What did I do? (rant!)

[crossmyfingers]

Sometimes I feel like I must be doing something wrong for him not to have already proposed by now. Do the rest of you ever feel like that? It makes me feel absolutely defeated. It''s like I try my best at all this, and I know I make him happy, but I''m still just his girlfriend and he''s still not quite ready to change that.

Nothing even happened to make me feel that way. Sometimes I feel like we have been together for SO LONG and we are both sure we want to marry each other, and it just seems stupid that we aren''t already engaged and planning out when to get married. I don''t want to get married tomorrow - I want to have a few months once we''re engaged to let the idea of marriage really set in - but I am ready to start thinking like that now. I''ve been ready for several months.

He basically said a few weeks ago that he would propose soon after his December graduation. (He wasn''t super clear though, so he might have meant instead that he would start *thinking* of proposing after graduation. He wants it to be a surprise, which I respect.) I had told myself before that that I would chill out toward him about getting engaged (and I have!

), then if it hadn''t happened by the end of this calendar year, I would have a serious "you need to come up with a plan, I''m not going to wait forever" talk with him. But then he said that, and now I don''t know how long to wait before I have that sort of talk with him. Give it an extra couple of months after his graduation? Give it a month and say, "So about that..."? Bite my tongue even longer than that? (I might spontaneously combust if I try that last one though...

)

It really overwhelms me sometimes that we aren''t already engaged. Like tonight, when I drove home from his place, all I could think was how weird it is that we don''t live together. Why am I leaving his home to come to mine - why aren''t they the same place? He doesn''t want to officially live together till we are married, so that''s how it will be for now.

So... yeah. I am just rambling here I suppose. Anyone want to tell me they can relate? I love this board... you always remind me that I''m not the only one feeling the way I feel.

 

[cindygenit]

All I can say is be patient. You never know what guys are thinking. He might be secretly planning a proposal soon.

If he''s been delaying it, then maybe there are reasons beyond his control that''s stopping him e.g. financial reasons.

I completely understand how you feel. SO frustrating, when I was going through the same thing, it was all I could think about and I upset myself over nothing. At the end of the day, your BF loves you and you should put your faith in him. I''m sure he will come through in the end and give you the proposal you deserve.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Thanks, Cindy. I know he loves me and he''ll propose... But wow is being patient tough!

Financially speaking, he could go buy any of the rings I want tomorrow, so that''s comforting to know. But I know he wants to have his degree out of the way. Hopefully as soon as that''s done he''ll start thinking about it as much as I do!

Thanks for the reply though. I have faith in him, just not in *when* he will propose. Sigh... patience patience patience!

 

[misskitty]

I''ve been there before! I think one of the hardest things about being in this LIW phase is that it''s so easy to feel like it''s somehow your fault that things haven''t progressed yet. Even with tons of evidence to the contrary (in your case, your SO''s goal of graduating first), we all have those days. My guess is that it''s mostly because this is one situation we don''t have much (if any) control over, and sometimes it''s just hard to wait for things to happen, especially if we''re used to being problem-solvers and getting things done!

The good news: there''s totally a light at the end of the tunnel! After he graduates in December, it''ll only be a matter of time

That''s a pretty fabulous thing to know.

 

[JustLikeYou]

Not knowing the rest of the situation, but just going off the "he wants to finish his degree first" response, I will have to take up his side of the argument on that.

I''ll be done in May, and my BF has been bringing the subject of kids/marriage up, and honestly, school is so much, that even though I''m HAPPY, I''m also really frustrated at the same time, because that''s the last distraction I need on my head.

If this is his last term, and right about now is midterms, that I can totally relate to him saying something like that. I told my boyfriend to wait to bring up anything, even an engagement, until I was graduated. It''s because there''s so much to think of and study for and so much to hold together before finals, that engagement/marriage is a BIG distraction, even though it may not seem like it to you.

