What will you teach your children about religion if you don''''t have one?

[treysar]

My fiancé and I were both born Catholic, but neither of us go to church, or believe in the church’s teachings. While both of us are very spiritual, we do not identify with any specific faith. We met with our minister the other day, and she was asking us about what we will teach our children about religion, and she brought up a great point: Children that are not born with a religion have nothing to identify with or rebel against. Example – I came to my religious beliefs because I studied Catholicism and decided I did not believe in the teachings of the bible. But that’s because I was brought up learning about it, and in my journey of finding myself I decided to look elsewhere. But if a kid has no starting point or springboard, where do they go to learn about religion and spirituality? How are you all handling this?

 

[jenwill]

Well, I am not a parent to be at this point so I cannot give advice from that point of view, but I am a child of non-religious parents. I was brought up with absolutely no religious education from my parents- my mother who had been loosely brought up a methodist, and my step-dad who was brougth up baptist but went to catholic high school on athletic scholarship. They both decided that the rules and regulations of an organized religion weren't for them, so proceeded to leave both of their respective faiths. Add into it that they were a mixed race couple (balck and white), living together unmarried in the mid 70's and there weren't places that were that accepting of them to begin with.

Growing up, I actually learned about many religions from my friends of various faiths. One summer I went to a baptist church on sundays to see what it was all about, then decided to do the same thing on other summers with catholiciscm, judaism, lutheranism, mormonism and buddhism. I probably connected best with Buddhism as a philosophy of how to live your life, as it seemed less judgemental of those who were not followers.

I learned that what beliefs my parents had brought me up with: respecting people, not judging people, trying to do for those less fortunate in what ways I could (we didn't have much money- but they showed me that money is not the only way to help people), and basically following a live and let live policy- were things that EVERY religion I visited preached. This in turn showed me that at the root of it all most religions are based on the same tenets, and only skewed from those in what ways some person had interpreted them. I decided that while I now believe in some type of greater force (I figured it would be difficult for all of these people from vastly differing regions to come up with the same root drivers for their faith based beliefs without some kind of force being out there), I could not in all honesty say that any single interpretation of those beliefs was correct- to me.

So, I am now a spiritual but not religious person who tries to live my life in a way that does not hurt others, and I have great respect for those that have strong faith- as long as they can respect those of another faith and those of no particular faith.

I am actually glad that my parents did not try to bring a religion that they were not completely devoted to into my focus when I was younger. It gave me a chance to explore many options, and if I had found a faith that had truly called to me they would have accepted that. It made me feel much better with the decision that I ultimately made, as I felt informed and now am secure in my personal beliefs. If they had decided that just for the sake of a child that they would lukewarmly adopt a religion, I probably would have seen the lack of connection which would likely have made me not embarce it as well. And might have stopped me from being free to look at many other religions as I would have had 'ties' - no matter how weak- to a particular relgion.

Sorry so long, but this is just one person raised by non-religious parents point of view!

 

[treysar]

I LOVE your answer! I and I hope some day if I have kids that they feel the same way about us as parents!

Of all of the religions I have studied, I also found that Buddhism comes the closest to what I believe.



Thank you for your thoughtful answer!

 

[sevens one]

Well.....
I''ll add my .02 here. I was raised Catholic. Both of my parents are Catholic.
I went to a Catholic Elementary School and High School.

I am raising my children Catholic. When I was an older teenager I had somewhat "questioned" my religion and wandered off. But as soon as my children were born I "snapped" back into full Catholic Attention!

The church we belong to is like a family. We are very fortunate to have found a place with such wonderful and honest people.

**However**
Hubby wasn''t raised Catholic- doesn''t do the church thing whatsoever. So I fly solo with the religious aspect of our children''s lives. Not something I would recommend to others.
There is alot to be said for the verse "be of the same Yolk" (or something to that affect) I would love it if hubby and I were on the same page.

I just wanted my children to have a sense of direction in that part of their life.

(plus my Mom told me they''d be damned to hell if I didn''t have them baptized!

- Love ya MOM!

 

[fire&ice]

Interesting question & one that should be discussed.

I can only add that most of my friends were not church attenders until *after* their children became of an age to attend. Some of them have various degrees of faith in their religion & the house of worship they attend. Some travel from church to church. All say that they get something out of it. All think it strenthens their family & children. Heck, we take our pups to the Blessing of the Animals & even that - makes us all feel warm and fuzzy.

I''m one of those that believes you can be spritual & not belong to any organized religion. But, that could be a more *adult* abstract thought thing. I''m of the mind that children need to be more in the concrete -i.e.- organized religion.

