Home What type of relationship do you have with your SO?

[zoebartlett]

I wasn''t sure where to put this, and this might not be the best place (FHH, Hangout, or here). Anyway...

There''s a thread in LIW about someone wanting to get opinions on what makes for a good marriage. It got me thinking. Is your relationship more friendship or romantically based? Obviously, it''s good to have a balance of both. Are you and your SO passionate people who are also friends or are you friends who developed a love for each other over time?

 

[trillionaire]

We were friends first. We''ve known each other for 9.5 years, been together for 6.5, getting married on our 7th anniversary. I think I would worry more if our relationship was first and foremost romantic and physical, because life changes and that would worry me more. However, I don''t question our friendship in anyway, and it makes for a secure and fun relationship. We laugh a lot, at ourselves and each other, and there is plenty of passion too!

 

[Haven]

It''s hard for me to answer this, because I''m not sure!

DH and I have a very deep friendship. He is truly my best friend and confidant. We spend a lot of our time together as good friends do--discussing topics we''re both interested in, sharing activities and hobbies we both love or have learned to love from each other, laughing about stupid inside jokes, talking about other people

, hanging out, etc.

We actually just spend a lot of time together, period. DH works for himself, and I''d say he only works 30 to 40 hours a week, and I''m only spending about 20 hours a week working outside of the house this school year, so we have a lot of time and we choose to spend a lot of it together. We both need our alone time, too, but we''re together A LOT too, and we like it that way.

On the other hand, our connection was definitely a romantic one when we first met. We weren''t friends first, we met and started dating right away. We had a lot of great passion back then, and since it''s tended to wax and wane with time as I imagine most couple''s passion levels do, but it''s always there even if it''s on the back burner for a while. But when it''s on, it''s ON, and we''re super passionate.

I don''t know. I think we started out with a romantic relationship that was not just physical, but a nice balance of a attraction and friendship. Clear as mud, right?

As for the question about what makes for a good marriage, I think it''s different for everyone. I know that I feel like my marriage is so extremely strong because we truly do help each other become better people. That sounds so banal, but it''s the truth. We don''t enable each other''s shortfalls, rather we help each other confront the issues we have and overcome them, big and small. I know that I am a much better person because of my relationship with my husband, and vice versa. I feel so strong with him, and hopeful and confident that we will continue to create a life together that truly is the best version of life that we can have, because we are together.
Oh my gosh, that sounds so cheesy. I don''t have the right words to describe it.

 

[lilyfoot]

This is definitely a difficult question for me to answer, similar to Haven.

Our friendship and our love grew at the same time.

As much as he is really and truly my best friend in life, he is just as much really and truly the love of my life.

I feel so cheesy!

 

[zoebartlett]

It''s interesting reading your answers, Trillionaire and Haven.

My husband and I met 6.5 years ago, and we''ll be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in July (not long after Haven, actually). We met online and we were both looking for a relationship so I can''t say that we started out just as friends. Not long after we met though, things were sort of put on hold for a little over a month. He had a little figuring out to do and I waited in the wings, so to speak. An ex-girlfriend had contacted him and wanted to see him again. It was completely out of the blue, and I guess it shook him a little. He needed some time to figure out what he wanted. I told my husband that I''d be there as a friend if that''s what he chose, but lucky for me, things worked out in my favor. We became an official couple when my husband actually said, "if you''ll still have me, I''d like to be your boyfriend." Sure, it''s corny, but I thought it was cute at the time.

To answer my own question, based on the above, I''d say that we are more romantically based. We developed a love for one another over time but in all honesty, it didn''t take long (a few months). My husband is without a doubt, though, MUCH more romantic than I am. It took a lot for me to trust someone completely and not put up a wall when it came to certain things.

 

[JSM]

I like reading about other''s relationships - everyone is so different. I know what works for a friend''s marriage would never work for me, but that''s what makes finding the right person so crucial. You have to want the same thing! I''ve broken off relationships that were good on paper, but weren''t what I wanted for a future.

My relationship with DH was different from any I had ever had; every other long term boyfriend was someone I knew as a friend first. But with DH, we met and it was *immediate* physical attraction. We had both been burned recently and were intending on enjoying singledom for a while. I agreed to go out with him just for fun, and he asked me out because he was attracted, but we didn''t think it would become anything serious. But it was evident by the end of the second date that this was going to be good. We just fit together so well. I remember telling a friend within a week that he was ''the one''.

