What happens when 1 partner loves the other one more?

[hlpkaixin3344]

I have often heard people say that in most relationships, one partner always loves the other partner more. My question is, does this happen to any of you out there? And what happens if one day you meet someone that you really love but unable to walk out from your current relationship because your partner has already done so much for you and loves you unconditionally.

I am asking because this is what my best friend is going through. I had already advised her to stick through in her current relationship and do not break up with him just because someone from her past came back. The background story is that she and this other guy had a misunderstanding 10 years ago, causing them to remain friends. He had asked her out in a very indirect way, and she had thought that he just wanted to be friends. Personally, I feel that this guy is very selfish, since he KNOWS that she is now in a relationship for more than 4 years already. She has been crying lots and said that if only she knew back then. She is also afraid of leaving the current partner since she is not sure whether this other guy will treat her as good as her current one.

What will you advise her?

 

[kenny]

If she wants to leave, leave.
If she wants to stay, stay.
It's really that simple.

Tell her to look insider herself and see which she wants more.
Tell her to ignore what she is supposed to do.
Tell her to do what she wants to do?

If both choices are really impossible to choose between then it must be 50/50 so just flip a coin.

 

[celine]

Oh Kenny! I can't possibly tell her to flip a coin! LOL. Seriously, I do not envy her position. She has been telling me for ages about how much she likes/loves this guy (we were all from the same school). But then again, if he is the one all along, where was he all these years right???? And why did he feel the need to confess now? I think that it is really not fair to her current partner! But then again, she has her own happiness to think about ya? Of cos there is no guarantee that she will be happy with the other guy...So what she WANTS to do may be the biggest mistake of her life.

 

[kenny]

Date: 6/9/2010 2:54:29 AM
Author: celine
But then again, if he is the one all along, where was he all these years right????

THE one?
So this is a fate/religion/destiny thing?
Uh Oh. Sorry, can't help ya there.
See a psychic or a religious leader.

She sounds like someone tied in knots, and out of touch with herself.
Maybe spending a few years single is what she needs.

Please tell me she is a teenager because this is high school stuff.

 

[celine]

I am actually realy sympathetic with her current partner. Don't you think that he deserves more than this? But the thing is, she is my friend and he is not. Well, maybe "the one" is the wrong choice of word, but that was what I told her.

No, she is the same age as me = 26

 

[kenny]

Who she keeps or lets go of is her business.
Only she can decide.
As her friend support her decision.
I'd not influence her one way or the other, it's her relationship.

He doesn't deserve anything.
If she wants to stay she'll stay.
If she wants to leave she'll leave.
Love is not a jail.

I assume there are no children and they are not married so no vows are involved?
That would change everything AFAIC.

 

[celine]

Nope, Kenny. They are not married. I know it is her decision, and I am getting rather frustrated listening to her going on and on about how she wants to be with the old flame.

But genearrly though, I wonder what will others do if they are in her shoes. That is why I posted it here. I hope that I will never be in that position!

 

[kenny]

Date: 6/9/2010 3:13:42 AM
Author: celine
I know it is her decision, and I am getting rather frustrated listening to her going on and on about how she wants to be with the old flame.

Tell her that.
I'd tell her the next thing I want to hear is her final decision and I will not discuss this subject till she decides.

You can't solve her man problem but you can address the problem of her annoying you and dragging you around in circles.

 

[Hera]

I think she should move on and either explore something with the guy from her past or someone else, BUT I wouldn''t tell her that. I think you can only support her in any decision she makes, but let''s say you tell her and she goes back to that guy and it ends in disaster, she may blame you for that. You don''t want to feel responsible for that decision. So, I would help her talk out her different options, giving pros and cons on both side and let her find her way on her own.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 6/9/2010 3:01:10 AM
Author: celine
I am actually realy sympathetic with her current partner. Don''t you think that he deserves more than this? But the thing is, she is my friend and he is not. Well, maybe ''the one'' is the wrong choice of word, but that was what I told her.

No, she is the same age as me = 26

Absolutely, he deserves more than this. Essentially your friend is saying if she knew the other guy would be a "better deal" she would leave her current boyfriend, but the only reason she is staying is because she isn''t guaranteed to be treated as well by the other guy. Definitely not fair to her current boyfriend and I feel very bad for him.

 

[alli_esq]

I had to respond to this because it really reminded me of a situation I experienced almost 5 years ago...

