What is my new parent role?

[soocool]

DD is 19 and will be 20 in December. She is currently in her "3rd year" at college (she achieved 30 AP credits in high school) and is in a 5yr PharmaD program. A very intelligent person - speaking as a proud mama. Yesterday she calls me crying on the phone. "I got a belly piercing." Ok not something I wanted to hear, so I asked, " What's the matter?". Her: "I don't know." I asked why she did not call me beforehand to let me know. She says, "I'm over 18 and don't need your permission." That was like a slap in the face. I did not know what to say at that point.

I stewed about this all night long. Yes, she doesn't need my permission, but then again I don't have to pay her incidental expenses. (She has a full scholarship). I am seeing her this weekend and want to talk about this with her some more. Just so that it is clear I would never have said "I think it is a stupid thing to so" or "No I don't want you to do it". I would have told her to think about it a little longer and if she wanted to get it done then it is her decision.

So how do I approach this without hurting her or myself. I talked to my sister last night and she has 3 boys and all she told me is they will do whatever they want whether you like it or not. I understand that, but what I don't know at this point what is my role as parent now? Do I back off completely or what? I don't want to feel like I am walking on eggshells around her trying not to get into arguments.

 

[distracts]

I'd back off on the belly piercing. If it was a mistake and she regrets it, that will teach her to think more about it in the future or come to you about it for your advice. If you lecture, she'll think she's glad she didn't go to you first.

Why would you get into an argument about it? What is there to argue about?

 

[sonnyjane]

I have a similar story from the other perspective. I was in the same boat in college... I didn't turn 21 until 2 months before graduation. I was on scholarship and didn't really new my mom's help for rent or expenses because I had a paying internship also. My mom did continue to pay my cell phone and car insurance, which together amounted to about $150 a month. One year, I think I was 19, I came home with a tongue piercing. My mom was upset. She didn't bring it up again during that visit, but afterward, things were tense between us. When I would call, we would fight, so I stopped calling so much. She began to threaten to take away my car insurance and phone any time I said or did anything she didn't like. Eventually I told her to just PLEASE stop paying them then so I didn't have to rely on her for anything. She threatened and threatened but didn't ever do it, so one day I just went out and set up a new account and removed myself from hers. I think she was shocked. She had been holding that over my head for so long because I think she knew I was growing up and becoming independent so she always wanted some type of control over me. Things were rough for a while (that was 10 years ago), but now that I'm an adult and she treats me like one rather than as a child, our relationship is really strong.

I think that she is going to grow up with or without you, so it's best to just stand back and observe, stepping in when asked. The dynamics are always changing and it won't always be like this.

 

[iheartscience]

I think you should definitely let the belly button piercing go. It's not permanent, no one can see it, and it does not affect you in any way. I also agree with sonnyjane that you shouldn't hold the money you give her over her head, particularly about something as minor as a belly button piercing. If she was flunking out of her classes, that would be another story, but it sounds like she's doing very well.

She is right that she doesn't need to ask permission from you, and I think it's a good sign that you have such a good relationship with her that when she was upset about the piercing she called you to talk about it. I definitely think while she's in college you still should parent her (I still needed parenting sometimes!), but I think you just have to let some things go, this included.

I have to say, my parents were very good about letting my sister and I do our own things without interference in college, unless it was something serious. I think kids that age have to make their own mistakes and do some "rebelling" to establish themselves as adults.

 

[princesss]

Honestly, I think it's great that your daughter is establishing such clear boundaries. You've spent 19 (almost 20) years teaching her to be a strong, independent woman, and she's showing proof of that. Is it how you'd like to see it? No. But she's making her own choices, doing what she wants with her own body, and she's coming to you when she needs your support. This could be the start to a really great adult relationship. But you need to let go of your picture of her as the little girl that needs to come to you for everything. You did a great job raising her and she's able to make her own choices. This is something to celebrate! She doesn't need you around, but she's coming to you when she is upset because she wants you involved in her life. Isn't that special? Isn't that good?

But if you push the piercing issue, that could stop. It will show her that you don't respect her as an adult when she's trying to set up her own life, and that could take your relationship to a much more negative place. I think right now, your place as the mother is to be there to lean on emotionally while she makes mistakes.

