What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married?

[stepcutgirl]

We are getting married at an outdoor gazebo with a Judge officiating, so no religious ceremony or anything. So, what exactly do we do besides vows once we're up there? I'm a little worried that the entire wedding will be done in 5 minutes!

I'd LOVE some suggestions.

 

[slg47]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

you could have someone do a reading (there are lots of non-religious readings/poems)
or a song
unity candle
sand mixing ceremony?

I saw something on four weddings where the bride and groom poured water into a cup sweetened with honey and then drank from it?


I think the officiant's beginning speech, rings, and vows will take up some time. Don't add anything that is not meaningful to you just to consume time-it doesn't have to be a long ceremony! You could also sign the marriage license at your ceremony?

 

[Magenta]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

If you're having other guests there, I suggest you look into a ring warming ceremony too. We found out about this recently and plan on doing it during our wedding.

As for the 5 minute ceremony worries, I'm having the same problem here. Once I stop procrastinating and finish writing the ceremony, I'll let you know how long it goes for. The judge may well have suggestions on what you could do, and beyond that, check out places like offbeat bride, and http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/10/writing-a-non-traditional-wedding-ceremony/ for some ideas.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Thank you both for the suggestions. I am looking into a reading and I would love to hear what you're going to do Magenta. We will indeed have about 100 guests there and the reception starts an hour after the wedding so I want to make sure everyone isn't standing around for 50 minutes.

 

[elrohwen]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

My entire wedding was done in 5min. Haha. SIL read a poem type thing, someone else did a reading, and the quartet played a song in honor of DH's father (who is deceased). Still, it was over pretty fast. Good thing because our judge was over 30min late (there was an accident and tons of traffic) and we just wanted to get to the reception!

 

[vc10um]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

You could always intentionally start 15 minutes late.

Although we're doing a somewhat traditional ceremony, we're writing our own as well. We are having 2 readings (one from The Bible [1st Corinthians 13] and one not...I am leaning toward either "To Love is Not to Possess" by James Kavanaugh or a passage by The Reverand Paul L'Herrou) and may add a third depending on how long the ceremony is becoming. We will not be doing a unity candle or any other such ceremony, but we will be signing our marriage license and a non-Jewish ketubah, which I will probably be making myself, similar to the ones seen here: http://www.modernketubah.com/nonjewish_ketubah.php during the ceremony. We will also be writing our own vows, plus the blessing and exchanging of rings. And keep in mind, while I understand you don't want your guests waiting around for a long time prior to the reception, you also don't want to extend the ceremony so long that they are bored or having trouble understanding why you have added all of these rituals or events to the ceremony.

 

[sillyberry]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

We're too devising our own ceremony, and on another thread someone (I'm so sorry I can't remember who at the moment) recommended "The Wedding Ceremony Planner" by Reverend Judith Johnson, PhD. It's all about planning a ceremony that doesn't fall into a particular faith. She offers a bunch of different texts, suggesting opening remarks, reading, vows, rituals, etc.

I haven't finished, but so far I highly recommend it.

 

[trillionaire]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Our ceremony... crafted from various books that I got from the library.


Processional Music: Pachelbel Canon

Welcome:
WELCOME! On this beautiful September morning, on this auspicious anniversary of seven years spent in loving relationship, what greater thing is there for two people than to feel that they are joined for life; to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow; to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories. That is the great journey that you, XXXXX, and you, XXXXX, embark upon this day.

For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation… Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering and uniting with another person – it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen… to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances.

It should never be said of either of you that you show more concern for a friend than you do for each other. More kindness, gentleness and concern need be shown in the privacy of your own home than anywhere else. Indeed, your home should be a haven from all of the confusion and craziness the world will create. And faithfulness to each other in every way is the primary ingredient that will keep all those aforementioned virtues in order and produce the joy you seek at this altar.

Ceremony of the Rings:

[Officiant to Bride]
XXXXXX, please face XXXXXXX, and hold his hands, palms up, so you see the gift that they are to you.
These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future; as you laugh and cry, as you share you innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wracks your mind.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

[Officiant to Groom]
XXXXXX, please hold XXXXXX’ hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.
These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that you are holding on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.
These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team everything you wish for can be realized.

[Officiant to Couple]
May your hands always be held by one another. May they have the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the darkness of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as you nurture each other in wonderous love.

[Ring Exchange]
XXXXXX, as you place this ring on XXXXXX, I now ask: Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Do you promise that from this day forward, your arms will be her shelter and your heart will be her guide? Do you promise to support her and nourish her and to respect and honor her for the rest of your days on this earth? If so, please say, “I do.”