I was with a guy for almost 2 years who treated me like gold--whom everyone in my family loved, who had become a friend to all my friends, and whom I believed I would marry.

Then I met this other guy...well, I had known of him for several years (complicated--he''s the brother of the girlfriend of my best friend''s brother--you get extra stars if you followed that, haha), but I finally attended a get-together without my boyfriend at the time, and spent some time with this new guy...

And I was pretty much torn. I ended up handling the situation TERRIBLY and if I could go back to any time in my life and handle one thing differently, it would be those few months. Suffice it to say that the "new guy" is now my husband, and when I think that I could have settled for being with my boyfriend at the time, just because he was super nice...well, being treated like a princess is very important of course, but that doesn''t mean you''re happy. I am HAPPY now.

Of course, everyone is different, and everyone experiences relationships differently...so I don''t know that anyone could have advised me at that time in my life (I''m SURE I got plenty of opinions on the matter!), but if you''re questioning your relationship like that, I''d seriously consider why that is...

 

[RaiKai]

Loving is as much an action as it is a feeling. Your friend is not being loving. This is not about one loving the other *more* but about her not being in a place to give to her relationship and partner what is healthy and loving.

I think your friend needs to end her relationship and take some time to be single.

But in your shoes I would tell her that this is not up to you, she sounds like she wants someone to tell her what to do and tell her it will all end well. No one can do that.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 6/9/2010 8:08:35 AM
Author: Lilac

Date: 6/9/2010 3:01:10 AM
Author: celine
I am actually realy sympathetic with her current partner. Don''t you think that he deserves more than this? But the thing is, she is my friend and he is not. Well, maybe ''the one'' is the wrong choice of word, but that was what I told her.

No, she is the same age as me = 26

Absolutely, he deserves more than this. Essentially your friend is saying if she knew the other guy would be a ''better deal'' she would leave her current boyfriend, but the only reason she is staying is because she isn''t guaranteed to be treated as well by the other guy. Definitely not fair to her current boyfriend and I feel very bad for him.

I second that. If she feels that way for someone else, and is staying with her current bf only because it''s the safe thing to do, I think that relationship is not healthy for either party. He deserves someone who''ll be with him because that''s what her heart desires most and not out of convenience. Your friend is obviously not satisfied with their relationship or she wouldn''t be looking into things that have ended 10 years ago.

 

[elrohwen]

I get so suspicious when things like this happen - if he was really "the one", why wasn''t he dating her the past few years? A misunderstanding is such a small thing that if they were really going to be together, I think they would''ve gotten over that. Some people only go after those who are unavailable, and this might be his way of going after her only when she is taken. Not really a good way to start a relationship, and I have a feeling he would be off like a shot soon after she got in a relationship with him.

However, if she''s really not happy in her current relationship, then there''s no reason to stay in it either. Though I think her decision to leave should be independent of this guy coming back into her life and sweeping her off her feet.

 

[lilyfoot]

I went through a pretty similar situation as alli_esq; I essentially broke up with my then-boyfriend (of 1.5 yrs), to be with my now-husband (whom I had somewhat "known" for years, as his best friend and my best friend had been dating 4+ yrs).

I went out to celebrate my best friends birthday with a big group, and my then-BF didn''t want to go. I ended up hanging around my now-DH a bit that night, and within the week (from Saturday to Wednesday), I had broken up with my BF. Nothing physical happened between my DH and I before that, but just by talking with him, I knew there had to be a better match out there for me than my then-BF (even if it didn''t turn out to be my now-DH).

I did know for a long time prior that the relationship with the ex wasn''t the one for me; it wasn''t anything he did, or that there was anything "wrong" with the relationship, it just didn''t feel right.

celine, all I can say is that to be a true friend, you just have to support whatever decision your friend makes. I also feel badly for the boyfriend in this situation, since it seems he has no idea what his girlfriend is thinking. Also, this strikes me as one of those "the grass is greener on the other side" type of deals, KWIM?

 

[joflier]

To me, it sounds like the current relationship, for whatever reasons, is not fully meeting your friend''s needs. There may not be anything ''wrong'' with the relationship, but it may just not be right. And staying in a relationship just because someone treats you good, is not good enough, imho. There has to be some stronger foundations than that.

 

[Callisto]

My $0.02 is that there are gonna be a lot harder moments in her life with her future partner than an old flame coming back into her life. If she''s doubting her current relationship at this stage before there are kids, or money issues, or job problems, what happens when she gets to those?