Religion - my thoughts are almost akin to Jimmy Buffet''s song, "Fruitcakes" - to quote one line - " - a fine line between Saturday night & Sunday morning." Though, on occassion we do attend a start up (small) Episcopalian church held in our local firehouse. It does fill my heart & fuels my spirit - even if it''s just the singing.

 

[Alice in DiamondLand]

With regard to religion, I''d teach them that there are many paths up the mountain, but it''s the same view from the top.

 

[chantal990]

I was raised a Catholic ad my FI was raised a Buddhist. Neither of us are very churchy people in other words weddings and funerals in any faith are the only times we go near a church. Not having children yet we have discussed what to do if and when we do have kids and we have agreed to let them decide and hearing the stories of the people who were not raised in one set religion has given me a really good feeling about letting our kids do the same (if and when we have them not feeling to good about that whole pregnacy and childbirth thing

)

 

[Hest88]

We''re probably not going to have kids but we''ve discussed what we''d do if we did. Both of us would like the kids to be well-grounded in religion, partly because we think it''s one of the ways to help them grow up with a sense that there is something more important than themselves.

I was raised Taoist-Buddhist, and my husband---though raised Quaker---became a Presbyterian in high school. If we had kids we would start attending Episcopalian services. Both of us find Episcopal Church the one that gives us the greatest sense of awe and if that feeling resonates with our children we will have accomplished what we set out to do when we thought about introducing religion to our kids. Hopefully our kids will then take that sense of awe and live their lives in service of a higher morality, even if they--like my husband--choose a different path when they grow older.

Of course, they will also participate in all the traditional Taoist-Buddhist ceremonies as well, or my ancestors will strike them down from beyond the grave.

I don''t think it will be incompatible, though, since it should reinforce the idea of sacrifice and service.

 

[gingerBcookie]

I grew up in a buddhist household. My family isn''t very "religious" though, if you can even say that about the buddhist religion. Like those of you who have tried it, it is a very "relaxed" religion, without the multitude of rules and regulations that seem to modulate most of the other religions i''ve encountered. The only reason I consider myself a buddhist, is partially because of my family, but mainly because of the lack of dictates. I am a very non religious person and my religion, outside of ceremonies such as weddings and funerals, has never played a role in any decision in my life. My morals, values, direction in life are all based on how my parents raised me and what they taught me about right and wrong as well as what i have learned by my own life experience. I have never "felt" the "absence" of religious teachings in my life, contrarily, i felt, feel, much more liberated than my friends who DO let religion rule their life decisions. I consider my self a good person and I am that way without the third voice (outside of mom and dad

) of religion telling me what to do. I have nothing against organized religions as a theory, I jsut have problems with people who use it to feed their own sense/need for power and piousness as well as the tendency for religions to encourage close mindedness(keep in mind i realize i am using blanket statements and know that there are many exceptions out there). My BF is catholic and very religious, the exact opposite of me religion-wise. We''ve discussed how religion will be handled in our future household and have reached a compromise. Its very important for him to teach his children about the catholic faith, so they will be going to church/sunday with him, accompanied by discussions of me about how what the father/priest/preacher/sunday school teacher says is not the iron-clad, end-all, be-all gospel truth. I am terrified of the thought of my little babies one day believing, and being worried that mommy is going to burn in the eternal flames of hell because she doesn''t go to church. One of my friends goes what is considered a very forwrd thinking, "modern", non-denominational christian church, and he still believes, and worries about his girlfriend not being able to go to heaven with him because she isn''t religious/doesn''t go to church regularly. I think that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard (sad sad, not slang sad

), and absolutely infuriating that someone has to feel that way, that they were TAUGHT to feel that way. I also hate it when someone preaches to me about how open and accepting their faith is of EVERYONE and then in the next breath tells me i won''t get into heaven unless i join. When my children are mature enough to decide on their own, they will make the decision of whether to follow catholicism, buddhism, a combo, another religion, or none...and i will be happy as long as they grow up knowing there are options, as well as the option no religion.

hmmm...i just realized i have a really long post just to say i grew up WITHOUT religion and I am happy, successful, grounded and a "good" person. Just wanted to stick in the thought/choice that religion imay NOT be neccesary at all.

p.s. my post is not meant to offend anyone...i believe there is a place for religion in our society and that many people need it, just not me. to each his own, as long as you don''t force your beliefs on me, you and i will get along famously

 

[MrsFrk]

Right on Ginger.