XXXXXX, as you place this ring on XXXXXX, I now ask: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Do you promise that from this day forward, your arms will be his shelter and your heart will be his guide? Do you promise to support him and nourish him and to respect and honor him for the rest of your days on this earth? If so, please say, “I do.”

These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end, no giver and no receiver for each is the giver and each is the receiver. May these rings always remind you of the vows that you have taken.

Vows:
XXXXXX, having thus committed himself, may now declare his love for XXXXXX in words that he has chosen:

XXXXXX, having thus committed herself, may now declare her love for XXXXXX in words that she has chosen:

Final Words:
May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance and understanding. May you always need one another – not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces. May you look for little things to praise, often say, “I love you!” and take no notice of small faults. If you have quarrels that push you apart, may you both have the good sense to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another’s presence – no more physical than spiritual; warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities. May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it loving one another.

Conclusion:
And now, it is my distinct pleasure to pronounce you, for the first time, as Mr. and Mrs. XXXXXX and XXXXXX LastName.

 

[MagsyMay]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

We thought our ceremony was going to be like 5 minutes too, and then it ended up being close to 30! Our officiant did a quick opening non-denominational prayer, then had a quick sort of like a "sermon" or whatever, talking about the importance of marriage, committment, etc. and then went into a short story about how we had met, the progression of our relationship and the challenges overcome, and then a quick story about how we got engaged (for those guests who wouldn't necessarily have known all that information). Then we had 2 friends do readings: "The Art of Marriage" by Wilferd Arlan Peterson and "Blessing for a Marriage by" James Dillet Freeman.

Then we exchanged our own personal vows we had written and then did "traditional" vows led by the officiant. A quick final blessing and prounouncement, and we were done! It sounds like it would go super fast, but it really did take a lot longer than we expected. We didn't do a candle ceremony because it was outdoors and candles outdoors can be tricky, and the sand ceremony idea just did not appeal to us and seemed "forced" or something.

 

[StonieGrl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Most guests would be thrilled with a 5-minute ceremony~!

 

[stepcutgirl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Thanks for the responses. I need to call the Judge this week about the rehearsal dinner so I will see then if he plans on giving any kind of speech. I personally would like to have him say something about how fortunate we are to be able to marry while gays and lesbians cannot and not be preachy about it but remind everyone of what we (fiance and I) have that gays and lesbians are denied. Its a cause we are both passionate about.

 

[amc80]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

I personally would like to have him say something about how fortunate we are to be able to marry while gays and lesbians cannot and not be preachy about it but remind everyone of what we (fiance and I) have that gays and lesbians are denied. Its a cause we are both passionate about.

I get that it's a cause you are passionate about...but honestly, it sounds like it would be a downer. Sort of like "let's all enjoy this amazing reception food, but while savoring every morsel, think about the starving kids in Africa who don't even have a grain of rice. Bon appetit!"

Obviously it's your show and you can do whatever you'd like... that's just my opinion.

 

[vc10um]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

I personally would like to have him say something about how fortunate we are to be able to marry while gays and lesbians cannot and not be preachy about it but remind everyone of what we (fiance and I) have that gays and lesbians are denied. Its a cause we are both passionate about.

I get that it's a cause you are passionate about...but honestly, it sounds like it would be a downer. Sort of like "let's all enjoy this amazing reception food, but while savoring every morsel, think about the starving kids in Africa who don't even have a grain of rice. Bon appetit!"

Obviously it's your show and you can do whatever you'd like... that's just my opinion.

I would have to agree. If you really want to make a statement, perhaps put a paragraph about your feelings in the program. Your wedding ceremony should be a celebration of you, your fiance, and the love you have for each other. I really think that making such a statement during the ceremony would really take away from the two of you and the commitment you're making. If you wanted to make a verbal statement at some point, you could also do it during your speech to your guests at the reception: thank them for attending and ask them to join with you in ensuring everyone has the opportunity to marry the man or woman they love, like you have been so fortunate to do that day.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

I personally would like to have him say something about how fortunate we are to be able to marry while gays and lesbians cannot and not be preachy about it but remind everyone of what we (fiance and I) have that gays and lesbians are denied. Its a cause we are both passionate about.

I get that it's a cause you are passionate about...but honestly, it sounds like it would be a downer. Sort of like "let's all enjoy this amazing reception food, but while savoring every morsel, think about the starving kids in Africa who don't even have a grain of rice. Bon appetit!"

Obviously it's your show and you can do whatever you'd like... that's just my opinion.