We started off, honestly, very very passionate. But at the same time, it was a natural friendship, like we had known each other for years. Though we have very different interests, we have similar morals, values, and directions. We compliment each other, and have both grown as people as a result. We''ve been together almost 5 years now, and the passion has waned somewhat (though it is cyclical). But he is still my best friend. I talk to him first about everything, and I know he has my back, always.

I think, if I had to choose, we are more of a couple than friends. I still need my friends, and he needs his. But we support each other as husband and wife. I hope that makes sense.

 

[PumpkinPie]

this is hard for me to answer as well. We met online and our love and friendship grew simultaneously. We are really great friends but also adore each other

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/26/2010 6:38:01 PM
Author: Haven
It''s hard for me to answer this, because I''m not sure!



DH and I have a very deep friendship. He is truly my best friend and confidant. We spend a lot of our time together as good friends do--discussing topics we''re both interested in, sharing activities and hobbies we both love or have learned to love from each other, laughing about stupid inside jokes, talking about other people

, hanging out, etc.



We actually just spend a lot of time together, period. DH works for himself, and I''d say he only works 30 to 40 hours a week, and I''m only spending about 20 hours a week working outside of the house this school year, so we have a lot of time and we choose to spend a lot of it together. We both need our alone time, too, but we''re together A LOT too, and we like it that way.



On the other hand, our connection was definitely a romantic one when we first met. We weren''t friends first, we met and started dating right away. We had a lot of great passion back then, and since it''s tended to wax and wane with time as I imagine most couple''s passion levels do, but it''s always there even if it''s on the back burner for a while. But when it''s on, it''s ON, and we''re super passionate.

I don''t know. I think we started out with a romantic relationship that was not just physical, but a nice balance of a attraction and friendship. Clear as mud, right?



As for the question about what makes for a good marriage, I think it''s different for everyone. I know that I feel like my marriage is so extremely strong because we truly do help each other become better people. That sounds so banal, but it''s the truth. We don''t enable each other''s shortfalls, rather we help each other confront the issues we have and overcome them, big and small. I know that I am a much better person because of my relationship with my husband, and vice versa. I feel so strong with him, and hopeful and confident that we will continue to create a life together that truly is the best version of life that we can have, because we are together.

Oh my gosh, that sounds so cheesy. I don''t have the right words to describe it.

Cheesy maybe...but I am also cheesy as this similarly describes my relationship experience with my husband as well.Thanks for saving me all that typing - especially as I am on my blackberry!

However I agree it is incredibly hard to put it into words. I do know that my husband and I do feel incredibly blessed to have met and to be sharing the experience of life together in the way we do relate together. We are so incredibly open and vulnerable with one another, passionate, honest, encouraging, respectful, compassionate, tender, silly, strong, and so forth.

Sometimes I am a bit awed by it all to be honest as it beyond what I ever imagined was possible.

Now who is cheesy?

 

[missy]

Date: 3/27/2010 10:22:39 AM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 3/26/2010 6:38:01 PM

Author: Haven

It's hard for me to answer this, because I'm not sure!



DH and I have a very deep friendship. He is truly my best friend and confidant. We spend a lot of our time together as good friends do--discussing topics we're both interested in, sharing activities and hobbies we both love or have learned to love from each other, laughing about stupid inside jokes, talking about other people, hanging out, etc.



We actually just spend a lot of time together, period. DH works for himself, and I'd say he only works 30 to 40 hours a week, and I'm only spending about 20 hours a week working outside of the house this school year, so we have a lot of time and we choose to spend a lot of it together. We both need our alone time, too, but we're together A LOT too, and we like it that way.



On the other hand, our connection was definitely a romantic one when we first met. We weren't friends first, we met and started dating right away. We had a lot of great passion back then, and since it's tended to wax and wane with time as I imagine most couple's passion levels do, but it's always there even if it's on the back burner for a while. But when it's on, it's ON, and we're super passionate.

I don't know. I think we started out with a romantic relationship that was not just physical, but a nice balance of a attraction and friendship. Clear as mud, right?



As for the question about what makes for a good marriage, I think it's different for everyone. I know that I feel like my marriage is so extremely strong because we truly do help each other become better people. That sounds so banal, but it's the truth. We don't enable each other's shortfalls, rather we help each other confront the issues we have and overcome them, big and small. I know that I am a much better person because of my relationship with my husband, and vice versa. I feel so strong with him, and hopeful and confident that we will continue to create a life together that truly is the best version of life that we can have, because we are together.

