What if's..... I need some advice...

[crazy10]

WARNING: This post will be quite long! I think background information will be important.

Okay, so now to the story. I am posting this under an anonymous name because I am too ashamed to do this under my "real" account. I used to be very active on the PS boards, but after my wedding and going back to graduate school, I fell off the wagon. I always valued the opinions and advice of the PS ladies so I am turning to you guys in my "time of need." I married my husband close to two years ago. About six months after the wedding, I noticed he began abusing the pills he took for chronic pain. His business was one of many that took a huge hit with the bad economy and painkillers became his "prozac". Needless to say, his emotions were like a rollercoaster: moodswings, violent tantrums (never physically abusive to me, just many cell phones and a few doors in the house), and a few times he even told me he wanted a divorce and left our home to stay with friends for a few days. Sometimes I would call him and he was so strung out I couldn't understand a word he was saying. His parents and I would drive around looking for him, worried that he would kill himself or someone else on the roads. He would make up excuses such as "I was in so much pain, but I didn't mean to take that much medication!" It was such a horrible time for me and I thought of leaving him many times. I stayed because well, for better or worse, right?

The times when he told me he wanted a divorce were horrible. I would stay in bed and cry, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. All I wanted was for him to commit to his vows and try to make our marriage work.

The good news is my husband got a good, hard wake-up call and has been sober for almost a year. I truly believe he has kicked his addiction for good because in the past he never stayed sober for more than two weeks. We still have our fight, but more along the lines of the typical married couple now! He has been trying so hard to be a great husband. He does most of the housework to help me out because my schedule is so hectic. He always puts me and my needs above his own, overall he is very loving and women always tell me how lucky I am.

Here is where things get tough. My ex-boyfriend recently married and all I can think about is what my life would have been like if I would have stayed with him. So the story on my ex: The ex was my college boyfriend, and I was so in love with him!! I had boyfriends before him, but he and were magical together from the beginning. We didn't really discuss marriage because we were so young at the time, but we were very serious and I always thought about a future with him. I think he felt the same. He was an amazing guy, with a great sense of humor. We had a lot of common, probably more than what I have with my husband. I finally broke things off with my ex because he began put me down all the time, and had an eye for other girls. He would even point out other girls, mention how hot they were and tell me I needed to dress like them! Pretty crappy, right? I do not think he ever cheated on me, but being that we were so young, I think he was worried that he was too young to be tied down. Me breaking up with him gave him the wake-up call he need to show him that he had been treating me poorly. For the next year, we stayed somewhat close and he always wanted to get back together, but I was hesitant because I was finally having fun as a single college girl, and I was afraid that he would turn into the same jerk that was towards the end of our relationship. Nonetheless, he and I had a lot of fun during our relationship.

While still stringing my ex along and maybe even letting him believe there was a chance I would give another shot, I met my current husband. He swept me off my feet and I had never had a man take such good care of me. My ex was very hurt to find out that I started dating someone new and we went our separate ways. I have thought about my ex from time to time, and I even thought about contacting him during one of my very brief separations from my husband. We have not had contact in over 3 years, although he did send me a facebook message last year. The message said that he was happy for my recent marriage, he was sorry for how he had treated me and wished we had worked out, and he met someone new and was in love. I did not get the message until months later, but at that point I thought it was too late to respond.

Now that he has gotten married, he is all I can think about. While he was a great guy who deserves happiness, I am taking this news very hard. Things with my husband are finally in a good place so why I am grieving the end of the relationship with my ex? WHY NOW? This is consuming me and I don't understand it. I even have irrational thoughts about contacting him! HOW FRICKIN CRAZY IS THAT!!!! I am making myself physically sick. I am usually the one that friends come to for advice so why can't I take my own! I can't even talk to my friends about this because it is so......sickening......insane......stupid.....

I am have some trust issues with my husband and fear that we will never work out in the long run, but I finally have the stable marriage I was praying for. Why can't I enjoy it?

Did I make a big mistake? Should I have stayed with me ex?

 

[meresal]

First off, I am very sorry for everything you have been thru and the pain it is still causing you. You are a very strong person for sticking with your husband and he is a lucky man.

