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What do I do?

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MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
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935
Ok so, me and my boyfriend are invited to a wedding from one of his friends from high school.
The other night he asked him to be the best man, well we hung out with them a couple times and his future wife kinda said some things that rubbed me the wrong way a month ago. I still can''t understand why she has an attitude with me. I realised yesterday that he''s going to be the best man (which he really doesn''t want to) and I''m was never asked to be in the wedding party. This kinda stinks for me, been there , done that.... I don''t know anyone and while there are off taking pictures, and getting ready where does that leave me??... I was explaining this to my boyfriend and he said he totally understood as it happened to him with a ex-g/f. He said I''ll tell him I just can''t be his best man anymore. I told him not to do that because he''d hurt his feelings. I am not really looking forward to it, what should I do? I want to do the right thing. The wedding isn''t for another 8 months and he was just asked him. P.s. we will be seeing a lot of them because they are moving right down the street eek!
 

Liquiddazi

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 25, 2006
Messages
159
I don''t know what you should do about him being in the wedding party or not, but my boyfriend came with the whole wedding party while we took pictures. It was at my best friends weddding and he really didn''t know anyone, so I told him just to come with us. He sat in the church pews while we were taking photos and one of the groomsmen''s girlfriends did the same thing. However at the reception, my best friend had it set up to where the dates of the wedding party was able to sit with us to decrease any chance of awkwardness. But I don''t know if this would be possible for this couple''s wedding.
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
Liq, I didn''t know you could to that, I guess it all depends on how many seats are left to drive to where ever the pictures might be taken.
 

iheartcushions

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2007
Messages
20
I think you should suffer it out for a few hours. You don't want to start anything with a friend of your bf's, especially when they're going to be your neighbors soon.

So ackward for a few hours? Or forever after that? That seems to be what you're choosing between here.
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
Yeah especially since they will be 3 houses down, gosh I feel choked!!! that they are moving this close, boyfriend can''t understand why I feel this way though.

My mom and sis said right away, o, and how do you feel about that??
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
i agree you should stick it out..it''s not fair to be selfish at this time. this guy probably feels great about asking your bf to be his best man, and it''s kind of mean to shoot him down for reasons that aren''t really that critical. it won''t be so bad and since you''re marrying soon, you''ll understand better than most all the stresses that go along w/wedding and planning--it''s nice when the wedding party is a stress free piece of it all!
 

Bunnifer

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 26, 2006
Messages
227
I''ve been in your position twice. The first was for a childhood friend of his (whom I''v never met) and the second was for close mutual friends. Both times I just took my good old time getting ready and/or exploring the city (if it was a new place). Mostly, though, I took my good old time getting ready b/c I''m "high maintenance." LOL.

I wouldn''t be offended by this, especially since you said that the friend''s fiancee has some beef with you. Just enjoy the luxury of free lounging time while your BF has a smile pasted on his face for 2 hours straight and meet him at he wedding, fresh as a daisy.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
I''m trying to seperate out issues here and this is what I''ve come up with:

1. You don''t get along with the girl
2. Your going to have to find a way to amuse yourself during photos
3. You aren''t excited that they''re moving so close to you

My thoughts regarding #2 and #3:


2. I was the MOH in a friends'' wedding and had a boyfriend at the time who wasn''t close to my friends, so he was invited but not including in picture taking, etc. I gave him two options, he could go to the wedding and be gracious even when I wasn''t available to spend time with him or he could opt out. Either one was perfectly fine with me as I could understand his feeling awkward (he knew absolutely no one at the wedding aside from me) but it was important to me that I support my friend.

If he doesn''t want to be in the wedding because he doesn''t support their union that''s one thing, but if your BF is backing out simply to appease you, well if i were the groom he would no longer be my friend.

3. We have neighbors who have been friends with my husband for 10+ years, the wife has dropped by a sum total of 4 times since we moved in last August, 2 of those occasions had to do with signing paperwork (she''s also our real estate agent). We''ve popped in on them twice. Proximity doesn''t have to mean intrusion.

You could start dropping subtle hints now about not liking drop in visitors if you''re concerned about that. And if they do drop by a lot you can politely explain you''re busy and would love to get together another time, if they could just call first. That will limit the time you spent with them and after a while i''m sure they''ll catch on to you not being too fond of them coming over a lot.
 

