What to do when both you and SO need support from each other?

[Sabine]

My FI and I are both going through a pretty difficult time right now. He''s a medical student, and he is currently on his surgery rotation, and he has been working from 4 AM to 6 PM, coming home, eating, studying for an hour or two, then going to bed. I am teaching (and have already decided this is not the profession for me) and trying to get through the end of a really difficult semester with troubled students. I''m also trying to do all of the wedding planning, and dealing with family issues that is making the planning a little extra stressful. And since FI''s schedule is so crazy, I''ve also picked up all the housework, chores, etc. that we usually split equally.

So needless to say, we''ve been bickering a lot lately. I come home exhausted, throw myself into wedding planning, run into road blocks, and ask for his help. He gets frustrated because he doesn''t have time to help me. Then he asks what''s for dinner, and I get frustrated because he expects me to plan and cook a meal on top of all the other stressors I have. We''re both tired, stressed, and frustrated, and we end up taking it out on each other when we really don''t mean to.

We''ve had serious discussions about our fighting because it is taking a toll on our relationship. We both realize that what it boils down to is that I''m struggling and looking for extra support from him, he''s struggling and looking for extra support from me, we both feel too strapped on time and energy to give support to the other, and then we feel guilty because we do WANT to be helping each other.

Now, our situation is pretty temporary. We''re getting married in a month. His surgery rotation ends in 3 weeks. He knows he does NOT want to go into a specialty as time consuming as surgery. We know that we can make it through this difficult time, but we''d like advice 1: How to do it better. When not having enough time/energy is the problem, how do you fix that other than making a major life change if needed (such as changing careers, etc.) And 2: We know that life will always be stressful, so when things get really bad, how do you support each other when you can barely keep your own head above water? We know that we can get through the next month and that things will be better after that, but we even brought up tonight, what if, heaven forbid, we went through something REALLY difficult, like losing a child. When you are both hurting, how do you help the other?

I know this was a pretty personal post, but as soon to be newlyweds, we''d love advice from those of you who have been married for a long time, since unfortunately, we don''t really have any role models in our lives who have the type of relationship and communication that we''d like to have. I think we are taking the first step by openly communicating about what is going on in our relationship, figuring out and sharing how we feel, and listening to one another, we just don''t see any good solutions/compromises when circumstances are beyond our control.

 

[Kaleigh]

I''ll take a stab, you are both stressed, two ships passing in the night. Leaving a thoughtful note is a nice idea, along with some cookies you made, or a light snack?? You can also pack a nice lunch for him to take to work the next day, leaving a sweet note inside.....

Sneak away when you are both free, even if it''s for 20 minutes, show up and say, I am stealing you for a cup of coffee.

I know this time is hard, luckily it''s temporary.

 

[Haven]

Great advice, Kaleigh. Those small gestures can make a big difference.

I''m sorry you''re having a difficult time, Sabine. I hope this all disappears when he''s done with his rotation and you''re done with the school year.

 

[neatfreak]

Go out to eat! Hire a cleaning lady! Seriously, if those things are causing major stress for you and you can squeak out a bit of $ to go out to eat a bit more frequently or hire someone to clean your apartment just until the wedding, do it! Anything that you can do to take some responsibilities off would help.

And just take some time out for each other. I know it''s frustrating and hard, and he''s super busy, but even if you can take 10 minutes before you go to bed each night to reconnect, with no tv or other distractions, it will really help you both feel better. You can vent to each other without yelling AT each other ya know?

I hope you guys feel better soon. Just know that medical school and planning a wedding/getting married are two of life''s biggest stressors, so if you can get through this you can likely get through anything together!

 

[pennquaker09]

Okay, so I have to say that I understand what you're going through. When I first met my partner, he was a resident and I was a junior in college (I was 19 and he was 27.) When you're 19 and dating someone you never see it does begin to get on your nerves. I would see him maybe 2 times a week. At the time, we were in New Orleans, and that fall we went through the Hurricanes so from September to January, I think I might have seen him 3 times. When I did get back to New Orleans, he was still in Houston, TX because the medical school made a temporary move there.

