3) Because no matter what the girl will be dissapointed.

I have swore to myself that I won''t become one of "those" girls...even though sometimes I do grow a little impatient!, but I always try to put myself in my BF''s shoes and realize that I just need to chill and enjoy what we have today.....

I would just say, he knows what you want, let him surprise you...and don''t assume he won''t try it to make it special. You don''t want to take out the will in him to make it as special as he would like to make it...

M~

 

[rainbowtrout]

wow, you sound disturbingly like me when I''m being moderately hysterical..I''m not saying you''re going haywire here, just noting the similarity.

I think that the advice about honestly evaluating *who* this guy you are living with really is at heart is spot on. What does he do to show you he cares aout you, and how is it different from what you might expect? People often do for others what makes themselves feel best (I cook for people, my mother cleans for people, some people try to "fix" things, etc). He might just not be a propose-in-Napa kind of guy, but does he fix the toilet at 3AM?

What I do when I get like this is to make a list, sit down and have a look at it and decide what I have a "right" to be upset about and what I can expect to change. Then I tell my guy the list, but I say X-Z are things I am being totally IRRATIONAL about but I have to get them off my chest. A-C are things I would like you to change. I started doing it this way because even if I didn''t have a reason I would stay angry about the irrational things unless I told him.

Also, sometimes men surprise you with this stuff. Just my two cents.

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 7/6/2006 5:13:11 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
wow, you sound disturbingly like me when I''m being moderately hysterical..I''m not saying you''re going haywire here, just noting the similarity.

I think that the advice about honestly evaluating *who* this guy you are living with really is at heart is spot on. What does he do to show you he cares aout you, and how is it different from what you might expect? People often do for others what makes themselves feel best (I cook for people, my mother cleans for people, some people try to ''fix'' things, etc). He might just not be a propose-in-Napa kind of guy, but does he fix the toilet at 3AM?

What I do when I get like this is to make a list, sit down and have a look at it and decide what I have a ''right'' to be upset about and what I can expect to change. Then I tell my guy the list, but I say X-Z are things I am being totally IRRATIONAL about but I have to get them off my chest. A-C are things I would like you to change. I started doing it this way because even if I didn''t have a reason I would stay angry about the irrational things unless I told him.

Also, sometimes men surprise you with this stuff. Just my two cents.

That sounds just like a book called the 5 Languages of Love...or something like that. So true!

The whole book just discusses how people feel loved in different ways. A guy might give flowers thinking that would make his girl happy, when in reality maybe the only thing that was going to make her happy was for him to write her a card!. So in a relationship you have to be clear on which actions make you feel happy/loved so your SO doesn''t go on thinking that he is making you happy by doing something that in reality you could live without.

M~

 

[rainbowtrout]

I wanted to add that the whole engagement thing just brings out the worst in some personalities--mine def. included. I behaved like a spoiled brat FAR too much, oh yessir I did. I think it was the losing control, honestly. And I couldn''t bloody help it. So I get what you''re going through here, and I do sympathize. Just realize there are special circumstances

 

[E B]

Stacy,

I know you're feeling as if this experience has been kind of a disappointment, and I agree, it sounds like it has been. But, to be fair to your guy, it does sound like he's trying.

I won't echo everyone else as people are allowed to have freak-outs every now and then, but here's what I would do if I were you: Call your BF (calmly) and tell him you're sorry for overreacting (even if you felt like you didn't). Tell him that you'll love whatever ring he gives you, but you'd rather the ring be a surprise (no details, that includes carat size). Tell him whenever he proposes will be the perfect time, but you'd rather that be a surprise too.

It's pressure, waiting for a proposal. Boys aren't wired like girls are, and sometimes, they have to be clumsy before they get it. My FI has stumbled many a time and so have I; it's the process of getting to know each other. Take a deep breath and know that a ring has been ordered (or will be shortly), and please remember, your sister's 2 carat is no more special than yours will be.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/6/2006 2:53:37 PM
Author:stacyQ
Curious about how you guys would react in my situation. I have been living with my bf for about two years, and he kind of 'unofficially' proposed to me just as long ago. We have a great relationship, he is my best friend and for the most part a sensitive guy, but still harbors the clueless gene and has stepped on my feelings more than once (remember my talking to the ex girlfriend behind my back thread??? He cut off all contact with her, btw). Once, last September, he told me he didn't think getting married was a good idea anymore. I told him if that was the case, then he should move out and we need to take a break from the relationship. He changed his tune and told me that wasn't what he wanted, that he loved me and that he would propose to me within a year (from Sept 1 2005).


So he finally starting looking at rings a couple of months ago and I was SURE that he would propose on our upcoming trip to Napa valley at the end of this month (perfect place, right?) Well come to find out, he hasn't even ordered a ring, didn't know that it would take like a month to make, and was just planning on giving it to me when he got it. No romantic Napa valley proposal, no fanfare, nothing.