Crazy, thinking about your ex is pointless. He is married. That ship has sailed. (For the record, I don't think you should have been with your ex. Just because he has found someone that makes him happy and him getting married makes him seem like "great husband material", doesn't mean that he was meant to be YOUR husband. I had to go thru those feelings when my ex married. He is a great guy for his wife and they work perfectly, but he wasn't the guy for me.)

As far as you and your husband, you have been thru alot, and I personally think that you should seek some counseling. Even if he doesn't want to go together, which I think would be best, at least if you went on your own you could gain some perspective on the feelings you have re: your marriage.

Best of luck.

 

[KimberlyH]

Wat you should have done is meaningless as you didn't, and your life is here and now, nothing can change that. Contacting him would be a mistake, it would only serve to contribute to your "what ifs" and likely do damage to your marriage. Your husband made some harmful decisions, harmful to himself, to you, to his parents, to your marriage. That's a hard pill to swallow. I'd consider counseling for myself and perhaps jointly, but alone first, to determine if you are capable of forgiving him and moving on or if perhaps too much damage has been done.

Wondering what might have been had you choosen a different path is normal, but it sounds like there is lots unresolved between you and your husband.

My best to you.

 

[Porridge]

{{{Hugs}}}

No you shouldn't have stayed with your ex and thinking about it is pointless. What if's are pointless. If it was meant to happen it would have happened. It didn't. You chose your husband. Plus, putting you down like that, comparing you to other girls?! As Meresal said, maybe he's great husband material for his wife, but he is not the one for you.

Part of me wonders, could you be (unwittingly) slightly missing the drama of your "old" life? Things were so messy for a while, you must have had an awful lot on your mind. Now things have calmed down and it's more like plain sailing, could you be unconsciously seeking to replace the turmoil that you were used to?

I think you should go easy on yourself. It's going to take time to get used to your husband being sober, to get used to the quieter life, and for you to really be able to trust him again. Kudos for sticking by him during his illness, it must have been very hard on you.

 

[crazy10]

Thank you guys for responding, it is so helpful to have you wonderful ladies reinforcing what I already know. I must say, it was therapeutic to type all that out and have it somewhere besides stuck in my head! I have no intention on actually contacting my ex, and I KNOW that part of my life is over. What bothers me is that the "what ifs" are the only thing I can think about. I can't sleep, my stomach is in knots, I have never felt like this before, it is consuming me. If I know this is where my life is, so why can't I stop thinking about it? I most definitely am not missing the "drama" or my old life, and I know that if my husband were to slip again I would leave him. But I think you guys are right about having unresolved issues. I am confident that I can move on with my husband because things have been so wonderful since he has been sober, but I think I am still angry with him for everything I went through. I am considering therapy on my own right now, I don't want my husband to know what is going on in my head until I have it figured out myself!

Meresal, thank you for telling me you went through similar emotions when your ex married. I am really trying to focus on the reasons why we broke up, and tell myself that the drama would have never ended. I have been trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of it, I have been spending quality time with my husband and focusing on his wonderful traits. I am doing everything I can think of!!!

In the end, I am hoping this is one of those "normal" human reactions that makes us imperfect, just like jealousy and anger. Lets hope...

 

[Steel]

No relationship or marriage will be perfect whether you stayed with your ex-bf, stay with your DH or move on. It will never be 24carat perfect and iron clad.

Stop looking over the fence, yeah you and your DH have a rough patch but if you love him then keep your head down and get thought it. And absolutely get counselling it will help - trust me.

It will be ok.

 

[Indylady]

You might be grieving it now because you might have, consciously or subconsciously, you imagined him to be a "back-up." I read an article once that having "back-ups" for your "primary mate" is an evolutionary mechanism that is built into us--essentially, we keep an eye out for potential mates in case something happens to the one that we have. That's just a theory; please feel free to ignore it if it sounds too wild.

I am really sorry that you are going through these feelings, and I am glad to hear that you and hubs are one the same page and getting to a better place. Lots of hugs and happy dust to you!