I would have to agree. If you really want to make a statement, perhaps put a paragraph about your feelings in the program. Your wedding ceremony should be a celebration of you, your fiance, and the love you have for each other. I really think that making such a statement during the ceremony would really take away from the two of you and the commitment you're making. If you wanted to make a verbal statement at some point, you could also do it during your speech to your guests at the reception: thank them for attending and ask them to join with you in ensuring everyone has the opportunity to marry the man or woman they love, like you have been so fortunate to do that day.

Great points ladies. AMC your post actually made me chuckle out loud. I hadn't considered that for a second. So thank you for helping me to see how might come across. I'm going to talk to the Judge this week, maybe he has some talk he does when he marries someone.

 

[sillyberry]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

stepcutgirl, I know my photographer had the officiant say something about the couple's dedication to the cause of gay and lesbian marriage (I know this because we're using the same officiant). I also remember reading something from 2000dollarwedding.com where a couple did the same thing (I think you can find it in one of the weddings in this ceremony list).

 

[zipzapgirl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Most officiants have a file of ceremonies they use where you can take blocks of text you like, the vows you like, etc. Then you supplement these with readings, music and whatever you want to do ceremonially (if anything) such as unity candle, ring warming, glass breaking/ketubah signing, etc.

If you do want to write the ceremony and don't feel like you have enough to go on from you officiant's resources, then this is a great book. It explains the setup of most wedding ceremonies and then lets you pick the pieces you want for vows, I do's, ring exchange, address to the guests, presentation of the couple, etc. I used it for mine and it was great.


The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day
by Judith Johnson
http://www.amazon.com/Wedding-Ceremony-Planner-Essential-Important/dp/1402203438/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288100124&sr=8-1

 

[slg47]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

does that book have information about processionals/traditions/etc?

 

[vc10um]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

does that book have information about processionals/traditions/etc?

slg, you can check out the Table of Contents on amazon.com, but it looks like it discusses a few basic traditions as well as the before/during/after of a ceremony...

 

[Anonymous]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Tril - I read yours and I must say that your wedding sounds absolutely beautiful. I had to take a break (twice!) so I wouldn't tear up at work.

 

[violet3]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

hmmmm....i had a wedding in a church, and we sat during the sermon, so i'd say my wedding was around 25 minutes long, which i think is plenty. We had two readings during the wedding, which was nice, but they were short, so don't plan on them adding a long time to the ceremony length. I once sang at a friends wedding - that was really special to her - maybe you have a singer friend you'd like to include? Another friend of mine had a "real" vocalist - she sang during the seating, and did a couple of songs throughout the ceremony - i thought that was really nice, and you could choose your songs to be meaningful. Although, outside you'd have to make accomodations for the singer...

 

[violet3]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Our ceremony... crafted from various books that I got from the library.


Processional Music: Pachelbel Canon

Welcome:
WELCOME! On this beautiful September morning, on this auspicious anniversary of seven years spent in loving relationship, what greater thing is there for two people than to feel that they are joined for life; to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow; to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories. That is the great journey that you, XXXXX, and you, XXXXX, embark upon this day.

For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation… Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering and uniting with another person – it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen… to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances.

It should never be said of either of you that you show more concern for a friend than you do for each other. More kindness, gentleness and concern need be shown in the privacy of your own home than anywhere else. Indeed, your home should be a haven from all of the confusion and craziness the world will create. And faithfulness to each other in every way is the primary ingredient that will keep all those aforementioned virtues in order and produce the joy you seek at this altar.

Ceremony of the Rings:

[Officiant to Bride]
XXXXXX, please face XXXXXXX, and hold his hands, palms up, so you see the gift that they are to you.
These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and vibrant with love, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as he promises to love you all the days of his life.
These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future; as you laugh and cry, as you share you innermost secrets and dreams.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will comfort you in illness, and hold you when fear or grief wracks your mind.
These are the hands that will tenderly lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into his eyes: eyes that are filled completely with his overwhelming love and desire for you.

[Officiant to Groom]
XXXXXX, please hold XXXXXX’ hands, palms up, where you may see the gift that they are to you.
These are the hands of your best friend, smooth, young and carefree, that you are holding on your wedding day, as she pledges her love and commitment to you all the days of her life.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.
These are the hands that will comfort you when you are sick, or console you when you are grieving.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, for a lifetime of happiness.
These are the hands that will give you support as she encourages you to chase down your dreams. Together as a team everything you wish for can be realized.

[Officiant to Couple]
May your hands always be held by one another. May they have the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the darkness of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as you nurture each other in wonderous love.

[Ring Exchange]
XXXXXX, as you place this ring on XXXXXX, I now ask: Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? Do you promise that from this day forward, your arms will be her shelter and your heart will be her guide? Do you promise to support her and nourish her and to respect and honor her for the rest of your days on this earth? If so, please say, “I do.”

