What is my new parent role?

[movie zombie]

...... But I don't want her to think "I can't stop it." I want her to think "She wants this; I love her; I can learn to understand, even if I don't necessarily like it."

my mother is 88. i'm 64. i still would love it if my mother would/could do this......


good points, princess....providing the context/reasoning for the request but still leaving the decision to you.

 

[Echidna]

Your daughter sounds a little like my 22 year old daughter. I *try* to do what my mother did for me, and offer support. When she's being unreasonable, I tell her she's an adult and can make her own decisions, handle her own finances, whatever is appropriate to the situation. I *try* not to clash with her, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy. Mostly I have made sure my daughters are as self-reliant as possible. One is, one will try manipulate to get things. However, I've noticed a lot of personal growth in my youngest over the last several months as she's been living away from home and having to pay her own bills. I too have had a couple of mixed message phone calls over this time period. Just try to remain supportive even when she makes mistakes. The more I let go of my youngest, the more she decided I was right about some things, go figure!

This is the most infuriating thing about mums- they are always right

 

[Shoopy]

If she called you crying, I think you may have the same relationship with her that I had with my mom.

My mom is my advisor. Her approval means a lot to me. Disappointing her was worse to me than any punishment she could have dreamed of. When I was in college I was establishing my own rules after living with her for so long. I would call my mom to tell her I was going to a night club and if it was ok even though she was 300 miles away. When I did something without letting her know I felt incredible amounts of guilt. I never did anything illegal or outrageous but still felt badly about not communicating with her. At the same time I was going through those feelings of wanting the ability to make my own decisions. It was a very confusing time.

Even now at 30 I call my mom. I make my own decisions obviously but she is part of my thought process always. What helped her go from the role of dictator to the role of advisor was her reaction to decisions I made on my own. She reminded me that she trusted me and my decisions. If I make a mistake, that's ok. If I do something stupid, I live with the consequences. Knowing that my mom had faith in me to make the right decisions really gave me the confidence I needed to make those right decisions. And I knew if I made a mistake, such as perhaps getting a body piercing that I kind of regret, my mom would be the last person to pass judgment. I agree with the others to not go into a huge lecture on this and it's important to keep in mind that while you are learning your new parent role as she is an adult, she is learning her role as an adult in the relationship.

 

[soocool]

If she called you crying, I think you may have the same relationship with her that I had with my mom.

My mom is my advisor. Her approval means a lot to me. Disappointing her was worse to me than any punishment she could have dreamed of. When I was in college I was establishing my own rules after living with her for so long. I would call my mom to tell her I was going to a night club and if it was ok even though she was 300 miles away. When I did something without letting her know I felt incredible amounts of guilt. I never did anything illegal or outrageous but still felt badly about not communicating with her. At the same time I was going through those feelings of wanting the ability to make my own decisions. It was a very confusing time.

Even now at 30 I call my mom. I make my own decisions obviously but she is part of my thought process always. What helped her go from the role of dictator to the role of advisor was her reaction to decisions I made on my own. She reminded me that she trusted me and my decisions. If I make a mistake, that's ok. If I do something stupid, I live with the consequences. Knowing that my mom had faith in me to make the right decisions really gave me the confidence I needed to make those right decisions. And I knew if I made a mistake, such as perhaps getting a body piercing that I kind of regret, my mom would be the last person to pass judgment. I agree with the others to not go into a huge lecture on this and it's important to keep in mind that while you are learning your new parent role as she is an adult, she is learning her role as an adult in the relationship.

Thanks fiery. I think you hit the nail right on the head.

DD, sent this youtube video to me today. It is Crosby, Still, and Nash singing Teach Your Children. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztVaqZajq-I&feature=related

I listened to it at least a dozen times today.

