What would you do? Negativity from best friend :-(

[ImpatientOne]

Sorry this is long, but I am boiling and getting ready to confront my supposed best friend!

Tonight I think I about hit my breaking point with her. She has been my best friend for more than 10 years. Our lives have pretty much paralled each other's despite the fact that I am 10 years older than her. We have been each others rock through thick and thin over the years.

Shortly after I started dating my bf, she started dating someone new. After she had been dating her bf for a couple of months, she found out he lied, cheated, used her etc. Basically he just really burned her. She started to nit-pick about my bf, telling me all men are dogs, my bf can't be trusted etc. I just tuned her out. This continued all last spring and through the summer. She has NEVER had anything nice to say about my relationship with my bf, despite the fact that he has never done anything to warrant it. She says things in a semi-jokingly way, however I know she is serious. I figured once my bf and I started talking about marriage, she would see that our relationship is serious and solid and he is a good guy afterall, then maybe she would stop the nit-picking. Well, she hasn't

A several weeks ago I had narrowed down my ring choices to three and wanted some input from friends and family. I have an email list of my "girls" and everyone but my best friend responded. Last weekend my bf got pulled for extra duty (he's in the military) so I went out with my best friend for a drink. She immediately started quizzing me as to why my bf hasn't proposed yet and why he wasn't with me that night. When I told her he was waiting for the ring to propose she said, "Whatever" and then I told her had extra duty all weekend and she responded with, "I've dated plenty of military men and NONE of them ever had to do extra "duty" - that doesn't even seem right!-HMMMMM".

When I told her we were going to Hawaii and getting married there, she asked why we had to pick Hawaii, how she hates Hawaii, why couldn't I get married somewhere else, anywhere but Hawaii etc. I calmly told her that is where my husband-to-be and I wanted to go and this is supposed to be about the two of us, not anyone else.

Last night I sent out pics of my finished ring to my "girls" list. Again, no repsonse from best friend. Tonight she calls doesn't say anything about the ring being nice, pretty etc, just asks if I am able to wear it now and I told her "not until he officially proposes". Best friend (semi-jokingly) goes into this tirade about, "What the He!! is is waiting for? It's not like you don't know it's coming. Tell him to get his a$$ over there tonight and get down on one knee and propose". I told her that my bf is a romantic and I'm sure he wants it to be special and I want it to be special too and she tells me, "Thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" I said, "Look, this is not about you! It's about me and him and I think that it's sweet that he wants to make it special." She went on to say, "yeah, whatever-well I wouldn't put up with that!"

What do you do ladies, when your best friend is letting her jealousy come between you? I mean, this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life - I am about to marry the man of my dreams, and she is not happy for me - all I get is negativity! She came out and told me the other night that she really is jealous, that it sould be her getting married,not me. She wants to fly to Hawaii for my wedding, saying she can't miss it, all the while telling me how much she hates Hawaii (even though she's never been there).

I sooooo just want to call her up and tell her that if she is going to continue with the negativity I cannot be around her right now. If she wants to share in my joy, fine, but I don't want to deal with her negativity. Seems like she is so unhappy that she doesn't want anyone around her to be happy

Sorry if I've rambled on here, I am just so disgusted right now and know I need to confront her. BTW, she is no young girl- she is a 35 year old woman!

Any words of wisdom??? How do I best handle her without destroying our friendship?

 

[monarch64]

Aww, I''m not a LIW, Impatientone, but I can tell you that as someone who''s had a bF for 10 yrs. and still going strong, that this is NOT the way a BF shoud ACT! A BF should be your cheerleader, your confidante, your shoulder to cry on when times are tough, not someone who constantly makes you feel like you''re making wrong decisions!