I was raised 'without religion'. My mom is Baptist, my father a dabbling Buddhist. My sister and I were raised without organized religion, but our parents instilled in us a strong moral compass, compassion and tolerance for our fellow man and beast, and the conviction that we are here not only to take but to give. All of which are the true essence, I think, of any religion. Being raised free of any sort of doctrinal limits allowed us to grow into highly compassionate, tolerant adults, I believe. I have friends of all races, religions, political beliefs, incomes- a much wider variety than most people- because (I think) I don't come from a place of "this is what is RIGHT".

 

[gingerBcookie]

Date: 12/15/2004 5:31:58 PM
Author: MrsFrk
Right on Ginger.

I was raised ''without religion''. My mom is Baptist, my father a dabbling Buddhist. My sister and I were raised without organized religion, but our parents instilled in us a strong moral compass, compassion and tolerance for our fellow man and beast, and the conviction that we are here not only to take but to give. All of which are the true essence, I think, of any religion. Being raised free of any sort of doctrinal limits allowed us to grow into highly compassionate, tolerant adults, I believe. I have friends of all races, religions, political beliefs, incomes- a much wider variety than most people- because (I think) I don''t come from a place of ''this is what is RIGHT''.

I love the way you write MrsFrk! You said exactly what I wanted to say, only in a much more eloquent yet succinct manner. Going to med school has fried the right side of my brain and my writing skills are not what they used to be.

Now I just say and write whatever pops into my head to get my point across. I alway feel like I meet a soul brother/sister when I meet someone who feels the way I do about religion. It''s hard when religion is so permeated in the fabric of our society (please excuse the gag me cliche). I''m like "Yes! Somebody gets me!" Just feels nice

 

[Petra]

I''m Greek Orthodox (but mostly atheist), my boyfriend is Hindu (though he believes women are equal and the caste system is stilly, and he doesn''t put stock in ritual so that puts him more in the camp of the Buddhists). I was not raised very religious -- and I don''t think muttering the correct spell will get you through the gates of heaven. Religion for me has been a way to connect with other Greeks. If we have children I''ll show them what is out there and my husband will probably take them to a temple and show them how to meditate. But in the end that is a decision they must make.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My sons are two and four and I plan to let them research and explore religion on their own when they decide it's an interest of theirs. The reason is that throughout my life people have tried to convert me and recently, my grandmother told me that I would eventually "come around" to her religion because hers is the one that counts. I'm 32 and pretty much dead set in my beliefs and find it really offensive when others throw their beliefs at me and for this reason, I wouldn't want to do the same to my children.

FWIW, I'm an eclectic pagan and sadly ***many*** people do not consider this a strong enough belief system that it should be respected as a true form of spirituality. They see it as a path of research which will eventually lead to conventional, organized religion rather than what it is, my firm belief system which I've had since high school which employs ideas from many sources.

My parents let me explore and I figured out *my path* and i want my boys to search as well and hopefully they will find from others respect in the choices they make.

 

[babblingal]

I am Jewish. My husband was a protestant until his luggage went missing in Saudi and he lost his dogtags. When he had his dogtags reissued, he changed his *faith* to "Agnostic". I am fairly certain he is one of the only members of the US military to have Agnostic printed on his dogtags! I did lament that should something happen to him, who would they call on his behalf?! We had agreed prior to marriage that the children would be raised as Jews. So we''ve had no argument about it and my husband has participated in the carpooling for religious school and he asks for leave on the major Jewish holidays so we may attend services as a family.

The only tradition he said he would truly miss was that of the Christmas tree. When I was growing up my best friend was Catholic and every year I would help her decorate her tree, so I understood the tree thing. I flat out asked my husband if celebrating Christmas was celebrating the birth of Jesus or was it merely a time of family togetherness for him? He said it really was the whole family thing. Not even the gifts was the main feature, he just liked the feeling of having a tree and having a nice meal together. His mother had been an awesome cook, she was German, and he just had these wonderful memories of fantastic food and togetherness with his family.

So, we agreed that if he could come up with something that would not be confusing to our kids, then the tree could work. So, he came up with "Bronco Day". As my family is orginally from Colorado and so is my husband''s all of us have being fans of the Denver Broncos in common. So my husband ordered an aluminum tree from Hammacher Schlemmer, scoured Ebay for Denver Bronco ornaments, and even fashioned the color wheel to have clear, orange and blue lenses! Our tree goes up on January 3rd and stays up until Monday morning after the Superbowl. Superbowl Sunday is "Bronco Day" where we exchange gifts. The gifts must be Denver Bronco related, t-shirts, sweats, pens, pencils, whatever. My husband has had so much fun looking on Ebay and finding unique gifts! The kids love this and there is no confusion for them at all!