 

[cara]

You are fixated on a *dream*!!! Its not real, this imaginary wonderful life you would have had with your ex-bf. Just look at what you wrote - towards the end of the relationship he was putting you down and had an eye for other ladies! Not wonderful husband material. Whether he might have changed is irrelevant - you are dreaming about a changed man that is a figment of your imagination! Your actual husband is a real person, with real flaws, and it is awfully hard to compete with someone's dream husband (who didn't actually ever exist with all the qualities you want). Of course, it makes a certain amount of emotional sense *why* you are thinking of your ex rather than your husband now that you have gotten through the rough patch in your marriage. You aren't putting out the fires anymore, but there are lingering issues keeping you from fully trusting your husband and devoting yourself to your marriage so you are dreaming about imaginary perfect bf from the past... It makes some sense, but its keeping you from living the life you've got and enjoying it. Maybe you can put this away on your own, but maybe some therapy might help you on this front. You seem to still be dealing with the aftermath of your husband's addiction, so some prodding from therapy will shed some light on what else you need to be able to fully commit to your marriage.

 

[Porridge]

I feel I should clarify my earlier post; I didn't mean that you miss the drama, I didn't really explain myself very well there. What I meant was that you're probably still reeling from all the events of last year. Things are different now, I imagine you were consumed with dozens of emotions while your husband was going through such a tough time. Now, in the wake of it, it must be hard to get back to "normal" after all that. Kind of like sailing through a storm. It's awful, but you're on high alert, consumed with the worry of it while you're in it, and for a while after you get out of it you're still operating in high gear, and it takes time before you can learn to relax and enjoy the still waters.

Gah, this is all coming out arseways. Do you know what I mean though? Not that you miss drama, but that now that it's gone it takes getting used to.

I think therapy is usually a good idea. You sound like a very rational person, but like everyone else it takes time for our emotions to catch up with our brains, and you've been through a tough, confusing time.

 

[Jennifer W]

Hugs, honey. This is tough for you - here's my take on it, which you may disregard if it's unhelpful.

You can't stay with the ex, so that's a moot point. I suppose the bigger question is whether you can stay with your husband. If you think there's someone out there who will be a better match for you, then you can set yourself free to find him, or accept that it won't happen.

You've been through a traumatic time with what you've described of your husband's behaviour - that's got to colour how you feel about not just him, but about yourself and relationships in general. It would be so wonderful to think that there's someone out there who wouldn't have put you through that, who would have been the stable husband right from the start and it's possible that you're pinning that that dream onto an ex because it's safe - he isn't available, so it's a fantasy, maybe?

Sometimes I think that thinking about a certain thing or person seems to wear a groove in the brain. Whenever you switch off, don't pay attention or just zone out, your thoughts fall back into that groove by default. It can take a jolt to move you on, or just time to heal. I think you've been through hell and need some time to heal emotionally. You can only live on adrenaline and at crisis point for so long before it leaves a scar.

If you take the joint commitments you have with your husband out of the equation, whatever they may be, would you stay with him? Is he worth your time and your love? Is his current good behaviour the real him, or the 'I'm sorry, please don't leave me' him?

I'm sorry you're unhappy over this, and I hope you find a place where you can be truly happy, whether that's with your husband, as a single person or with another partner. Maybe only time will tell. I wish you all the best.

 

[y2kitty]

The problem with asking "what if" is that you never get to find out the answer.

 

[lulu]

Frankly, your ex doesn't sound like such a keeper to me. He is probably telling his new wife how she should dress and that other women are hotter. Who needs that?

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

"What If's" are a quagmire and vacuous existence at best. And fantasies are much more fun than reality.

Thing is, happiness is something you have to work at--everyday. Have you/and your husband sought counselling? Perhaps you might benefit in having someone listen to your concerns and help you toward a path of healing and positive (and grounded) direction.

chers--Sharon

 

[crazy10]

It doesn't help that my ex's new "wife" is in my opinion a little cuter than me, but I have a way hotter body, haha! Sorry, my odd sense of humor is what keeps me sane sometimes. But seriously, in some sick way it helps when your replacement is not as cute as you!

