What to do for a friend who just lost a sister?

[Jas12]

Looking for some input this morning

One of my good childhood friends has just lost her sister to cancer (breast brain and lung cancer). She was only 30 years old and in perfect health until developing breast cancer 2 years ago. The breast cancer was ''apparently'' in remission, only to reappear along with spots on the lung/brain. She was given just 2 months to live but actually lived for most of the year. Luckily she got to spend her last months at her cottage in our home-town surrounded by nature, home-cooking, her partner and her family.

I feel just devestated for my friend, I have offered my support but she is obviously just taking time with her family at this point--I don''t want to just send a bouquet of flowers since we are much closer than that--but buying a ''gift'' seems silly as well. I was thinking maybe a memory book/box for her to assemble when the time is right, but i am afraid that may be too intense right now??

Has anyone else experienced the loss of a close relative/friend and was there something someone did for you that stood out or was really appreciated??

 

[asscherisme]

I can tell you that when I lost my dad to suicide the WORST thing was when peoiple just dissapeared. People were afraid to be around me and did not know what to say or how to react so some just dissapeared. The worst cards are those that go on and on about how death is part of life and time will heal and all that sort of thing. The best ones were on the line of I'm here for you etc.

Suicide holds a stigma for the survivors and I have found people were almost afraid to be around me. Like it was somehow my fault or because I'm his daughter I'm infected somehow.

I think when a 30 year old dies from cancer, thats another situation that just scares people and shocks people and they are less prepared to deal with it than if an 80 year old died from cancer.

To this day, the friends I still have are the ones who were there. Not in my face there, but an occasional non judgemental phone call. The ones who I am not still friends with are the ones who just dissapeared. I actually had one person tell me that suicide runs in families and I better be careful to not kill myself in the future and that my fate may be the same as his one day. she never sent me a card, never followed up with me. Needless to say that was the end of the freindship.

I could not tell you who sent flowers, but a nice card with a hand written note to here, a phone call to see how she is, maybe visit her if you are close.

What meant the most to me was knowing my friends were there and available and made an effort.

What not to do: tell her that time will make her feel better, tell her its Gods way (on the flip side, I actually had several people tell my my dad was going to hell since he took his own life) Good thing I don't believe in hell but it still pissed me off.

I'm really sorry for your friend. Thats a horrible loss.

And be aware, that even after she appears to have moved on and feels better, she will forever carry the pain of loss with her. I carry it with me every day. It lessons but it does not go away. The worst thing was when I got back to my routines and put on my happy face for the world but was still dying inside.

I can tell you that losing someone you love is the WORST pain ever possible. I thought I had painful experiences in my life, but a sudden unexpected death of someone you love is an indescribable pain that no one who has not gone through it can understand. Its just awful. and its awful when people make comments assuming you are over it. You never fully get over it. You live your life and are able to enjoy life again, but a loss is a loss forver.

 

[Kaleigh]

When I lost my brother, the thing I greatly appreciated were the phone calls from my closest friends. I got super derpessed and didn''t want to be taken out to lunch, coffee, or dinner. But I did appreciate the calls, letters and cards.
One of my best friends lost her Mom suddenly last week. She''s super busy caring for her dad, who lives quite a distance away. I call her every morning to see what she needs, or just let her vent about her frustrations and feelings of loss and grief.
I think the best gift you can give her is the gift of your time, call her.
When I lost my Nanny, it was my friends who got me through it. They helped with the funeral, they helped clean out her room at the nursing home, and constantly where there for me.

HTH, I am sorry for your friends loss.

 

[Efe]

I think that the most supportive thing you can do is to be there for her not only now, but 2 weeks, 2 months and even 2 years from now. Having been through this same thing (the loss of a sister) I can tell you that I appreciated the most the people who supported me during the crisis stage (she died in a motorcycle accident) and beyond. I also really appreciated people who were comfortable with letting me talk about her. Dealing with the death is difficult enough, but then feeling as though your loved one never existed because nobody mentions them, is worse.