To make matters worse, two days ago I found out that my younger sister's (the one I don't get along with) bf of one year proposed to her over a romantic dinner, and I was crushed because he did it spontaneously and I feel like I have had to nag the hell out of my boyfriend to even look at a ring. To make matters EVEN worse, my boyfriend called my mother and told her that he was going to propose to me and wanted to know what my sister's ring looked like (I did NOT want to know, and I told him that the reason I did NOT want to know was because if it hers was bigger, I might be a little resentful and that isn't right, besides I never see her anyways) so he wouldn't duplicate it. So now my parents are expecting me to be engaged soon. So, he ordered me a ring with a 1 ct. center stone, called me and told me what he ordered, and then told me IMMEDIATELY after that my sister had a large 2 ct. ring, but that he thinks mine is better quality (even though he has been kind of cheaply nickel and diming me on the ring issue the whole way, and he keeps telling me to pick out rings that are cheaper). WHO THE HELL TELLS THEIR GIRLFRIEND THAT THEY ORDERED HER A RING AND RIGHT AFTER THAT SAYS HER SISTER GOT ONE THAT IS BIGGER?????

I am pissed, hurt, and resentful because he ruined my surprise, put no thought into the process of proposing, and rubbed salt in the wouds by telling me that someone else's was bigger (not to mention, more well thought out and executed). I told him to cancel the ring- that this process has become so stressful and ugly for me that I don't want to do it until I can get a grip and be happy about the whole thing.

What would yo do??????

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon here and address the same issues that other posters have. I'm going to toss in my $.02 and give you my take on things, based on what you've said in this post:

This man, who you love, has unofficially proposed to you. Proposing, even unofficially, means to me that he is intending to marry you.

To have him turn around and say: 'um, I don't think I want to get married anymore' would be devastating. You responded by suggesting the two of you 'take a break' from the relationship, because it's clear that you do want to get married, and if he doesn't, he is wasting your time. There's nothing wrong with that view; I personally would prefer to live with my partner without having to marry him, but I understand that marriage is very important to some people.

Then, when faced with the prospect of losing you, he backpeddalled and said 'that wasn't what he wanted, that he loved me and that he would propose to me within a year.'

I'm not sure what I think of someone who promised a proposal they didn't want just so his girlfriend won't leave him. Am I totally reading this wrong?

So your boyfriend is already in the doghouse, but has promised a proposal in an effort to get out of the doghouse. You said "I feel like I have had to nag the hell out of my boyfriend to even look at a ring." This does not sound like a man who is doing everything in his power to convince his wife-to-be that he really DOES want to marry her, DESPITE his previous claim that he didn't want to get married.

It doesn't matter if he isn't a romantic type. He's got some lost ground to recover, and he doesn't seem to be making much headway. It really seems like he is doing all this ring/proposal/marriage stuff really grudgingly. You have expectations of him, and you made those expectations clear. I don't feel like there is anything wrong with that; your boyfriend of 2 years should know you pretty well by now, and know what things are important to you. If he feels those expectations are excessive, unfair, or beyond his means, he needs to communicate that. That's what being in a relationship is about, communicating and being considerate of the other person, and giving them a reality check when they need it. If you can't give him what he wants, and he can't give you want you want, I'd suggest having a real soul-search about whether this is the man you want to make a life with. Is this a fundamental personality conflict? If this isn't something he is willing/able to change, are you ready to be disappointed and hurt for the next 60 years?

I personally would be leery of a proposal made because my boyfriend didn't want to break up.

Edit: I also want to add that the overall gist I got from your post was: "ARRRGH! *vent* RARGH! *blows off steam* GRRRR!" and therefore wasn't inclined to be too harsh. PS is a place that many people come to in order to vent their frustrations, and the 'drama' of your post seemed to be a prime example of someone doing so. Sometimes a girl has just gotta vent, especially when it comes to huge stress-triggers like engagements. You're facing a serious, important choice in your life, and you feel like your BF isn't holding up his end of the bargain. I'd be upset too. When I'm feeling like that, I go to my female friends who listen to my incoherent ranting, defuse my distress, and then address the issue at hand. It's not about being perfect, it's about being human and working with it to the best of your ability.

 

[ephemery1]

This seems like another classic situation of "it''s hard to offer advice on someone else''s behavior when we haven''t heard that person''s side of the story, and sometimes a post comes across differently than the poster intended".

Stacy, I can''t judge your boyfriend''s behavior because it''s not totally clear to me. He may just be a typical clueless guy who isn''t overly thoughtful about things, and in that case, his personality probably isn''t going to change... it may be something you just have to adjust to. Or he may be resentful of your engagement deadline, and expressing that by dragging his feet and doing all this half-heartedly.

Either way, all you can do is be honest about what disappoints you... with him, not just with us here on Pricescope. Is it possible you are more resentful of your sister''s engagement than you realize? And you''re taking that out a bit on your boyfriend?

If you would be happier with a larger diamond, have you considered contributing to the cost of the ring yourself? That can sometimes be a good compromise. But if you were just hoping for some romance/thoughtfulness injected into all this... then let him know that... nicely. Your two definitions of romance may be totally different. Communicate, communicate, communicate... that''s the best advice I''ve got!