On a more serious note, thank you ladies for your kind words. Reading your response got my gears going and has helped me realize a few things.

While things with my husband have good for a while now, I am really still scared that at some point our marriage will end in divorced. Why? I don't know, but the ordeal I went through with him made me realize that our relationship is NOT invincible. And I know this is not the "right" way to look at things, but if we are not going to work out, I would rather end things now while I am still young and don't have children tying me to him. I used to think that he could kick his habit and our marriage would be wonderful again, but it appears the damage caused runs much deeper than I had thought.

To some degree I have always wondered what would have evolved had I chosen to be with my ex instead, but I would probably be wondering about a life with my current husband had I married my ex. AND, if I were to walk away from my husband right now, I would probably look back in five years and think "What if I had tried harder?" The grass is always greener, right?

I also noticed that while looking at photos of my ex with his new love, their life seems so perfect! They appear to be so happy and in love, but maybe that is what is what my ex sees when he looks at photos of me with my husband. Looking into other people's "perfect worlds" sometimes gets me a little sad about what I had to go through in mine. But while people telling you that -NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT- technically is NOT a form of therapeutic communication, sometimes it really does help. Thank you all.

 

[crazy10]

Indy, I think I totally had the idea of my ex as a "back-up" and I am grieving that idea! And even though he was seeing someone else, I honestly think I would have contacted him if and my husband and I had split up. I seldom even thought about him until I found out he had gotten married!

And just to clarify, if my husband and I do not work out in the future, I will NOT contact the ex unless he happens to become single as well! I will not become a home wrecker! I PROMISE!!!! (Scorned women sometimes do crazy things!)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I used to think that he could kick his habit and our marriage would be wonderful again, but it appears the damage caused runs much deeper than I had thought.

I did not read the replies so sorry if I am repeating someone but you need to get yourself to an Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon) meeting. Addiction is a disease of attitudes. The drinking/using is only a symptom of the disease. An addict is never cured but can live a successful, healthy life in recovery. Unless your husband is in counseling and/or active in a 12 step program, chances are he will not change his addict's personality or behavior. Luckily you can focus on YOU and Al-Anon will give you the tools you need not only to have a happy and healthy relationship with your husband, but it will improve every single relationship you have.

Sounds like you have some grieving to do. Acceptance IS a form of grief. Let yourself feel whatever feelings you are but don't get lost inside your head. Sometimes that can be a VERY dangerous place to be alone. If you find yourself going there try counseling. Good luck.

 

[swingirl]

I think what you are really wondering about is not so much, "what if I was with my X" but "what if I wasn't with my husband". You started off your married life behind the 8 ball. Don't have any children yet. You need to see where things so before you bring more people into the mix. It's very understandable that you are scared of your husband's relapse and there was a certain amount of trust and safety that has been lost.

I do hope you find some peace because you've been through a lot for only having been married 2 years.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

You might be grieving it now because you might have, consciously or subconsciously, you imagined him to be a "back-up." I read an article once that having "back-ups" for your "primary mate" is an evolutionary mechanism that is built into us--essentially, we keep an eye out for potential mates in case something happens to the one that we have. That's just a theory; please feel free to ignore it if it sounds too wild.

Hey "Crazy10", in the event you're interested, I think I may have posted the article to which IndyLady is referring on a PS thread a while back. In the event it helps (and in hopes that it's the article to which IL was referring), here's a link to the page:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/help-me-heal-my-broken-heart.142307/?hilit=backup

 

[Italiahaircolor]

What if doesn't exist, the only tangible thing is what is. There is a part of that which can be fun...but then there is what you're feeling, the physical illness over the whole thing....

I doubt if there is a woman among us who hasn't been taken by surprise when an ex of ours is married...and yes, it's normal to reflect on your time together, the fun you had...and for some, a pinch of happiness for that person that they are happy and settled. But then it can go to far...

Perhaps I can offer my opinion on that....