I was there not too long ago with my parents - I'm 26 and very independent, and I am sure I hurt my mom's feelings at some points or made her mad. But we had a clear contract about what the money they were giving me during school could and could not be used for (could not be used for: anything illegal, to help me cosign a loan for somebody else; could be used for: anything else), and after I graduated and moved out, I was pretty harsh for a while about was and was not their business. But they respected those boundaries, and I really enjoy our relationship now. I love talking to my parents, I go to them when I need an experienced ear to bounce an idea off of, or when I'm stressed, or when I'm freaked out. And I don't know that I would have had that kind of relationship with them if they hadn't been so clear about respecting the boundaries that I set up. I have friends that tell their parents almost nothing about their lives because they don't want to deal with the emotional blackmail or stress their parents put on them for either not making the choice they would have made or not talking it through with them first, and I find that really sad.

ETA: totally agree with Thing2 in that it doesn't mean you stop parenting. You're just entering Parenting Lite.

 

[Anastasia]

I don't see this as an issue.

1)She is an adult.
2)She is a responsible person, and appears to be doing very well for herself.
3)There are MUCH worse things that she could have done than getting a belly piercing.

I would cut her some slack. You said that if she asked you, all you would have said is to think about it some more and do what she wants. She thought about it, and did what she wanted, she just skipped the asking you part. It doesn't sound like she is a flighty, irresponsible teenager.

My kids are a little younger than her, and I'm sure I will be facing these same kinds of issues shortly. It is scary to think about that prospect. As the parent/child line gets blurred, I'm sure it gets much more difficult to know what your responsibilities are.

 

[Gypsy]

Honestly, I think it's great that your daughter is establishing such clear boundaries. You've spent 19 (almost 20) years teaching her to be a strong, independent woman, and she's showing proof of that. Is it how you'd like to see it? No. But she's making her own choices, doing what she wants with her own body, and she's coming to you when she needs your support. This could be the start to a really great adult relationship. But you need to let go of your picture of her as the little girl that needs to come to you for everything. You did a great job raising her and she's able to make her own choices. This is something to celebrate! She doesn't need you around, but she's coming to you when she is upset because she wants you involved in her life. Isn't that special? Isn't that good?

I agree with this.

Your in a period of transition and so is she.
She's not an adult completely yet, with the ability to stand on her own two feet.

I'm exhausted today so this is the best analogy I can think of:
She was on the ground up until she started college.
Now she's up on the wire with a net below her.
And soon she'll be needing to go without a net as well.

What that means to me is.. the net (you) are there for security and in case of emergencies. But for the most part, she's on her own and has to learn how to manage that trapeze by herself. But when she comes to you, you are there for her. When she doesn't... you are still there in case she messes up. But your role is passive. Not active.

How I would address this: I would give her a call and tell her that making choices and dealing with the regret or the triumph that results is just part of being an adult. And you are happy that if she was going to regret a decision it was something this small and unimportant that can be hidden by a shirt, or even pulled off and healed over. I would tell her that if she had come to you, your advice would have been to think about it a little while longer before making a decision. And just tell her that in the future, when she's making decisions her take away should be to wait a little while longer to see if she can figure out if she'll regret her actions or not, but that even if she does that-- sometimes there's no way to know before hand how you are going to feel about something until you do. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. And that all you can ask, of anyone, is that they do their best, and if things fall apart and she needs help you will be there to advise her the best you can.

That lets her know: the piercing isn't a big deal, you respect her as a young adult who is starting to make her own decisions, that you can be trusted for advice in the future, and that sometimes waiting and thinking on things a bit longer can be a good thing, but that making mistakes is just part of life.

If you can start thinking yourself as a net, and her as a budding trapeze artist who will need to have the confidence in herself to go net-less eventually, that might help.

