What can I do to help?

[sumbride]

I''m sorry this is so long... I need a special way to treat my mom because of all that she''s dealing with right now and I''m looking for ideas...

I just talked to my mom and she''s beisde herself with worry and fear and grief. My older brother is in the hospital right now with a high fever, swollen abdomen, stiff neck and a huge amount of white blood cells. They know there is some kind of infection but they don''t know where and they''ve ruled out meningitis after a cat scan and spinal tap. He''s on a lot of demerol for the pain. His wife is having panic attacks and has had her parents come up to stay with her, but they have problems too as her mom is brain damaged from a stroke and is functional but not herself...

Meanwhile, my dad is due for prostate surgery next week. He has a lesion or something that they have to deal with to prevent cancer, but he''ll be essentially incapacitated for a week or so before he can resume normal bodily functions and he is not a good patient. My mom has been dreading dealing with him for a month or so now as he gets very needy when he''s sick.

Also, my grandmother is still dealing with stage IV Ovarian cancer, and while she has nurses and help, my mom still has to spend 4 days a week taking care of her meals and those of her caretakers and checking in with her.

At the same time, my sister who is in very ill health, and her beyond-moody 16 year old daughter live with my parents and tend to be very needy too...

My poor mom, whose health isn''t the best either, has to deal with ALL of this... and she''s freaking out. I don''t blame her. Just one of these situations would send me running for the hills. I live 1000 miles away (1056 actually) and I don''t know what I can do to help... I don''t have enough leave to go home nor can I swing a plane ticket right now(especially after the car accident last night...) ... I''ll be home for several days in a couple of weeks, but I really want to do something for my mom as she takes care of all these patients...

what can I do?

 

[CrownJewel]

Deep breaths! Wow. That is definitely a lot to deal with. Is there any way you can move the trip home a little earlier? Or call up some friends or aunts or uncles or cousins to check in at your parents' house? I'm sure if there is someone who lives close by, they would be glad to help. Send her a care package with juice, cereal, oatmeal, a blanket?

It must be so frustrating living so far! But there must be someone who lives close by who can help. Is there anyone who can help do some food shopping?

Best wishes for everyone!!

 

[studyer83]

Can you send her a care package, with things she might not purchase for herself, but that might reduce her stress?


Or, can you organize to have some sort of meal delivery to her house (I know there are companies that do this)....but I''m not sure where your mom live. I have also heard of laundry services that pick up dirty laundry/return clean laundry? I know these sound like silly little things, but especially with how much time your mother is spending with your grandmother, and having your sister living in the house with her - any little bit helps.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

What my mom always does for people like that is feed them. Because of the distance, you can''t make it, but there are companies that will deliver almost any kind of food. Feeding them is great because it is one less chore for her to do.
also, can you do research on amy of the health problems? My family feels in control when they have more info but it can take time to find.
Whenever they is a health problem in my family, everyone calls my mom to find out what is happening which just adds another chore. What she does is asks someone, usually me or her best friend, to send out daily or weekly updates to the family explaining the situation so she isn''t inundated with calls.

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

My goodness- that a lot of stress.

The best thing you can do is to stay in contact, and, like Crown Jewel suggested, have close friends or family of your mom check in with her and keep an eye on her for you until you get there. I went through something similar with my mom, and I even went as far as to have my father (her ex-husband) go check on her. Certainly not her first choice, but it saved her life. Sometimes just knowing someone is looking out for you helps a lot.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Sumbride, I''m so sorry to hear of all your family is having to endure right now.

When so much is going on in a family at one time and you aren''t able to be there in person to help, sometimes it''s best to find ways to take the little "everyday things" off the plate so those who are stretched thin can shift their energies to more important things. Some ideas that come to mind include (1) sending over a food platter to the house from a local restaurant or deli so your mother doesn''t have to worry about cooking in addition to everything else, or (2) hiring a cleaning crew to come over and clean her house if she''s normally the type to do that herself as well.