You're not the only wife who has ever dealt with the ramifications of addiction. And the outcome is an overall soured attitude towards the spouse when it's not properly addressed (sometimes even when it is, to be honest). I really think so much of what you're feeling right now is the lasting effect (PTS) of having been involved with an addict. You've been at the low point of a marriage, and a very hard point as well, thats not something that washes away on it's own. It's not easy to rebound from that without serious intervention from a counselor or therapist. I would encourage you to seek some help privately to help you come to terms with the emotional toll his issues took on you individually and you as a couple.

As far as the "what if"...well, I really believe that so much of that has to do with your recent stressors...and I also think that on some level that's a normal reaction what you've been through. You have been so, so far from what your "ideals" were and what your dreams were and you're looking for a do-over or a second chance. You may even believe that had you chosen differently, you'd be different...happier, maybe?

So much doubt has been introduced in the recent year. Anticipating another downfall or a divorce, I mean, who could blame you? That's some serious stuff. When a partner is an addict, they change...and you will change too.

There is no easy answer for your situation...only heartfelt advice and my objective perspective. I hope, beyond hope really, that you understand you're going to be okay, and with time and talk get to the other side.

Be well.

 

[Pandora II]

I used to think that he could kick his habit and our marriage would be wonderful again, but it appears the damage caused runs much deeper than I had thought.

I did not read the replies so sorry if I am repeating someone but you need to get yourself to an Al-Anon (or Nar-Anon) meeting. Addiction is a disease of attitudes. The drinking/using is only a symptom of the disease. An addict is never cured but can live a successful, healthy life in recovery. Unless your husband is in counseling and/or active in a 12 step program, chances are he will not change his addict's personality or behavior. Luckily you can focus on YOU and Al-Anon will give you the tools you need not only to have a happy and healthy relationship with your husband, but it will improve every single relationship you have.

Sounds like you have some grieving to do. Acceptance IS a form of grief. Let yourself feel whatever feelings you are but don't get lost inside your head. Sometimes that can be a VERY dangerous place to be alone. If you find yourself going there try counseling. Good luck.

Ditto, ditto, ditto!

Definitely go to Al-Anon.

I spent 7 years with an addict and would have totally denied that I liked the 'drama' - I actually didn't like the drama at all but it was what I knew and kept constant adrenaline going... the ups were very up and the downs very down. Once I started dating healthy relationships they felt very dull and boring in comparison as I was used to the drama of being with an addict.

Once I accepted that I couldn't change others behaviour and I shouldn't enable them in their destructive behaviours and that stable didn't equal boring or wrong I started to have better self esteem and better relationships.

I'm now married to a man who I have a wonderful relationship with but 15 years ago I would have probably considered it to be dull and boring.

PS. The ex was not meant to be - you are almost certainly looking with rose coloured glasses at the moment!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

It doesn't matter whether you made a mistake or not, though I don't think you did. I know this is easier said than done, but... get over it. Do not indulge in these thoughts of the ex. He is not an option. He probably never was an option. You are wallowing in thoughts that are not healthy for you. STOP! Work on your marriage, or don't. Go to Al-Anon, or don't. But you're not doing yourself any favors by dramatizing this great love with the ex that was not so great.


I hope I don't come off harshly because that is not my intention. I've been there too. The what-ifs and fantasies about exes are common, but ultimately they're selfish and destructive and just plain stupid.

 

[crazy10]

Thanks to all of you! I really think I just needed a little reassurance that the emotions I was feeling over my ex were "normal-ish". However, all of your words also helped me to realize that I am still resentful towards my husband because of what he put me through. We seldom talk about what happened, and in some ways he is right when he tells me we can't keep talking about if we are going to move on. So I have set up an appointment with counselor I am going to start seeing on my own. I plan on keeping this from my husband for the time being because there are things I would like to discuss with the therapist that most husbands would not understand and don't need to hear.

The obsessing over the ex has settled down quite a bit THANK GOD! Seems like the shock of him being married has worn off, I have accepted it, and now I am moving on. I should have known it was a phase but the feelings became so consuming I really panicked.

Thank you all again for reassuring me!!!

 

[Porridge]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I hope the counsellor works out well for you.