Oh my gosh, that sounds so cheesy. I don't have the right words to describe it.

Cheesy maybe...but I am also cheesy as this similarly describes my relationship experience with my husband as well.Thanks for saving me all that typing - especially as I am on my blackberry!


However I agree it is incredibly hard to put it into words. I do know that my husband and I do feel incredibly blessed to have met and to be sharing the experience of life together in the way we do relate together. We are so incredibly open and vulnerable with one another, passionate, honest, encouraging, respectful, compassionate, tender, silly, strong, and so forth.


Sometimes I am a bit awed by it all to be honest as it beyond what I ever imagined was possible.



Now who is cheesy?

+2

You guys said it better than I could have. I feel so lucky to have found my best friend who is also my soulmate and with whom I share a passionate love. We started off dating but took it slowly and almost right away I knew this man was different and that I was inceredibly lucky to be with him. I still feel the same (if not luckier) today. I would say I am truly blessed. And just to make things fair his family is just awful

And yet, I would still go through all the crap we both went through with them over and over just to be with my DH.

 

[katamari]

Date: 3/26/2010 6:01:12 PM
Author: trillionaire
We were friends first. We''ve known each other for 9.5 years, been together for 6.5, getting married on our 7th anniversary. I think I would worry more if our relationship was first and foremost romantic and physical, because life changes and that would worry me more. However, I don''t question our friendship in anyway, and it makes for a secure and fun relationship. We laugh a lot, at ourselves and each other, and there is plenty of passion too!

Ditto. The only thing different for us is a +4 on Trill''s numbers.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 3/26/2010 6:38:01 PM
Author: Haven
It''s hard for me to answer this, because I''m not sure!

DH and I have a very deep friendship. He is truly my best friend and confidant. We spend a lot of our time together as good friends do--discussing topics we''re both interested in, sharing activities and hobbies we both love or have learned to love from each other, laughing about stupid inside jokes, talking about other people

, hanging out, etc.

We actually just spend a lot of time together, period. DH works for himself, and I''d say he only works 30 to 40 hours a week, and I''m only spending about 20 hours a week working outside of the house this school year, so we have a lot of time and we choose to spend a lot of it together. We both need our alone time, too, but we''re together A LOT too, and we like it that way.

On the other hand, our connection was definitely a romantic one when we first met. We weren''t friends first, we met and started dating right away. We had a lot of great passion back then, and since it''s tended to wax and wane with time as I imagine most couple''s passion levels do, but it''s always there even if it''s on the back burner for a while. But when it''s on, it''s ON, and we''re super passionate.

I don''t know. I think we started out with a romantic relationship that was not just physical, but a nice balance of a attraction and friendship. Clear as mud, right?

As for the question about what makes for a good marriage, I think it''s different for everyone. I know that I feel like my marriage is so extremely strong because we truly do help each other become better people. That sounds so banal, but it''s the truth. We don''t enable each other''s shortfalls, rather we help each other confront the issues we have and overcome them, big and small. I know that I am a much better person because of my relationship with my husband, and vice versa. I feel so strong with him, and hopeful and confident that we will continue to create a life together that truly is the best version of life that we can have, because we are together.

Oh my gosh, that sounds so cheesy. I don''t have the right words to describe it.

Pretty much everything Haven said.

DH and I met and instantly were attracted to one another. There was no period of being "just friends" - we met when I was 16 and he was 17 and we began playfully flirting until he asked me out two weeks later. Our first date was amazing and the week that followed was intense in terms of developing a deep friendship and deep love. We were both in love within that first week and we were talking about the future when we could get married and have kids. Even though we were young, it wasn''t the "OMG I''m so in love!!" kinda way that most teenagers feel - it truly was a deep connection that took us both by complete surprise because we didn''t even know it was possible to be in love that young. But we were.

Over the next few months and years we simultaneously built our friendship and relationship - we really are *best friends*. We can tell each other anything and we talk about everything. We just don''t get tired of spending time with each other no matter how long we''re together. We accept each other for who we are. He helps me be a better person and I don''t know how I would get through some things without his help, guidance, and support. I have never felt closer in every single way to anyone else. So we definitely are best friends and that''s a HUGE part of why I feel our marriage is so strong.

