What can I do?

[SarahLovesJS]

Okay, so many of you know the never-ending FI''s friends drama. If you''re not, well we''ll just leave it at that there''s been a lot of tension between FI and his friends within the last 8 months or so. Anyway, this is my question, what can I do about who he picks as groomsmen? Okay, so I know it''s not my place to tell him who to pick and I have not done that. I know it''s his decision, but if he asks for my opinion should I really give it to him or just tell him to do what''s best? Because we''ve talked about this and always seem up ending saying we''ll decide eventually. I know we have plenty of time, but I am mortified to have some of these people even coming to my wedding much less be in it. Do you stand by and let someone get walked over, or intervene but potentially be resented or considered a controlling woman? Heh, they already suddenly decided they didn''t like me so I guess the second option doesn''t really matter.

Any advice? Did anyone deal with this? Did you even invite the mean guys to the wedding? If you want to hear the long drawn out drama update, let me know. But I really don''t think you do.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hiya, honey, I''m sorry you are stressed! *hugs* I think if your FI asks you your opinion, then you should give it. The only reason he''d be asking is if he didn''t know how to handle it, so maybe the two of you working together could figure out the best way to handle this situation?

 

[Bia]

Let''s hear it because otherwise I am not really sure. The only thing I can tell you is that you know him very well, and if there is a lot of tension surrounding his friendships and loyalties, talk it through so you can, together, determine what is best. If he is being treated like a doormat, then help him see that...just be sure you''re not pushing your own agenda.

Good luck!

 

[ponderer]

Can you forgo having groomsmen and bridesmaids? Maybe just a maid of honor and a bestman?

 

[pjean]

I think if he asks for your opinion you should definitely give it. But unfortunately, the final choice is his, and I think if he decides to invite them, then you have to watch him get walked on. Ease it for him if you can, and otherwise, stay out of the way.

 

[Octavia]

Sarah, I''m sorry all this drama is still going on

I think that you and your FI need to get everything out on the table about this, civilly -- you don''t want to start your marriage with a lot of resentment over wedding stuff. And hopefully some of these people will grow up a little before then. Ultimately, though, it''s your FI''s wedding just as much as it is yours, and if it''s REALLY important to him to include some of these guys, it might be best just to be gracious about it. Who will be the unhappier one, you if they''re at/in the wedding, or him if they''re not?

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Sweetie,

I think you definitely need to be honest with him, whether or not he asks. All you need to do is list valid and honest reasons for your concerns, but also let him know that it is ultimately his decision. I think he will respect your opinion more because you were honest with him while also allowing him the independence to do what he feels is best. If he still makes choices you don''t agree with, then I think you need to try to make the best of it, but I hope it doesn''t come to that.

Hang in there...hugs!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Thank you everyone! I agree I definitely think working together will help. Ponderer, I''m not really sure that''s an option. My bridesmaids are his sisters and they''d be pretty devastated if I ditched them now.

Thank you for the option though, I hadn''t even thought of it. I guess he''d be unhappier if they weren''t at the wedding at all. It just makes me boil on the inside for them to even be there much less in the wedding, but I''ll deal. I have so far. I will try to talk to him about it again when I am with him this weekend (weekend of June 6) or the next weekend. He''s not being stubborn about it. I just don''t want to push him since he''s such a sweet and sensitive guy and I know he cares so much about how I feel. I guess I am more concerned about keeping myself in check and not pushing my agenda like you said Bia. I am trying to avoid that.

So annoying. I know I could have worse problems, but it doesn''t mean it isn''t annoying.

 

[Octavia]

Can you come to some sort of compromise, so maybe he''ll select the ones who have been least rotten to you as his GMs and then figure out what to do about the worst ones (invite as guests only/not invite at all) later on? I think you said that a couple of his friends had avoided the situation as much as they could, and weren''t taking sides so much...is this not the case anymore? Is he still close to this group of friends, or has he distanced himself from them somewhat?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

One guy is definitely not taking sides. Well he kind of took my side which is unusual for him, but he''s trying to stay neutral. So he is definitely a groomsmen. I thanked him or not being a jerk.

Hehe. Anyway, the one guy that tried to say "neutral" took mean wife S''s side over me. Even though he "wasn''t taking sides." Whatever.

He also keeps randomly canceling hang out dates with FI then rescheduling, etc. S''s husband who was FI''s roommate in college for years is still talking to FI a lot. The cancel guy who took S''s side isn''t, he''s kind of a bum to be honest. Doesn''t talk to S''s husband much either. Anyway, sorry if this is confusing. We are definitely inviting non-neutral guy and the guy that''s been nice to me still is coming and being a groomsmen. The only two things left are: ask non-neutral guy (who is rather unreliable it seems anyway) to be a groomsmen? And even invite S and her husband? It seems a given that S''s hubby would be there, but S is sooooo mean. FI even feels

about her being there. So what do we do? I guess we just put up with her wishing ill on us or what? No idea. S is always nice to him on the surface, but she''s been doing mean things to FI lately, too. E.g. when he hung out with S''s husband recently, she showed up before he left their apt. Well, she invited the other friend to a party in front of FI without inviting FI. And her husband and their other guy friend totally just went along with it! Aside from glancing at FI, they just pretended like he wasn''t there. So rude, so immature and not the first time this has happened.

Do you see why I am so annoyed?

 

[Octavia]

It sounds like this girl is pretty toxic, and it''s unfortunate that it''s affecting everyone''s friendships. It''s especially unfortunate that it seems like things are going to come to a head over your wedding. Honestly, I think your FI needs to address this with S''s husband, but I wouldn''t blame him for being afraid of the consequences of doing so. I''m sorry I can''t be of more help

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree, it does suck. Everything for her wedding went fine.

Although, apparently she''d been talking about me before it. So I find it amusing she had to spend time with me knowing how much she disliked me with me being so nice and not having a clue.

Must have been miserable! Anyway, I think he will need to talk to S''s husband as well. He needs to find out where to go from talking to him. We can send an invite, no prob. But honestly, she may not even let him come, who knows.

Thank you for letting me vent. It''s so frustrating.