 

[Enerchi]

I'm with ya, sooocool. It is hard to let them fly solo! I am finding that as well with my kids. I keep wishing I could just have a day again, with their 'little' selves. I'd love to just stick my hands into the photos and pull them out and just be with them again for just a day, I promise, just 1 more day when they were little....oh, I get so teary when I watch the old family videos or look at pictures - I miss that time

I keep thinking about what my mother may have been going thru when my sister and I were tackling life's milestones. As the person going thru them (ME) I felt in total control and knew it was the smartest thing EVER to do what it was I was doing - and I can sadly say I was no risk taker and really followed a boring structured path. Now, being in the parent role and watching my own kids do things that I'd love to protect or prevent them from, it is very VERY hard to step back. I'm not the best at it, that's for sure, but its a slow process to get good at letting them grow up and away.

ARgh - where is that damn parenting manual??? I'm sure I left it here somewhere.... ???

 

[soocool]

I'm with ya, sooocool. It is hard to let them fly solo! I am finding that as well with my kids. I keep wishing I could just have a day again, with their 'little' selves. I'd love to just stick my hands into the photos and pull them out and just be with them again for just a day, I promise, just 1 more day when they were little....oh, I get so teary when I watch the old family videos or look at pictures - I miss that time

I keep thinking about what my mother may have been going thru when my sister and I were tackling life's milestones. As the person going thru them (ME) I felt in total control and knew it was the smartest thing EVER to do what it was I was doing - and I can sadly say I was no risk taker and really followed a boring structured path. Now, being in the parent role and watching my own kids do things that I'd love to protect or prevent them from, it is very VERY hard to step back. I'm not the best at it, that's for sure, but its a slow process to get good at letting them grow up and away.

ARgh - where is that damn parenting manual??? I'm sure I left it here somewhere.... ???

Maybe that is why parents of older children look foward to grandchildren. They can relive those moments again through their grandkids. I see that with my sister and her grandaughter.

 

[Enerchi]

I'm not at that point! I am NOT a fan of having grandchildren - how could they be anywhere near as perfect as my own kids??

 

[Kaleigh]

It shows you have a close relationship. She made a decision, and was able to do so within legal parameters... But perhaps after the fact, she had some doubts or was just feeling like she should have shared this with you... Emotions were running on high..

I think our role as kids advance in age is to be there and to be supportive but to a point.

It's all in the foundation you laid out raising them.

My kids know they can come to me with anything. We talk about stuff that I never would have talked to my parents about. TMI for me a lot but would rather have that than , saying I can't listen to that.

I am open 24/7 for them. But to a point.

I want them to be responsible and accountable for all they do. I am just here to guide them but as years go by I would hope my role would be less management and more admiring from afar..

I never had anything from my parents, so I wanted things to be different. But didn't want to suffocate them either...

You let the ties go and let them fly. Hopefully they soar. Bumps along the way of course.. But they will earn their wings, and you Momma surely earned your's as well....

Transitions..

 

[sarahb]

I don't know how I stumbled on this 4 month old thread, but man o man, did I ever need it!!

Going through the teen years with our very good yet difficult son has been trying this year especially. I read this thread with apt attention, & absorbed every single word. Tons of great 'been there done that' advice, & wonderful words from those currently in the midst of growing up.

My hearty thanks to everyone!
sarahb

 

[SB621]

I don't have much to add from the wonderful information you already received her, but I will say I got a belly button piercing at 16. I had it for about 3 months and then my parents paid me $50 to take it out. I have had a horrible scar from it which just got uglier with 2 pregnancies. It was the worst mistake of my life and I wish my parents had knocked some sense into me before I thought of this brilliant idea.

 

[qtiekiki]

Not on the parenting issue, but you should buy her some sea salt. Tell her to dissolve the salt in warm water in a little cup (about 1/8 teaspoon salt to 3oz water), cover the belly pierce with the cup and let it soak for 5 min, then rinse with warm water and dry with paper towel.

I got my navel pierce when I was 19. My mom didn't like it, but she didn't say anything. I appreciated that.