What is your housework split with your SO?

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that it's important to feel like you're shouldering a reasonable amount, and that so is your SO. I also think it's very common to find yourself in an unbalanced arrangement after having a baby and it's important to renegotiate the terms of the division of labor if it's not working for either of you. I've never had much reason to complain about DH's contributions around the house, but after DD was born we had a period where he was going out 3-4 nights a week to mountain bike, go to trivia night, go to concerts, etc. This was partly my fault because I was always saying naively, "Oh, we'll keep hanging out with our friends and doing all the same things when we're parents," but suddenly I was trying to breastfeed a baby who was losing weight and DH was the only one of us who could still go out. As much as I wanted to believe that being parents wouldn't change our habits, it just didn't make sense for DH to go out 4 nights a week. What if I wanted to go out 4 nights a week? Then we'd never be together. So we had to renegotiate that one.

As for the division of labor, after DD was born, I went back to work teaching (AP English and journalism, so I had to do a lot of work on nights and weekends at home). I stopped cooking because I didn't have the time, so DH was in charge of that (takeout or cooking - his choice). We also had cleaners come every other week (a life saver). We consciously decided that childcare and household duties would be 50/50 since we were both working. After 5 months of working, I resigned at the end of the school year and have been SAH ever since.

Now that I am a SAHM, most household chores fall to me (which is fine with me since now I have the time and consider it part of my job), but DH is still very involved with DD. I think partly it's because he bonded with her and got a lot of confidence as a parent in the beginning, first when I had a c/s and couldn't do much, and then later when I went back to work and things were 50/50 (and he was the one who stayed home with her when she was sick because I didn't have any sick leave left). But my husband has always been the more emotional one, and the one who naturally likes kids (I like my own but am kind of stressed out by other people's), so I think it makes sense that he would be very mothering, for lack of a better word. It will be interesting to see if things are different when we have #2 in Feb or March since he won't have as much opportunity to be the sole parent. I imagine that at first he'll spend more time with DD while I tend to the baby.

 

[blacksand]

Ha. I work 42 hrs. a week. Two days a week I commute 1.5 hrs. each way to school after work, so on those days I'm out of the house from 7:30 AM until 9:45 or so PM. The other three days a week I work 10:30 AM to 7:30 PM, but then I have studying and homework to do in the evenings (and I am tired!). FI works 8:30 AM to 4:30 PM, pretty religiously, except maybe two or three times a year when he has to work on Saturday for a special project.

Basically, no one does chores at the moment, other than caring for pets. I have two bunnies and four guinea pigs. I do daily spot cleaning in the guinea pig cages and change the bunnies' litter box daily, and I vacuum the critter room twice a week (lots of hay and bunny fur). Guinea pig cages get a full cleaning once a week. I do all grooming, health checks, and am responsible for vet care as needed. I feed all the animals most mornings and every evening. FI will feed the critters in the morning if he sees I'm running late. He does change their water most days, without being asked, which is great. I don't expect him to do a lot with the critters, because it was my choice to adopt them, mostly before I met him. I'm grateful for whatever help I get with them. Other than critter chores, just about nothing gets done, ever. Under normal circumstances, when I'm not in school, I'm the one to plan meals, shop, and cook, I'm usually the one to do laundry, I'm the only one who vacuums, sweeps, dusts, and mops. Since I've had almost no time lately, these things aren't getting done. We're eating a lot of Lean Cuisine and living in filth. FI does wash the dishes and take out the garbage. He HATES preparing the recycling to go out, but will do it under duress (maybe every other week). FI will do basic cooking if I ask, but he needs direction as to what to cook and how to cook it. We used to argue a lot because he didn't automatically pick up the slack for me while I was in school, but I am realizing that I am just as much at fault as he is if I don't clearly communicate what I would like for him to do. He does not read my mind. I am working on communicating better what needs to be done and finding better ways to distribute our chores. I am making my poor FI sound bad here, but the truth is, if I ask him for help, he will always help me. I just have to ask. He doesn't have the same priorities that I do when it comes to housework. I know he feels the same way about me. Last weekend, when he found out his friend was coming over, he immediately ran outside and began scrubbing the glass panel on the front door. Said it was filthy and had been bothering him for weeks. I hadn't noticed it at all! But when I wanted to sweep the [filthy giant dust balls off of the] stairs, he thought I was being excessive and said we don't need to live in a 5-star hotel. So....yeah. Communication is key.

 

[lliang_chi]

We both work 9 hr days, but my commute is shorter than his. I' m usually out of the house from 8AM-6PM. I usually do some contract work for about 5-10 hrs a week. DH is usually out from 6:30-7:30PM. Unless he chooses to work late or go to the gym, then he doesn't come home until 8:30PM.

