Home What mistakes did you make raising your children?

[Puppmom]

So DH and I recently started seeing a therapist. The main goal was to proactively come up with solutions to help DD through the last few years of her teens. She just turned 15, DH is not her biological dad (BD is not in the picture) and we're about to have a baby. We really felt like we needed some *coaching*. What I've learned so far is that I parent almost entirely on fear and worry.

For example, I had DD at 17 and the thought of her *dating* makes me nauseaus - not just uncomfortable. In turn, DD does not feel comfortable talking to me about boys because she thinks she's doing something *wrong* because she can sense my discomfort. I really have put a lot of focus subconsciously on making sure she doesn't get pregnant as a teenager instead of really giving her the tools to make good decisions in general. I imposed so many rules on her out of my own fear that she really doesn't know how to make decisions on her own.

I'm definitely learning a lot from therapy but sure do wish I had done it sooner! This is going to be a long road to undue a lot of my mistakes.

 

[cara]

Oh puppmom I have hopefully not made too many mistakes with my little fetus-child yet, but I feel that is only a matter of time! Kudos to you for going to therapy and recognizing what you are doing and seeing if it can help you parent your teen better for these next critical years. I make a lot of decisions in my life based on fear, and it doesn''t seem to be the best method of living life. I also watched my parents do some horrible parenting with my younger sibling - not the abusive kind - just the kind where you can see them setting up bad dynamics or perverse reward systems or ridiculously lax boundary systems, and it makes me want to do better at the same time I realize it can be very hard to see yourself objectively when you are the one in that situation.

Anyway, just rambling here but good for you for taking hard steps and hopefully they will pay off for your family.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I don''t have kids, but I wanted to echo a kudos to you for addressing what problems exist in your relationship with your daughter

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''m not aware of having made any mistakes but a) there''s plenty time yet and b) would I really be aware of them? Because they are just exactly that - mistakes. Not decisions to get it wrong, or anything to beat yourself up over. You''ve done everything in your power to raise you daughter to be safe and happy and you''ve given her all of your love for her whole life. Please don''t feel bad, and don''t underestimate the positive power of a loving parent. She may not want to talk to you about dating, but that''s not unusual.

I hope that the therapy helps you all to feel more comfortable with your family dynamic, but please don''t think you''ve got it wrong, because it sounds like you parented based on love and concern for your girl''s wellbeing. Don''t be too hard on yourself. Hugs.

 

[Puppmom]

I''m not beating myself up over here, I promise. I''m just doing my best to be a better parent moving forward. I definitely feel like I need some help doing that and, so far, the therapy (which honestly feels more like coaching) is helping.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

PM, have I ever told you how wise I think you are? We''re in the same general age bracket and my dear, you''re light years ahead of me. I aspire to be as good a mom as you are. The fact that you see the flaws/problems and are actively seeking a solution is great. My mother raised me. I was the only girl, I had two brothers, one 3 years older, one 13 years younger. Looking back I think in some ways my mom was too strict and didn''t allow me the rope to hang myself. Similarly she set herself up for failure by creating this wall that I couldn''t break down. That''s the same wall you''re talking about. The one where neither one of you are comfortable talking about serious girl stuff.

I would have LOVED to have had my mother there for me when I was beginning to date and experiment (I wasn''t allowed to date until 16). Our biggest fight revolved around her discovering I was having sex at 17 with my long term bf. She wasn''t upset about us fooling around, but she was upset that I didn''t talk to her about it first and ask for guidance (about bcp, etc). But there was that wall that I just couldn''t get over and her only way of communicating was in the dictator role she''d adopted.

Have you ever sat down with her and asked her if she had any questions about boys, sex, or why you parent the way you do (i.e., not wanting her to make the same mistakes you did)? Sometimes just knowing there is an open door within that wall helps.

 

[Jas12]

I think it''s only in hind sight that we see we made a mistake. Most caring parents don''t intend to make a bad choice & mess up a kid. I am not far enough along in my life as a parent to see what i did wrong, but i am sure there will be more than a few things!! We are imperfect ppl raised by other imperfect ppl.

The reason your post interested me is b/c just today my co-worker mentioned that he thinks he coddled his first-born son. He is struggling with a 9 yr old that is fearful and overly dependent on mom and dad. Their daughter (several years younger), who he claims they raised with an easy going, relaxed approach is consequently an easy going, well adjusted kid. He said he and his wife didn''t realize how over-protective and sheltering they were until the second child came along and they were no longer nervous first-timers. It''s not like he can undo the past, and it''s not like he did it with the intention of making life more difficult later on, but at least identifying the issue means that you can work on it in the present and prevent it from happening to the next kid

. I think you are making a wise choice in going for the ''coaching''. Your kids are lucky.

