What is the state of your union?

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/8/2010 5:56:25 PM
Author: joflier
I voted that I''m happy, but waiting for the end. Actually, the end has basically come. Hard to explain......we''re so happy together, but there were some major complications that just made it impossible to stay a couple.

this seems like insanity - unless it''s an east coast west coast or having/not having children thing... it seems like two people in love should always be able to work it out

I''m sorry.

 

[missydebby]

Well, we''re going on 12 years and we are currently super in love and committed. But I did have a definite 7 year itch at precisely 7 years of marriage. (I guess that''s why they call it that, duh!)

As time goes by, I feel luckier and luckier to have met my husband and so grateful that he loves my foibles. And dudes, I got me some foibles.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/8/2010 7:53:55 PM
Author: dreamer_d

Date: 6/8/2010 7:09:16 PM

Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 6/8/2010 6:11:58 PM

Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 6/8/2010 5:54:19 PM

Author: jaysonsmom

I voted Happy and Commited for now. However, I''ve also been Neutral and Commited and Unhappy and Commited. I feel that marriage is for the long haul, and it''s a huge commitement that takes work, so no matter where I am on the Happy scale, I will stay commited, and hope that my husband feels the same way. I really saddens me when I see people who don''t have serious issues (such as abuse or infidelity), and they give up on their commitment because they simply fell out of love.....

I see nothing wrong with this. To me, marriage (assuming there are no kids) is, to me, about the happiness of the people in the marriage. If they would be happier apart or with other people, then I think they should leave. Besides, if they are not in a loveless mariage simply for the sake of ''commitment'', they have the option of finding someone who they can stay married to because they want to.

You''re totally right about the ''no kids'' part. I just think that a too many people think only about their happiness, and forget that marriage is not always perfume and roses. Lately I''ve seen so many kids torn apart by their parent''s quest for personal ''happiness'' that I''m on an ''anti-splitting up'' mission to save marriages

. One of my son''s friends was abandoned by his dad because his dad took off to live in Hawaii with new found love. My daughter''s friend (6) told me this weekend that her parents were not getting along, so dad moved out. Her and her little sister (2) now live with mom, and only see their dad on the weekends. She was concerned because we had a sleepover at our place this weekend, and she was missing out on spending time with her dad. It was so sad to see her like that.

Research actually shows that ''staying together for ther kids'' is more harmful to the kids than is divorce, in the long run. Hostility and arguments are worse for kids by far than having parents who live in different households. Many children are better off by far when their kids divorce.

And most who do divorce, do not make the decision in a vacuum. The decision is a tough one that also considers the children. And not all marriages should be *saved*.

I am one of those kids who was "better off" with my parents apart than together. I still grew up in a stable, loving home with my mother, and later on my stepfather, who are incredibly happy together. If my father and mother had stayed together I would have had quite an unhealthy view of relationships (and even of life in general!) and likely that would have affected my own romantic relationships.

While seeing my parents divorce was an emotional experience (I was 7) I never thought they were wrong to do and I am not *scarred* by it. There were some issues there that just could not be repaired between them.

On the other hand both have been with their current spouses for 24-25 years and through a hell of a lot including serious illnesses and the love and joy between them is apparent, so they certainly cannot be said to not be committed or to run away from problems easily.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/8/2010 8:02:52 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 6/8/2010 7:53:55 PM

Author: dreamer_d



Research actually shows that ''staying together for ther kids'' is more harmful to the kids than is divorce, in the long run. Hostility and arguments are worse for kids by far than having parents who live in different households. Many children are better off by far when their kids divorce.

All this talk about about kids, no kids, etc is kind of straying from what I''m trying to say. I guess to sum up how I feel is that: Marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn''t be taken lightly, and if you''re the type to move from one relationship to another just to have the a happy warm and fuzzy feeling all the time, then marriage is not for you, because most marriages come with highs and lows, and you have to be commited to weather through the low points.

I agree marriage is a serious commitment, and one should not depend on their spouse for their own happiness or toss away a marriage willy nilly...and at same time in some marriages even the "highs" are lows.