I do:
Cook dinner every day
Sweep & mop floors (got a Roomba to help with sweeping, and it does make it easier)
Dust whole house
Unload dishes 60% of the time
Load any post or pre-dinner dishes
Take the car for maintenance
2/3rds of dog walking
50% dog dinners
Clean 2nd bathroom
Vacuum
Laundry: my delicates and sheets
Clean kitchen counters
25% cleaning master bathroom
30% pick up around the house
50% take out the trash
75% bills
Take in mail
Vet visits
Bathing the dog

He does:
Non-food shopping (e.g. toiletries, cleaning supplies, paper towels etc)
Loads dinner dishes
50% take out the trash
50% dog dinners
Feeds the dog breakfast
75% cleaning master bathroom
70% pick up around the living room
Laundry: Colors & whites
40% Unload the dishwasher (clean dishes)

We both do the grocery shopping and we both take the dog on the last walk of the night.

 

[MuffDog]

This is definitely a thorny subject for us. We both work FT with hubs getting home about an hour before me usually. No kids.

DH does most of everything - he cooks at least three nights a week (I clean up if he cooks), and he does a lot of odd jobs around the house. He is also more likely to randomly clean something/empty the dishwasher.

I'm lazy. I have a high tolerance for mess and clutter, although I do prefer it when everything is clean. We used to argue a LOT about cleaning because I wasn't cleaning to his standard. When I tried to reason with him, saying that me cleaning to his standard is like me asking him to become messier - well he never really got it.

What did we do? Got a cleaning lady. Once every three weeks, whether we like it or not, the floors are scrubbed, showers cleaned, etc. Might seem like a long time but we do minor cleaning throughout the week but dont' stress about the deep clean because we know that our lady will come take care of it.

We each do our own laundry, but I take care of sheets/ towels etc.

When we went to pre-marital counselling course, our instructor taught us something very valuable (and along the same lines of what Fiery said). He suggested that we should each do 50% of the jobs, 100% of the time.

Example - if hubs's job is to do the garbage, when it is full, I don't have to do it. He looks at it and thinks "better take that out" instead of "it isn't my turn" or "I'm always doing it" which can cause conflict and resentment.

If it is always my job to tidy after dinner, then I won't resent doing it or think it should be his turn, YKWIM?

Anyways - I think that could be a good way of dividing chores. Not thatI want to go back to the 'old days' but, the division of labor seemed to work back then. Women did all of the inside work, and men did all of the outside work (I don't just mean the lawn - I mean farming, etc). There was never a debate about who should do what. Of course, now that women are working the same as men, the system doesn't work quite the same, but the idea is still good. Duties can be divided in such a way so there is little to no conflict.

Easier said than done, right?! haha

 

[Lanie]

Thanks for all of the replies. I need to have a convo with him now bc he is out of town lots going hunting, fishing, or sports games. I got one girls weekend which was fabulous, but he has done so many other things with his friends. I have felt like a single parent at times, and that is not cool. I was having a moment last night, which caused me to write the post. i'm calmer now, but I really need to discuss this with him.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I think making my list helped me see it for myself. It also helps to see what other husbands are capable of contributing. My DH is like Octavia's...I'll say it bothers me, and he'll help for a week, but then he'll slide back to watching TV the whole night while I am cleaning the kitchen and getting the baby ready for bed. And yes, I realize that you can't compare your relationship to others. Like I said, I was kind of wanting to see if maybe I was doing a normal amount and just complaining about it, but I can see that I am doing way more. Bottom line -- we need to renogotiate pronto or I'm going to be an unhappy wife!

 

[packrat]

Our work is split into: he does what he wants when he wants and I do the rest. Unless I don't know how to do it, like fixing things or sharpening blades, trimming trees, then it's..well..done when he wants to do it.

Granted, he works full time, sometimes 50+ hours a week..but the stuff still needs to get done, yes? He still has PLENTY of time to do his hunting and trapping and talk on the phone w/his guy friends and play on his hobby forums and watch Michigan on the sports channel. I don't force him to get up at any certain time, (he works 2nd shift) so he can sleep as late as he wants, and if he doesn't feel like doing anything that day but being on the computer and watching tv..then that's how it is.

I'm on call in our household. The only time I'm not is from 8am to 6pm Wednesday when I work at the Drs office. I'm on call if I'm sick, post surgery, the night before I have to work, all the time. If I was up all night w/a sick kid and he couldn't sleep because of it..he'll get to take a nap and I'll get to use my amazing skills of functioning on little/no sleep and take care of the kids and house so he can sleep. I can count on one hand and have fingers left over the times he's gotten up w/the kids in 8 years-and really it does me no good to have him get up b/c I'm such a light sleeper. A helicopter would have to crash into the bedroom for him to hear it..the carbon monoxide detector went off one night at like 3am and I couldn't get it to shut off-he didn't wake up until I shook him awake-and I had the screeching alarm in my HAND next to him.