Sounds like you''re older, kinda the mom in this relationship, and that you need to tell her she needs to calm down or back off on her opinions as far as who''s right or worthy for you. She''s acting like a child and if you''re willing to sustain this relationship, you need to let her know right now that her behavior is unacceptable. Sorry to be blunt, but she is not being a good friend, or a best friend to you at all. She''s sucking your energy at this point, especially if you are seeking the advice of strangers about this predicament (which is not a bad thing, just one of those things we do when we don''t really want to share the bad things that go on in our lives with others who might be burdened.) Take care, and good luck.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Monarch,, I know she is not acting like a good best friend right now!!! You''re right, she should be my biggest cheerleader, not trying to drag me down

She suffers from depression, and in the past when she has gotten into the negative mood cycle I have tried to be supportive by giving her plenty of space.

Right now I feel like I am at a crossroads with her. I love her like a younger sister, but I am not going to let her try to rain on my parade.

 

[poptart]

My friend did something a little similar to what yours is doing, except all the negativity was directed at me, and how stupid I was being in my own wedding planning. She basically tried to replan my wedding for me so that it would be "better". Unfortunately, she was my maid of honor BEFORE she started acting this way, so I couldn''t un-ask her, ya know? Anyway, long story short... we really aren''t friends anymore. My MIL often tells me the rude things she has said about me recently, and at this point I don''t even care to talk to her at all. She only calls or emails me when she wants something, so what''s the point? There are no magic words that are going to make your friend happy for you, and if she is admittedly jealous (and obviously still hurting from the previous relationship), there is no real way for you to "fix" it or make it better. I know that one of the reasons my friend and I had so many problems is that we had been through a lot when we were younger and she was also jealous of where I was in life and where she wanted to be. It sounds like your friend, as mine did, felt somewhat jilted. I suggest talking to her again and letting her get her feelings out on the table and then decide where to proceed from there. You obviously don''t want to lose her as a friend, but as the wedding gets closer the mean friends can turn downright nasty so I think you would want to deal with the problem as quickly as possible. In some way, I bet your friend is also worried that the same thing that happened to her may happen to you. Another thought that just popped into my head... if she is acting this way now and trying to cast doubts in your head, how do you think she will react when you get married and your husband goes on deployment? The last thing a lonely wife needs is a friend filling her head with bad thoughts, which she is already doing. Try to talk and work it out, but even friendships can eventually wear thin as people change, and you have to do what is best for the both of you.

*M*

PS I hope my post didn''t sound harsh or me telling you to just give up, because I don''t mean that... but of course my personal experiences influenced my post. My friend really hurt me with what she has said in the past, and I wouldn''t want someone to have to listen to the same things I am, and you are alreaady getting some of it! I really hope the two of you can work it out though!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/6/2006 10:59:16 PM
Author: ImpatientOne
Monarch,, I know she is not acting like a good best friend right now!!! You''re right, she should be my biggest cheerleader, not trying to drag me down

She suffers from depression, and in the past when she has gotten into the negative mood cycle I have tried to be supportive by giving her plenty of space.

Right now I feel like I am at a crossroads with her. I love her like a younger sister, but I am not going to let her try to rain on my parade.

Good, glad to hear you say that. Now pick yourself up and don''t continue to enable her, despite her depression. I''m all about caring and considerate friendship, but really, it''s not fair to you and she most likely knows that deep down, but is fighting her own demons and there is a remedy for that called Professional Counseling. Go and enjoy your fiance and your engagement and wedding, and don''t let her ruin it.

 

[diamondfan]

Bottom line, which I think you know already...she is not your friend right now. I am not going to speculate as to why, but clearly she has a lot of issues. Maybe being burned by her guy makes her unable to be happy, I do not know. But after ten plus years of friendship I would think she can get out of her own way and see that this is about you and not her, sorry, I just think she is really being selfish. I would, gently and nicely, pull away. Period. Let her notice and ask why. tell her, It seems you are not able to be happy for us and be a part of our plannings and so I think it best we take a bit of a break. This is one of the happiest times in my life and while I am sad you cannot be a part of my joy, I need to surround myself with people who are supportive. When you feel like you can do that, I am thrilled to share this time with you," (or words to that effect, I am just putting my own spin). Let her argue or tell you that she is not doing it, or explain why, but to me, it is clear and you do not need to have her rain on your parade. Sometimes a bit of tough love is warranted and needed to bring things back to the right place...good luck and I am sorry this is happening to you.