Good luck. It can be very hard to be far away from loved ones when they''re in a time of need.

 

[sumbride]

Luckily she does have a housekeeper who does the laundry, but my mom also has to pick her up and take her to and from her house, and bring her lunch... but she''s in her 80s and has worked for my mom my whole life... she will help some with the daily stuff but she no longer does the cooking like she used to because of her age. I will look into sending some meals. She''s in a smaller town so there really isn''t a meal delivery service, but there are a couple of places I know she likes and I bet they would be able to bring something by if I called up and paid for it. That''s a good idea.

There is more family in town but I don''t know how helpful they''ll be. My other brother is very uninvolved. I don''t begrudge him that as I live so far away, but I don''t really feel like he can be counted on to pitch in when needed because he just doesn''t do things for the family. He and his wife are the main caretakers for his FIL, so he''s already kind of busy with that I suppose. MAYBE I can talk to him about this though. We''re just not close.

My mom does have lots of friends that will probably help out if they know what''s going on... she just doesn''t ask for help. I was really surprised to hear the panic in her voice today, but my brother has been in the hospital since Wednesday and she just told me today. She "didn''t want to worry" me. Of course, this is the brother who has sworn to call me ASAP when something happens because of that concept, but of course, he was busy as HE was the patient.

I do think a care package would be a sweet idea... I''ll look around for some contents.

 

[door knob solitaire]

OH honey. That is an avalanche.

I mailed a care package to my mom in a similar circumstance. Picked up a few holiday beaded sweaters, robe, warm socks, a nice special mug, coffees-cocoas-creamers and teas. Lavender sachets and creams. Eye gel filled cooling mask. A book with sentimental thoughts and scriptures. And to top if off a soft cuddly teddy bear. Attached a card with a thought...similar, every time you hug me...your daughter is hugging you back.

Well sweetie, it isn''t just your mom in need of a care package...but you too. Get your rest to be strong...eat right...and try to block out the minutia in your life and focus on what matters and what you can change or correct. My best to you. §

 

[Skippy123]

Can you get a gift certificate to her friend to take her out to eat somewhere so gets away for a bit (Kimi suggested this to me for something else). I think that would take her mind away from somethings for a bit. Also call her and just listening can help lots.

In the meantime do something nice for yourself too; sounds like you are very worried. I will keep you in my prayers and sorry about the accident; I hope you are okay! Lots of hugs to you and your family!

 

[lumpkin]

I don''t have anything further to suggest, but I''ll keep your family in my prayers.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Date: 12/7/2007 1:21:28 PM
Author:sumbride
I''m sorry this is so long... I need a special way to treat my mom because of all that she''s dealing with right now and I''m looking for ideas...

I just talked to my mom and she''s beisde herself with worry and fear and grief. My older brother is in the hospital right now with a high fever, swollen abdomen, stiff neck and a huge amount of white blood cells. They know there is some kind of infection but they don''t know where and they''ve ruled out meningitis after a cat scan and spinal tap. He''s on a lot of demerol for the pain. His wife is having panic attacks and has had her parents come up to stay with her, but they have problems too as her mom is brain damaged from a stroke and is functional but not herself...

Meanwhile, my dad is due for prostate surgery next week. He has a lesion or something that they have to deal with to prevent cancer, but he''ll be essentially incapacitated for a week or so before he can resume normal bodily functions and he is not a good patient. My mom has been dreading dealing with him for a month or so now as he gets very needy when he''s sick.

Also, my grandmother is still dealing with stage IV Ovarian cancer, and while she has nurses and help, my mom still has to spend 4 days a week taking care of her meals and those of her caretakers and checking in with her.

At the same time, my sister who is in very ill health, and her beyond-moody 16 year old daughter live with my parents and tend to be very needy too...