 

[movie zombie]

i'd probably have said something along the lines of "yeah, you're right, you don't need to clear these types of things with me but why are you calling me to cry? are you in pain? is there something else going on you want to talk about?"

granted, might not have made the situation any better.....

your new role? you are now the parent of an adult...a young adult, but an adult. she will make decisions that after the fact she may regret. it is not your job to rescue her from her decisions....she needs to take the consequences and responsibility for them. BUT it is your job to listen and if asked to provide your input or suggestions on how to rectify a situation or resources she can pursue.

she has now defined herself as an adult. respect that.

btw, you did a good job raising her and you didn't do that bad with your response at the time. the only conversation that needs to be had is that you realize she no longer needs to clear things with you and that you are in agreement. the reality is that the conversation you may think she should/could have had with you prior to the piercing is the conversation she more than likely had with her friends. you may be loving, friendly, etc. but you are and will always be a parent and she is now into the next phase of developing and trusting friends.

 

[Haven]

It sounds like you raised a wonderful daughter, Soocool.

It also sounds like you two are close enough that she calls you when she's down, and she feels comfortable sharing details about her life with you even though she knows you probably won't agree with some choices she's made. What a wonderful thing.

I agree with the others that bringing up your disapproval of the belly piercing will likely only lead to negative things. I can imagine it must feel like you should have some say in her choices since you're giving her money, but I also believe that attaching strings of those sorts rarely leads to a positive outcome. It's probably going to be hard to keep mum on the issue, but I think a little bit of restraint now will mean you'll likely be *more* involved in her life moving forward. Or, at least she won't shut you out in small ways.

I hate to say it, but I think you're going to be walking a fine line here for a long, long time. I'm nearly 32, my husband is 42, and we still find ourselves navigating these boundaries with our parents. We've both been financially independent since we graduated high school, so that isn't really a factor. I think it's just hard for our parents to see us as adults sometimes. There's something comforting in that, but only from a distance.

 

[decodelighted]

I think it's sweet that she called. She sounds like a good girl/young woman who is just starting to test her wings a bit. She's testing you too -- what will you do when she makes her own decisions? Will you reject her? Judge her? Comfort her if has regrets?

In terms of what your role is now - I would say that it's to support her and offer guidance if a) asked -or- b) if you think she's veering sharply off-track (i.e. - drug addiction, abusive relationship etc). It is PERFECTLY NATURAL and healthy for young adults to separate emotionally from parents & rebel a bit. Even in the best parental relationships. They need that space to fully form as an independent person. Hopefully you've done enough in the 19 previous years - SHOWING her how you'd behave in situations that she has a firm foundation to reach to at this point ... without your further input. But her calling you shows that she DOES want your input a little bit at least. If only to show her that you'll love the adult her even if she makes choices you wouldn't sometimes.

 

[decodelighted]

She says, "I'm over 18 and don't need your permission." That was like a slap in the face. I did not know what to say at that point.

Read between the lines. She probably MEANT "I'm an adult now and I felt ridiculous asking my parent for advice on something as trivial as a belly piercing so I made the decision myself and now wish I'd gotten advice after all BUT I'LL NEVER ADMIT IT!"

Her response sounds textbook DEFENSIVE. And your response to her defensiveness is anger ("I'll take away your money you little brat!") But really the whole thing is so sweet and lovely underneath. There's a part of her that's a little girl who wants her mommy. And a mommy who wishes she could have saved her little girl some pain/life lesson/regret etc. Live in the underneath part if you can!

 

[JulieN]

It is really no big deal. Don't make it a big deal. Your job is to help her get ready for the real world, and that means not making a big deal of when a grown woman gets a piercing!

Example conversation:
What's the matter?

I don't know (sobs.)

Honey, I can hear you crying. Does it hurt, is it infected?

 

[ksinger]

I'm assuming your daughter is regretting the piercing or she'd not be calling you crying. Her response to your inquiry about why you weren't told also indicates that she knows on some level that you would not have approved beforehand. So why is she calling at all? It's bound to be an unsatisfactory experience for both of you. She sounds like she wants mommy to make her feel better about her choice, while full-well knowing mommy won't approve. Sticky wicket.