 

[movie zombie]

Kenny said it all. also, Lilac was right that she''s not being fair to the current guy. she needs a lot of single time to figure out a bunch of things.

if i was tired of hearing her talk about it, i''d tell her that. i''d tell her i''d support which ever way she goes but to make a decision and get on with life and quit talking about it.

mz

 

[Sha]

I don''t know. This is a tough ....

No advice but I do sympathize with her. Life and love choices are rarely as simple as black or white.

 

[HopeDream]

I was contacted by an old flame a while back, and for me there was no question. What I have now is so much better than reheating old leftovers - my response to the contact was ...huh!...ok, moving on...

I''m sad that your friend is feeling unhappy and unfulfiled on some level. I think at times western culture puts too much pressure on romantic relationships as the be-all end-all key to happiness. In my view relationships are for companionship and intimate connection, but becoming a whole, well-rounded human being with a sense of purpose in life is an individual responsibility.

What is the true root of your dear friend''s unhappiness? If she''s secretly feeling unfufilled because she''s trapped in a clerical position and dreams of teaching whitewater kayaking, then dumping her boyfriend and taking up with this old flame, is only going to provide a temporary happiness. I''m not sayng that your friend''s case is as clear-cut as that, but if she can do some deep thinking and really pinpoint what''s wrong I think it will help make her decision clearer.

best of luck to her

 

[celine]

I pretty much agree with everyone here. And also thank you for sharing your stories. Personally, I have never heard my friend complaining about her current relationship. The current bf is a very quiet person and in all their years of dating, I have only met him 3 times!! And yet I feel sorry for him now. As for the other guy, I seriously have no idea that he was even interested in her back in high school. This sounds really terrible for me to say out loud, but she was the one who had always been ringing up the guy "just to chat" and all these behind her bf''s back.

All said and done, I love my friend. I really wish that she will make the right decision. But if course I do not want to be responsible for anything either! Gosh. Now I am getting stressed out. I don''t even know what I will do if I were in her position, and basically that is what she is asking me. But I think my relationship with my FI is nothing like theirs!

 

[yssie]

Date: 6/9/2010 8:27:57 AM
Author: RaiKai
Loving is as much an action as it is a feeling. Your friend is not being loving. This is not about one loving the other *more* but about her not being in a place to give to her relationship and partner what is healthy and loving.

I think your friend needs to end her relationship and take some time to be single.

But in your shoes I would tell her that this is not up to you, she sounds like she wants someone to tell her what to do and tell her it will all end well. No one can do that.

RaiKai, you nailed it.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/9/2010 3:01:10 AM
Author: celine
I am actually really sympathetic with her current partner. Don''t you think that he deserves more than this?

Absolutely he deserves better, which is why she should move on. He deserves someone who can love him as much as he loves them. If I found out my DH was feeling this way about someone, I would tell him to go, because neither of us would be truly happy, or able to get the love we deserve in a relationship like that.

I have met guys who are attractive and interested in me or guys from my past since I have been with DH, but I didn''t have the slightest temptation to leave. Not because he treated me, but because I can never do better.

 

[HollyS]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with one partner loving the other more. As long as the one who ''loves less'' is perfectly satisfied in the relationship. I seriously doubt that both people ever really love at exactly the same level of intensity, at the same moment in time.

The drama and drivel of romance novels and soap operas is pure fiction. Oh, some have tried to make it real and lasting. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were very passionate. They thought they were soul mates. Look how well that turned out. Twice.

I would bet that the secret to every successful 50+ yr marriage is deep and abiding friendship and a feeling of ''belonging'' to each other. No doubt one of them loved the other enough for the both of them to make it through the rough patches to get to 50+.

 

[zipzapgirl]

When these discussions come up, it''s tempting to think about the situation as BF vs. Mr. Flame, but it really come down to whether your friend wants to be with the BF or not. It''s not BF or Flame, it''s with BF or without BF.

The other guy is really a symbol of what else might be out there. If your friend is having such a strong reaction to what it would be like to be with Mr. Flame, then there is probably something that''s missing in her current relationship. You know, just because two people are nice people doesn''t mean they belong together. The situation you describe where your friend loves her BF less than he loves her is essentially "settling", and I wouldn''t recommend that to someone who is 26. Life''s too short.

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is help your friend figure out whether she wants to be with BF or not. And encourage her to keep things on the up and up with Mr. Flame--ie. don''t cheat. No matter what happens, cheating will make this turn into an explosion.