We''re also really romantic people - DH constantly surprises me with romantic candlelit dinners in our apartment, little notes left around our apartment for me to find, and random emails or texts telling me how much he loves me. I do the same for him - and when I pack his lunch for work sometimes I add a little note into it so he can smile in the middle of his long, hard day at work

. We just both try to keep the romance alive and continue to express our feelings even through little ways. We''ve done that since we started dating almost 6 years ago and we continue it because to us, it''s really important to express our feelings even in little ways. Gifts are given on birthdays and anniversaries, but the one thing we do that is the *most* special to us (more than any present we could exchange) is that we write long, handwritten letters and cards to each other. We used to do it on a daily basis when we started dating, and over the years we''ve continued that tradition for big occasions, and even sometimes just out of the blue one of us will give a long letter to the other. DH actually took ALL the letters and cards we''ve ever written to each other and had them laminated and put into a book and also had them photocopied and turned into an actual hardcover book so we could save them all - it was over 500 pages! We love the letters we write and they truly keep our romance and communication alive and help us remain closer together.

We''re also passionate people - the physical part of our relationship has always been great but particularly after we got married it got even better (we waited until marriage for some things, so that physical bond intensified once we got married). Obviously we go through weeks where things are great, and weeks where things are less great - mostly related to stress and other life events getting in the way and distracting us. But in those "less great" weeks our friendship and romance keeps us close and we always talk about it because we try and communicate about as much as possible to keep things out in the open. And communication helps us get back on track

.

So I think our marriage is very much friendship, romance, AND passion... Basically I should have just said "ditto" to Haven because most of the things I said she said more clearly.

 

[Laila619]

We''re more passionate people who turned into best friends by default.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Let me put it this way, when FI and I were "dating" in the beginning, it took a few months before we were exclusive. So there was definitely more of physical factor than emotional at the start.

He''s the person I''d choose to spend all my time with. Normally, he''s not the type of guy people would think of as funny or having a really great sense of humor but somehow, he gets me laughing ALL THE TIME.

He''s my bestie. But it''s awesome because I can smooch and cuddle with him as much as I want.

I could try to sum it up with something that happened tonight: he''s coming down with the flu so I get the pleasure of taking care of him and all the grossness that goes along with being sick (so very NOT romantic). I put my hand on his forehead to see how his fever was doing and he said "mmm, your hand feels nice and cool...... I bet your chest is cold too." I swear, this guy can''t miss an opportunity to try to get some action.

Basically, we''re passionate people who just happen to get along fabulously!

Not married yet, but I hope this will make for a successful marriage. Fingers crossed!

 

[zoebartlett]

I love hearing about everyone''s relationships. It''s very interesting!

We''ve settled into a routine, and unfortunately, sometimes I feel like we''re roommates more than anything else. I can''t really pinpoint when things changed and we became an "old married couple" (in our mid-late thirties), but they did.
My husband and I are completely different in so many ways, and occasionally it makes me worried. I think I get a little worried sometimes because we went from meeting to BAM -- relationship! He was my first really serious boyfriend, too. I hate admitting that but there you go. Anyway, we ARE really happy, but yes, there are times that I think, "is this how we''ll be for the rest of our lives?" Anyway, I don''t know where all that came from or what made me share that...

 

[Smurfysmiles]

We went to high school together and were friends for 10 years before we started dating. Then we got married I think we are more friendship based because that is what we started out as but at the same time we are really romantic

 

[wannaBMrsH]

This one is hard for me too, because it''s really complicated...we were definitely friends for the first 8 months that we knew each other. However, I really believe that it was due mostly to me being in a LDR and everyone thinking DH was married. Once I broke up with my LDR-BF, DH immediately asked me out and cleared up all the confusion regarding his divorce.

We were definitely romantic as soon as we went on our first date...we never saw anyone else, and we practically moved in together after 4 months.

He is my best friend. I seek his advice before anyone else''s. I want his approval above everyone else''s. I share everything with him first.

He is my greatest lover. I''ve never had anyone excite me on a constant basis the way that he does. Whether we are feeling tender, silly or mischievious, being loved by him is the most amazing feeling in the world. And I am not speaking of only intimacy. He can make me feel warm all over with one sideways glance across a crowded room.

Sometimes, people tell me that they feel sorry for all the things I''ve had to go through (with his kids and their mother) and I always reply: "Don''t feel sorry for me. I am the most blessed woman in the world. I have the priviledge of actually living the greatest love story I''ve ever heard about." And I mean it. I would have to turn deaf, blind and stupid to ever walk away from my husband. Otherwise I would never be able to live without him.