I was studying to be a teacher with a double major in math and chemistry, and the schools in New Orleans were really stressful. I would spend hours in labs and in addition to in-school clinics. He was finishing up his residency, but he was also applying to fellowship programs at the same time. His residency wasn't very time consuming, but his fellowship was in pediatric cardiology so for the last 2 years his focus has very much been on that. I started graduate school to get a masters to teach and my program was very intensive and urban based. So, I can really relate to the stresses that you are going through. I might have had it a little better because I was in a magnet type school, but teenager will be teenagers, even if they are smarter than most.

He's at the hospital 12 hours a day, and I'm in class - then coming home grading papers, writing a thesis, making lesson plans; so, who makes dinner and cleans the house? Well, he's not really at home, so that was another responsibility that I had to do. I'm not telling you that you HAVE to, but my dad is a doctor, so I grew up knowing the stresses of that kind of career. I don't think Nate's career is more important than mine as a teacher, but in terms of our relationship and our future, I had to make the sacrifices to give him that extra support. During all of this, I was planning a commitment ceremony. Nate really didn't help out with that AT ALL. I'm not sure if it would be possible, but do you have a wedding planner? If I wouldn't have had a planner, I think I would have lost my sanity. I would have some really stressful nights sometimes and he would make the effort to help me out, but for the most part, Nate was either sleep, at the hospital, or at the medical school. I don't know what to say other than that's just the way it is.

One thing that I will say is that he really shouldn't expect you to cook dinner. I think that's one of the things you guys have to talk about. And is he planning his time to the fullest extent? And that is really a serious question. I don't know if I have specific answers, but the best thing that I can say is that as long as you guys have love for each other and faith in the relationship, you can get through anything. Communication is an essential part of every relationship.

Honestly, it's going to get worse (in terms of his schedule) before it gets better. A surgery rotation is really not much compared to 4 years of an 80+ hour work week. When Nate started his residency, he was working 100 hour weeks. And peds is really not one of the more demanding specialties. But when it gets better, it's SO MUCH BETTER. I know it's a cliche`, but this is one of those cases when there is truly light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[pennquaker09]

Kaleigh, Haven, and neatfreak, alll mentioned going out for a day just to spend time together. I can tell you that this truly works. I have to be honest, I got tired of lunches in the CHOP cafeteria, but just seeing him for those few minutes just made my day brighter.

Every week we made sure that we did something together. When he starts his residency, I can''t tell you how important that is.

 

[moremoremore]

I dunno....when I was planning my wedding I was working as a full time attorney at my first "real" law job....from about 8:30 to 7 pm....and hated hated it...I also planned that entire wedding ALL by myself during that year and had some SERIOUS family issues (as in being disowned for marring outside of my faith)....He also started a new job and was working the same hours riding that subway....I can't make dinner? I just don't think wedding planning is real stress...sorry....and I think if someone is doing their residency, there is nothing more stressful...and studying at the same time..I always had dinner on the table at 7:30 when hubby got home...I also (not entirely by myself) cleaned b/c again, I don't think wedding planning is such a termendous thing....and I was VERY particular and had NO help and was reall really detail oriented...I'm not starting with you here or anyone else, but I would save the wedding discussions with him on a day off since men don't care much to begin with......I have drs in the family so I know how residence SUX...he's dealing with people's lives, not gowns and flowers...I also do know that's you're dealing with career issues...what are your hours? Are they typical teachers hours? More full time? That info helps...I'm NOT saying that you're not important, but I guess I don't see wedding planning as "real" stress...people getting sick, people taking new jobs, etc., that, to me is real stress. This is fun stress.

That said, I agree- hire a cleaning lady! Maybe get some pre-made food for the week! But honestly, my husband has always been a little "needy" when it comes to support...I've always had to be the one to give him a little more support I think and that's just the guy I married...I always joke and say right to his face "OOOOKKKKK, enough about ME, tell me more about YOU"....jokes help to diffuse...but I think you guys are on the right track talking about it and being open! Also, just give eachother "some" hahah...seriously, you're nicer to eachother after!

