What Determines "Readiness"?

[GettingDesperate905]

Happy Sunday Ladies!!!!!
I have been reading the posts from the past little while, and have come across a common thread (haha no pun intended): What makes one "ready" to marry.
I have noticed a lot of talk about age, and also on MK''s post, there have been a lot of comments about not pushing a man into proposing if he isnt ready. So I was just wondering:
1) what made you think you were ready?
2) did you have to wait for your partner, or was he a dude in waiting?
3) what age were you when you got engaged?
4) did your reaction to the engagement make you think that maybe it was a bit premature? (ie: not as excited as you thought you would be, overwhelmed, questioning?)


Just thought it''d be neat to gather all that info in one thread

So let me begin:
1) I knew I was ready because we were already living a married life and I couldn''t imagine it any other way. We lived together, did everything together, were happy... but not all the time. We were past the honeymoon phase, to the point that we could fight, we could have it out, and work it out, knowing that our relationship was SOOOOOO worth the work
2) He completely surprised me by letting it slip that he was getting a ring. I hadn''t let myself think about it because I didn''t want to get my hopes up just to wait a few years, if that be the case. When we talked about it after finding out he was getting the ring, it all just fell into place. We were both completely ready, and couldn''t wait for it to be officia

3) I was/am 21, he was/is 22. I realize this is young, and am really kind of wishing the world could get past that fact. Having trouble when I go into dress shops/vendor shops, as they dont take me seriously. Seems to the world that being engaged at 21 makes me less engaged than someone at 24? really pressing my buttons

4) I reacted EXACTLY how I expected too, as did everyone in our family/friends/peers/work. THRILLED BEYOND BELIEF! lol and still kinda riding the high a couple months later

 

[Callisto]

Hmm I''ll bite...

1. For me being ready was when my thought process switched from "I could marry him..." to "He IS the guy for me... period" when I found myself thinking that without any conditions or indecisiveness I knew I had found my match. I also found that it was important that I still thought this in the midst of arguments. Even in our worst fights I didn''t ever think it could be the end of our relationship, it was just us working through some things. I agree its very important to know you are past the honeymoon phase.
2. We aren''t engaged quite yet so these other answers are a bit hypothetical. I''m probably waiting for him a bit, but I''m ok with that as we are both still pretty young. He was the first one to bring up the big M word (... marriage for those of you who are in lounge mode this sunday) but I think I''m more anxious to actually get engaged.
3. We are planning to be engaged around the end of this year so I will most likely be 23 when it happens (as will he). We''ve been together almost 4 years and living together for 9 months so although we are young it is definitely not a rash decision. We also plan on having at least a year long engagement so we''re not rushing into the wedding either.
4. I can pretty confidently say that I will not be unsure or overwhelmed when I get engaged. We have been talking about getting married for 3 years now so we are both very comfortable and excited with the idea of spending our lives together. Had we been at a later point in our lives when we met (i.e done with school) we probably would have been engaged years ago.

Sorry your annoyed with others reactions (vendors and such) to your engagement. You could always say you are older than you are. I know its lying and totally unnecessary but if it gets them off your case and makes them respect you it would be an easy fix. It''s not like you''re creating long term relationships with these people. I''m a huge fan on honesty and standing up for yourself, but for something like this its almost not worth the added stress it puts on you. Good luck with everything!

 

[RaiKai]

1) what made you think you were ready?

It was a combination of factors that just led to the sense I was ready for marriage, and in particular marriage with my now-husband. This included a lot of relationship experiences, life experiences, time spent getting really involved with discovering who I was (through counseling, etc) and to develop a strong sense, understanding and acceptance of self and personal responsibility for emotional health, etc. Of course, it was also being with a partner who had also gone through those experiences and done a lot of work on themselves to develop a strong sense, understanding and acceptance of self and personal responsibility for emotional health, etc.