We've talked about me working more..and for all those reasons, I refuse. I need to have some time for ME, even if it's just screwing around on the computer or reading/watching my tv shows, and the more I work, the less time I'll have to do all the things that I do around here, b/c nobody else will do them.

We've had discussions about it..like when he wants to be gone the whole morning to do his thing and leave me to get ready for a birthday party by myself, so not only do I have to get myself ready, it's both kids and the house and get things laid out to have the party, while he's out hunting a turkey or whatever, and then just comes home, jumps in the shower and meets people at the door.

He's got it pretty easy around here I think. And I do get irritated b/c there's not much appreciation for everything I do.

He will do something if I ask, like if we're having people over, I'll ask him to stop watching his game and vacuum so I can shower quick. But it's not something that is an ongoing deal.

He does cook too..not as much now as when I was working 3 days a week, but now and again.

 

[Laila619]

Thanks for all of the replies. I need to have a convo with him now bc he is out of town lots going hunting, fishing, or sports games. I got one girls weekend which was fabulous, but he has done so many other things with his friends. I have felt like a single parent at times, and that is not cool.

Definitely not cool! Lanie, I (somewhat) jokingly told DH he's not allowed to go out at night until Luke is two or three, because he's such a handful right now.

 

[zoebartlett]

I thought of something I wanted to add. As much as it drives me crazy that I'm more motivated around the house, I do have more time than my husband does. Our hours are different, too. I'm a teacher, and I'm usually at school by 7:00. I leave around 4:00. From the time I leave the house in the morning to the time I get back home in the late afternoon or early evening (~45 minute commute), my day is usually close to 11 hours long. My husband's day is 10 hours most days, sometimes more if he works late. He works from 9ish-5:30 or 6:00, and he has about an hour's commute to his office.

 

[fieryred33143]

Lanie I get it. That was and to some extent still is a sore subject for us.

Let me ask you. Is it that when you go out he gets upset with you? Or is it that you feel you don't have as much time?

My FI always finds time for himself. Always. ALWAYS. I never did so I got mad at him. In reality though, all I ha to do was ask. He didn't care if I met a friend for coffee or dinner or went to do my nails. I just had to ask. I also had to get over the guilt. I think a lot of times working moms feel guilty about being away. Like you spend 40+ hours away and now you want to take an extra 2-4 hours to yourself? Doesn't feel right. But it IS right and it IS ok. It's harder to see that when LO is younger and so so dependent on mom & dad. As they get older you kind of see that yeah they miss you while you are gone but they don't hate you or are angry at you for being gone.

And believe me when I was not taking time for myself I was so so mad at everything I had to do. I'm not mad anymore and we haven't changed our routine. I just added time for myself.

Not sure if that's what's going on but that's what it was for me so I understand.

 

[fieryred33143]

Oh and I like the idea of a cleaning person :p

 

[Lanie]

fiery -- yes!!! You are getting more and more to the issue I think. He's completely willing to watch Anderson while I have brunch with friends or get my nails done, go shopping, etc. I think it's more of the guilt I'm feeling. I don't want to say it's unfair that he spends time away from home doing stuff, and that I'm at home "stuck" with the baby, bc it's not that (not implying you or anyone said that). I love being at home with the baby. I just can't imagine, as the mom, telling him, OK, I'm going to be out of town this weekend and this weekend and I'm going to this place for 9 hours this day, etc. I would never do that, but he does without batting an eyelash. So that combined with the housework issue is really eating away at me.

Before baby, we did about equal housework. I had to tell him what to do, but he'd do it, and he's still that way. After baby came, I know he felt slighted and useless, and maybe a little piece of that still continues. So his way of dealing with it is to back off and let me handle whatever, instead of jumping in and making himself useful and feeling in the loop.

I think the issue is this: I'm the mom so I'm expected to take care of the baby more, naturally. Sexist or not, that's just the way it is with us. So when it comes to the other domestic issues, I don't know if he's just internally expecting me to do those as well. Either that, or he really is clueless and doesn't realize how draining this is on all of me!

Side note -- as I'm typing this, he has cleaned the kitchen up after dinner and put away Anderson's toys. I think he might have read this!

I'll stop commenting now, bc I didn't want to turn this into a Lanie pity party!!! It is still interesting to me to see who does what in other relationships, and who owns up to being lazy or not doing their share.

 

[FrekeChild]

Seeing as how I'm 8.5 months pregnant, this looks very different from how it does when I'm not pregnant.

Me:
Work 40+ hours per week (legal assistant)

Vacuum
Sweep/mop
Cooking

Him:
Works 30ish hours per week (phd student/instructor/research assistant)

Takes dogs out/feeds
All Laundry
Dishes
Takes out trash
Cleans bathroom
Handles finances

Together:
Grocery shopping
Clean kitchen
Necessity shopping (gas, shampoo, etc)
Linens
Wash dogs


When the baby gets here we have it arranged (due to my boss being a single mom & my husband's super flexible schedule) that we will not have any childcare to worry about, as he will be teaching at night, and I will be at work from 8-4 Monday-Friday. So she will always be with one or both of us. I imagine we'll be able to work it out pretty well so that we'll split things pretty evenly.