If you ARE going to give her her space, then she needs to understand a few things too. Like for one, mom doesn't WANT to know everything - like what has been pierced this week, and who she is sleeping with and in exactly what contorted positions. Part of growing up is knowing what NOT to say. Everyone worries about YOU being judgemental, but my take is why is DD calling about an issue she is probably quite aware that will irk mom? She made a choice (and a pretty minor one at that) without you, now she should keep you out of it. I agree with the others that you can't and shouldn't try to control her or use money as a weapon, but she'd better not expect mom to all of a sudden start approving of what mom doesn't approve of.

I'd tell her that, gently of course, "Sweetie, you know I don't really like that stuff, so why are you telling me about it? I'm going to love you no matter what, but you also know that I'm never going to be happy about that sort of thing, and you pretty much know what my advice will be on this issue. Unless you want to hear that advice, then I probably don't need to hear every private detail of your life."

My mom certainly made that very clear to ME anyway. I sure as heck didn't volunteer info about things I knew she'd not approve of.
And WE were rock-solid until the end too...

 

[Dreamer_D]

In my humble opinion as a daughter and a psychologist, not as a parent since my kids are both very young, your role now as parent is to be a mentor and advisor on an "as needed" basis. Your kids are in a developmental phase where establishing their identity independent from YOU and independent from their former roles and children, and that is a tricky time. They will do things to exert their independence if you push back. And frankly, she is right, she is an adult and does not need your permission now, and also she does not need to share things with you. I know it hurts, the separation phase is more painful for the parents than kids I imagine. But I believe that if you can contrinue to put your own needs aside for a while, say five more years, and let her dictate what she shares with you about her life and what she does not, then she will "return" and be closer to you than ever. Remaining open to any sharing she initiates, and also being warm and non-judgemental, and perhaps biting your tongue is the order of this day. It sucks, but that is what I think kids that age need.

 

[MsP]

your new role? you are now the parent of an adult...a young adult, but an adult. she will make decisions that after the fact she may regret. it is not your job to rescue her from her decisions....she needs to take the consequences and responsibility for them. BUT it is your job to listen and if asked to provide your input or suggestions on how to rectify a situation or resources she can pursue.

she has now defined herself as an adult. respect that.
.

Not quite. She still receives financial support.

 

[Echidna]

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful woman, soocool.

There is some excellent advice here that is far better than anything I can suggest, but as a 29-year-old daughter who still occasionally rings her mum to vent and/or ask advice, I do have a small insight. My mum started asking me what I was calling for, as in "Are you asking me for my advice? Did you just want to vent?". That made me think clearly about what my needs were, so I could be straight with her and we wouldn't upset each other. Might be worth trying next issue if you think of it in the moment?

 

[swingirl]

I haven't read all the posts so I don't know if anyone addressed this but...

...the only thing I would talk about with your DD is how to keep the piercing clean and tell her about what to look for in the case of infection. Bring her some supplies for cleaning. The stuff they give you at the piercing/tattoo parlors isn't always the best out there. Almost everyone I know who got a piercing around that age eventually removed it.

And I am sure your DD knows you disapprove. At least she told you. She sounds like a smart young woman. 30 AP credits!!!!! WOW!!

 

[movie zombie]

your new role? you are now the parent of an adult...a young adult, but an adult. she will make decisions that after the fact she may regret. it is not your job to rescue her from her decisions....she needs to take the consequences and responsibility for them. BUT it is your job to listen and if asked to provide your input or suggestions on how to rectify a situation or resources she can pursue.

she has now defined herself as an adult. respect that.
.

Not quite. She still receives financial support.

mom made the decision to give her daughter financial support while she is attending college.
does mom have the right to be in on every decision because of that?
imo, no.
unless mom put conditions on the financial assistance and they both agreed to those conditions, daughter is of legal age to make decisions w/o mom's consent or approval.
while it is up to mom how she spends her $, holding it over her daughter's head now isn't a great idea.
if daughter was skipping classes and shooting heroin, i'd change my opinion.
both mom and daughter need to take the consequences for their actions.

 

[Gypsy]

your new role? you are now the parent of an adult...a young adult, but an adult. she will make decisions that after the fact she may regret. it is not your job to rescue her from her decisions....she needs to take the consequences and responsibility for them. BUT it is your job to listen and if asked to provide your input or suggestions on how to rectify a situation or resources she can pursue.

she has now defined herself as an adult. respect that.
.