I have another friend who is also married to a Jewish man, they are rearing their children as Jews but she is a practicing Catholic. The way she has explained celebrating Christmas to her children is this" This is a holiday that is important to Mommy because I am Catholic. You are here with me to help me celebrate because you are important in my life. I have invited you to celebrate my holiday with me, much like your friends invite you to a birthday party. You go to celebrate with your friend, but you know the party is theirs and not yours. You give them gifts because you know it is not your birthday and you feel happy for your friend." It works for her kids, they aren''t confused about it at all.

 

[onedrop]

I was brought up in a very religious household. My family and friends would proably describe me now as a back-sliding Baptist. As an over 30 adult I have more questions regarding the spiritual realm than I did as a kid. Given my questioning status, balancing my heavily "religious" upbringing and my now intellectual issues with organized religion, I stuggle with the question of how to introduce spirituality to my future children. I respect the teachings of various different religions, so I am pretty sure that I would try and expose them to all different practices and let them decide. Gratefully I have many friends of differing religions so I have been able to learn a lot from asking them a lot of questions. Being of an open mind allowed me to learn a lot from my Buddhist, Muslim and Jewish friends. I think putting my children in a position of exposure to various cultures and religions will be the best situation.

BTW - reading all of your opinions and experiences has been very interesting!

 

[eks6426]

Interesting topic...

I was raised in a christian religion...but one that is much different than most people know. We did not celebrate any normal religious holiday...no Easter, no Halloween, no Christmas. I went to church on Saturdays (no activities from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday) and we observed old testement holy days (atonement, trumpets, feast of tabernacles etc.) This religion was very all encomposing in my childhood. In school, I was not only not allowed to sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer...I wasn''t even allowed to be in the same room. So, I spent nearly all of my days near any major holiday in the principal''s office quietly doing homework. Fast forward to high school....the rebellion hit. There were huge fights over church rules (no going anywhere on Saturday, no make-up etc.) Finally at 17 I quit. My dad tried to punch me, but eventually accepted it. Then I married a Catholic...not just any Catholic....one who converted on his own at 18. I agreed to raising any kids in the Catholic religion (as long as he does the work--taking them to church, explaining things etc.)because I really didn''t care. We have a boy and he gets put in Catholic Schools (public schools are bad here). Then my husband dies. So, now my kid is in Catholic Schools--and I feel like such an idiot because I don''t know anything about the Catholic religion. I am so lost when my son comes home with an Advent Wreath (what the heck is that--I''m still getting used to decorating Christmas trees!). I am so grateful for the internet or else this would be even worse. A lot of people recommend I just pull him out of Catholic schools since I''m obviously not Catholic...but my son has been through a lot...and this school is part of his stability...and maybe the religion helps him deal with his dad''s death too. It just seems wrong to rip him out of an environment he is used to. So, now my new fiance is not relgious at all. He was raised in a basic protestent church. His mom and sister are very active. I seriously doubt we ever go to a church....but we will raise both our sons to be good people. And if they find themselves a religioun that''s just great with us. I would never force it down my kids throat like my parents did to me. Even today, many years later they are still trying to get me back into their church.

 

[Nicrez]

Raised Catholic, will raise my kids Catholic, but my children will also be raised Hindu (as my FI is Hindu) so luckily they are complimentary.

Religion is just a way of expressing yourself, and having a format to follow only allows you to channel it more directly if you choose to follow it. I was a choir girl and practically DRAGGED my mom to church on Sundays as a kid, and I begged to go to Catholic school. Sadly, I am not such a good catholic girl any more, and although still spiritual, am no longer as "devout" in my duties. But as I am getting older, I find myself going back to some conventions that I learned as a child.

That said, I think children need structure, and in religions that are established, it is much easier to go from structure to no structure later on in life, than to go from unstructured to an established religion. Is it necessary for people to have an established religion, no, but I do think it helps them deal with issues when there is a structure in their life as they are trying to establish their personal identity. I also think it''s important to respect other religions and cultures and that can only be done when you know and understand other religions, so that''s an important education to have along a structured religion. I totally think it''s true that a parent''s behaviour is always the best example.

I personally wouldn''t raise my children without a religion, but absolutely would encourage them to learn and put to practice other religions that they believed in, once they felt they had understood the established religion set forth for them, Catholicism. I guess I figure how can you understand other organized religions if you have never been part of one yourself? Sort of like learning your multiplication tables before you learn calculus...