We really try to do things together - takes half the time!

 

[SB621]

My DH definitely gets the short od of the stick.

He works 9-12 hour days, comes home and makes dinner. Does all yard work, dishes, taking out garbage etc. We also have a 15 month old that he baths everynight and helps me put him to bed.

I work from home. I take DS to and from daycare almost everyday (DH does sometimes in the morning). I sometimes assist with making dinner, or help unloading the dishwasher. We have a cleaning lady that does the majority of the cleaning. I do pay all the bills and track our finances etc. The one big thing I do is basically do all the laundry. So yeah...I really get away with doing almost no house work for the most part.

 

[Bliss]

Lanie!!! I feel ya! It isn't a cakewalk, that's for sure!

This post hits close to home because we had such growing pains over it!!!! When DD was born, I was overwhelmed with the simple act of caring for her so my "job" for the first few months was to rest and nurse. DH took over everything else. Even then, it was hard!

We made a serious commitment from the beginning to breastfeed exclusively and not give our baby any formula so that pretty much took over my whole life initially. If you EBF, you are up all night every 2 hours. Fun!!! I didn't do one household chore for the first six months. Didn't even wash one dish. We had our moms fly in to help us in shifts so life was a lot easier the first 6 months.

This came to a screeching halt once we decided to take over without our moms helping out. I foolishly thought it would be easy to take care of the baby and do light housekeeping. Ha!!! HA!!!! Of if you have a baby you can put down for a few minutes while you tidy up...God bless you!!! I didn't have this luxury so I was literally carrying her all day, pretty much unable to do anything productive.

I really resented the fact that DH wasn't tied down the way I was. I felt that going to work was a fun filled vacation compared to my life at home during maternity leave. I mean, the man got to eat lunch that wasn't cold or interrupted! He could PEE!!!!! ALONE!!!!!! Imagine such decadent luxury!!!!!! Yes!!!! I was jealous!!!!!!! And I resented the fact that the house just went by the way of total entropy.

Poor DH just couldn't understand why it was so hard for me to do the bare minimum in terms of keeping things somewhat tidy. He already did all the chores, washed my pump parts every time...did everything. So why couldn't I just put things away and not leave stuff lying around? Hmmmm...could it be sleep deprivation and a baby who hung off me 24-7??????? Hmmmm!!!! Imagine that!!!! He was in for a ruuuuuude awakening. *insert wicked cackle of glee*

You see, DH didn't truly understand how difficult it was to get anything done with our super active go-go-go baby until I went back to work. He was suddenly Mr. Mom 2 days a week and that is when he reaaaaally realized how incredibly hard being a mom is. Of course he knew it before, but there is nothing like a crash course to teach a man how insanely hard it can be. He was AWESOME at it but just like me, didn't get anything done. I'd come home to chaos after leaving a clean environment and LAUGH!!!! BEST THING EVER!

So DH sees more than ever now that working is freaking EASY and a cakewalk compared to being at home with the baby!!!! I don't care what kind of job it is, working is like VACATION!!! Staying at home caring for a baby is a million times more demanding physically and emotionally.

Whoever does it deserves parades, trophies and wreaths. We both agree completely over this fact and that has probably saved our relationship from ever breeding any resentment I might feel if he didn't 'get' it. He GETS it now...oh yes...mua...muahahahaha....MUAAHAHAHAHA!!! (Evil laugh of glee!) You just had to have been there when I walked in from work to a husband ready to prostrate himself at my feet after experiencing a slice of motherhood. I highly recommend it!

Anyway, so whenever he voices a complaint like how tired he is, he prefaces it with, "I know you're going through this a million times over, but..." Before he "got" it, he'd say things like, "Gee, I am so tired!" I'd be sitting there wanting to fling applesauce at him across the room. LOL

So anyway... DH is the breadwinner and can work some crazy hours. He is a great provider and I am so proud of him. He does have some flexibility in his schedule which allows him to work from home at times. So at this point, he does 100% of the housework including all cleaning and laundry. He does all the finances and we grocery shop together because we enjoy it. Most of our regular groceries come by delivery, though!

I think this may be somewhat cultural, too. Most Taiwanese men we know also do all the household chores. Where I shine is, I'm an awesome cook!!! Love to cook!!!! So I'm in charge of making healthy organic meals for us all and DH seems to think this is an equitable division of labor. We both consider child care to be THE most important and challenging "job" in our family. It is THE position of respect in our family over even being a breadwinner.