My poor mom, whose health isn''t the best either, has to deal with ALL of this... and she''s freaking out. I don''t blame her. Just one of these situations would send me running for the hills. I live 1000 miles away (1056 actually) and I don''t know what I can do to help... I don''t have enough leave to go home nor can I swing a plane ticket right now(especially after the car accident last night...) ... I''ll be home for several days in a couple of weeks, but I really want to do something for my mom as she takes care of all these patients...

what can I do?

"So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play . . ."

Sigh . . .

The other ladies have made some good suggestions. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} coming to you from this end.

 

[sumbride]

I talked to my mom this morning and she''s doing a little better but she''s still just really stressed. My brother came home from the hospital today. They found that the stiff neck was a separate symptom from the rest, just tension, so he doesn''t have some odd nerve disorder or anything like that. He does have a pretty massive infection in his gut and they said he had the "intestines of a 70 year old man". He''s 38, and in relatively good health. He had his gallbladder out in emergency surgery last fall, but he''s slim/average and active... just not responding well to what he''s eating. He has pockets of infection in his intestines... I just didn''t know something like that was even possible.

So she''s still worried about him but not as much now that they know what it is, or think they do anyway. She''s not looking forward to taking my dad to Shreveport for his surgery on Friday but she has her hotel sorted out and she says my sister has started cooking meals, which blows my mind because I''ve never known her to cook anything. Maybe this is helping her step up a bit.

My mom is sad that I''m so far away. She actually said that, and she''s always been so supportive of me living where I do, but I think she''s missing me and I know I''m wishing I could be there. She siad she''s at the point where she doesn''t want to answer the phone for fear something else will be wrong, and when I told her "well, you don''t have to worry about me!" she said "yeah, but you were in an accident..." and I said "yes, but I''m ok." (DH and I were in a hit and run on Thursday night but the damage to my car is being taken care of and we got a license plate #. I''m not remotely as sore as I expected to be and DH is fine.)

 

[door knob solitaire]

That must be a tad comforting now knowing what the problem was with your brother. It is still a serious ailment. And the neck issue with is also better than what was feared. Compared to what you feared, it is good news.

Maybe as each day reveals more progess things will lighten up for her.

When hubby and I were dating...I got a piece of mail from him every day or every other day. Sometimes it was just his business card. Or a little doodle he made of me. They were never too extravagant...just knew he was thinking of me. If you have time...you might do the same. Little things stuffed in envelopes can bring a smile, bridge a distance and lighten a load. Give it a try.

§

 

[Selkie]

Summer, I totally missed this thread earlier. I''m sorry about your car accident, and about all the stuff that''s going on with your family. That''s a lot for anyone to deal with, your mother is a real trooper. I love DKS''s idea of sending her something each day just to let her know you''re thinking of her.

My dad had similar surgery as your dad a while ago, and while NO ONE had fun for a week or so, he (and my mom) got through it. It''s good that he''s having it now, and heading off worse issues down the line.

Are you going home for Christmas? I was realizing today that it''s only 2 weeks away! (I don''t know where this year has gone.) Could you set up a day for the two of you to go to a spa or something and chill for a couple of hours? Sounds like you both could use it.

 

[angel_nieves]

Hugs

I am sorry to hear that your family is going though so much, at the holidays. Maybe a nice care package with a foot massager and some nice bath goods, and a few foods treats that she might not be able to get in her small town. Also just you calling and chatting with her and giving her a loving support will help her.
On your brother maybe have him check into a vegetarian diet, a lot of the meats and processed food that are consumed by the average person does a number on the body. I am a vegan (no animal products) and I have more energy and it has helped me get my diabetes in control.
I am wishing you and your family the best.

 

[Sha]

Wow, that is definitely a lot to deal with. I''m glad your brother is feeling better - at least that''s one situation that seems to be under control. I think just being there for her, as you have been, will be helpful. I''m sure she will need someone to talk and vent to- someone to be her support as she tries to be strong for everybody else. Maybe just conitnue being a listening ear for her during this time of need.