 

[joflier]

Date: 6/8/2010 8:15:03 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 6/8/2010 5:56:25 PM
Author: joflier
I voted that I''m happy, but waiting for the end. Actually, the end has basically come. Hard to explain......we''re so happy together, but there were some major complications that just made it impossible to stay a couple.

this seems like insanity - unless it''s an east coast west coast or having/not having children thing... it seems like two people in love should always be able to work it out

I''m sorry.

Yes, it''s along those lines. It''s terribly sad for both of us. But we both respect and understand the other''s point of view. Sometimes there are compromises that shouldn''t be made. Because in this case, one person or the other would be sacrificing things that would really affect the really long-term happiness of themselves.

 

[Puppmom]

I voted happy and committed. DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 2 years. We''ve had tough times in terms of seeing eye to eye here and there but I agree that relationships are work and being able to come out of those dips happier than ever is well worth it!

 

[Octavia]

Date: 6/8/2010 5:57:32 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I am happy and love my DH, but there are times there are things, like some problematic behavior that is not a huge deal when we are poor students, but I will not be comfortable with when we have more financial commitments and children. I don't actually see us not staying together, but there are certainly times I wonder. When he is flighty, I sometimes wonder if a super serious, uber grounded woman like me will make him the most happy. I am commited, but sometimes I just don't see me not killing him before we grow old for something.

I love the way you said this, it pretty much sums up how I feel, too. And to be completely honest, while I love my DH very, very much, I don't particularly like being a wife. Certainly not enough to want out -- I am committed to him and to our marriage -- but enough to make me less than perfectly happy.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/8/2010 8:02:52 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 6/8/2010 7:53:55 PM
Author: dreamer_d

Research actually shows that ''staying together for ther kids'' is more harmful to the kids than is divorce, in the long run. Hostility and arguments are worse for kids by far than having parents who live in different households. Many children are better off by far when their kids divorce.

All this talk about about kids, no kids, etc is kind of straying from what I''m trying to say. I guess to sum up how I feel is that: Marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn''t be taken lightly, and if you''re the type to move from one relationship to another just to have the a happy warm and fuzzy feeling all the time, then marriage is not for you, because most marriages come with highs and lows, and you have to be commited to weather through the low points.

Then we agree

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/8/2010 9:32:41 PM
Author: Octavia

Date: 6/8/2010 5:57:32 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I am happy and love my DH, but there are times there are things, like some problematic behavior that is not a huge deal when we are poor students, but I will not be comfortable with when we have more financial commitments and children. I don''t actually see us not staying together, but there are certainly times I wonder. When he is flighty, I sometimes wonder if a super serious, uber grounded woman like me will make him the most happy. I am commited, but sometimes I just don''t see me not killing him before we grow old for something.

I love the way you said this, it pretty much sums up how I feel, too. And to be completely honest, while I love my DH very, very much, I don''t particularly like being a wife. Certainly not enough to want out -- I am committed to him and to our marriage -- but enough to make me less than perfectly happy.

I am curious about what aspects of the wifely role turn you off, Octavia? No need to divulge anything too personal, your comment just piqued my curiosity from a perhaps philosophical or psychological perspective.

 

[Autumnovember]

I voted happy and committed!

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 6/8/2010 6:19:23 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Wherever I am on my day-tp-day emotions with DH, I am always committed to him. At the moment, I''m truly 100% happy, but there have been periods of time throught the last 10 years where I have been unhappy or neutral about our relationship. However, I always remain deeply committed to working through difficulties, and I think I remain happy because I know DH is just as committed.

Ditto.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/8/2010 8:12:20 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
I put neutral and committed because my dh is in the doghouse right now - he still is not getting how I feel about my birthday and he''s doing it in a way that hurts and pisses me off. We''re getting along fine aside from that but I can''t bring myself to put that I''m happy. It isn''t a deal breaker in any way though and I''ve been married long enough to know that how you feel changes a lot and it will change again.


Love and commitment go a long way in holding a relationship together, even when you disagree about a lot.

Word! SO is in the doghouse atm as well, and while it''s a temporary home for him, while he''s in there, he''s not getting a happy from me!

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Great pole Dreamer!

