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What to do when you have completely different ering tastes?

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Halo

Halo

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 17, 2008
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134
My boyfriend has recently been looking at rings at B&M stores (which I just found out), one of which has a website. So he showed me the ring he was thinking of for me but unfortunately it was pretty much the exact opposite of the ering I like and is completely not "me". I explained why, that the style is dated (my friend's mothers have rings just like it), the band is very large and that it looks "clunky" to me and how these things wouldn't suit me since I'm petite and more modern in my style.

I then showed him the ring I like (Ritani Bella Vita) so that he could get an idea, and he said it looks like "cheap costume jewellery". Unfortunately the only rings I like are that style (delicate, round brilliants with a halo) and as long as I've looked I haven't come across anything else that suits me or makes my heart sing. He got angry and accused me of loving a ring and not him, which is ridiculous and untrue, and asked "What's wrong with a cheap ring??" even though I hadn't mentioned price, only style. It was especially strange since he told me he doesn't know the price of the ring (he didn't ask the salesperson) and I don't know the price of the Ritani.

Now I feel like a bad person for having different taste than him and am feeling pretty hopeless about getting a ring I love, let alone like. He got angry and said "Fine! You choose it then since you hate anything I pick!" and stormed off. I wish he would have asked me what I like first, because ring styles are so subjective and I don't like being made to feel like a terrible person for having an opinion about something I'd have to wear every day.

Anyway, I am at the point now where he seems to angry and hurt that I think I may just let him get me whatever he wants and I'll just learn to like it. I don't see what else I can do given his reaction.
 
Just for reference:

The ring I like:

Ritani - Bella Vita 3 - LOVE IT.jpg
 
The ring he likes:

SpenceRing.jpg
 
Well, I do not wish to be snarky but I much prefer what you like, it is lovely and modern yet classic. His is dated and was never my taste. To each his own, things sell clearly because there is a demand for them, but still, it is certainly not my taste. I think it should be more about what YOU want, this is a communication issue as much as a taste issue.
 
Shoot, I just realized that I posted this in the wrong forum. Is there any way I can have it moved over?
 
You wear the ring, not him. I find that when guys are done buying it they pretty much forget the details, but it will be a talking piece for you daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Tell him those golf clubs he paid big bucks for look the same as the $99 set at Walmart. Or that he should buy his gym shoes at Walmart as well. Then tell him it''s not about what he likes, it''s about what YOU want.

If he can''t understand this then good luck with the other major decisions down the road!

Marty
CEO/Pres
Diamond Brokerage Service, Inc
www.dbsdiamonds.com
 
Fortunately my FF and I eventually had the same taste after she tried some rings on.

I would describe your tastes as a bit more vintage/classic which happens to be "in fashion" right now.

His tastes are probably more contemporary.

Now, looks come and go and what is hot right now won't be in a few years.

I usually do like channel settings but I find the one that your BF picked to be rather boring. I think these settings can look very modern if the right setting is picked.



However, to respond more to your question, as a guy I would have gotten my FF whatever look she liked. While I might have had a harder time deciding what to get as I would not have been into the rings, it's still more important to me that she's happy with what she gets.

Perhaps you guys should go shopping together if you haven't already and try on all different types. You may like a type looking at it but not on your finger. In addition, perhaps you could find some common ground that both of you like.

If he surprised you with proposing with a setting you didn't like, I would be of the opinion that you should keep it. However, since you guys are discussing this...I think he should aim to please a bit more.
 
Hmmm, his defense of "What''s wrong with a cheap ring?" makes me think he''s more concerned about the budget and not the so much the style? I could be off, but I do think it''s worth discussing a bit more when he''s a little less emotional.

The ring you like is gorgeous, btw!
 
You know, as a guy, this is one of the most difficult things to determine.

Before i started looking, i thought the whole process of getting engaged... selecting the ring... was all up to me.
But i realized, it is very important to go ring shopping together, otherwise most guys would be lost in what to select.

I''m hoping that your BF can talk this out. I''m sure to him, when rejecting his choice, means rejecting him.

it will take a little time to work through... Good luck!
 
Just playing the devils advocate... but this story sounds pretty one-sided. I have a feeling that his goal isn''t to just get the setting HE loves. Maybes he did notice the price tag:

Ritani Bella Vita Solitaire
from $5,375.00
Bella Vita solitaire setting. Centerstone not included. Price will vary based upon finger size and carat weight.