 

[diamondfan]

impatient, I used the phrase rain on your parade and I had not even read it in your reply! Too funny...

 

[Mara]

i''m sorry you have to deal with this from someone who is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader at this time!! jealousy can be an ugly thing...but i think we all experience it from time to time in our lives. you obviously have some serious history with her...so i would approach this with caution but i would be honest about it. i would say what others have said and what you said as well...this is supposed to be a happy time in your life and you are ecstatic to be marrying the man you adore. you are sorry that she has had this bad luck lately or whatever, bad relationship but you cannot deal anymore with this negativity from her. it hurts you and makes you not want to be around her. you want your best friend involved with you every step of the way but if she cannot be there for you, then you understand. but she has to be honest with herself and figure out if she can put aside her feelings right now and be there for you and be a great friend to you. if not, you will have to ask her not to be around you until she can deal with her own issues.

i would be really gentle about it but firm at the same time. i am sure she has no idea she is doing this to such an extent....she sounds very conflicted but that''s not your problem!! and right now you just don''t have the time/energy or whatever to deal with it. on one hand you could be helping her through it but on the other hand i think that she''s focusing on your happiness to grow her own bitterness and that is just flat out not healthy. sounds like she needs some time on her own to deal with her own issues and really reflect on what''s important.

some men are just bad. but one failed relationship with a loser means nothing in the long-term. it''s sad she is turning into this bitter woman based on this one relationship. chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. if you think she might be open to hearing that, i would say something along those lines as well. maybe she needs a reality check.

anyway good luck but you are not insane to want your BF to be ecstatic for you and want to help you and be happy to go to hawaii to see you get married. some might say to stick around and try to help her through it but really with everything you are about to have going on...i would not want to be dealing with trying to get my friend through her issues and plan a wedding/future life with my man. talk about conflicted. anyway good luck.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Excellent advice, ,diamondfan! My teenaged daughters even noticed the negativity and refer to as a "hater". She quizzed my 19 year old about the whereabouts of my boyfriend (he was working) and then made a comment to her. I am just at my wits end and do realize I need to talk to her soon.

 

[poptart]

Date: 12/7/2006 12:01:47 AM
Author: ImpatientOne
Excellent advice, ,diamondfan! My teenaged daughters even noticed the negativity and refer to as a ''hater''. She quizzed my 19 year old about the whereabouts of my boyfriend (he was working) and then made a comment to her. I am just at my wits end and do realize I need to talk to her soon.

Wow. Well THAT''S crossing the line.

*M*

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 12/6/2006 11:56:34 PM
Author: Mara
i''m sorry you have to deal with this from someone who is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader at this time!! jealousy can be an ugly thing...but i think we all experience it from time to time in our lives. you obviously have some serious history with her...so i would approach this with caution but i would be honest about it. i would say what others have said and what you said as well...this is supposed to be a happy time in your life and you are ecstatic to be marrying the man you adore. you are sorry that she has had this bad luck lately or whatever, bad relationship but you cannot deal anymore with this negativity from her. it hurts you and makes you not want to be around her. you want your best friend involved with you every step of the way but if she cannot be there for you, then you understand. but she has to be honest with herself and figure out if she can put aside her feelings right now and be there for you and be a great friend to you. if not, you will have to ask her not to be around you until she can deal with her own issues.

i would be really gentle about it but firm at the same time. i am sure she has no idea she is doing this to such an extent....she sounds very conflicted but that''s not your problem!! and right now you just don''t have the time/energy or whatever to deal with it. on one hand you could be helping her through it but on the other hand i think that she''s focusing on your happiness to grow her own bitterness and that is just flat out not healthy. sounds like she needs some time on her own to deal with her own issues and really reflect on what''s important.

some men are just bad. but one failed relationship with a loser means nothing in the long-term. it''s sad she is turning into this bitter woman based on this one relationship. chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. if you think she might be open to hearing that, i would say something along those lines as well. maybe she needs a reality check.

anyway good luck but you are not insane to want your BF to be ecstatic for you and want to help you and be happy to go to hawaii to see you get married. some might say to stick around and try to help her through it but really with everything you are about to have going on...i would not want to be dealing with trying to get my friend through her issues and plan a wedding/future life with my man. talk about conflicted. anyway good luck.