Even now that he''s started bringing it up, while I said before I''m happy, I do have a tiny, tiny, TINY bit of anger/frustration toward him, because I knew this would happen. I knew I would get distracted and think about rings and locations and dresses and browsing forums like these... and I *know* my school work comes first, but I have already pulled two all-nighters because of my slacking and thinking about the "what if he asked and we chose this place" instead.

Now if he keeps slacking after, then that''s something to be curious about. But just be patient for now... coming from one woman to another!

 

[cindygenit]

Also to reply to your thread title- You did nothing! Life gets in the way sometimes. In this instance, your bf''s degree.

 

[TooPatient]

Been there. Felt like that.

There right now. Angry. Hurt. Sad. At him and me.


Wish I could offer a more positive response, but I''m having a bad LIW day. Going to go to bed (some days I wish I had my own house to go home to) and try to NOT blow up at him.

You''re not alone. It''ll pass. It always does.

 

[MrsHToBe]

Ooh, trust me, you''re not alone.. definitely not alone! After almost 9 years, and a 5-year-old child, together, there are definitely days when I think to myself, "WTF? How are we not engaged?".. as a matter of fact, some days I think that there really is no point in getting engaged/married anymore, since we''re common-law, already, and no one would even blink an eye if he were to propose. THEN I think about how wonderful we are together, and how much we both want to pledge our love in front of family, and friends, and the wait doesn''t seem so bad. After all, I''ve waited this long, so what''s another month, or 2?! LOL!

Some days are better than other, though, for sure.

 

[princessplease]

You did nothing wrong....life (your BF''s schooling) is just in the way at this time. I know it''s hard to be patient, but it WILL happen! Much DUST!!!!!!!!!

 

[lilyfoot]

This thread is making me sad

You ladies haven''t done anything wrong! As we always talk about on here, guys are just a bit slower moving than us. You know he loves you, you know he wants to buy you a pretty sparkly, you know he wants to spend the rest of his life with you .. try your best to enjoy this pre-proposal time in your life. You will never be a "girlfriend" again, you will never experience this anxiousness of waiting to be proposed to ..

Just try to remind yourself each day of how lucky you are to have a great man that you want to marry!

crossmyfingers, if your BF said he was going to proposed after his graduation in December, I''d give him 1 - 1.5 months. If nothing has happened by then, I''d start asking him what''s up.

Good luck ladies

 

[110203]

I know it''s hard not to feel the way you do, but heres a story to show you that sometimes the best things happen when they aren''t expected.

One year ago in September, my bf and I went engagement ring shopping, fell in love with something and actually put it on layaway. I was so eager to get it, that it basically consumed our relationship, it was all I thought about.

2 months later he got a great job offer in NY (we are from MI), where he was located and we did the LDR for over a year. It was horrible, we were always tense, didn''t know how to deal with not being around each other, we would get uneasy, restless and basically miserable with EVERYTHING. To put it in simple terms - our relationship sucked... it really suffered. Who ever said "distance makes the heart grow fonder" was full of sh!t. lol

The ring was canceled, I went back to graduate school (now I''m almost done). He worked hard, but the company had layoffs, him being the newest was let go.

He realized that he could never be away from me, so be move back home. I am one semester away from getting my masters and the relationship is great. I haven''t even mentioned to him anything about a ring. I know it''ll happen. I don''t want to know when or have it consume me.

It is what it is. I can''t imagine what would have happened if we rushed to get engaged, through the hard times, I don''t think we could have made it work with all the pressures.

Good luck to you.. Sometimes the best things come to those who wait.

if it''s meant to be it''ll happen.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Ah, I remember that feeling. In my case, I moved to his city so I often had moments where I was all ''I bet if I had put my foot down and said no ring = no move, we would have gotten engaged more quickly''. But you know, it''s futile to wonder. Plus, that may not even really be true! My DF may have wanted to live together for ''x'' period of time regardless of when I had moved.

And it''s not like, tactical warfare where you should implement complex strategies (though sometimes I tended to see it that way)!

Just be you, foster a happy and healthy relationship, and eventually the LIW torture comes to an end.