As for me, I work 2 days a week and DH takes over child care on those days. But my job is pretty nice so I still get to come home in the middle of my day to nurse and play with her for about 2-3 hours. That means he doesn't care for her the full day unless I can't leave work, which is rare. I used to work full time until I got pregnant and negotiated a part time schedule because I love my job, darn it! Still struggling over whether to give it up entirely yet. At times, I want to quit to be with DD 100% of the time. Other times, I want keep working to have something for myself. I've also worked my entire life to get where I am and if need be, we could live off my income so it's hard to give it up. But I struggle with it each and every day. I also want DD to be proud of all her mom has accomplished. I know, I know! She'd love me either way. My mom was a SAHM and I idolized her. It's so hard for women to give up their entire careers, especially if we are really good at what we do and enjoy it. I suppose it's a struggle unique to women because when we're out of the workforce, we're out for a while taking care of our kids. Ahhh, it's a topic for another thread I guess!

But in turn, I take over most of the care of DD. We both change diapers, have bath time and play time. I still nurse her, which we are both thrilled and proud of doing. I'm the "baby manager" and DH is "house manager." DH also takes the baby for an hour or two in the mornings so I can sleep in most days unless he has an early morning meeting. This is so Mommy doesn't go insane from lack of sleep. DH has learned that Happy Wife = Happy Life.

In all, we took a hard look at what was best for our family. What works for others didn't work for us and I'm sure how we roll wouldn't fly with others either. We had to make some hard decisions early on and stick to them. One was EBF. To do that, a woman needs a village of support or she will fail. That was really important to us and we prioritized it. The other was no outside child care - no nannies, no daycare. So that pretty much took me out of the household chores equation. Both of us want to be home with DD every spare moment so trips are rare for either of us. One the rare occasion DH goes out of town, we fly one of our moms in so that I can have some fun and free time, too.

Everything else worked around those basic tenets and I guess we have sacrificed our time and energy to make it happen. We also know that DD won't be little forever. We're more than happy to be flexible so she can have the best life we can offer her while she is so young.

Now that DH's getting busier, however, he can't carry the whole load of household chores so we're looking into hiring help. We didn't initially because we're kind of paranoid about using harsh chemical cleaners. Also, some of the stories about maids (including the ones I've read on PS - like the one who used the dish sponge to scrub toilets and kept making the entire family ill from e.coli poisoning) scare us! But we're going to have to do it!

Yep. Having a kid really changes things. It is so rewarding but like all things of great value - it comes at a tremendous sacrifice!!! Everyone says that it goes by so fast so we're also trying to cherish each fleeting moment! Babies are so much work but they are just soooooo YUMMY and awesome. Crazy as it is, I want more! Crazy, isn't it??? I'm CRAZY! Someone lock me up!!!!

 

[Lauren8211]

Lanie!!! I feel ya! It isn't a cakewalk, that's for sure!

This post hits close to home because we had such growing pains over it!!!! When DD was born, I was overwhelmed with the simple act of caring for her so my "job" for the first few months was to rest and nurse. DH took over everything else. Even then, it was hard!

We made a serious commitment from the beginning to breastfeed exclusively and not give our baby any formula so that pretty much took over my whole life initially. If you EBF, you are up all night every 2 hours. Fun!!! I didn't do one household chore for the first six months. Didn't even wash one dish. We had our moms fly in to help us in shifts so life was a lot easier the first 6 months.

This came to a screeching halt once we decided to take over without our moms helping out. I foolishly thought it would be easy to take care of the baby and do light housekeeping. Ha!!! HA!!!! Of if you have a baby you can put down for a few minutes while you tidy up...God bless you!!! I didn't have this luxury so I was literally carrying her all day, pretty much unable to do anything productive.

I really resented the fact that DH wasn't tied down the way I was. I felt that going to work was a fun filled vacation compared to my life at home during maternity leave. I mean, the man got to eat lunch that wasn't cold or interrupted! He could PEE!!!!! ALONE!!!!!! Imagine such decadent luxury!!!!!! Yes!!!! I was jealous!!!!!!! And I resented the fact that the house just went by the way of total entropy.

Poor DH just couldn't understand why it was so hard for me to do the bare minimum in terms of keeping things somewhat tidy. He already did all the chores, washed my pump parts every time...did everything. So why couldn't I just put things away and not leave stuff lying around? Hmmmm...could it be sleep deprivation and a baby who hung off me 24-7??????? Hmmmm!!!! Imagine that!!!! He was in for a ruuuuuude awakening. *insert wicked cackle of glee*

You see, DH didn't truly understand how difficult it was to get anything done with our super active go-go-go baby until I went back to work. He was suddenly Mr. Mom 2 days a week and that is when he reaaaaally realized how incredibly hard being a mom is. Of course he knew it before, but there is nothing like a crash course to teach a man how insanely hard it can be. He was AWESOME at it but just like me, didn't get anything done. I'd come home to chaos after leaving a clean environment and LAUGH!!!! BEST THING EVER!