Our relationship was ready as we together have a strong relationship - healthy, continuous, open and honest communication, respect, commitment, self-awareness, encouragement of each others personal growth, belief in ourselves as a family unit, passion, shared and compatible values and goals for our lives together, a healthy and compatible sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual connection/relationship, and all the rest I have discussed in other similar threads. We had also been through some difficult experiences and seen we really were there for one another and truly accepted one another. It is difficult to describe, but, for us both, we knew that we had something very special together, and we very much wanted to spend our lives together continuing to learn and grow, felt very blessed, and wanted to be married.

2) did you have to wait for your partner, or was he a dude in waiting?

No, we both knew we were ready to get married around the same time. No waiting for either of us. He "officially" asked me first, but I had been intending to ask him quite soon as well! I never considered myself to be in waiting to be honest, and only started browsing this forum after I was married. In past relationships, I may have seen myself as "in waiting" but that was as in those relationships we were just not on the same page, and our relationship was definitely not ready (and neither were we, really).

3) what age were you when you got engaged?

I was 30, my husband was 35. We had been together for a year, living together for a few months of that. We were married ten weeks following our engagement.

4) did your reaction to the engagement make you think that maybe it was a bit premature? (ie: not as excited as you thought you would be, overwhelmed, questioning?)

No. While we both are romantic with each other, neither of us are "romantics" so while we were very excited and wanted to be married, we did not look at the Hollywood-ideal that engagement or marriage was an end-goal or an "accomplishment", if that makes sense, we were still the same people, and had the same relationship, before engagement as well as after (as we do with marriage!). While we both had "fears" about marriage in general (not with one another) we always have discussed these openly and honestly with one another with compassion and understanding and we were certainly ready to be married to one another.

 

[Cherrie]

Hey me and my OH moved in together last year.
1) I left London (Uk) to move to Portsmouth (the Naval City where he was based at the time) The first few months were difficult with me know no one and feeling like I had given up a lot but we soon worked stuff out and became a little team. I didnt think much about proposals until we went to Disney at Xmas and when he didnt propose I found myself disappointed. We had been together around 18 months by this point and lived together for 6. It doesnt sound that long but any Military partners will agree that being with a serviceman tends to acelerate your relationship.

2) I am currently wating for my partner and it is driving me mad! He says his ready but he wants it to "be perfect!" God know what this means because to me perfect would have been what we had in Disney. Disney+ Real Snow+Xmas= PERFECT!

3) He keeps talking about it and has said he plans to propose before my birthday which is June 5th so I should be 24 although if its on my birthday I will be 25.

4) I really do worry that hes been stringing it out so long that when he does actually do it I think "Took you bloody long enough!" but we''ll see!

 

[LilyKat]

It's a totally personal thing. For me, it was always that I had to have graduated and be earning my own money and supporting myself. After that, it was just waiting to find the right person, which took precisely 18 months, and we were engaged 9 months later

I was (am) 26, and I didn't have to wait longer than I felt was necessary - FI was on the same page. He's 3 years older.

 

[FrekeChild]

1) what made you think you were ready?
I just was. We had been living together officially since 6ish months into the relationship (engaged 2.5ish years into it), we never fought, I felt like I could be stupid in front of him, and I didn't feel the need to put up pretenses in front of him like I was smarter or knew more stuff than I do. I got along just fine with his family, he was LOVED by my parents. My friends loved him, his friends loved me. We had extremely similar life goals, we had similar financial goals, similar ideas about children, etc etc etc.

2) did you have to wait for your partner, or was he a dude in waiting?
I was waiting for him. HOWEVER, should I have not graduated for another year, I might have had made him wait. As it was, he regretted not asking earlier (because of my mom). In fact, he regrets not getting married much earlier.

3) what age were you when you got engaged?
26. For both of us.

4) did your reaction to the engagement make you think that maybe it was a bit premature? (ie: not as excited as you thought you would be, overwhelmed, questioning?)
No. My mom had passed away two weeks before, so both of us and both of our families were thrilled, but everyone was muted. I wasn't super excited or anything, and the only time I got overwhelmed was when I was planning the wedding completely by myself, making it up as I went. I was fully prepared to get it all done--I just wanted it to be over with. We considered eloping so many times because we just wanted to be MARRIED already. So there were no questions, or any kind of second thoughts. I mean, our first time to go ring shopping was February 10th, 2007! I was beyond ready!