Amy, I felt sick when I read how some people treated you after the loss of your father. It is incomprehensible to me that people can be so stupid and/or cruel.

 

[FireGoddess]

It just sucks. No way around it.

When my friend's dad died from myeloma I sent her a huge Harry and David basket of food, fruits, and snacks so that there was something to munch on when they felt like eating. I also called and left a message, and sent a small tree to be planted in his memory.

When my friend lost her pregnancy VERY late (freak cord thing) I had a mutual, closer friend bring a casserole I made over to her house for the family to eat (she really wasn't up for anyone coming to see her yet). I also sent a bag of stuff for her - a journal to write in, fluffy socks, little stupid creature comforts to let her know I was thinking about her.

When my friend's husband died of leukemia we also sent a gift basket and flowers.

No matter what you do, any gesture is appreciated. It helps to know people care, even if that doesn't lessen the pain, IMO.

So sorry.

ETA: Amy, I'm sorry about what you went though. I will say (not to excuse it) that some people are just not comfortable in these situations and don't know WHAT to say, for fear they will make you feel worse. I felt that way when my friend's husband died. I didn't know what to say. A year later, when our friend lost her pregnancy, I asked the first one what helped her when her husband died, and she just said things like knowing people cared, cards, etc. When my friend lost the baby I did, along with the casserole, send a card, and it started with the words, 'I DON'T know what to say in a time like this, because words seem so insignificant. But I love you and I am here for you whenever you need it, for whatever you want.' My mom's BEST friend (I used that term loosely, because I'd knock that woman down in the street if I came across her now), upon hearing my mom had breast cancer, said 'omigosh I am here for you' and then NEVER surfaced again. To this very day. Mom could be dead for all this woman knows. Some 'friend.' The good ones, though, the KEEPER friends, even when they don't know what to say, will at least try.

 

[robbie3982]

I would stick to food and just being there for her whenever she needs you.

My college boyfriend (we dated for about 4 years) lost his older sister after we'd been together a bit over a year. It was a scuba accident. They never found out what happened to her. She went out for a dive with a coworker on New Year's Day and they never came back. She was 22. I was with him when he found out. It was one of the worst moments of my entire life. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better for any of them (I was really close with his family). He refused to talk about it at all. His mom did tell me that she hated when people told her things like "everything happens for a reason," and, "she's in a better place now." She said she wanted someone to just say "this sucks!" and just be there for her.

I think different people handle death very differently. My exbf couldn't talk about it. He bottled it all up and ran away from discussing her for the rest of our relationship. If I would've given him a memory box it would've upset him more than it would've helped. His mom, though, put up all kinds of pictures of her all over the house. I would take the lead from your friend. If she's talking about her sister, talk about her with her. If she's putting up pictures and looking through old things maybe the memory box would be ok.

 

[KimberlyH]

Some ideas that come to mind:

A meal delivered
Gift certificate to a local catering place (to help with food for memorial service if there will be one)
Donation to a charity in honour of her sister
A phone call (or lots of them)
A handwritten letter
Gift certificate to have house cleaned (in preperation for memorial service, lots of company, etc.)
A plant/tree

 

[Jas12]

Thanks for all the great advice everyone--seems the common theme is to just be ''present'' although we are in seperate cities right now I''ll make sure to just call and let her know I am thinking of her.
Robbie, you are right, reactions to death really depend on one''s personality to begin with. That is an awful story about your ex''s sister. A friend of mine''s 20 year old brother went missing last year and his body was found in a river weeks later after a very public search--it is the unknown of deaths like these that make them extra hard to deal with and make sense of. Sometimes parents and siblings never do. At least my friend was able to say goodbye to her sister.

Kimberly--thanks for the list of ideas. I like the gift-certificate to catering

Amy--it really is shocking how hurtful ppls comments were when you were already dealing with so much--IMO there is no excuse for that, I don''t care how awkward condolences over suicide are, who in their right mind would tell someone their parent was going to hell--just awful. You are a strong person to cope with that.