Not quite. She still receives financial support.

mom made the decision to give her daughter financial support while she is attending college.
does mom have the right to be in on every decision because of that?
imo, no.
unless mom put conditions on the financial assistance and they both agreed to those conditions, daughter is of legal age to make decisions w/o mom's consent or approval.
while it is up to mom how she spends her $, holding it over her daughter's head now isn't a great idea.
if daughter was skipping classes and shooting heroin, i'd change my opinion.
both mom and daughter need to take the consequences for their actions.

100%.

Also see my earlier post about Mom having a 'passive" not "active" role.

 

[soocool]

Thank you everyone for all the great advice. I have read and reread all your responses several times. I promise I will bite my tongue whenever DD tells me something I am not too happy about.

distracts: definitely not worth arguing about
sonnyjane: thank you for your experience. I definitely will not hold the money thing over her head. DH and I offered to pay for her expenses with no strings attached and I will keep my word
thing2of2: I guess I have to think back when I was her age and remember how I felt back then.
princess: I am sure DD did not say that to hurt me, but now I see it was her way to remind me that she is no longer a child
Anastasia: your were right to the point and I am sure you will do well when your kids are older
Gypsy: yes we are both in a transition, but I guess I am not handling it as well as her. Hopefully, you can teach an old dog new tricks. lol
movie zombie: yes, I am now the parent os an adult and I am also the child of an adult my 80 something yr old father and I am facing 2 transitions at one time
Haven: yes, I would like to think we are very close and she does feel comfortable confiding in me. I hope we always stay close. It is just she has never said this to me before and I wonder now if I hover over her too much, especially this past summer when I had her at home.
decodelighted: Hmm, I can vaguely remember being a rebel in my youth. I definitely want to be there for her if and when she needs me
JulieN: you are right, it is no big deal
ksinger: I do buy into the theory that "Ignorance is bliss". I would rather not know, especially if it will cause me to lose sleep over it
Dreamer_D: yes the separation is rather difficult on me and has been for the past year that I showered her with so much attention this past summer. I really do need to be better at not pushing-back.
MissPrudential: yes, she needs to face the consequences of her own actions or she will never be able to handle difficult or even easy situations if I constantly try to bail her out of situations
Echidna: I love your response about, are you calling to vent or for advice. I will definitely keep that in mind
Swingirl: I did email DD a link letting her know what to do to keep the site clean. She bought the antibacterial soap and has q-tips. I was going to bring her some benzakonium chloride until I read not to use that stuff. I use that to disinfect my earlobes before I put in my earrings and also clean the earring posts with it.

And I will heed everyone advice about taking a more passive/supportive role and treat her like any other adult. I guess since I saw her all summer and she only left for school a couple of weeks ago, we fell back into old habits. I think we need to establish new rules at home as well so we don't fall back into these old habits anymore.

 

[yssie]

No advice, just a Congrats from me on raising what sounds like a lovely and clever young woman - you must be proud navel ring and all!

I liked the first bit of princesss' post. I'm 26 too. My parents are still very much in "parent" mode - that, unfortunately, translates into having little regard for my boundaries and adulthood. Well, on the few occasions in the past few years that I've called wanting to vent I've mostly been told off for my childishness/selfishness, and I've learnt not to ask for advice because if I do choose a different route they make sure I know that they're not happy about it. I love them dearly but I don't have the close friendship with them that my best friend has with her parents - and I sometimes envy her for it. Other times... it is what it is, and I still love them, and they love me, and I rather suspect we'll be on more even footing once they get the grandkids they want so desperately

 

[Gypsy]

Thank you everyone for all the great advice. I have read and reread all your responses several times. I promise I will bite my tongue whenever DD tells me something I am not too happy about.

You can also just say something like, "Honey, I love you... and we're going to have to agree to disagree on this, and that's okay. You are your own person and I respect that, and I know you respect me too as an individual."