 

[MustangGal]

puppmom - the therapy is a great idea. My mom also got preggo young (15), and I think she imparted her fear onto her 3 daughters. If it helps, I made it to marriage before having sex, and my younger sisters waited until college. But, we never discussed boyfriends or relationships when we were teens, we knew that was a touchy subjet and just avoided it. I hope the therapy helps you and your daughter open up and get the communication flowing.

 

[Puppmom]

HH, thank you! That made my day! You make a good point...it''s definitely not a bad idea to just let her know why I''m worried. That way, she''ll know it''s not because I don''t trust her.

Jas, I''m definitely going to do my best to start off on the right foot with this baby. A lot of the extra work that we have to put in now is to *undo* some of what''s already ingrained. I too, put way too many rules and restrictions on her as a child - the consequence of course being that she WANTS independence but struggles to use it properly.

Mustang, the *rational* part of me knows that my fear is irrational but man is it hard to get past it! The therapist kept noting how I really focus on getting her our of highschool NOT pregnant. I ought to be setting my expectations higher than that!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/1/2010 2:41:19 PM
Author: puppmom
HH, thank you! That made my day! You make a good point...it''s definitely not a bad idea to just let her know why I''m worried. That way, she''ll know it''s not because I don''t trust her.


Jas, I''m definitely going to do my best to start off on the right foot with this baby. A lot of the extra work that we have to put in now is to *undo* some of what''s already ingrained. I too, put way too many rules and restrictions on her as a child - the consequence of course being that she WANTS independence but struggles to use it properly.


Mustang, the *rational* part of me knows that my fear is irrational but man is it hard to get past it! The therapist kept noting how I really focus on getting her our of highschool NOT pregnant. I ought to be setting my expectations higher than that!

More importantly than that, just let her know you''re there for her to talk with, or for support no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it makes either of you. If I knew my mother was going to act rationally when I approached her about BC, etc, then I probably would have. But she was reactive, not proactive and it was a bad situation. It made it seem like not only did she not trust me, but she thought I was a moron (to have sex without protection-we were using protection).

 

[swingirl]

I agree with everyone who says when you parent most people do the best they can based on who they are.

I have a suggestion for moms with teen daughters (and sons) because it worked for my daughter and me. Instead of asking her if she has questions I initiated many conversations where I just gave her the information. I told her sex was normal and enjoyable but came with big responsibilities. I told her the kinds of birth control that were available if she chose to have sex. I gave her her own medical insurance card and told her to use if need be and legally I would never have to know. I talked about STDs. We discussed drugs, suicide, anorexia, alcohol, abortion, date rape, internet security, everything I could think of. Many times she would annoyingly say, "I know that!" I''ll never know if any of it ever helped but it did make these subjects easier to talk about.

I also became the parent that was willing to drive anyone anywhere. And I made good on my offer. What I found was the "chit chat" that happens when girls are busy and forget the "chauffeur" might be listening is amazingly valuable. I could even interject a question or 2, like, "Is he cute?", "Does he live around here?", you get the picture.

I hope you are able to open up the lines of communication with your DD. You''ve got some good teen years left.

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

Puppmom, I can''t even begin to count the ways that I''ve screwed up as a parent! I have a teen daughter (16), too, and worry about her constantly. She''s such a sweet girl and really quite naive, so I dread the day when she has her heart broken. She has always kept a lot of her feelings to herself (or at least not shared them with me) and lately this is becoming an issue because her behavior indicates that something is going on, but she won''t talk.

Anyway, one thing I wanted to tell you is that you might be surprised at the effect of having a baby. My DD loves her younger brothers to bits and is always carrying the baby around or doing stuff with the 3 year old. I''d bet that many people think the baby is hers simply because she has him in her arms so much. She has told me a bunch of times that she''s not even sure that she wants kids at all, but if she does, it''s not going to be for a long time. It seems that seeing how much work her brothers take has been an eye-opener for her. I don''t make her change diapers or anything beyond simply asking her to hold the baby while I cook dinner/go to the bathroom/etc., so she hasn''t been forced into care taking.

I like Swingirl''s suggestion of giving her an insurance card and basically telling her that she can handle things without your help if necessary. I haven''t been down that road with DD because she is rather skittish with boys, but I was a young girl once and wish my parents had given me the option of getting on bc without them knowing.