So DH sees more than ever now that working is freaking EASY and a cakewalk compared to being at home with the baby!!!! I don't care what kind of job it is, working is like VACATION!!! Staying at home caring for a baby is a million times more demanding physically and emotionally.

Whoever does it deserves parades, trophies and wreaths. We both agree completely over this fact and that has probably saved our relationship from ever breeding any resentment I might feel if he didn't 'get' it. He GETS it now...oh yes...mua...muahahahaha....MUAAHAHAHAHA!!! (Evil laugh of glee!) You just had to have been there when I walked in from work to a husband ready to prostrate himself at my feet after experiencing a slice of motherhood. I highly recommend it!

Anyway, so whenever he voices a complaint like how tired he is, he prefaces it with, "I know you're going through this a million times over, but..." Before he "got" it, he'd say things like, "Gee, I am so tired!" I'd be sitting there wanting to fling applesauce at him across the room. LOL

So anyway... DH is the breadwinner and can work some crazy hours. He is a great provider and I am so proud of him. He does have some flexibility in his schedule which allows him to work from home at times. So at this point, he does 100% of the housework including all cleaning and laundry. He does all the finances and we grocery shop together because we enjoy it. Most of our regular groceries come by delivery, though!

I think this may be somewhat cultural, too. Most Taiwanese men we know also do all the household chores. Where I shine is, I'm an awesome cook!!! Love to cook!!!! So I'm in charge of making healthy organic meals for us all and DH seems to think this is an equitable division of labor. We both consider child care to be THE most important and challenging "job" in our family. It is THE position of respect in our family over even being a breadwinner.

As for me, I work 2 days a week and DH takes over child care on those days. But my job is pretty nice so I still get to come home in the middle of my day to nurse and play with her for about 2-3 hours. That means he doesn't care for her the full day unless I can't leave work, which is rare. I used to work full time until I got pregnant and negotiated a part time schedule because I love my job, darn it! Still struggling over whether to give it up entirely yet. At times, I want to quit to be with DD 100% of the time. Other times, I want keep working to have something for myself. I've also worked my entire life to get where I am and if need be, we could live off my income so it's hard to give it up. But I struggle with it each and every day. I also want DD to be proud of all her mom has accomplished. I know, I know! She'd love me either way. My mom was a SAHM and I idolized her. It's so hard for women to give up their entire careers, especially if we are really good at what we do and enjoy it. I suppose it's a struggle unique to women because when we're out of the workforce, we're out for a while taking care of our kids. Ahhh, it's a topic for another thread I guess!

But in turn, I take over most of the care of DD. We both change diapers, have bath time and play time. I still nurse her, which we are both thrilled and proud of doing. I'm the "baby manager" and DH is "house manager." DH also takes the baby for an hour or two in the mornings so I can sleep in most days unless he has an early morning meeting. This is so Mommy doesn't go insane from lack of sleep. DH has learned that Happy Wife = Happy Life.

In all, we took a hard look at what was best for our family. What works for others didn't work for us and I'm sure how we roll wouldn't fly with others either. We had to make some hard decisions early on and stick to them. One was EBF. To do that, a woman needs a village of support or she will fail. That was really important to us and we prioritized it. The other was no outside child care - no nannies, no daycare. So that pretty much took me out of the household chores equation. Both of us want to be home with DD every spare moment so trips are rare for either of us. One the rare occasion DH goes out of town, we fly one of our moms in so that I can have some fun and free time, too.

Everything else worked around those basic tenets and I guess we have sacrificed our time and energy to make it happen. We also know that DD won't be little forever. We're more than happy to be flexible so she can have the best life we can offer her while she is so young.

Now that DH's getting busier, however, he can't carry the whole load of household chores so we're looking into hiring help. We didn't initially because we're kind of paranoid about using harsh chemical cleaners. Also, some of the stories about maids (including the ones I've read on PS - like the one who used the dish sponge to scrub toilets and kept making the entire family ill from e.coli poisoning) scare us! But we're going to have to do it!

Yep. Having a kid really changes things. It is so rewarding but like all things of great value - it comes at a tremendous sacrifice!!! Everyone says that it goes by so fast so we're also trying to cherish each fleeting moment! Babies are so much work but they are just soooooo YUMMY and awesome. Crazy as it is, I want more! Crazy, isn't it??? I'm CRAZY! Someone lock me up!!!!

Bliss, I'm making DH read this post tonight. Our baby is due next month, and I think it'll help him have some understanding of how tough it could really be for me. If he came home and said a WORD about stuff not getting done around the house after I have this kid, I'd break down in hysterics. For real.

 

[fieryred33143]

Nevermind. Not worth the effort.