I voted I am Happy and Committed!
I will be married to him 19yrs this year. He still makes my blush! He is my best friend! Yes, we have had ups and downs, and round and rounds through the years. Marriage is give and take, compromise and respect. We've grown together and as individuals, closer over the years. He lights up my life! I just love him too pieces!

 

[junebug17]

This was a little hard for me, I waffled between "happy and committed" and "neutral and committed". It''s nothing specific, my husband''s a great guy and we don''t have any major issues between us that are causing problems or unhappiness. I think I''m going through a bout of depression that is carrying over to other areas of my life. I finally decided on "happy and committed" because he does bring happiness into my life with his support and love, but even so, I still feel a little empty inside sometimes.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/8/2010 10:28:32 PM
Author: junebug17
This was a little hard for me, I waffled between ''happy and committed'' and ''neutral and committed''. It''s nothing specific, my husband''s a great guy and we don''t have any major issues between us that are causing problems or unhappiness. I think I''m going through a bout of depression that is carrying over to other areas of my life. I finally decided on ''happy and committed'' because he does bring happiness into my life with his support and love, but even so, I still feel a little empty inside sometimes.

Hugs Junebug. I certainly know how you feel sometimes.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/8/2010 10:35:51 PM
Author: dreamer_d

Date: 6/8/2010 10:28:32 PM
Author: junebug17
This was a little hard for me, I waffled between ''happy and committed'' and ''neutral and committed''. It''s nothing specific, my husband''s a great guy and we don''t have any major issues between us that are causing problems or unhappiness. I think I''m going through a bout of depression that is carrying over to other areas of my life. I finally decided on ''happy and committed'' because he does bring happiness into my life with his support and love, but even so, I still feel a little empty inside sometimes.

Hugs Junebug. I certainly know how you feel sometimes.

Double hugs, I also know what you mean!

I had no choice but to choose happy and committed

I know I won''t always feel "happy", but I do plan on staying committed

 

[swimmer]

Happy and committed! DH gave the baby (almost a month old) a bottle of expressed milk at 3am so I got 7 hours of sleep. I love him so very very much!

 

[nytemist]

I voted unhappy and waiting for the end, which is no suprise based on the thread a wrote out a few weeks ago.

Marriage is a lot of work, a couple in love and devoted should be able to make it through most issues that come up. But it''s impossible when only one person puts in the effort. Unfortunately, ours is broken and there isn''t a way for it to be fixed. Finances are the only reason why I haven''t moved yet. More than likely we won''t be seeing our fourth anniversary.

 

[gemgirl]

My husband and I have been together almost eighteen years. I have always been committed *no matter what* because that''s what I believe marriage should be, but I''ve lived through various stages of happiness, contentedness and just plain tolerance through the first half of our time together.

Then something serious and life threatening happened to me last Thursday evening that caused me to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, in critical condition. I was admitted to the hospital early the next morning still in unstable condition. (I was just released Monday afternoon). What I realized by the second day I was there is that we are connected in an almost indescribable way and that if one of us died, life truly wouldn''t be the same for the other. It blew my mind.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Gemgirl, I am so sorry to hear about your emergency and am hoping you are okay!

DH and I have been together for nearly 11 years (only married for 2.5) and I think I''ve been through every option on the list, haha.

I voted for happy and committed, however right now we are very stressed and not exactly happy with life in general. We have a bad habit of turning away from each other in very stressful times, we both tend to want to be alone when we are stressed. When things are happy and great, we''re happy and great. In the last several months, however, we''ve been through a lot with our dog''s health and we are both individually unhappy and sad about what has happened. We''ve really come together, though, and have been a rock for each other. The way we''ve handled it has given me a lot of confidence in our ability to handle unforseen, stressful situations. This has always been my biggest fear about kids--that the stress will tear us apart--but right now I feel like we could handle anything.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/9/2010 9:50:44 AM
Author: gemgirl
My husband and I have been together almost eighteen years. I have always been committed *no matter what* because that's what I believe marriage should be, but I've lived through various stages of happiness, contentedness and just plain tolerance through the first half of our time together.


Then something serious and life threatening happened to me last Thursday evening that caused me to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, in critical condition. I was admitted to the hospital early the next morning still in unstable condition. (I was just released Monday afternoon). What I realized by the second day I was there is that we are connected in an almost indescribable way and that if one of us died, life truly wouldn't be the same for the other. It blew my mind.