------ This is just a quote I found online. I doubt it''s any cheaper in the store you were at. I dunno. just a thought.

Maybe drop the name Ritani and you guys might find something you both like.

http://www.knoxjewelers.biz/index.htm?crn=203&rn=1555&action=show_detail
 
I think some cooling off is certainly necessary. Then try calmly explaining to him in terms he understands (computers, clothing, cars, wedding rings, etc.) the difference between the two. For example: Honey, I really appreciate the fact that you've been working so hard on finding me a ring. While of course the engagement is about the marriage not the ring, wouldn't you prefer to pick the ring you are going to wear the rest of your life? For example, if you could only have ONE (insert object he understands: car,computer, whatever) the rest of your life, wouldn't you rather pick it out than have me pick it out for you?

The other thing to consider: Is it possible that he's so upset because he has already BOUGHT the ring he showed you and now is upset that you don't like what he's already locked into? Or have you been leaving hints about the ring you showed us? Maybe he already looked at the price, it's a pretty expensive ring especially considering that the center stone isn't included.
 
First off, I would like to apologize on behalf of clueless men everywhere. Sometimes we just don’t get it.

"Fine! You choose it then since you hate anything I pick!"

Try this: “Honey I love you and I want a ring that I can love as much as I do you. I want to be reminded every time I look at it of how special you are to me. I’m sorry to be picky but I plan to wear this every day for the rest of my life and it’s very important to me. Let’s pick one out together.” Then you pick out whatever YOU want to wear and tweak it in whatever ways are necessary to fit within HIS budget.

Obviously, when you are talking to your friends, this part of the story is forgotten history. HE gave it to you and look how fabulous it is.

Neil Beaty
GG(GIA) ICGA(AGS) NAJA
Professional Jewelry Appraisals in Denver
 
When a male penguin is sweet on a female, he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebble to present to her. When he finally finds it, he waddles over and presents the stone by placing it at her feet. If she accepts, they''ll be life-long mates.

i''m a big believer in that the guy should pick out the ring without the future fiancee looking over his shoulder. some might consider it old fashioned but isnt this whole marriage thing just an old tradition anyway?

honestly when i hear someone get all picky about a meaningful gift and symbol that someone poured their heart and soul into only to be rebuked with "this isnt at all what i wanted", all i hear is that person being more concerned with what that gift means to them than to each other. its not just a gift to receive but a symbol of your lives together. why should that reflect only one side?
 
diamondfan: Don''t worry, it''s not snarky, hehe. His ring is bland and cookie-cutter IMO. We have excellent communication about everything else, but for some reason he gets very angry and overly sensitive about this issue.

dbsdiamonds: Actually he doesn''t spend any money on things other than his fixed expenses that he can''t change. Other than that he saves his money or uses it to pay bills, so I can''t really use the example of the golf clubs, although I definitely see your point. Although I''ll be the one wearing the ring and I want to love it, he really seems to want to be the one to pick it out. And while a ring I like is important to me, I don''t think that if he doesn''t get the exact ring I want it means that we''re destined to have problems on big issues in the future;)

VVFF: Yes, I like classic things and dainty, delicate things. I agree, the ring my bf likes is boring, I think it''s quite plain and I don''t like the proportions of it at all. He has suggested that we go shopping so I''m sure we will at some point. I think it would be good for him to see how silly his ring would look, given my stature, and so that he can see things in person on a hand instead of a display.
 
NewEnglandLady: Thanks, I really like the Ritani:) But yes, he and I will definitely have to talk more about it when he''s cooled down a bit.

VVFF: Those are quite nice and look similar to some other ones we were trying to compromise on. They''re nice but I''m just not sure if they have that "wow factor" for me. Perhaps if I tried on that style in person I could get a better idea:)

Darthkim: Yes, that seems to be how he took it. But I''m obviously not rejecting him but I''d feel bad if I lied and said I loved whatever ring he suggested, although he may prefer that:P But he and I will just have to have a talk about it again.