Dear Mara, your response made me cry!!! Everything you said are things I have already said to myself. This is just so hard- we have been friends for sooo long and both of us were single moms for all those years. For a long time I didn''t date at all, while she did date a lot. About two years ago I decided to jump back into the dating pool. I think maybe she figured I would never meet someone, I don''t know. I know she doesn''t want to be alone and maybe she is afraid that once I am married I won''t have time for our friendship. Regardless of what is going through her mind, you are right, I don''t need to deal with this while I am trying to plan a wedding. My soon-to-be husband will be leaving on deployment this summer thoughts of that bring enough stress to me

 

[diamondfan]

Let''s just say I am an empathetic person and not a hard ass, but I have major rule and that is do not mess with my kids. My own sister did and she is no longer in my life. (it was the end of a long road of crap, and this was the final straw, yes, but...do not play head trips or manipulate my kids, or put them in the midst of your drama. No way no how...) I think she is clearly not okay emotionally, be it jealousy because you have a great guy and she does not, or that she is scared of losing you (esp if you are like a mother figure to her, what is her relationship with her own mother currently?). Just seems best to be busy or occupied when she calls, and if you are around her and the wedding comes up, just smile and say "It''s under control, thanks for asking" and change the subject. If you continue to do that enough, I think she will get the hint...that she can be around you without involvement in the wedding plans, or she will not be allowed around if the negative shit storm keeps coming! Be strong, feel sorry for her, but do not let it harm you or your family...

 

[Kaleigh]

She sounds very insecure and a bit toxic. Best friends, or even friends should be happy for you and there for you no matter what. Sounds like she is very jealous and worried that once you''re married you won''t have time for her. If you care to continue this friendship as you do have a long history, I''d tell her how you are feeling. If she doesn''t get it, then she really isn''t what I call a best friend. Sorry you are dealing with this, when it''s supposed to be such a happy time in your life. Plus you are dealing with a deployment, and that''s hard enough. Good luck!!!!

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 12/7/2006 12:11:15 AM
Author: diamondfan
Let's just say I am an empathetic person and not a hard ass, but I have major rule and that is do not mess with my kids. My own sister did and she is no longer in my life. (it was the end of a long road of crap, and this was the final straw, yes, but...do not play head trips or manipulate my kids, or put them in the midst of your drama. No way no how...) I think she is clearly not okay emotionally, be it jealousy because you have a great guy and she does not, or that she is scared of losing you (esp if you are like a mother figure to her, what is her relationship with her own mother currently?). Just seems best to be busy or occupied when she calls, and if you are around her and the wedding comes up, just smile and say 'It's under control, thanks for asking' and change the subject. If you continue to do that enough, I think she will get the hint...that she can be around you without involvement in the wedding plans, or she will not be allowed around if the negative shit storm keeps coming! Be strong, feel sorry for her, but do not let it harm you or your family...

Yeah, I am the same way when it comes to my kids. Fortunately my daughter shut her down when she started with the comments, lol. She has had no contact with her own mother for over 10 years. She says her mother is evil and chooses not to have her in her life. She is comong over to my house tomorrow to pick something up, and if I hear one peep of negativity I will take the opportunity to let he know I am no longer going to put up with it.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 12/7/2006 12:25:54 AM
Author: Kaleigh
She sounds very insecure and a bit toxic. Best friends, or even friends should be happy for you and there for you no matter what. Sounds like she is very jealous and worried that once you''re married you won''t have time for her. If you care to continue this friendship as you do have a long history, I''d tell her how you are feeling. If she doesn''t get it, then she really isn''t what I call a best friend. Sorry you are dealing with this, when it''s supposed to be such a happy time in your life. Plus you are dealing with a deployment, and that''s hard enough. Good luck!!!!