XXXXXX, as you place this ring on XXXXXX, I now ask: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Do you promise that from this day forward, your arms will be his shelter and your heart will be his guide? Do you promise to support him and nourish him and to respect and honor him for the rest of your days on this earth? If so, please say, “I do.”

These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end, no giver and no receiver for each is the giver and each is the receiver. May these rings always remind you of the vows that you have taken.

Vows:
XXXXXX, having thus committed himself, may now declare his love for XXXXXX in words that he has chosen:

XXXXXX, having thus committed herself, may now declare her love for XXXXXX in words that she has chosen:

Final Words:
May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance and understanding. May you always need one another – not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces. May you look for little things to praise, often say, “I love you!” and take no notice of small faults. If you have quarrels that push you apart, may you both have the good sense to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another’s presence – no more physical than spiritual; warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities. May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it loving one another.

Conclusion:
And now, it is my distinct pleasure to pronounce you, for the first time, as Mr. and Mrs. XXXXXX and XXXXXX LastName.

trill, I LOVE this. I love the "these are the hands" part. that's so personal and touching and not "stock option" like ours was. very very pretty.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Most officiants have a file of ceremonies they use where you can take blocks of text you like, the vows you like, etc. Then you supplement these with readings, music and whatever you want to do ceremonially (if anything) such as unity candle, ring warming, glass breaking/ketubah signing, etc.

If you do want to write the ceremony and don't feel like you have enough to go on from you officiant's resources, then this is a great book. It explains the setup of most wedding ceremonies and then lets you pick the pieces you want for vows, I do's, ring exchange, address to the guests, presentation of the couple, etc. I used it for mine and it was great.


The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day
by Judith Johnson
http://www.amazon.com/Wedding-Ceremony-Planner-Essential-Important/dp/1402203438/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288100124&sr=8-1

I don't think I want to write our ceremony, but I do want to write our own vows.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

That's exactly how we got married too...in front of a gazebo, married by a JP. Our ceremony was about 15 minutes. You can make it longer or shorter, depending on what else you'd like to include besides your vows. I had read so much about different types of symbolic ceremonies you could incorporate (a sand ceremony, lighting candles, blessings, etc.), but we weren't really into any of that. We did, however, ask my younger cousin to do a reading (she read advice and quotes that my 2nd grade students had written for me as an assignment -- yep, I totally used the kids for my own personal need! ). We also asked someone on my husband's side to do another reading. We also had a family friend play the harp (before and during the ceremony).

Although it was the perfect amount of time, like I said, about 15 minutes, I do remember thinking when it was time for the vows, "wow, it's time to say them ALREADY?!" They came up quick.

It was a great length for a ceremony, and we loved it. It was still meaningful even if it didn't include many "extras."

ETA: I just wanted to add that while I see what you mean about being grateful that you're able to marry although others cannot, I'd have to agree that your ceremony doesn't seem like the most appropriate place. Sorry, but it's just my opinion (and apparently amc's and vc's too!).
Also, just out of curiosity, where are you getting married?

 

[stepcutgirl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Thanks Zoe, I also think a 15 minute ceremony would be great! I think when we meet with the Judge he will have some things to say, at least I'm hoping. We are getting married in South East Florida. Where was your?

 

[turboflgrl]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Our ceremony... crafted from various books that I got from the library.

SO beautiful, meaningful, and everything I could ever want to have said. You did such an amazing job trill!!!

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Thanks Zoe, I also think a 15 minute ceremony would be great! I think when we meet with the Judge he will have some things to say, at least I'm hoping. We are getting married in South East Florida. Where was your?

We got married on the southern Maine coast.

 

[trillionaire]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Our ceremony... crafted from various books that I got from the library.

SO beautiful, meaningful, and everything I could ever want to have said. You did such an amazing job trill!!!

Turbo, Violet, Tammy

Thank you all for the kind words. The ceremony was actually really easy to write, as it was just an ecclectic mix of readings from various books. It came together very quickly and easily, but I really think it captured the things that I thought were most meaningful and important. The vows were MUCH harder for me to write.

I did laugh the day of the wedding, when the officiant went off the script and said some strange things... I don't remember exactly, but something like Spirits and winds? Very weird.

 

[Magenta]

Re: What exactly do you do at the alter when getting married

Turns out ours will be about 15 mins long. We're going to be standing holding hands, with the celebrant off to the side, a bit. If it's like the rehearsal, we'll be smiling, holding one hand or two, and occasionally speaking. And signing, of course.