As long as she's not endangering herself (narrow interpretation of that word, not broad where 'everything' potentially endangers her), she's not creating additional obligations (financial or otherwise) for you... her opinions, decisions, etc. are her business. If she chooses to share, good. But that doesn't mean she's going to agree with you, or that you are going to agree with her. Or that you have to. Disagreeing is okay. It's healthy and natural. And it doesn't mean that you don't love her and she doesn't love you. It also doesn't mean that one of you has to change for the other.

 

[lyra]

Your daughter sounds a little like my 22 year old daughter. I *try* to do what my mother did for me, and offer support. When she's being unreasonable, I tell her she's an adult and can make her own decisions, handle her own finances, whatever is appropriate to the situation. I *try* not to clash with her, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy. Mostly I have made sure my daughters are as self-reliant as possible. One is, one will try manipulate to get things. However, I've noticed a lot of personal growth in my youngest over the last several months as she's been living away from home and having to pay her own bills. I too have had a couple of mixed message phone calls over this time period. Just try to remain supportive even when she makes mistakes. The more I let go of my youngest, the more she decided I was right about some things, go figure!

 

[movie zombie]

...............And I will heed everyone advice about taking a more passive/supportive role and treat her like any other adult. I guess since I saw her all summer and she only left for school a couple of weeks ago, we fell back into old habits. I think we need to establish new rules at home as well so we don't fall back into these old habits anymore.

very very smart indeed, especially the bolded.

 

[texaskj]

At least it's not a tatoo! A piercing can always grow shut.

 

[Meezermom]

This is one of those instances where the statement "pick your fights" is appropriate, because this should not be a fight or an issue. Let it go, she is an adult who will make plenty of decisions that you won't agree with. It's all part of the "learning experience".

 

[Kaleigh]

You have raised a wonderful daughter. She made a big girl decision , and then felt bad perhaps.. The fact that she was able to call you and share with you , means a lot..

I would say going forward, well you got this, are you ok with it?? You know you can call me with anything...

I told my kids who are 24 and 22, they can come to me with anything...

I don't judge.


I think you are a lot like me in the parenting department.

Hugs!!!

 

[distracts]

I know my parents had a tough time with me and my brother becoming more independent... My father went to see a therapist who specialized in helping parents adjust to interacting with their children as adults. My mother did not. Guuuessssss who has had a much harder and longer time adjusting? She still doesn't see my brother as an adult, and she only sees me as an adult because I am getting married. And THEN, probably only because I am getting married to someone almost a decade older than me.

I guess since I saw her all summer and she only left for school a couple of weeks ago, we fell back into old habits. I think we need to establish new rules at home as well so we don't fall back into these old habits anymore.

Yes. This. I had a whole long, very personal comment typed out about me and my parents but I thought it may have been getting too off topic... the conclusion was that you need to ask HER what rules should be established. Ask her what she wants from you as parents. If she has a good enough relationship with you to make the call she did, the things she comes up with will not be unreasonable. They may SEEM so to you, but she is asking for a reason. Have a rational conversation with her about why, and accept that she feels her feelings.

I'll also add that my helicopter parenting held me back in many ways, for a very long time. I am the kind of person who won't do something for myself if there is someone there who will happily do it for me (hey, I'm lazy in some ways!), and I just never bothered to grow up until my parents stepped back (or, well, my dad stepped back, and dragged my mother kicking and screaming) and I had to.

 

[Ravenne]

I'm going through this with my mother right now (I'm 24, so I've got a few years on your daughter. And it's not a navel piercing, but it's a very similar situation). So I'm gonna try to give my viewpoint and what I can imagine to be your daughter's, try to let you see the other side.

I decided a few years ago that I wanted a tattoo. But I didn't know what I wanted, so I held off until something struck a chord with me. Designs popped into my head, but faded after a while and I just waited. A while back I ran across a design that immediately felt right. So I sat on it for a while, made the decision that I really did want this one and I was ecstatic!

The only problem is, my mother is so completely against tattoos and we're so incredibly close. I dreaded telling her. And hiding it from her is not an option, in my mind. I couldn't imagine keeping something like that a secret when it means so much to me. It's also a fairly large design... harder to hide than a bellybutton piercing.