 

[megumic]

I didn''t read all the posts...BUT

My brother''s ex once said to me, "My mom said one person is always supposed to love more than the other. And I know your brother loves me more than I love him." It made me BEYOND FURIOUS

I think it can happen, but I don''t think it is necessary and true in every relationship.

Plus, how do you even measure love??

 

[Cehrabehra]

she needs to look at the individual components. she needs to look at the relationship she is in and decide if it is a good one. It either is, or it isn''t. If it is she shouldn''t be entertaining the thoughts of others... if it isn''t then she should leave it regardless of whether she hooks up with the other guy. The other guy shouldn''t have a bearing on whether or not she remains in or ends the relationship she is in. She needs to evaluate that FIRST before she considers anything else. They may not be married, but she owes him that.

Also, I don''t believe in "the one". I believe it is all much more analog than that.

 

[Liane]

Date: 6/9/2010 7:48:11 PM
Author: megumic
My brother''s ex once said to me, ''My mom said one person is always supposed to love more than the other. And I know your brother loves me more than I love him.'' It made me BEYOND FURIOUS

That''s kinda funny. Well, not "funny" exactly, but my mom thinks my brother might be in that situation too because his gf said something similar not too long ago. I''m convinced she was kidding (it''s exactly the kind of horrible joke I would make) but yeah, if someone actually believes that... well, big red flag much?

 

[celine]

Hm. Zipzapgirl and Cehrabehra have states something that I have never even thought about. Both my friend and I are really trying to compare both guys. But if she has been telling us that the current bf is really good to her and that she loves him, doesn''t it mean that the current relationship is good for her? She had never entertained thoughts of any other guys except for the old flame. According to her, he was the one who got away. I also agree with someone who posted earlier (sorry can''t recall your name right now) about why the two of them did not get together 10 years ago. Furthermore, she remained single up to 4 years ago. If he really wants her, I think 6 years will be more than sufficient time to pursue a relationship right? I really have a bad feeling about this guy

 

[moment of clarity]

This is zip. Just wanted to make sure that this post doesn''t come up during a search...

I was once in a very similar situation. I was in LT relationship and I was mostly happy. But then I met someone who became a good friend and who I eventually developed feelings for. When I saw what I could have with this guy compared to what I did have with my BF, it was like turning on the overhead lights in a bar. Suddenly I realized that my relationship was missing a LOT. There were problems I had ignored or told myself that they weren''t important. There were resentments built up in corners. There was the question of where all the chemistry had gone, where all the affections were. On a daily basis things were fine and we weren''t fighting, but there were a lot of work-arounds on other issues like family, free time and vacations. When I looked around, things had gotten pretty grimy without me even noticing.

It was tempting to have this guy standing to the side ready to be my perfect partner. He was *there*, he had all those missing qualities, and it seemed like it would be an easy transition, you know? But BF was unfinished business. I mean, I already had a great guy, but I just had a few problems, so why not try to make the relationship better into something like I felt when I was around the other guy? So I started defining to myself what was wrong and what I needed changed.

Looking back now in hindsight two things stick out to me. 1) I don''t think BF and I were as compatible as I had always believed. When I went back and reviewed my own assumptions about what we wanted out of life, I realized that we were very different people. We didn''t enjoy the same things, have the same attitude toward friends and socializing, neither of us respected the other''s attitude towards their family, we were doing less and less in our free time together because it required constant compromise on someone''s part, we weren''t taking vacations together because we wanted to do different things...even our ideas of the perfect Saturday barely overlapped. We got along fine day to day and rarely fought, but it wasn''t enough.

2) I might never have realized how unhappy and unfulfilled I was if this other guy hadn''t come into the picture. On paper and in my head, I was fine and I felt like everything would be better when XYZ situation changed, but in my heart I was very unhappy and empty. Just having these feelings for this guy and being able to talk with him and interact with him on a whole other level really put things in contrast to what I had vs. what I could have. And in the end whether it was this guy or someone in the future, I knew what I could have and from that point on I didn''t want to settle for anything less.

So when I say that the other guy isn''t the real question, I mean that he might be a foil for seeing BF''s traits and the relationship, but he''s really more of a symbol. If it''s not him, it''ll be someone else 5 years down the road. My advice to your friend is just to think about exactly what is missing with the BF and whether it can be fixed.