 

[nfowife]

I'm a SAHM and DH is a military pilot. He works regular hours when he's home but is gone for 2-3 weeks about every 6 weeks on and off.
Me:
All cleaning (he will do stuff if I ask, like loading/emptying dishwasher after meals)
laundry
shopping
cooking
childcare during the week/shuttling kids various places

DH:
Everything pertaining to the outside of the house (lawn care- we have a mowing service, but he maintains the beds, fertilizing, etc.)
trash
car maintenance
bill paying and finances (most are auto debited but a few are still paper bills and he takes care of those)
dry cleaning (mostly his stuff since I SAH)
puts kids to bed
He'll do cleaning if I ask but it doesn't really dawn on him for the most part. He can live in filth with no worries.

 

[bee*]

I'm a student (on time off at the moment) and DH works about 50-60 hours a week so at the moment I'm doing pretty much all housework. When we're both out of the house all day, we try and share housework but no matter what I always do the cooking and look after our furbabies. DH does most of the hoovering.

 

[Bliss]

Elledizzy, it wasn't easy getting here. We had some growing pains, to be sure! I can't imagine having a baby involves a smooth transition. If some couples have a smooth transition, God bless 'em! I'll sign up for lessons immediately!

I went through some resentment early on because I felt overloaded with baby care AND being expected to clean house. Of course when I'm working and DH is caring for the baby, I step in and zoom around tidying up and doing laundry. But when I'm caring for the baby, he takes over all of the household chores. He wants DD to get my attention and take priority. Same for me when he's caring for her. Heck, I don't care if the house isn't spotless so long as it's clean and tidy most of the time. It works for us. I wish I had an easy baby but we simply don't. She wants to be carried all the time, sung to, read to and etc. She's not a sweet pumpkin you can sit down in the baby jail (playpen haha) while you do something. I am very very jealous of moms who have self soothing babies!!!!!

It all works out in the end. Mostly, I've found that you have to verbalize everything. "I need help" - those three words go a long way! All joking aside, child rearing is an Olympic effort for all and there is bound to be friction as you adjust to new roles and fill new needs. Hugs to all! It's a juggling act all the time no matter what!

This is a humorous take on it all!
http://www.babble.com/mom/work-family/shared-parenting-after-job-loss-work-life-balance/

 

[Bliss]

Lanie I get it. That was and to some extent still is a sore subject for us.

Let me ask you. Is it that when you go out he gets upset with you? Or is it that you feel you don't have as much time?

My FI always finds time for himself. Always. ALWAYS. I never did so I got mad at him. In reality though, all I ha to do was ask. He didn't care if I met a friend for coffee or dinner or went to do my nails. I just had to ask. I also had to get over the guilt. I think a lot of times working moms feel guilty about being away. Like you spend 40+ hours away and now you want to take an extra 2-4 hours to yourself? Doesn't feel right. But it IS right and it IS ok. It's harder to see that when LO is younger and so so dependent on mom & dad. As they get older you kind of see that yeah they miss you while you are gone but they don't hate you or are angry at you for being gone.

And believe me when I was not taking time for myself I was so so mad at everything I had to do. I'm not mad anymore and we haven't changed our routine. I just added time for myself.

Not sure if that's what's going on but that's what it was for me so I understand.

Fiery, this post hit home for me because I have lately felt like my hobbies have gone kaput! How do men somehow find the time for themselves? They are so good at carving out that time no matter what. I think working helps since they're out of the house more. Surprisingly, DH is also good at playing with his DSLRs while babywearing. Huh? She never lets ME do that! I miss my Kindle. I keep repeating to myself...Once she's in school, once she's in school... LOL

Anyway, I'm sorry it's a sore subject for you sometimes. The scary part is, moms tell me it only gets tougher - but in different ways. GAH!!! At least my expectations are realistic this time around. I really thought it would be easy before the baby came into our lives. But it looks so easy on TV! Kidding. Baby steps. That's what I keep reminding myself, anyway! At least your Sophia is so darned beautiful and cute. Does it get more fun when they're talking? I'm so looking forward to that.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have one child at home he is 14 so he pretty much takes care of himself....I do work from home, but I work 4-10 hour days M-F, Hubby works 3-12 days Fri-Sun

During the week:

Me: not much

20% of cooking
10% of dishes
10% of laundry

Him:
80% of cooking
90% of dishes
50% of laundry

Weekend:
Me:
100% of cooking
100% of cleaning
100% dishes
100% of laundry

Him: not much

Basically he does most everything during the week and I do it on the weekend...the only difference is he doesnt clean the house AT ALL, I do that on the weekend and trust me I have yelled and nagged...he just wont do it

He does all the stuff for the cars, we split go to the grocery store, he goes for a short trip, I do the main shopping (he spends too much money), him and my son handles most of the outside yard work, we all take out trash.

I guess it works for us...I just wish he would do a little more housework.

 

[Pandora II]

Bliss, my cleaner uses what I provide for her, so it's up to me what chemicals come into our house.