Last week, I called her like I do every other day or so and just threw it out there. Yikes. That was not a fun conversation. She told me all these things she hates about tattoos, how she knew a woman who got cancer and died from a staph infection in 3 days after starting chemotherapy. She credits the staph infection to her getting a tattoo 20 years prior. I don't. (A staph infection from a tattoo parlor makes itself known immediately, but there's no sense in reasoning with her in that regard. She's rather stubborn). Really her biggest issue is safety risks. Which I understand. They worry me too, which is why I chose the best parlor in my area and an artist that's been in the industry for over a decade. Guy knows what he's doing and he's darn good at it. It didn't make her feel any better. She's certain that I'm going to get an awful disease and die immediately from this tattoo. Nothing I can say will make her at all supportive. She even used the D word (disappointed).

And that hurts. SO much. The most she could say is "Well. I guess I can't stop you." Very true. I work 44 hours a week, pay my own bills and live 3 hours away from her. But I don't want her to think "I can't stop it." I want her to think "She wants this; I love her; I can learn to understand, even if I don't necessarily like it."

I'm in my mid 20s. I'm a grown woman am out of school and I still want my Mom's support and pride. I don't think I ever won't. We've moved past it a bit and in our last conversation; things were slightly tense, but I think we'll go back to normal soon... I hope.

In the grand scheme of things, a navel piercing is small potatoes. Piercings are not permanent (usually) body mods. Especially navel piercings. If she ever decides she doesn't want it anymore, she takes out the barbell and boom. It's gone within a week. Likely less. In fact, most piercings are like that. Since it's done and done, I'd maybe talk to her about where she went, did she check out the parlor for cleanliness and sanitation, etc, and is she following the aftercare to the nth degree to prevent infection (navels are somewhat more prone to infection and rejection than most). Try to make sure she's being smart about it all and any future body mods she wants. She needs to do her research.

She's right, she doesn't need your permission. But she does want you to support her decisions (within reason) and not judge her for them. I imagine she called you crying because she was so afraid you'd react badly and she was afraid of damaging your relationship (I cry when my emotions start running high, regardless of what the emotion is. She may be the same, but who knows). Answer her questions with love, give advice where she asks for it. Maybe take the time to educate yourself on piercings so you can go into it with some good information. I doubt she wants you to go completely hands off. If she did, she wouldn't have called you crying. But she's starting to make her own decisions and all things considered, this isn't a big decision that will affect the rest of her life (even though I'm sure she feels like it is. Lol). But it does set a precedent. And it's a good precedent, I think. Now if she says "Mom, I'm dropping out of college to join a Russian circus" then I'd recommend stepping in post haste. But I'm sure you knew that.

My goodness, I'm so sorry that turned into such a novel. But people in my generation getting body mods and then having strained relationships with their families as a result is a very big topic for me.

 

[princesss]

...............And I will heed everyone advice about taking a more passive/supportive role and treat her like any other adult. I guess since I saw her all summer and she only left for school a couple of weeks ago, we fell back into old habits. I think we need to establish new rules at home as well so we don't fall back into these old habits anymore.

very very smart indeed, especially the bolded.

Ditto MoZo.

I would be very surprised if your daughter is doing/saying any of this specfically to hurt you. I know I didn't/don't when I was going through/go through this now. But as boundaries are drawn, feelings get bruised. It sounds like you've got a great relationship, and you'll both come out of this conversation relatively unscathed.

I remember spending a summer living with my parents after graduation (long story), and my mom wanted me to let her know what time I was going to be home, and text them if I was going to be later. I didn't want to at all - I'm a night owl, and there's a lot to do, so my nights can be unpredictable. But she explained that she thought this was the same thing I'd do for a roommate, and that's all she was asking. Despite the fact that I had never done that with a roommate, if a roommate had asked me to do that, I probably would have. So I agreed. I think that giving a different context for some requests may help - if you think it's a safety/health thing, put it in the context of a different relationship and see how she'd handle it then. I had a bit of a knee jerk reaction to my parents asking me to do anything I wouldn't have had to do on my own, but when it was a request and not a requirement and I was given a chance to see where they were coming from, I agreed to the things that were important to them without feeling like I'd been forced into doing it.