Wow...I just read that and it''s very cheesy, but I swear that it''s true!

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 3/28/2010 3:11:01 AM
Author: Travel Goddess
I could try to sum it up with something that happened tonight: he''s coming down with the flu so I get the pleasure of taking care of him and all the grossness that goes along with being sick (so very NOT romantic). I put my hand on his forehead to see how his fever was doing and he said ''mmm, your hand feels nice and cool...... I bet your chest is cold too.'' I swear, this guy can''t miss an opportunity to try to get some action.

Basically, we''re passionate people who just happen to get along fabulously!

LOL. Win. And this is pretty much how we are, too. We each have our own friends and interests, but we prefer to spend our time together because we get along so fabulously. He really is my best friend that I get to see naked sometimes.

 

[meresal]

We were first physically attracted to each other... lasted about a month... then a year later we began our friendship, that eventually developed into a newer/better romantic relationship, and eventually our marriage.

We are best friends, we laugh all the time, and we have a physical connection.

My definition of a great relationship- No matter how hard you think it is, or how upset you might be... you never look outside the relationship for reasoning. You look inside yourself, your partner, and your relationship to find the answer.

 

[Miscka]

I would say ours is largely romantic (especially in the start), but has developed a lovely, deep friendship component as well. Though, first and foremost (is this what you mean?) I see him romantically.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Also think this is a hard question. We have been together 13 years, 12 before we were married. So I met him when I was 15 and it immediately went into romantic scenario. However in the time frame he has also become my best friend, the only one I can really count on, my sanity, and my rock.... so I guess a bit of both!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think we''re a pretty typical couple. Our relationship started out very passionate and has developed into a deep friendship that still has passion. There''s romance there, but it''s not like the romance we had when we first started dating and were trying to impress each other. It''s nice now because we have this really solid foundation of love and friendship that we can lean on to support us through a less than passionate stage of our relationship, but we also know that the passion can be rekindled as well. I''m just too tired these days! Oh, and I should mention that DH and I pretty much spend every moment outside of work together. We even commute together, and in the same car!

 

[Lynnie]

Date: 3/29/2010 8:52:57 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I think we''re a pretty typical couple. Our relationship started out very passionate and has developed into a deep friendship that still has passion. There''s romance there, but it''s not like the romance we had when we first started dating and were trying to impress each other. It''s nice now because we have this really solid foundation of love and friendship that we can lean on to support us through a less than passionate stage of our relationship, but we also know that the passion can be rekindled as well. I''m just too tired these days! Oh, and I should mention that DH and I pretty much spend every moment outside of work together. We even commute together, and in the same car!

HH, this is exactly how my DH & I are... minus the commute (though if it were possible, we''d do it!). When we first started dating, it was all passion... we''d lie in bed together, and just talk all night, because neither of us wanted to fall asleep.
We don''t pull all-nighters like that anymore, but our relationship is a deep friendship that so many of you have described better than I ever could.
We rarely argue. If we do, it''s about something unsubstantial. We''re on the same level in almost all major aspects of life... religion, values, family, etc.

 

[elrohwen]

Definitely friends first! We were in the same major, so we know *of* each other from some time in freshman year. We didn't really become friends until junior year and during senior year we spent a lot of time together as part of a group. We honestly never considered dating at all until the end of senior year when I got out of a relationship. Things went pretty fast from there though! We talked about getting married about 6 months in, but we didn't actually get married until about 3.5 years in.

I do think we lack some of the passion of more romantic couples, but I wouldn't trade that for the comfort and affection we have for each other. Not for a minute! We're best friends and spend every free moment together, more or less.

 

[jstarfireb]

Neither of us have a romantic bone in our bodies, so that''s definitely not the answer. On the other hand, we started dating shortly after we met. So in that sense it was more romantic, but we relate to each other more like friends.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Our relationship was kind of atypical..we did all the steps kinda backward

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I think it depends on each couple. My husband and I are more friends than passionate lovers, but neither of us have the energy to be any other way and we are happy. For some people, that would not satisy theem and that''s fine too.

My parents have been happily married for 26 years today and my mom says theirs works for 2 reasons, that I do see as being true.
" a good marriage is where you are married to your best friend" and "it works best if you each think you are the one who got the better deal". If I impartially weighed the second one, I really can see how each thinks they got the better deal.