This too shall pass....

 

[diamondfan]

I think you need, like Lisa mentioned, to even just focus a few moments of time on each other. Just knowing that you are thinking about the other helps, even if you cannot do much more immediately. Life is stressful, and once you add kids and all that stuff that goes with that and other life stuff to the mix, well, it is tough. Finding ways to connect and keep it real are hard, which is why relationships, even the best of them, take work. People can grow apart so gradually over the years that it is not noticeable til it is too late, unless efforts are made. This is a temporary thing for right now, but other things might replace it later. So it is imperative to have re connect strategies to bring you back to center.

If you can get a bit of help with some of the drudge stuff, so you have more time and are less tired and annoyed to come home, that is one thing that really could work. One less thing on your plate to tackle upon coming home and entering a clean place is much nicer, especially if you are tired. The last thing you want to do with the little time you have is clean.

Go over the schedules. It just might be that til the wedding and his being more freed up in three weeks, it is going to be tough. But just talk, agree that this is what is occurring and try to find the happy and positive things that are surrounding you.

 

[Sabine]

Thanks Kaleigh, Haven, Neatfreak, Pennquaker, moremoremore, and diamondfan. I think doing little things for each other and making sure we do spend some quality time together, especially on the weekends, are great ideas for immediately making things at least a little better.

I would love to be able to go out to eat more or order in, as well as hire a cleaning service, but unfortunately one of the other huge stressors right now is money. We are trying to cut back on spending, so unfortunately, now is not the time to be adding another expense. I think this is contributing in a major way, since even when we do have time to do stuff together, we argue over what to do since neither of us wants to spend money, so then we end up sitting at home, him playing on his computer, and me on mine, and then we waste the time we do have together. But we tried doing some little quality things this weekend like walking the dog and going to the library, and even that seemed to help.

Luckily, I think once we get through this month things will be much improved. I know things will probably be bad again at other times, but I think at those points we will at least have more room to make changes. We are already planning that when he''s doing his residency (which will be even more stressful for him) I will go back to substitute teaching, which i LOVED compared to teaching full time. That is sounding soooo good to me right now, since I have to face dealing with police over some of the student problems going on this week!

 

[Kaleigh]

It's something you always have to work at. My hubby travels all the time, he's gone more than he is home. When he is home, he's working on deals, and it's very time consuming. I should practice what I preach and write loving notes. But now, it's more like, we are having dinner with the so and so's on the such and such date. Oh and if you play golf on Sunday, you're toast...

He leaves me notes too, like call the plumber the sink is clogged. Oh I hate that. Especially when he writes them with exclamation marks. UGHHHHH.

But today, he took me out for a lovely day, and lunch. No golf, woohoo.

 

[Elmorton]

Checking in - yes. Do you guys text message? DH and I text throughout the day. We have a little phrase that means a lot to both of us, and we''ll just text it when we have nothing to say but are just checking in. It''s a little immature I suppose, but it takes a total of two seconds, it''s not intrusive, and it''s a nice way to quickly connect midday. We''ve been doing it since we started dating and I still get a little rush and a big smile when I see that he''s texted.

A good friend of mine has a grueling sched as does her spouse, but they wake up earlier than normal every day to work out together. Their time at the gym is really important to them as their time together and she says it''s completely worth sacrificing an extra hour of sleep. Perhaps there is one ritual that you can make a time sacrifice for.

Maybe doing the cooking together could be one of those ways that you take the time to make a ritual out of the habitual. DH and I plan our meals in advance on Saturday or Sunday so we know what to look forward to during the work week and so there''s no mealtime meltdown. It''s a lot faster if you''re both working to make the meal - I''ve also learned to make a small snack (like celery sticks, popcorn, cut up a baguette, grapes) for both of us to eat when we start working (and we usually do a lot of talking and catching up at this point, too, so we''re moving slow). That way, even if it''s 9pm by the time we actually sit down to eat, we''re not starving the whole time. AND - a Rachel Ray tip - pour a glass of wine when you start to cook. On the stressful days, it really can take the edge off and it also makes it seem like dinnertime is unwind time rather than wind up time.