I am glad you are alright gem, and hope you are doing better. What a scary experience.

Experiences like that can really *hit home* and really show you what is most important. My husband actually proposed to me (by a text message) when he was in another province being admitted into the emergency room. He was not at risk of dying at that time......however it was a very scary situation that I will not get into much detail about here, and it really hit home for *him* (and me) that we really were there for each other, and wanted to be for the rest of our lives.

My mother was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer back in 2006, and I am always so touched thinking about how my stepfather was really THERE for her and how much deeper their bond became from that experience. My mother is doing well and they just got married in February (after 24 years together) and are like young newlyweds.

 

[missydebby]

Date: 6/9/2010 9:43:07 AM
Author: nytemist
I voted unhappy and waiting for the end, which is no suprise based on the thread a wrote out a few weeks ago.


Marriage is a lot of work, a couple in love and devoted should be able to make it through most issues that come up. But it''s impossible when only one person puts in the effort. Unfortunately, ours is broken and there isn''t a way for it to be fixed. Finances are the only reason why I haven''t moved yet. More than likely we won''t be seeing our fourth anniversary.

I''m so sorry to hear that. Hugs

 

[MrsBettyBoop]

I voted happy and committed. I''m in stupid silly love with my husband, he is the most beautiful + funny + and the smartest person I''ve ever met. But I don''t doubt that there could ever be a time that I feel neutral about our relationship, even then I would still be 100% committed. We''ve been together 9 years, married for 5 and going strong. He is my lifetime partner through the good and the bad.

 

[allycat0303]

I would say Neutral and Committed.

Our relationship goes in cycles. We''ve been through a rough time lately, with the MIL issue. For a few weeks there was a distance between us, which was hard. I think we''re on our way to returning to Happy. It has always been cycles with us. I run the whole gauntlet of happy/neutral/unhappy with him, but the committed part always stays the same.

 

[geckodani]

Happy and committed.

This does not mean that I don''t have those, Honey-I-love-you-but-hold-still-so-I-can-strangle-you moments.

 

[Laila619]

Neutral and committed.

DH is always sweet and kind, but he has been annoying me lately (certain personality traits he has drive me bonkers). It''s hard to tell though if it''s just pregnancy hormones. We also have in-law issues, which are tough.

 

[yssie]

Most definitely happy and committed

Even when we argue or fight, I'm still happy to be with him. I'm the sort of person who doesn't bother fighting unless I care, though.. I do think apathy is one of the most damaging things to a relationship.



Hugs, jo and junebug!

 

[TravelingGal]

I''m generally happy and committed. We''re a good team and I know he''s committed as well, even though sometimes we just rub each other the wrong way. I''ve also been neutral and committed but don''t stay there long because we have good communication. I''ve only been in unhappy and committed once, but again, that got nipped in the bud. It was a tough time, with my being a new mom and my dad dying.

 

[junebug17]

dreamer, lilyfoot and yssie, thanks for the hugs, they helped!

Gemgirl, I am so sorry to hear about your health issue, how scary, hope you are doing better. And you make a good point...even though I'm feeling a little "meh" about things right now, I can't imagine dh not being in my life, there certainly is a bond there, especially after so many years.

NEL, I agree with you, stressful things, such as deaths, illness, in-law and family issues, can really take their toll on a marriage...and it's such a good thing when a couple can deal with this stuff as a team, that really counts for a lot. It's really tough sometimes, though, and much easier said than done.

Laila, I can relate...lately dh has been saying and doing things that have been getting under my skin...like you, my impatience may also be hormonal, but in my case it's menopause, not pregnancy lol.

 

[gemgirl]

Thank you so much NEL, RaiKai, and junebug. I will explain what happened to me in a new thread when my mind is a little less foggy. I was bleeding internally for a day and a half after an endoscopic surgery I had Wednesday morning, hemorraged twice at home and I almost died Thursday night. The experience has changed me, and helped me to realize what an awesome bond my husband and I have. I don''t think I will ever think of us as I used to again. We''re definitely not two separate people anymore.