What do you do??...

[sillybear36]

Hi everyone. I have a pretty sticky situation that I'm not really sure how to handle and I was hoping to get some advice....


What do you do when someone you love steals from you? I ask because one of my best friends stole from me before and I believe he did it again this past weekend. Problem is that I think he may be addicted to drugs...This was the reason he stole from me originally. He did not admit it to me the first time, I noticed that money was missing and he was the only one that had been over that day. So I asked him if he knew anything. At first, it was he told me no, he didn't know what happened. The next day rolls around and I told him that me and my hubby had gotten into an argument the day before over the money that was missing (seeing as neither of us had taken it) and he broke down and admitted to me that he had taken it...He said he was addicted to pain pills and he took the money so he could score more drugs.

I was beyond infuriated, this is a friend I've known for many years and never once had he taken from me and never once had he said he was using drugs. He paid me back and I forgave him...Well last night I think it happened again. He was over for a bbq we were having and at one point, he'd gone inside the house to use the bathroom. But we had a few people over so I'm not 100% sure it was him. I had maybe like $60 sitting on my bedroom dresser (the bedroom is directly across from the bathroom) and now it's missing. I spoke with him earlier today and he said it wasn't him. That he'd only done it the one time and that he saw how hurt and upset I was by it and he'd never do it again...

Do I believe him? Is it possible someone else had taken it? Is it possible I misplaced it? My hubby said he saw it there the last time he was in the bedroom so I know it was there at some point..I'm so confused and hurt. I don't want to assume it was him, but at the same time how could I not seeing as he did it before?

I don't really know what to do now..I don't want to lose him, he's like a brother to me. Do I confront him and demand he give me the money back?...But what if it wasn't him and this ruins our friendship completely???..What do I do?? Was I wrong to forgive him the first time?

Comment as you see fit. I won't be upset or get defensive...I'm just trying to get someone else's perspective.

 

[Person24]

If he truly is an addict . . . it was likely him. Often people who are addicts will do anything to get their fix. Why do you think so many women become prostitutes or strippers? (I'm not saying all of them are drug addicts but many are).
I have had enough friends who are addicts to know they are excellent and very persuasive liars. I know it is a big let down, but I wouldn't believe him.

 

[sillybear36]

As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. That's the same thing hubby said when I asked him about it.

Should I just cut all contact, or talk to him and let him know that I think he needs help? Do I just desert him or should I try to point him in the right direction?

I've never had an experience with addicts...so I'm at a loss with what I should do..

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it

 

[diamondseeker2006]

It really wasn't a wise idea to leave $60 on your dresser when you were having people over, especially since you know your friend has this problem. You really put him in a position to be tempted to take it since it was just laying right there. (I am not blaming you for his problem, of course.) But on the other hand, it could have been someone else who also has a problem, so you can't be 100% sure. I do think your friend needs help, but if you ever have him over again, don't have any money or prescription meds anywhere accessible so that this could not happen again.

There are people on here with experience in the field of addiction and can answer your questions better than I can. But I'd probably let the money thing go and just talk to him and ask if he has gotten treatment for the pill addiction. There are tons of people out there who have gotten addicted to prescription pain pills. He will need professional help to get off of them.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

I'd ask (like you did), then write off the money. I'd also stop leaving money out when I'm having a party.

 

[nkarma]

Addiction is a disease so you can't really blame him. You can suggest he gets help, bring him to a counselor or NA meeting to see what the affects of the drugs he is abusing are on his body, relationships, etc... I would chalk the money up to lost and then worry about the health of my friend who already admitted he is addicted to drugs. He may or may not (much more likely) take the help, so don't put yourself in the situation where he can ever steal something from you again and be supportive until he is ready to face his addiction which may take years.

 

[amc80]

Addiction is a disease so you can't really blame him.

Um, yes you can. If he took it then you can absolutely blame him.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Addiction is a disease so you can't really blame him.

Um, yes you can. If he took it then you can absolutely blame him.

You could but what is the point? Addition is a disease of bargaining. The disease will do whatever it needs to do in order to be fed. Imagine being on a diet and walking into a bakery. That's a whole lot of temptation. I am not saying people should steal from other people but you should understand what you are dealing with. This is a sick guy who is wrapped up in his disease. Hopefully he can find healthier ways to cope with life soon.