Thanks Kaleigh! You and all the other ladies have chimed in with good advice - stuff I already knew in my heart but needed to hear it from impartial third parties!

 

[Julian]

I don't have any advice to add because these ladies have written such wonderful responses.

So I'll just say that I sympathize & give you e-hugs!!!!!!!

Your ring is gorgeous!!! Just concentrate on your many blessings & we'll keep your FI in our prayers!

 

[anchor31]

If you saw my MOH thread on BWW, you know I''m having similar problems with my sister/MOH. She told me she doesn''t want to hear about the wedding until I begin the serious planning next summer, makes snarky comments to friends about how I always talk about it, etc. Fortunately, I haven''t had any remarks in the last 4-5 weeks... Because I''ve been extra careful to keep my mouth shut about it around her, which kind of sucks.

Anyway, I can relate, it''s very hard. You''re happy, you''re super excited, and you want the people around you to feel as you do. Unfortunately, some people don''t. Sometimes it''s envy, sometimes it''s fear of losing you, sometimes it''s a projection of their own unhappiness. You can ignore her, you can talk to her and tell her how this makes you feel, or you can cut her off. Whatever you do, I hope it''ll turn out for the best for you!

I can''t wait for your engagement story!

 

[TravelingGal]

I think she''s jealous, angry and scared of losing you.

I put myself in her shoes for a sec to hypothesize why she may be acting this way. You''ve gone through a lot together as single moms in the last ten years. You were 35 when you met and she was younger. Maybe she thought she still had her whole life ahead of her, and you (at 35) had less of a chance to find love again, therefore you were a secure bet that she''d have the full attention of a gal pal for a long time.

Now fast forward 10 years and she is in the shoes that she''d never thought she''d be. Remember that horrible newsweek article which said if you are single at 35, you have more of a chance to get struck by lightning (or something like that) than get married? Being 35 and single is a disconcerting thing to many women who hit that milestone. And to rub it in, her 45 year old friend is happy and getting married and most likely won''t have the same focus on her anymore.

My dear, she is 35, single, and about to lose her partner in commiseration. What a scary life spot to be in if you don''t want to be there.

But this is no excuse for the way she is treating you. I''m from the camp of sh*t happens, deal with it. As the others have said, be gentle with her. Even though her issues are not your problem, she IS your friend and you are in a better position than she is. If she doesn''t shape up, she can just be a self fulfilling prophesy.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree, it''s pretty clear she is jealous and struggling with this (comparing her situation with yours) so this is her way of acting out. It''s unfortunately common. My best friend was also jealous, being nasty and not a very good friend, let alone best friend. She''s 34, very pretty and single in NYC and I think she couldn''t handle that things were happening for me and not her in the relationship department. Anyway, I won''t go into it all, but she eventually sent me some nasty email saying she was not going to "hang on anymore" while I "became obsessed" with my relationship or some other nonsense and couldnt'' be friends with me anymore. At taht point I''d had enough of trying and dealing with the crazy behaviour so agreed (although I never would have suggested that!). That was a year ago.
Now I''m engaged and I''m sad about it b/c I would have liked to have her as a bridesmaid or at least come to my wedding..but sometimes it can be tough among women! (not the ones here though

)

 

[AmberWaves]

Impatient, I have to tell you, I know how you feel. I had a friend like that, we''d known each other for 15 years, and she was always kinda cruel, a little jealous, and definitely said things with a slight, "Playing but not really" tone to her voice. It was the end of it when she asked why I''m not tired of my FI (then bf) yet, since we live together. She was never really supportive unless she had someone else. I got rid of her, I couldn''t take her negativity anymore, it was really stressing me out. I found myself lying about where I was to her, because she wouldn''t approve, no matter what I did. When I called her to ask her something, and the first thing she said was, "I''m not going to be a bridesmaid" even though we weren''t even engaged yet, I knew it was time to let go. So we lost a decade + of "friendship", it wasn''t until later I realized that friendship was one way, I''d help her, and she''d try to buy me something to make up for it. It''s only a friendship if it''s with give and take, otherwise it''s a dependency. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Good luck!! (and congrats about your freakin'' AWESOME ring!)