ephemery1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 20, 2006
Messages
1,724
I think this has probably happened to everyone at some time or another... since it''s pretty unusual for a couple to BOTH be part of the bridal party! I was maid of honor for the wedding of a high school friend where my then-boyfriend knew nobody... and my fiance has been in several weddings for college friends I didn''t know very well. It is just a part of life, I think... it can be awkward, but it''s just a few hours. Make sure your boyfriend introduces you to people at the rehearsal dinner and then you''ll know people to sit with at the ceremony. Plus, there are probably other groomsmen who have wives or girlfriends that aren''t in the bridal party, so they will be in the same boat as you... you''ll have something to bond about!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I would just be the bigger person, and send him of with a smile...if you can hang while they take pictures, fine, if not, you will be fine...Now, the few hours for the wedding are ONE thingm but in view of the long term, I would definitely want to work out the crap with HER, especially if her hubby is a good friend of your guys, and they will be living so close...I am generally NOT a confrontational person AT ALL, but I might take her out to coffee and nicely say, It seems we might have gotten off to a bad start. Since X and Y are so close and we will be neighbors, I think it is worth talking about it. I would not put her on the defensive even if she is the root of the issue, you will know if things are progressing well and if not, at least you know YOU tried to remedy things. Then, you call tell your guy, with a true sense of having tried, that he can hang with his buddy, but if his wife to be is gonna have a ''tude, count you out. I am sure you have better things to do than hang with someone who is not being pleasant on a continued basis...
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
the thing is I have never done anything to her. I have always been pleasant and the one to start up conversations.
I was talking to one of my other boyfriend''s friends- future wife (J) and I brought them up in conversation because J told her FI that in conversation she (the one I have the problem with) said that couldn''t wait to have kids, so she didn''t have to work. J said this to her FI and didn''t think he''s tell me boyfriend. I told j to not worry that she said anything, it''s not going to get back to her and she said right off the bat I don''t like her! She''s seems really fake and I told J that I was glad that she said something and I wasn''t the only one. I told her how rude she is and she said that she noticed it too. I was really glad that I had someone to talk to. I don''t know though, I don''t think she''s the type of person I could talk to. Last NEW YEARS I COOKED A BUNCH OF HOMEMADE FOOD AND SHE COMES OVER WITH HER LAPTOP AND PLOPS DOWN WITH A WAWA SUB IN HAND! that kinda upset me, but I let it slide.
 

Madam Bijoux

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 15, 2005
Messages
5,110
I would go to the wedding and have a good time. There will be plenty of guests to chat with - just be your usual, friendly self.
 

littlelysser

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 8, 2005
Messages
1,862
Okay...No offense meant...but would you expect to be in the wedding party or even want to be? The wedding party is supposed to be made of the folks that mean the most to the bride and groom - and you don''t even like the bride...and if you were in the wedding party, you''d have to buy a dress, shoes, the whole thing...so I totally don''t get why you feel like you should be part of the wedding party.

One of my best friends got married in Chicago several years ago. I was one of her Bridesmaids. My FI (BF at the time) came to the wedding with me - which was an out of town wedding. Although he and my friend got along fine, he was not asked to be in the wedding party and didn''t expect to be.

We took a limo to go take pictures after the ceremony - FI didn''t come because there was no room for anyone but the wedding party - so FI hung out with some other people that had significant others in the wedding party and just hung out. He never even intimated that I shouldn''t be in one of my best friend''s weddings because he would be bored while we took pictures.

The "right thing" in this case is clear. Support your BF being in the wedding and bring a book or something to read for the small amount of time he''ll be off taking pictures.
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
5,471
Be a little audacious. Meet some new people. Have a good time! I know how awkward it can feel to be at a party on your own, but I bet if you just decide, the morning of "I am going to ENJOY MYSELF, darn it!''" and then go out and find fun people at the wedding, that you''ll end up having a great experience. The worst case scenario is you feel awkward for a few hours. But that''s nothing compared to the joy that your FI is bringing to his friend by being in his wedding party, right?

Besides, wouldn''t it be even MORE awkward to be IN the wedding party if you didn''t really....er...belong there? I had a not-so-close friend ask me to be her BM once adn that was one of the weirdest days of my life. Talk about AWKWARD.
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
I don''t really want to be in their wedding, not now at least. I thought maybe that I was just paranoid and that she was cool with me, but I think she excluding me from it that my guess of her not liking me for no apparent reason is true. My boyfriend has no intention of making him the best man when we get married and he asked me if that is wrong. I told him no, you''re not obilgated. We have four weddings to go to this year, the gifts are going to be at least $150 a pop and it''s going to kill us, plus he now has to do a bachelor party and rent a tux. He''s wondering if he should just tell him we want to go but he''s sorry there''s too much going on right now. My niece''s wedding is 6 days after theirs!! ekk.
 

Bunnifer

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 26, 2006
Messages
227
I don''t know about how others feel, but I think being asked to be a best man/maid of honor is a HUGE (and honorable!) request. I mean, getting married is one of the biggest milestones in a person''s life. Being asked to be a best man means that your BF''s friend thought enough of him to ask him to be an integral part of his wedding celebration. IMO, I don''t think he should back out on this one unless it''s for a REALLY GOOD reason, e.g., a death in the family. If you guys *must* bow out on an obligation, I''d say bow out on your niece''s wedding. At least for that one neither one of you (I assume) are part of the wedding party.
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,758
I met my DH when I was in my early 20''s and he was 31. I also moved to a different city where I knew no one except him, whereas he was from here...so I''ve been through this sort of thing quite a few times (him being part of the wedding party, me as just a guest--but of course contributing to showers, bachelorette parties, etc.) It''s just one of those things that came along with the territory. I have been lucky enough to get to know a lot of his friends'' wives/fiancees/girlfriends, and have known most of the guests at the weddings I''ve attended when he''s been a groomsmen/best man and I''m sort of by myself for a bit, so it hasn''t been a big deal. Now if I hadn''t known any other guest at these weddings, I''m sure I would''ve felt differently, lol.

You catch more flies with honey....your man will love you so much more if you can find it within yourself to be the giver in this situation and approach it all with an open mind. Marriage is all about compromise, and this is one of those experiences that will bond you even closer if you go into it with a positive attitude and get through it together.

You also seem to be at that point in life when all the weddings happen! We had 4-5 one spring/summer season a couple years ago...OMG the money we had to fork over! But it was so much more important to us to cut back on a few fun things for ourselves here and there so we could be a part of our friends'' weddings--after all, they had done the same for us!

Chin up, you''ll get through this!
 
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