What do you consider "cheating" when in a romantic relationship?

[jaysonsmom]

Not sure if anyone is following the Justin Timberlake scandal (caught holding hands under table with co-star)? He issued a public apology due to pressure from his wife. I think a lot of people do not think he cheated, but some are calling him a cheater. What would you consider cheating? Heavy flirting? Romantic or sexual texts/email? Physical intimacy? Deep emotional involvement?

 

[kenny]

"What would you consider cheating? Heavy flirting? Romantic or sexual texts/email? Physical intimacy? Deep emotional involvement?"

Yes, any of those.

Since we've discussed it and agreed, my answer applies to only two of the 7 billion on the planet, me and my SO.
Wherever any other people draw the line is 100% their business.

However, anyone who has taken a marriage vows has ... well taken THOSE marriage vows.

Keeping a vow is right, breaking it is wrong.

 

[whitewave]

She had her hand on his thigh!!!

Supposedly (gossip) they have an open marriage and/or Jessica is a lesbian with a long term girlfriend. Idk.

 

[jaysonsmom]

"What would you consider cheating? Heavy flirting? Romantic or sexual texts/email? Physical intimacy? Deep emotional involvement?"

Yes, any of those.

Since we've discussed it and agreed, my answer applies to only two of the 7 billion on the planet, me and my SO.
Wherever any other people draw the line is 100% their business..

I totally agree. Any of the above would be just as hurtful as the next (to me at least) and would probably be reason for divorce for me.

 

[gregchang35]

What ever they have agreed on their marriage is what should be upheld. Given the pressure from his wife to apologise, means that he overstepped the mark.

 

[TooPatient]

I'm not following what happened (this is actually the first I have heard of it), but all of those you listed would be over the line of cheating in my mind. Also, as Kenny said, that is for DH and me and if others have different ideas for themselves, that is their decision.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

holding hands below the table sounds a bit dodgy

 

[missy]

Emotional intimacy with another is just as devastating (IMO) as physical infidelity. There is more than one way to "cheat" on one's SO/Spouse.

I have not heard anything about the Justin Timberlake scandal but yes what you described above (holding hands with someone else) to me constitutes "cheating" on one's partner. WTH. Not OK.

My rule of thumb is if you would not be comfortable doing it in front of your spouse it isn't OK.

 

[lyra]

I consider almost everything capable of being labelled cheating. Holding hands is definitely not right in my books. Who knows what their ideals are, however. If there is no divorce pending, then I guess they are okay with things. To each his own.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I certainly think that was totally inappropriate. Probably good that he was caught just holding hands. He'll have to decide if he wants to keep his marriage intact, and if he does, he'd better not make this mistake again.

 

[Snowdrop13]

Just watched a video of the incident (posted by a U.K. tabloid) and I have to say he looks utterly inebriated sitting in a corner. There’s also another girl he seems to grab the hand of. Difficult to know what’s going on but he appears in a sorry state (not an excuse, in my book, I hasten to add).

 

[missy]

Just watched a video of the incident (posted by a U.K. tabloid) and I have to say he looks utterly inebriated sitting in a corner. There’s also another girl he seems to grab the hand of. Difficult to know what’s going on but he appears in a sorry state (not an excuse, in my book, I hasten to add).

I haven’t watched it but have to agree. Being inebriated is no excuse. In fact, one could say one’s true self comes out when under the influence of alcohol or drugs so makes it all the more upsetting for his wife I would think. The excuse “honey I was drunk” so doesn’t hold water. Pathetic. IMO.

 

[House Cat]

If a person has to hide their behavior with another from their spouse, it’s cheating.

 

[cmd2014]

Emotional intimacy with another is just as devastating (IMO) as physical infidelity. There is more than one way to "cheat" on one's SO/Spouse.

I have not heard anything about the Justin Timberlake scandal but yes what you described above (holding hands with someone else) to me constitutes "cheating" on one's partner. WTH. Not OK.

My rule of thumb is if you would not be comfortable doing it in front of your spouse it isn't OK.

Yup, this. I'm even be uncomfortable with flirting, because it implies that you are open to the possibility of (or testing the waters regarding) something more. But I don't define flirting as talking to someone or laughing with them or enjoying their company - it's when it obviously moves beyond the kind of relationship you'd have with a good friend and into expressions of sexual attraction. Those are a hard no for me in a committed relationship.

 

[msop04]

Anything you couldn't do in front of each other comfortably is wrong.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I have been married a long time. I consider nurturing any relationship that has the potential to displace your spouse as the number one romantic interest in your life as "cheating." We all deserve to be treated as number one by our partner and extend the same consideration to them.

 

[kenny]

Anything you couldn't do in front of each other comfortably is wrong.

You've summed it up perfectly.

 

[partgypsy]

These all all good answers. Something that you wouldn't be comfortable doing in front of your spouse, nuturing a relationship that may displace intimacy with your spouse, and of course emotional affairs. That's for me. Some people practice open marriage, but I wouldn't assume that meeting someone.

 

[partgypsy]

Reading these makes me so relieved I'm no longer with my ex. While he did destroy our relationship and the stable home life we had with our kids, at least he admitted he was a "shitty" husband. He's already remarried(not to his primary affair partner, someone else). I have no clue what the terms of their marriage is but I would not be surprised if it is alternative given that he has said things to me like "she went through a slut period" and "she likes the smell of new dick" among other gems. I am steady with a guy, who knows what will happen with it, but we are both on same page re being monogamous in a relationship.