(Engaged December 19th, 2008.)

 

[elrohwen]

1) what made you think you were ready?
We just knew I guess. We started dating the last few months of college, so pretty early on we had our own jobs, own apartments, etc. After about 6 months we decided that we wanted to live together after our leases were up. We also wanted to live together for a year or so before getting engaged, but we knew engagement was coming. Not long after we moved in together DH mentioned a diamond he had inherited and that he wanted that to be my ering stone. His mom brought us the ring in November of that year, then a few months later we designed the ring and had it made. We got engaged almost exactly a year after moving in together. Everything progressed so naturally and our lives just meshed together.

2) did you have to wait for your partner, or was he a dude in waiting?
I didn''t really get impatient until the very end. He was nervous about putting so much money down on the ring (even though it was just a settting - we''re not big spenders), but after a month of nerves he bit the bullet and we had it made. Then I had to wait a few months for it to be made and for him to propose (I knew he was doing it on a weekend vacation, so at least I knew what I was waiting for). I''m very glad I didn''t have to go through an extended period of waiting for him because I''m pretty sure I could have been resentful.

3) what age were you when you got engaged?
I was 24, he was 23 (I''m 7 months older). We got married when we were both 25.

4) did your reaction to the engagement make you think that maybe it was a bit premature? (ie: not as excited as you thought you would be, overwhelmed, questioning?)
I''ll admit that the wedding planning was a bit overwhelming at times. I just don''t have the wedding gene and I hated every minute. Once or twice the thought ran through my mind that maybe I wasn''t ready to get married, but then I realized I just didn''t like wedding planning - it had nothing to do with who I was marrying. In the end the wedding was 110% worth it, so I''m glad I didn''t let the stress get to me.

 

[lilyfoot]

1) what made you think you were ready?
2) did you have to wait for your partner, or was he a dude in waiting?
3) what age were you when you got engaged?
4) did your reaction to the engagement make you think that maybe it was a bit premature? (ie: not as excited as you thought you would be, overwhelmed, questioning?)

1. I have no idea. Seriously. I just knew. I always said I wouldn''t get married, yet I knew wanted to marry this man with every bone in my body. He is everything I''ve ever wanted in a man.

2. We were ready at the same time.

3. I am/was 21, he was/is 24.

4. My reaction was exactly what I thought it would be. Very emotional, very excited to be marrying the love of my life, but I''m not a jump up-and-down giddy type of person. I was not overwhelemed, nor have I questioned my decision to this day.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

1) what made you think you were ready? I knew I was ready to marry *him*. We had been living together since practically day 1, though, we were engaged almost 4 years later, had been through more ups and downs than most married couples, and knew that through it all, we were there for each other, happily and joyfully.

2) did you have to wait for your partner, or was he a dude in waiting? I waited for him. He''s 3.5 years younger than me, so we met when I was already in a place in my life that I knew marriage was the logical and emotional next step. He was just graduating college and building a career, so it took him some time to get there.

3) what age were you when you got engaged? I was 30, he was 26. We were married 3 weeks later when he was days from turning 27.

4) did your reaction to the engagement make you think that maybe it was a bit premature? (ie: not as excited as you thought you would be, overwhelmed, questioning?) In my case, it was a bit overdue. By at least a couple of years, IMO. It didn''t take away from the joy of hearing the actual question, but I had been expecting (hoping for) it for quite some time at that point. I think my DH just had issues with marriage due to his parent''s nasty divorce, and quite honestly, I believe that if outside circumstances hadn''t pushed us to get engaged when we did, we''d probably either still be together today but not married, or I would have left him because I didn''t want to wait anymore. He''s thriilled he proposed when he did now, but at the time, he thought we''d be just as happy living together forever as we are as a married couple. Maybe we could have been, but my LIWitis would have been unmanageable.

We had already planned the wedding in Vegas, so because I lack that wedding planning gene, it was the perfect, relaxing wedding for us.