What would you do?

[CNYHopeful]

I found out today that my job is probably cutting all medical benefits this year since we took on a major financial hit this past week (a vocational school that rents the offices is cutting its contract due to budget cuts and our parish relies heavily upon that income to pay our salaries). All staff will lose their medical and dental benefits unless we are able to rent out to another program. FI and I will not move in together until we are married by the Church.

My FI's company does not provide benefits to non-legally bound spouses. So, we were discussing the possibility of getting a civil marriage by the judge just for the benefits and not move in together or "act as a married couple" until we have our wedding in the church next May. If you were to have a "shotgun" wedding would you tell any family/friends or keep it a secret? If you would share the info, who would you tell? Know of anyone in a similar situation? How did they handle it?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

In my honest opinion, if you do not consider yourself married until you are married by a priest, I see nothing wrong with being legally married for the benefits before what you consider your real marriage. That being said, I would not wait a full year (until next May) to get married in the church. That really is just too much time between the legal and spiritual ceremonies.

Is it possible to be married in a private ceremony by a priest and consider the May wedding a vow renewal or public celebration? Is it possible to move up the church ceremony?

If not, then maybe you can find an alternative for medical insurance.

If you don''t mind me asking, why are you waiting until May to get married if you are ready to be legally married right now?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

oh I didn''t really answer the question. I''m sorry.


I don''t know anyone in this situation, but if I was in this situation, I would not keep it a secret, especially from my parents. I don''t think you owe it to anyone, but I know that personally, I could not get "married" in front of my family and closest friends without telling them the truth. I would feel like it was a fake wedding if I lied about it. That is just how I feel, not how I think other people should feel.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think you should tell whoever you feel comfortable telling, whether that''s just your parents or no one at all. I think under the current economic circumstances, people really should understand why you would need to do this (although of course no one should go without insurance coverage if they can help it).

 

[CNYHopeful]

Thank you, GP, for your responses. I agree that waiting a whole year + if we were to go ahead with a civil marriage would not be ideal, but under circumstances, that is what we would probably do.

Is it possible to be married in a private ceremony by a priest and consider the May wedding a vow renewal or public celebration? Is it possible to move up the church ceremony?

The vow renewal is certainly an option and one that many couples would probably consider. We have already set the date with the church and put the down payment on the reception hall. We chose this for a couple of reasons:
1) FI and I decided on a longer engagement because he is working towards hisprofessional liscensing exam in the Fall and he needs to prepare a comprehensive work history on every project he''s done over the past 4 years at his company this spring. We opted on planning for May 2010 so that the big celebration doesn''t coincide with this time-consumming process (he''s a groom who wishes to be involved in the wedding planning process).

2) Winter is out because much of my family is out of state and Central NY winters travel conditions are horrendous!

3) We want to really give plenty of time to marriage prep and Natural Family Planning courses which deepen self-revelation and nurture the relationship for a strong life-long marriage. We wouldn''t want to just rush into it for the sake of getting it done, we really take this stuff seriously.


If you don''t mind me asking, why are you waiting until May to get married if you are ready to be legally married right now?
Yes, we''d be ready to be legally married by name right now, but that would be cheating us out of our intended time frame. We really believe that the engagement period is an important time in a couple''s relationship and want to enjoy it while we can. Only reason why we''d consider rushing the legal portion is due to circumstances out of our control. Without medical insurance, I''d be paying out of pocket for any coverage that might come up and that''s much higher than I''m able to afford on my own. FI knows that even though our incomes won''t be combined until we''re married, that any extra expenses either of us accrue (on top of our current bills) affects both of us. If anyone knows of other options to take care of medical insurance, I''d welcome that.

All of this is only hypothetical right now, but it''s something we want to have a plan for in the event that all my insurance benefits are taken away.

 

[lurkinglurker]

I used this company for short term health insurance between college and working. http://www.assuranthealth.com/corp/ah/ I remember it being affordable for what is basically a catastrophic plan that would cover you if you had a major health event (i.e. emergency surgery but not elective). It is not an answer if you have considerable routine medical costs. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Thanks Lurkinglurker! I''ll have to check it out. The emergency coverage would probably help since I really only end up at the doc''s once a year (occasional cold), so that might be the way to go.

Amber, thanks for your sharing as well.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

CNY, I also got short-term coverage..although I think mine is only for about 6 mos not sure how much longer you can go past that so that doesn''t exactly help your situation, but again I recommend checking into that. Sorry you''re in such a tough spot!

I think the legal marriage is fine if you''re comfortable with it...do whatever you''re comfortable with...but I wouldn''t try to keep it from my close family and friends. I''d tell them because I wouldn''t feel right keeping it from them..I''d feel like I was lying, but that''s just me...you don''t have to do what I would do go with what you''re comfortable with.

 

[Diamond Confused]

I think the best solution is to get your own insurance. If you are under 30, Blue Cross provides a plan called Tonik which includes dental, some vision coverage and Rx.

 

[katamari]

Date: 4/22/2009 1:23:04 AM
Author: Diamond Confused
I think the best solution is to get your own insurance. If you are under 30, Blue Cross provides a plan called Tonik which includes dental, some vision coverage and Rx.

Ditto. Especially since the ceremony itself seems very important and symbolic to you, I would be afraid you would loose something (or feel like you lost something) if it wasn''t your actual marriage. It works for some people to do the wedding and the legal marriage separate, but not everyone. Yes, insurance is expensive, but from your posts, it seems to me like the cost would be worth it to keep your ceremony as your marriage.

 

[Clairitek]

I am attending a wedding on May 9th of two people who are already married. The only people that don''t know they are already married are their families. They are very much looking forward to making public vows and are treating it as if its their first wedding (the had a civil ceremony almost two years ago). They got married for the same reason you''re considering it- benefits.

If you are really worried about how you''ll feel about the ceremony next May then I wouldn''t go through with it. I''d hate to have you feel like you''re ''faking it'' the second time around.