Mr New York: There aren''t any jewellers in our province that sell Ritani and when he was looking at rings he had no idea what I liked, he hadn''t talk to me about it. So I know for a fact that he doen''t know the price of the Ritani nor do I know his budget. Either way I think it would be a good idea if we went out and looked at rings that were similar to the Ritani so that he can see things like that in person. And actually I have a bunch of halo rings from Knox saved on my comp. He only sort of liked one of them. I just don''t think he likes that setting at all, at least not in a photo.
 
Date: 9/30/2008 8:08:45 PM
Author: HariSeldon
When a male penguin is sweet on a female, he searches the entire beach to find the perfect pebble to present to her. When he finally finds it, he waddles over and presents the stone by placing it at her feet. If she accepts, they'll be life-long mates.


i'm a big believer in that the guy should pick out the ring without the future fiancee looking over his shoulder. some might consider it old fashioned but isnt this whole marriage thing just an old tradition anyway?


honestly when i hear someone get all picky about a meaningful gift and symbol that someone poured their heart and soul into only to be rebuked with 'this isnt at all what i wanted', all i hear is that person being more concerned with what that gift means to them than to each other. its not just a gift to receive but a symbol of your lives together. why should that reflect only one side?
Click to expand...

It's very sweet that you feel that way, but at the same time would you want to let your fiance/wife pick out the only golf clubs, car, computer, (insert expensive hobby item here) you will use for the rest of your life, especially considering that she probably has no idea how to pick the "right" one of those items for you? That's the way women think about their engagement rings.
 
neatfreak: That''s a good idea, to put it in terms of how he would feel if I picked out something large and important for him that he had to have for the rest of his life. I know that I would want to get him what he wanted since I know he''d be happy about that, but I''m just not sure if he quite feels the same way about the ring.

I don''t think he has bough the ring because there are some other things he need to get into order financially first, so imagine my surprise when he said that he''s been looking at rings. It''s about a year earlier than I ever expected him to be looking at them! And as for the Ritani setting, there are similar settings from Knox that are $1200-$1800 which is much more reasonable and I''ve been showing him those too:) Unfortunately he doesn''t seem to like them any better than the Ritani...although he sure likes the price;)

denverappraiser: Thank you, that''s some great advice:) Like I said to him, I''m sure we can find or design a ring that we both like. We just need to get out there and see rings in person first, and hopefully I''ll find one that I love almost as much as I love him;)
 
he is mad you dont like the ring he suggested. for whatever reason. tell him that a marriage is a partnership and it would be nice to select a ring that reflected that sentiment. you dont wnat to fight about it but you expect input into something you would wear forever. quite frankly his reposnse seems extremely childish and concerns me.............
 
bgray: Yes, his response was very childish and out of character. To be honest I can't even remember how I responded to his question about a cheap ring. I was just so stunned. The whole conversation was just strange. But he needs to understand that I'm going to marry him regardless and that just because I don't like the ring he likes, it doesn't mean I'm "rejecting" him. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to pick the perfect wedding band for him without his input, so of course I'll be picking out his band with him and will buy him whatever band he wants because I want him to love the ring he'll be wearing for the rest of his life.
 
Ok i went through your EXACT situation.. seriously... The ring your FI likes and the one my BF liked are almost identical...and I liked a ring with a halo as well

My FF liked a simple setting with not too much going on, but I loved bling everywhere... hehe

It took ALOT of searching but we found a ring that we both compromised on..

ULTIMATELY is it HIS decision on what to give you, but yes you do have to wear it and love it..

Why dont you look for a setting that has a nice thing band with diamonds, and no halo.

Here are what we liked.. his.. mine.. and our lovely compromise..

He thought the halo looked like costume jewelry too..

BBcompromise.jpg
 
HI:

Sounds like he has a limited experience/repitoire for ring designs; and your jewellry preferences.

Educate him; and when you do, I suggest you follow Denver Appraisers gnetle lead.

But not now. As Neatfreak said, the timing is not right.