 

[movie zombie]

sit him down and tell him you love him dearly and it pains you to do it but he is no longer welcome at your home. explain why. explain how much it hurts to know that he's addicted and will steal from you to pay for that addiction. tell him that friends don't steal from friends. therefore, he is no longer welcome in your home. then enforce what you said. if you don't set a limit, well, you're part of the cycle that allows him to continue to use.....and steal from you.

you could tell him that you want to remain friends and that you are available over the phone and/or meeting at his place or in public to discuss friend things. if you do meet him, make sure you don't have a lot of cash on you or even credit cards.......and don't "loan" him money or offer to pay for his cup of coffee.

i'd also tell him that it hurts to see him as an addict. encourage the usual organizations. offer to go with him. depends on how involved you want to be. let him know that you love him but you love yourself and your relationship with your husband and need to limit when and how you have contact with him.

good luck.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Well, my thoughts include i dont understand why'd you'd leave $60 out in the open in the first place. Even among a group of people I trust, I still wouldnt leave cash laying around. Your friend is in a no win situation as he stole in the past so even one incident will cause any additional theft as him being the suspect regardless so it sounds like trust us flat out broken. You knew he was coming over, though, right? I don't get it. Why you didnt put the $ in a drawer or something.

 

[that_someone_special]

Addiction is a disease so you can't really blame him.

Um, yes you can. If he took it then you can absolutely blame him.

You could but what is the point? Addition is a disease of bargaining. The disease will do whatever it needs to do in order to be fed. Imagine being on a diet and walking into a bakery. That's a whole lot of temptation. I am not saying people should steal from other people but you should understand what you are dealing with. This is a sick guy who is wrapped up in his disease. Hopefully he can find healthier ways to cope with life soon.

I'm sorry, but saying that walking into a bakery when you are obese or on a diet, is absolutely not the same as a drug addict stealing from a friend. It's like comparing apples to spaghetti.

I guess the issue is, can the addict STILL tell the difference between right and wrong, even if they do the wrong thing?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Here's how I'd handle the situation:

The money is gone, and I'm dismissing it as an expense of the party. Whether my addicted friend stole the money (this time) or not, I clearly don't trust him in my home since I suspected him right away. I quit inviting him over, but continue to meet him out somewhere instead if I decide I want to continue the friendship. I quit leaving money out. I evaluate the other people at my party. Is it possible one of them took it? I probably won't be having large parties for a while since I can't trust my friends not to steal from me. bummer.

 

[nkarma]

Addiction is a disease so you can't really blame him.

Um, yes you can. If he took it then you can absolutely blame him.

You could but what is the point? Addition is a disease of bargaining. The disease will do whatever it needs to do in order to be fed. Imagine being on a diet and walking into a bakery. That's a whole lot of temptation. I am not saying people should steal from other people but you should understand what you are dealing with. This is a sick guy who is wrapped up in his disease. Hopefully he can find healthier ways to cope with life soon.

I'm sorry, but saying that walking into a bakery when you are obese or on a diet, is absolutely not the same as a drug addict stealing from a friend. It's like comparing apples to spaghetti.

I guess the issue is, can the addict STILL tell the difference between right and wrong, even if they do the wrong thing?

Actually it is like walking into your favorite bakery times a thousand. I actually liked the comparison Tacori said.

The answer is no addicts cannot tell the difference between right and wrong. Their brain is completely driven by their addiction and their need to get the next fix. They do feel a ton a guilt and shame and usually want to stop but their neurotransmitters are telling them otherwise. Hard to fight those!

 

[iugurl]

The answer is no addicts cannot tell the difference between right and wrong. Their brain is completely driven by their addiction and their need to get the next fix. They do feel a ton a guilt and shame and usually want to stop but their neurotransmitters are telling them otherwise.

If they don't know right from wrong, why would they feel guilt and shame?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Addiction is a disease so you can't really blame him.

Um, yes you can. If he took it then you can absolutely blame him.

You could but what is the point? Addition is a disease of bargaining. The disease will do whatever it needs to do in order to be fed. Imagine being on a diet and walking into a bakery. That's a whole lot of temptation. I am not saying people should steal from other people but you should understand what you are dealing with. This is a sick guy who is wrapped up in his disease. Hopefully he can find healthier ways to cope with life soon.