 

[dragonfly411]

You didn''t do anything wrong, sometimes things happen that get in the way. We just had to replace my tires, which kept me from getting the camera I wanted hehe. SO (though we are tiffing right now) has to replace HIS tires (they are BALD) before he can make THAT purchase (although THAT purchase is pendant on our tiffing.).

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 10/20/2009 11:10:10 PM
Author:crossmyfingers
It really overwhelms me sometimes that we aren''t already engaged. Like tonight, when I drove home from his place, all I could think was how weird it is that we don''t live together. Why am I leaving his home to come to mine - why aren''t they the same place? He doesn''t want to officially live together till we are married, so that''s how it will be for now.

So... yeah. I am just rambling here I suppose. Anyone want to tell me they can relate? I love this board... you always remind me that I''m not the only one feeling the way I feel.

I can totally respect that if he''s not having sex with you...because if his "morals" can get past premarital S-E-X, then they should also be able to get past the (oh horrors) "sin" of living together.

Make him sleep over at YOUR house, why should YOU be the one commuting in the middle of the night? Don''t say it''s more convenient, or nicer. Obviously it''s NOT convenient for you, is it? I''d put my pretty little foot down and all sex would be happening at MY home and he can do the driving back and forth and living out of a suitcase

 

[dragonfly411]

purrfect - I totally tried telling that to my friend who won''t live with her SO till married.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Ah! So many replies!

Thanks so much you guys, for all the reminders that I didn''t do anything wrong. I know I didn''t, but wow it really feels like I must have sometimes. Good to hear that a lot of you feel like that on bad days, too. I don''t feel like that all the time, but on occasion I realize I''m beating myself up over it when it''s not my fault, and it''s really just his schooling that is holding us back right now.

I really appreciate all of you saying to be patient and pointing out that his graduation really isn''t that far off. I know, I know... I try to keep telling myself that too. Hopefully I did understand him right and he will make his move right after he graduates.

Oh and Purrfect: He doesn''t want to live together before we''re married really because of his family being against that. His parents don''t tell him what to do, he''s grown, but it''s just more out of respect for them, and I understand that. We live in the south and there are still sooo many families here that think "living in sin" is just terrible. It''s definitely not his own morals though.

And we spend time at both our places, it''s not always me over there or anything like that. I have my own house and "living out of a suitcase" isn''t an issue since he actually has a separate bathroom to himself whenever he does stay here. If I stay there, I drive home (not even ten minutes of a drive) and get ready so I''m not lugging around a hairdryer, my makeup, all that stuff.

 

[purrfectpear]

The same parents that would be horrified if he lived with you, would be equally horrified to think he was having sexual relations with you. So basically he''s saying he doesn''t mind lying to his parents if it gets him something he wants

I''m just suggesting he should stop lying to them if it gets YOU something you want (and deserve). Down South or the South Pole, it''s still about him. If it bugs him so much to live together before marriage it sounds like he ought to get on the proposal ball

 

[crossmyfingers]

Date: 10/21/2009 7:44:34 PM
Author: purrfectpear
The same parents that would be horrified if he lived with you, would be equally horrified to think he was having sexual relations with you. So basically he''s saying he doesn''t mind lying to his parents if it gets him something he wants

I''m just suggesting he should stop lying to them if it gets YOU something you want (and deserve). Down South or the South Pole, it''s still about him. If it bugs him so much to live together before marriage it sounds like he ought to get on the proposal ball

You know what is saddest about the whole parents situation though? His parents know. We don''t discuss sex with them, but things have come up jokingly about us sleeping over or about sexual things, and they definitely know. But his mother can pretend to not know, since we don''t live together. And doesn''t that seem better to her church friends, acting like we are good "kids" and waiting till marriage! Ahhh, the south. Oh, and I have brought all that up to him before, about how it seems silly to wait for marriage to live together just because of appearances. I know several members of my own family would be quick to raise their eyebrows at it, too.

But yes, you are certainly right, he needs to just propose already.