 

[decodelighted]

"Cancel the order?" "Never mind I don''t want your advice!"

S-L-O-W D-O-W-N girlfriend! This is just a lil'' freak out. We have BEEN THERE! Swear it!

Just ''cause the general advice sounds down-to-earth, reasoned etc doesn''t mean we''ve never been exactly where you are right now ... with HIGH expectations & NO tolerance left.

Calm down.
Big picture = you''re actually getting MOST of what you want.
Life ain''t fairy tale-ish all the time (even if other people''s lives SEEM so on the outside)
Would you really want HER fiance even if he does comes with a 2 carat ring ...
Didn''t think so.

The timing about your sister''s engagement ring/finding out etc - SUCKS - sure! But honestly, how much power you let that have over you IS UP TO YOU.

NO ONE IS SAYING you should "take scraps": unless you consider "scraps" to be a one carat ring + proposal from a man you love & loves you.

Coping w/ & getting past dissapointment isn''t just a relationship issue - it''s a life issue. In the long run I think you''ll find that hasty declarations & fits won''t really get you what you want.

Do keep venting though - here or with friends -- just not too much at HIM.

 

[RoseAngel04]

Stacie - I am sorry that you feel like ppl here at PS are somewhat attacking you. I think (and hope) that all the women/men on here have the best intentions with their words, and aren''t wishing you to be hurt by what they say etc. It''s very hard to understand one''s tone through communication via the internet.

I understand that you seem a little jealous that you''re younger sister, who has also not been with her bf as long, recently got engaged. I believe you said that ya''ll aren''t close or hardly see each other, but I really think you need to be happy for her! She has found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and even if it hurts you (which I think is COMPLETELY understandable) you should put on the happy face and congratulate her. I would imagine that in time reality will settle and you honestly will be happy for her. So look at it this way, if things go as planned ya''ll can swap wedding ideas!!

I hope that you start feeling better about your situation, and that you haven''t been turned off by feeling bombarded with suggestions you weren''t hoping for!

Hang in there!

 

[TravelingGal]

Stacy,I didn''t read it as people saying you needed to be happy with any scraps thrown your way. But I do see that if your bf is a scrappy kind of guy, you might have to live with the fact that he may be a scrappy kind of proposer, fiance, and husband.

My man is Mr. Super Scrappy sometimes. And what''s worse is that I''m related to Mr. Really Romantic, so there is quite the comparison!

My brother the romantic had the most amazing proposal ever. It was a daylong event! Her dream was to do her artistic graduate study in Australia but decided to stay to be with him. He always felt terrible, so he "gave" her Australia. He spent two weeks making laminated scrapbook cards in the shape of australia with different aspects of their life displayed and sprinkled them around various sites around the city for her to "find". He designed an amazing artistic piece called "Two hearts" and actually convinced an art gallery in L.A. to hang it so it would be there with a message when they walked through. They love to surf so he proposed to her in the water in a little cove and had someone set up a video camera to tape the whole thing. Finally, when they came back to his house, we had decorated it to be a tropical australian rainforest complete with someone dressed up as a croc for a surprise party. There was actually more but I don''t remember the details. The whole thing bordered on crazy.

And you know what? This is a guy who on EVERY valentine''s day gave me and my mother roses because he didn''t want us to feel left out on that day. I''d find them on my doorstep with a card from him! He gave her that amazing proposal because he obviously has some weird mutato gene that drives him to thoughtful gestures.

My man, Mr. Scrappy didn''t even do much in the planning of the ring. When he picked it up from the appraiser, I just kept thinking "Please don''t let him throw the ring at me and say ''Here you go.''" I just wanted him to ask me, in any way shape or form. Simple.

Well stupid Scrappy man came home and chucked the ring at me in the fed ex package and said those exact words.

Of course it was a JOKE but now forever in my mind, my first proposal was a flashback of a fed-ex package being hurled at my head!

I did tell him that it made me sad, even though it was a joke. You''d think that maybe then he''d try to make it up to me? No...he is Mr. Scrappy and I knew that going into this. That night we went to our reception restaurant to do the tasting. I had a feeling he had the ring with him (which he did) and would propose on the beach, but he didn''t. That would have been my perfect proposal,but he later told me that it felt too "cheesy". Instead late that evening when I was in my jammies in my office, he popped in with the ring box on the end of a cricket bat (his attempt at adding an Aussie twist) and got on one knee...

And I could see it was a heartfelt proposal. It was who he was and he was doing it in the best way he knew how.

I cried, laughed, wiped the snot off my nose and agreed to become Mrs. Super Scrappy.

 

[ladykemma]

expectations are premeditated resentments.

us wimmen are experts at the "you are supposed to be all knowing and intuitive and read our mind" when they are in their own world and haven't a clue. Men are probbaly thinking "(grunt) hungry, what's that look on her face, happy, going fishing tomorrow, content, beer, burp, hungry", whlie we are off having a festering internal conniption fit .

I'm married to mr scrappy, also. he proposed on the couch, we shopped for an excellent ring together and he gave it to me in the parking lot.