However, don''t choose to be guilty--is a useless emotion--anymore than you would choose to wear a ring keep or make peace. You can choose nothing--no one "says" you need a ring (expensive or "cheap") to be engaged. Good luck!

cheers--Sharon
 
blondebunny: Sounds like the same situation for sure:) I had saved a bunch of ring pictures and actually one of them was similar to the compromise you suggested. And actually as soon as I showed my bf he said "That''s actually really nice." I guess I just had my heart set on a halo, hehe. Ok so my bf isn''t the only guy who thinks halos look like costume jewellery, although I still disagree with him;)

Here''s one I showed him that he actually liked, although then I pointed out that the center stone is over 2 carats, lol:

From PS - Cushion Compromise.jpg
 
I don''t really have any advice to offer but I like the ring you picked out better. I do agree with the comments that the guy should pick out the ring. My belief is that if they know you well enough and care enough about getting something you would love, he will pick the right ring. I trust my boyfriend completely and I know he will design the perfect ring for me. I know this thinking is a bit childish or immature but I believe in fairy tales :)

I have a friend who received a ring she finds extremely ugly. She has been engaged for a year now and sitll hates it (no talk of wedding). Give it some time but don''t settle for something you don''t like.
 
Date: 9/30/2008 7:41:43 PM
Author: Mr New York
Just playing the devils advocate... but this story sounds pretty one-sided. I have a feeling that his goal isn't to just get the setting HE loves. Maybes he did notice the price tag:


Ritani Bella Vita Solitaire

from $5,375.00

Bella Vita solitaire setting. Centerstone not included. Price will vary based upon finger size and carat weight.


------ This is just a quote I found online. I doubt it's any cheaper in the store you were at. I dunno. just a thought.


Maybe drop the name Ritani and you guys might find something you both like.
Click to expand...

I'd check with pearlmans on the Ritani pricing. they are very competitive with their designer setting pricing. also, ritani will make settings in palladium which can really help with the cost. this Ritani bella vita 3 stone ring is under 2K in palladium so solitaire the version you like would be even less.

http://www.pearlmansjewelers.com/jewelry-designers/ritani-jewelry/rings/50QQ1/0/
 
I have no issues with a man searching and surprising his fiancee to be but I still would hope he has some idea of her tastes. Nothing worse than getting a marquise in yellow gold when you want an emerald cut in platinum. I get the ring is a symbol but there is no reason it should be one she likes. A man can go alone and do it but I would think for a purchase of this significance and magnitude he would at least know what metal, stone shape and setting style she would like.
 
Also remember, you can always get a halo ring... but just wear it as a RHR I just got one actually :-) But I love the ring we compromised on alot, its definitely US.. not just him or me.. so it works perfect and its from Tiffs :-)
 
Your life together will be full of compromises. As others have said, you guys go shopping together and shop until you find a design that you both like, at a price that you both can agree on. We do that for all major purchases. A marriage is a partnership in many ways, including a financial partnership.

Best of luck to you both.
35.gif
 
Sounds like you guys are working on something you both like. I am sure me and my BF will run across similar issues. He is very tradational and his idea of an engagement ring is a Tiffany solitare. I am open to a solitare, but really like the look of pave. My friend got an antique engagement ring from the 20''s filled with pave on the head and the shank, he loved it, and I think that opened him up to more styles. He also saw how excited me, and many of the other girls got about that ring. After that, I have kind of droped him hints by showing him well made pave rings (he is a quality guy), and I hope I expanded his view. That is about all I can do, along with droping some more soft hints, because I know he will totally want to surprize me whenever he is ready, and I don''t want to take that away from him.

I think every coulpe who is in it for the long haul has to learn where they need to compromise. For some couples, that will mean finding a ring that can represent both woman''s tastes, and that the guy can take pride in saying, "look what I got for her."

I love the bela vita line, I think the ring you like is a beautiful ring, if you love a halo, I wouldn''t give up on the idea. Have you suggested that you go to a store with lots of styles (including ritani) and try on the styles you like and the styles he likes. These rings look very different in person than on photo. Guys are very visual, seeing a ring in person might change his mind about the quality. Also, seeing you face light up when you try on a ring you love might change is opinion as well.
 
Since you''re the one who wears it, you''re the only one whose opinion matters. Call me selfish if you must, but I just don''t think his opinion should matter. I would never try to force my personal tastes onto something that was important to my fiance.

Ask him how he would feel if you picked a wedding band for him that was the opposite of what he likes...say a yellow gold nugget style with a ruby center stone? And then told him the simple band he likes looks cheap? Or use the golf club/TV scenario-what would happen if you were the one picking out the golf clubs or TV he would use for the rest of his life and wouldn''t let him have any input? I''m pretty sure he''ll come around if he''s at all reasonable.

P.S. Any chance he bought the ring already? That could be an explanation for his uncharacteristically childish response.
 
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