 

[Mara]

the other thing i wanted to say was that you should probably address these issues at a separate time from seeing her just happenstance. like today if she comes over and says sommething negative and you want to snap, DON''T DO IT. you will end up saying something you regret and it won''t be rational and then later it will be harder to come back from something like that.

this friendship does deserve a little something extra in my opinion, if you care about it and it sounds like you do...so i would try to set a time for lunch or something where you two can have a heart to heart. that way you won''t be totally emotional over something she just said and she won''t be so defensive. i would set up a lunch or similar, and that way hopefully you two can have a more productive conversation about what you feel and what she feels. she might even be glad to be called on the carpet and have to actually address what has been going on! maybe it''s a cry for help...and you can be there for her but again to a limit. you have so much going on, you don''t need the extra stress.

what TG said rings true in my opinion. i mean it''s obvious that this gal is not a bad person and i wouldn''t say ''cut her off because she has issues'' or whatever...if she was an amazing friend for 10 years then you want to protect that history and try to salvage it. but you have to respect yourself and your relationship and your life and happiness as well. and i think she will recognize that at some level...even if she may freak out at first.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Wow, ladies, I had no idea that so many other women would have gone through this kind of thing with someone who is supposed to be their best friend!!! It makes me sad.

I talked to my boyfriend about it last night. He was aware of some of the negativity, but had no idea of the extent. I wasn't going to say anything about it to him, but he is so in tune with me that he can tell just by my voice when something is on my mind and he won't stop until I let it out. He was feeling kind of bad, like he is coming in between my relationship with my friend

I told him that it is not him specifically, that it wouldn't matter who I was marrying, she would still be unhappy. I thought back on the many previous guys I have dated before I met my soon-to-be fiance, and she never had anything nice to say about any of them either! I just think the reality that I will be getting married in three months has pushed her to a new low.

Anyway, I wouldn't wish this kind of drama on anyone, but I will admit it is a little comforting to know other have and are going through similar situations...

Thank you all for the great advice!!!

 

[ljmorgan]

I cannot tell you how close your story is to mine, only with a very close college friend of several years that I lived with (not a friend of 10 years.) My friends of 10+ years were thrilled for me. I will tell you, jealousy is a very, very difficult thing to deal with. I probably shouldn''t give you advice, since my friendship ended. I would just tell you that I understand how you''re feeling, and that I know it''s tough to deal with when you just want your friends to be happy for you, as you''d be happy for them.

 

[fire&ice]

Jealous in a MUCH deeper thought. I, too, do believe she is not a bad person & a relationship that lasted as long as yours should try to be salvaged. It''s not that she is jealous of YOU. She is SO unhappy with her own situation that your solid relationship moving forward to marriage is so intimitating to her. It questions her core - what''s the matter with me? You clearly have had a symbiotic relationship with this women raising your children together. She not only questioning her position in life (because of your good fortune); but, also how yours/her relationship will change.

I know it''s a happy time. I know it shouldn''t be all about her - but do recognize that it seems as though this is a stuggle for her. Change can be a very upsetting thing - especially when the change involves happiness on one''s part & limbo"ness" to the other.

Only you know how to approach her on the subject. However way to approach it - don''t put her on the defensive. Maybe have her over, plan to watch a chick flick & involve wine in a heart to heart. When I was first engaged decades ago, a similar situation was brewing with a friend. Of course we were much younger & carefree - but we did this and both ended up crying in our beer so to speak. She admitted all the things that were HER issues projecting on ME - her boyfriend of way more time not proposing when they introduced us & we were engaged. Subsequently, we all married our respective boyfriends, we are all still married & we are all still best friends. I''m hoping for the same outcome for you. Maybe you can introduce her to a nice guy that will be attending the wedding!