I also buy all the different cloths - different colours for different rooms - and other bits and pieces (I like real furniture polish, not that ghastly Pledge spray-on horrible stuff). She lets me know when things are running low and I buy some more.

 

[Sha]

Lanie I get it. That was and to some extent still is a sore subject for us.

Let me ask you. Is it that when you go out he gets upset with you? Or is it that you feel you don't have as much time?

My FI always finds time for himself. Always. ALWAYS. I never did so I got mad at him. In reality though, all I ha to do was ask. He didn't care if I met a friend for coffee or dinner or went to do my nails. I just had to ask. I also had to get over the guilt. I think a lot of times working moms feel guilty about being away. Like you spend 40+ hours away and now you want to take an extra 2-4 hours to yourself? Doesn't feel right. But it IS right and it IS ok. It's harder to see that when LO is younger and so so dependent on mom & dad. As they get older you kind of see that yeah they miss you while you are gone but they don't hate you or are angry at you for being gone.

And believe me when I was not taking time for myself I was so so mad at everything I had to do. I'm not mad anymore and we haven't changed our routine. I just added time for myself.

Not sure if that's what's going on but that's what it was for me so I understand.

Fiery, this post hit home for me because I have lately felt like my hobbies have gone kaput! How do men somehow find the time for themselves? They are so good at carving out that time no matter what. I think working helps since they're out of the house more. Surprisingly, DH is also good at playing with his DSLRs while babywearing. Huh? She never lets ME do that! I miss my Kindle. I keep repeating to myself...Once she's in school, once she's in school... LOL

Anyway, I'm sorry it's a sore subject for you sometimes. The scary part is, moms tell me it only gets tougher - but in different ways. GAH!!! At least my expectations are realistic this time around. I really thought it would be easy before the baby came into our lives. But it looks so easy on TV! Kidding. Baby steps. That's what I keep reminding myself, anyway! At least your Sophia is so darned beautiful and cute. Does it get more fun when they're talking? I'm so looking forward to that.

Ohhh, I got so mad with DH last night I was almost in tears. After putting D to bed I was having a little 10 minute lie-down by myself before getting up to some work. DH came in and started harassing me about 'procrastinating when things needed to be done...and 'wasting time', and how their was laundry in the basket for a week that needed to be folded. I was so mad I couldn't even talk properly!!! This from a man who gets up whenever he D**** well feels like and takes a nap whenever he D**** well wants to!! This from a man who, before I came in to lie down, was napping or 3 HOURS, without interruption, while I ran after D bathing, feeding, entertaining her.... And 10 minutes to myself is a problem????? OHHHHHHH!!! I was so mad!!! They just don't get it!!!

 

[Puppmom]

Lanie, I definitely think you're right that a conversation with your DH is in order. If you're anything like me, you let things stew and then start acting weird and DH has no idea why until you finally explode.

Sha, I bet your DH would have shoved his foot in his mouth if he realized how inconsiderate his comment was!

I'm definitely finding that DH is much more easily overwhelmed than I am. He doesn't complain a lot but he'll say things like, "I think I'm trying to do too much and that's why I feel stressed out." It makes me want to laugh but I just nod my head. We work normal schedules (as in 9-5), have one toddler and a teenager who helps A LOT. Oh, and for the first year MIL watched N EVERY day at OUR house. He has no idea how difficult it really could be but I let him think that he's doing *too much*.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Sha, boo, I hope it was just a momentary lapse in judgment for your DH! Tell him the same thing next time he tries to take a nap!

Lanie, I do relate to feeling like your DH is getting too much free/buddy time. I just didn't realize that would have to change - what suited me when we didn't have kids (getting time alone to be in charge of the remote ) didn't suit me so well when it meant being a single mom instead. Like Fiery said, I don't think that equal means that I should get to leave as many nights a week as he does, but that we're balancing it. I don't want to go out 4 nights a week or take a 9 day mountain biking trip with my friends. What I want is time as a family, or time in the home where I'm "off the hook" and he's taking care of DD. You don't have to make everything "even" as long as everyone's needs are being met.

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

Even Steven. He does almost all of the cooking and grocery shopping, and I do almost all of the housework/cleaning and all of the bills/paperwork/financial stuff. I don't really like to cook (love to bake) and he loves to cook (and is good at it), so I'm very much okay with the arrangement. We both do our own laundry (always have), except I fold and put away his quite a bit -- he's got it figured out that if he leaves it in the washer/dryer, it will end up magically put away. We also have a "magic chair" that does the same thing with other laundry. He takes care of the lawn, and I take care of the plants/weeds. We share in taking care of the dogs. He works on the cars and keeps them clean and sparkly. We do any major projects together. We didn't really set out to do divvy up the tasks like this, it just ended up that way and we both pretty much do what we enjoy and/or are better at. We're both very fair-minded people, so I think that helps. It's also easier for us, no doubt, as we don't have lil ones to take care of.