We haven''t weathered the tragic, but we have gone through rough times in the last year and continue to face challenges. I don''t know what the secret is, exactly, if there is one. We do talk about everything and we don''t hold back (without ranting), but we also laugh a lot - there''s no point in dwelling on the frustrations we face. We try to remember the funny things about our days so that''s what we can share with each other rather than the stress.

A friend of mine''s SO gave her a 10 min time limit on work bicker (she has an incredibly high-stress job), and she says it''s made their conversations so much better, because she gets to vent, but then the focus has to shift on happier topics. Not saying a couple should use Robert''s Rules, but time limits can be a good thing too

Hope some of those ideas help! It truly sounds like things are on the way to getting better, but this is such an excellent question - I''m looking forward to reading more responses and gaining insight as well

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 6/1/2008 8:22:38 PM
Author: Sabine
Thanks Kaleigh, Haven, Neatfreak, Pennquaker, moremoremore, and diamondfan. I think doing little things for each other and making sure we do spend some quality time together, especially on the weekends, are great ideas for immediately making things at least a little better.

I would love to be able to go out to eat more or order in, as well as hire a cleaning service, but unfortunately one of the other huge stressors right now is money. We are trying to cut back on spending, so unfortunately, now is not the time to be adding another expense. I think this is contributing in a major way, since even when we do have time to do stuff together, we argue over what to do since neither of us wants to spend money, so then we end up sitting at home, him playing on his computer, and me on mine, and then we waste the time we do have together. But we tried doing some little quality things this weekend like walking the dog and going to the library, and even that seemed to help.

Luckily, I think once we get through this month things will be much improved. I know things will probably be bad again at other times, but I think at those points we will at least have more room to make changes. We are already planning that when he''s doing his residency (which will be even more stressful for him) I will go back to substitute teaching, which i LOVED compared to teaching full time. That is sounding soooo good to me right now, since I have to face dealing with police over some of the student problems going on this week!

One of the best things DH has ever said to me was that "we are living 5 lives between the 2 of us". He is a grad school student and also has a full time job. He was involved in helping lead a church camp as well and had meetings almost every week. I am working on my undergrad and my major requires tons of huge projects. I also have a minor part time job. Once he said that, I instantly felt better. Anytime I''m feeling stressed or we''re arguing, I remind myself that we are stretched further than we will be at any other time in our lives and that it won''t last much longer.

I completely know what you mean about sitting at home, each person on their own computer... we do that alot. We go have coffee often but have downgraded from a large drink to a medium to help cut down the price. Our mealtime is important for us to connect and be able to talk but I don''t always have time to cook a full meal. Lately we''ve been having a lot of canned soup and sandwiches which take a lot less time but work just as well for dinner so I''d definitely recommend that if you don''t always have the time to cook. It sounds like things will get better soon so just hang in there!

 

[Pandora II]

- Cleaning Lady who irons! (essential - I don''t have time to clean and I hate doing it)

- Microwave meals or take-away - not that good for you, but doesn''t hurt for a couple of weeks. Or do a big cooking session and divide up and freeze a load of meals.

- Hug Breaks

- Lists - makes weddingplanning much less stressful

- Don''t bother asking a man about wedding stuff unless they are into that kind of thing! Or present two previously vetted options and let them choose!

I know exactly how you feel - most of my family are doctors. I juggle a full-time day job where I finish at 7.30pm and as a politician I have evening meetings straight after about 2 or 3 times a week, some of which don''t normally finish till 2.30am. Plus my FGA (and PS) take up nearly all my spare time.

FI also sits on loads of committees and also has a full time day job, so often we don''t see each other until 11pm or so.

We try to keep Friday nights just for us and go out for dinner or see a film. A break every now and then really helps and you get to spend fun downtime together.