What do you consider "cheating" when in a romantic relationship?

[MakingTheGrade]

@MakingTheGrade kudos to you for having the energy, stamina, compassion, and maturity for polyamory. I've always found it exhausting and challenging to nurture and maintain a single marriage given that I become less a fan of compromise as I age. Heck, at this point, I find nurturing and maintaining plain old friendships an inconvenience.

Haha I’ve definitely cut back on having a lot of superficial “friends” and now mostly spend time with the 5-6 people I’m really close to.
Truthfully though we are both people who love to love so poly made sense for us. We don’t have kids though and we may well decide not to pursue other external relationships if we have kids just because time and energy will be a much more limited resource then. Although part of me secretly dreams of having a third partner who we both adore who can be a stay at home partner since he and I are both very career driven. Economically speaking, 2 robust incomes to support 3 adults and a child or two seems so much more doable and less stressful/fragile than one income supporting 2 adults and one child.

 

[Phoenix]

@MakingTheGrade kudos to you for having the energy, stamina, compassion, and maturity for polyamory. I've always found it exhausting and challenging to nurture and maintain a single marriage given that I become less a fan of compromise as I age. Heck, at this point, I find nurturing and maintaining plain old friendships an inconvenience.

Agreed! lol

 

[Phoenix]

It’s not that different than how you’d treat having more than one child. You spend quality time with each other, listen, celebrate them, do things for them that are thoughtful and meaningful. You don’t tell each one that they’re better or more special than the others, people who need to have a “soulmate” or be their partners one and only probably aren’t compatible for poly. And I don’t think poly works for most people, it just makes sense and works for us. And ironically people think being poly is about having sex with a lot of people, but he and I are not very interested in casual hookups. It’s more about freedom to pursue loving and intimate relationships that enrich our lives.

It doesn’t bother me when he dates other people or pursues other connections. Honestly in many ways it makes him a better partner to me! He’s more aware of the things he does that I find annoying cause he gets the same feedback from other women And every time he goes on a bad first date he’s grateful all over again for how compatible we are. There’s no “grass is greener” temptations because we have free roam and know the grass is best where effort is put to care for it.

We are of course human and will have occasional pangs of feeling irritable about sharing, again not unlike siblings squabbling about parents playing favorites but it just means we put more effort into our communicating and consistent attentions to each other. It’s a looot of work.

Kudos to you indeed. I'm sure it takes a lot of maturity and confidence - both in yourself and in your partner - to be in a poly relationship. I am one of those people that need to be the other person's one and only, though I've always maintained that if he ever wanted to have a casual encounter and/ or romantic relationship with someone else, I'd rather he be upfront to me about it and not go behind my back. I do see the appeal of a poly r/s because although I am and want to be in an exclusive relationship, it does get a bit "stale" over time once familiarity sets in. Newness is always exciting. But at the same time, with someone whom you've known for a long time, there is the intimacy that you've shared together and that's grown through life's ups and downs; and that is what's most important to *me*.

You mentioned in another post about adding a 3rd person into your relationship. How would that work? Is one or both of you bi?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Kudos to you indeed. I'm sure it takes a lot of maturity and confidence - both in yourself and in your partner - to be in a poly relationship. I am one of those people that need to be the other person's one and only, though I've always maintained that if he ever wanted to have a casual encounter and/ or romantic relationship with someone else, I'd rather he be upfront to me about it and not go behind my back. I do see the appeal of a poly r/s because although I am and want to be in an exclusive relationship, it does get a bit "stale" over time once familiarity sets in. Newness is always exciting. But at the same time, with someone whom you've known for a long time, there is the intimacy that you've shared together and that's grown through life's ups and downs; and that is what's most important to *me*.

You mentioned in another post about adding a 3rd person into your relationship. How would that work? Is one or both of you bi?

We both are to varying degrees but honestly I have had many intimate and loving relationships where the sex part isn’t a significant part of the partnership. I think in my head our third partner would be a woman just because living with 2 guys would make me feel outnumbered haha.

I think we are just greedy and want the intimacy AND the newness just kidding. Although I will say that as I date and age, I realize with every new relationship how I’ve changed and grown and have a reminder to reflect on who I am becoming and if that’s who I want to be. There’s this phase at the beginning of relationships where you’re putting yourself out there for you partner to know, where you’re selecting what stories and perspectives to share and building for them the person you perceive yourself to be. And I find that such a strangely grounding and reflective process.

 

[Phoenix]

We both are to varying degrees but honestly I have had many intimate and loving relationships where the sex part isn’t a significant part of the partnership. I think in my head our third partner would be a woman just because living with 2 guys would make me feel outnumbered haha.

I think we are just greedy and want the intimacy AND the newness just kidding. Although I will say that as I date and age, I realize with every new relationship how I’ve changed and grown and have a reminder to reflect on who I am becoming and if that’s who I want to be. There’s this phase at the beginning of relationships where you’re putting yourself out there for you partner to know, where you’re selecting what stories and perspectives to share and building for them the person you perceive yourself to be. And I find that such a strangely grounding and reflective process.

I love your post! So candid and unreservedly refreshing! I think if I were in a poly r/s, I'd want to be with 2 men because I am even more greedy and would want to be the only female around - so no competition in that regard, haha.

Thank you for posting and for sharing. I can certainly "see" the maturity and openness in your personality. Your partner is very lucky to have you.