 

[nala]

Not sure if anyone is following the Justin Timberlake scandal (caught holding hands under table with co-star)? He issued a public apology due to pressure from his wife. I think a lot of people do not think he cheated, but some are calling him a cheater. What would you consider cheating? Heavy flirting? Romantic or sexual texts/email? Physical intimacy? Deep emotional involvement?

I think his public apology was an admission of his guilt. I forget how he put it, but he sounded like he knew he was guilty of something. Why his wife wanted the whole world to know he felt this way is beyond me. Wouldn’t it have been enough for him to admit it to her and let the public forget about it or assume it was innocent touching? Lol. Now we all know that he is probably deeply attracted to her to the point that he offends his wife and family Bc he can’t control his behavior around his costar.

 

[Tekate]

having a relationship with someone else, could be emotional or physical, then out the door with him, been there done that and it's over I could not ever trust again.

 

[JPie]

I wouldn't be shocked if this was a publicity stunt for his new movie. There were rumors about him and Mila Kunis several years ago when they were in a movie together.

 

[Iwanttosparkle]

My rule of thumb is if you would not be comfortable doing it in front of your spouse it isn't OK.

Exactly!

Holding hands is straight up cheating to me. And if that's what my husband was doing on a public balcony then I would be forced to wonder what he was doing behind closed doors.

 

[MamaBee]

All of the above is definitely cheating to me.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

My partner and I are both comfortably poly so the rules are different for us haha. Basically lying = cheating.
I get a lot of questions about it, but it works for us, and I often really like meeting my metamours! He has good taste so I usually like them I think there's this idea that open marriages and poly "benefit" the male partner more, but honestly I do a lot more dating and usually am maintaining more relationships than he is.

 

[Phoenix]

My partner and I are both comfortably poly so the rules are different for us haha. Basically lying = cheating.
I get a lot of questions about it, but it works for us, and I often really like meeting my metamours! He has good taste so I usually like them I think there's this idea that open marriages and poly "benefit" the male partner more, but honestly I do a lot more dating and usually am maintaining more relationships than he is.

I agree that lying= cheating. It breaches the trust and once the trust is gone, that's it!

I am curious how you make your relationship work. I looked up the word "polyamourous" and apparently either one or both of you are allowed to and can fall in love with someone else while staying in love with each other. How do you make each other feel special if you are in love with more than one person at a time? How do you make them feel that they're the only one that matters to you, that holds a special place in your heart and your life? I'm asking out of pure curiosity.

I also agree that it is better to be in a poly or open r/s (I know they're not the same), than to be in a supposedly monogamous relationship only to end up cheating on the other person.

 

[elle_71125]

I watched the video of Justin holding hands with his costar and I would absolutely consider that cheating. If my husband ever allows another woman to put her hand on his thigh, I’m gonna go batsh*t on him. I don’t care if he’s drunk or not. Drinking is never an excuse for poor behavior. I’m a big believer that you don’t put yourself into a situation that could lead to you cheating.

Pretty much everything mentioned above would be considered cheating to me. If you would be uncomfortable with your significant other doing something (like holding hands), you probably shouldn’t do it either. I would never want my DH to doubt my love and faithfulness so I act accordingly.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I agree that lying= cheating. It breaches the trust and once the trust is gone, that's it!

I am curious how you make your relationship work. I looked up the word "polyamourous" and apparently either one or both of you are allowed to and can fall in love with someone else while staying in love with each other. How do you make each other feel special if you are in love with more than one person at a time? How do you make them feel that they're the only one that matters to you, that holds a special place in your heart and your life? I'm asking out of pure curiosity.

I also agree that it is better to be in a poly or open r/s (I know they're not the same), than to be in a supposedly monogamous relationship only to end up cheating on the other person.

It’s not that different than how you’d treat having more than one child. You spend quality time with each other, listen, celebrate them, do things for them that are thoughtful and meaningful. You don’t tell each one that they’re better or more special than the others, people who need to have a “soulmate” or be their partners one and only probably aren’t compatible for poly. And I don’t think poly works for most people, it just makes sense and works for us. And ironically people think being poly is about having sex with a lot of people, but he and I are not very interested in casual hookups. It’s more about freedom to pursue loving and intimate relationships that enrich our lives.

It doesn’t bother me when he dates other people or pursues other connections. Honestly in many ways it makes him a better partner to me! He’s more aware of the things he does that I find annoying cause he gets the same feedback from other women And every time he goes on a bad first date he’s grateful all over again for how compatible we are. There’s no “grass is greener” temptations because we have free roam and know the grass is best where effort is put to care for it.

We are of course human and will have occasional pangs of feeling irritable about sharing, again not unlike siblings squabbling about parents playing favorites but it just means we put more effort into our communicating and consistent attentions to each other. It’s a looot of work.

 

[Matata]

@MakingTheGrade kudos to you for having the energy, stamina, compassion, and maturity for polyamory. I've always found it exhausting and challenging to nurture and maintain a single marriage given that I become less a fan of compromise as I age. Heck, at this point, I find nurturing and maintaining plain old friendships an inconvenience.

 

[LLJsmom]

Not sure if anyone is following the Justin Timberlake scandal (caught holding hands under table with co-star)? He issued a public apology due to pressure from his wife. I think a lot of people do not think he cheated, but some are calling him a cheater. What would you consider cheating? Heavy flirting? Romantic or sexual texts/email? Physical intimacy? Deep emotional involvement?

All of the above.