Good luck!

 

[phoenixgirl]

For a long time I didn''t date at all, while she did date a lot. About two years ago I decided to jump back into the dating pool. I think maybe she figured I would never meet someone . . .

I think you''ve hit the nail on the head right there. She may have gravitated towards you as a friend because you were in the same boat, but she was younger, dating more, etc. So she never had to feel threatened by what you had.

It''s sad, but some friendships do not survive a shift in who has a man and who doesn''t. I lost my best friend in college this way . . . I got a boyfriend (now my husband) and joined a sorority, and she didn''t get in to any and never had a boyfriend until now at the age of 26 (I''m not just guessing . . . her mom told me that she was jealous of the boyfriend and sorority things). I guess when we became friends, she thought we were "even" or something, and then we weren''t so she went and found another boyfriendless best friend.

Your friend (the "hater") sounds very immature. I understand that sometimes you can be jealous of other people, but you still always handle it with class and congratulate them on their good fortune. Being unhappy that other people are happy never gets you anywhere. And when a friend gets married, you go with the flow and IMO you only give your preference on something if asked.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Your friend has been burned and probably hates all men now. If you still want her to be part of your life, you''ll need to let her comments about your relationship with your guy go in one ear and out the other.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Just wanted to say that the fact that she hasn''t spoken to her own mother in 10 years is a big red flag. She obviously has issues for which she needs counseling, as others have suggested.

 

[nytemist]

I''ve had to deal with this also- I feel your pain! It isn''t easy.

My friend had a bad breakup after I had been seeing Ian for 2 years. Every time i saw her, she would go into a rant about how guys can''t trusted, he will cheat on you, bah blah blah. I stopped seeing her so often, and when we did talk and she would start going in that direction, I would be quick to change the subject or get off the phone. Once we got engaged, her attitude got worse. A month after I got engaged, I met with her for a drink. I got to her before she started ranting. i told her look, I know that your breakup was bad and that you don''t trust any man right now. But you are projecting that onto me and I can''t hear it anymore. Either we need to not talk for a while, or not at all, because you are upsetting me. It took 3 weeks for her to apologize, and she did actually come to my wedding.

Sometimes girls needs a wake up call to see that their jealousy is ruining a friendship.

 

[Independent Gal]

This is such a sad situation. I can kinda relate, but I'm the best friend.

My best friend N. swore she would never get married, while I've wanted to settle down for a few years now. I recently decided the guy I'd been with for a long time wasn't Mr. Right. Remotely. So now I'm single. And yes, as some of you have pointed out, part of me liked the idea that since she would never get married, even if I didn't, that would be ok, because we'd always be first for each other. (I mean, of course it would be OK anyway!)

But just before I broke up with G., she met a guy who she now swears she could marry. I haven't met him since she lives 1000's of miles away, but everything sounds so wonderful about him, and she's so happy. I've never seen her like this in a relationship before.

So, here I am single, and wanting a family, and there she is suddenly with this great guy and talking about marriage with him (well, to me anyway) when that's not what she thought she wanted anyway. And you know what I feel?

Well, a little scared that I'd lose her, sure... Maybe I'll be single indefinitely but she wouldn't have so much time for me anymore. And yeah, that's a little scary.

But mostly I feel OVERJOYED! I'm so happy for her! It almost makes me cry thinking about what a wonderful thing it is that she met this great guy who can see she's made of gold, just like I do. I swear if she marries him, it will make me very nearly as over the moon as if I were getting married myself.

That's what real friendship and love mean: the other person's joys are your joys and their sorrows are your sorrows. I know it doesn't always work that way, particularly if two people take each other for granted. But maybe friendships are like marriages and take some work and some TLC. I bet your friend would LIKE it to be that way again. If she's really feeling messed up, maybe she doens't know how to find a way back there.

I hope you two work it out.