I'm sorry, but saying that walking into a bakery when you are obese or on a diet, is absolutely not the same as a drug addict stealing from a friend. It's like comparing apples to spaghetti.

I guess the issue is, can the addict STILL tell the difference between right and wrong, even if they do the wrong thing?

Actually it is like walking into your favorite bakery times a thousand. I actually liked the comparison Tacori said.

The answer is no addicts cannot tell the difference between right and wrong. Their brain is completely driven by their addiction and their need to get the next fix. They do feel a ton a guilt and shame and usually want to stop but their neurotransmitters are telling them otherwise. Hard to fight those!

I work with addicts so I have some insight. I have often asked family members to imagine giving up something they enjoy and consume on a daily basis (ex. chocolate, coffee, soda, etc). If they don't think that would be an issue, I tell them to do it. Give up something they love for two weeks. That gives a non-addict insight on an addict's brain/behavior.

Addicts DO feel shame and guilt. That shame and guilt is what usually drives them right back to their drug of choice. Can you even imagine being a slave to a self-sabotaging substance? No one would choose that kinda life. No one. To me that proves this is not a matter of will power. Like nkarma said, their disease takes over. All the disease wants is to be fed. Money laying around is a way to feed it. Is it right? Of course not. But, if I knew someone was coming into my home I would not have cash laying around (addict or not).

 

[centralsquare]

Addiction is very hard to deal with, from both the outside and inside. My brother was addicted to sleeping pills 10 years ago. His behavior was very, very odd for a while and honestly we had no idea; I thought he was just becoming more and more of a jerk over time. But, after we found out about the addiction (which came to be known in a very upsetting set of circumstances), I still always struggled to "forgive" him when he slipped back into it and behaved badly again. Yes, addiction is a disease but he is aware of this disease and still acts in very hurtful ways towards my family. Anyway, he won't fess up to the stuff he does and doesn't apologize. We don't speak much.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Addiction is very hard to deal with, from both the outside and inside. My brother was addicted to sleeping pills 10 years ago. His behavior was very, very odd for a while and honestly we had no idea; I thought he was just becoming more and more of a jerk over time. But, after we found out about the addiction (which came to be known in a very upsetting set of circumstances), I still always struggled to "forgive" him when he slipped back into it and behaved badly again. Yes, addiction is a disease but he is aware of this disease and still acts in very hurtful ways towards my family. Anyway, he won't fess up to the stuff he does and doesn't apologize. We don't speak much.

It is heartbreaking but fortunately there are support groups for you as well. They would help you forgive and accept your brother's disease. Awareness does not always lead to action but you don't have to suffer because of someone else's disease.

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="Tacori E-ring|1310861727|......... I have often asked family members to imagine giving up something they enjoy and consume on a daily basis (ex. chocolate, coffee, soda, etc). If they don't think that would be an issue, I tell them to do it. Give up something they love for two weeks. That gives a non-addict insight on an addict's brain/behavior.

Addicts DO feel shame and guilt. That shame and guilt is what usually drives them right back to their drug of choice. Can you even imagine being a slave to a self-sabotaging substance? No one would choose that kinda life. No one. To me that proves this is not a matter of will power. Like nkarma said, their disease takes over. All the disease wants is to be fed..........[/quote]


very good post, Tacori.

 

[centralsquare]

Thanks, Tacori. I sometimes forget that I, too, may need some support and help.

 

[VRBeauty]

Thanks, Tacori. I sometimes forget that I, too, may need some support and help.

Al-anon would welcome you even though your brother's addiction is to pain pills rather than alcohol.

Sillybear - I have to play the devil's advocate here - can you be absolutely sure that it was this friend rather than one of the other guests who took the money? You set up a very tempting situation: a fair amount of money out in the open, with a lot of people around so it would be almost impossible to point the finger on any individual. Did the guests include any children or teen-agers? Personally I think I'd write this one off as a lesson learned, not a friend lost.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks MZ.

centralsquare, in my experience family members underestimate how influenced their loved one's disease is on their own lives. It really is a family disease. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon would both be excellent support groups for you. Good luck to you.