What Are Your Non Negotiables?

[missy]

In a romantic partner?

In a friendship?

They might be similar but some might be different. Care to share?

I will start.
In both a partner and a friend my non negotiables are

1. Integrity
2. Empathy
3. Compassion
4. Kindness
5. Love of animals
6. Strong moral compass/ethical behavior
7. Trust


Additional Non negotiable for my partner including all of the above plus
1. Commitment
2. Generosity
3. Putting each other first/most important person in each other's life
4. Shared goals and hopes and dreams
5. Emotionally stable and available/good communicator
6. Shared values
7. Good sense of humor/funny and also needs to get my sense of humor!
8. Passion for each other/Sexual compatibility
9. Must be able to bake a pumpkin cheesecake with graham cracker crust

Contrary to what some might think political affiliation is NOT a non negotiable for me at all. Rather it is who you are as a person so I have friends who are Republicans but are kind empathetic people so one is not mutually exclusive. Just wanted to clarify my thoughts on that. So the fact that someone voted for someone different than who I voted for is not a non negotiable. But for example, if you treat animals as disposable then that is a non negotiable for me in that I want nothing to do with you. Just an example.

 

[lovedogs]

ooh, great question Missy!

In a partner my top requirement is that I feel 100% safe. I struggle to feel safe due to trauma in my past, so I absolutely can't have anyone who doesn't feel "safe", or feels unpredictable in how they might react to a given situation. That said, here's my list

1. Safe
2. Empathic
3. Able to introspect (I need someone who's able to understand and explain their emotions. As someone in a clinical profession, I can't handle dating someone who doesn't want to (or cant) think/understand their emotions or actions, because it makes me go into work mode.)
4. has Honesty/integrity
5. is Kind/loving
6. Smart/Intellectual/Driven. Certainly don't have an IQ requirement, but I am motivated and driven, so I want someone who is intellectual and driven as well. So not really about "smart", but more about being intellectual.
7. Socially liberal. I dont need to date someone with the same political ideals for everything, but there are a few issues that I feel extremely strongly about (e.g. right to choose, rights for gay couples, etc) that would be deal breakers for me if someone were to feel differently. Fiscally conservative would be fine (we can agree to disagree).


Bonuses but not complete requirements
1. Love of animals (or at least understanding how much I love them)
2. Funny

 

[kenny]

Eh, he just gotta be still breathing.

 

[stracci2000]

My list is more basic!

1. Must love cats
2. No recreational drug use.
3. No alcohol use.
4. No tobacco use.
5. Must love the Arts. Museums, galleries, dance, theater, symphony.
6. Must be intellectually compatible. I once went out with a guy who I couldn't have a conversation with.
That relationship didn't last long!

 

[missy]

ooh, great question Missy!

In a partner my top requirement is that I feel 100% safe. I struggle to feel safe due to trauma in my past, so I absolutely can't have anyone who doesn't feel "safe", or feels unpredictable in how they might react to a given situation. That said, here's my list

1. Safe
2. Empathic
3. Able to introspect (I need someone who's able to understand and explain their emotions. As someone in a clinical profession, I can't handle dating someone who doesn't want to (or cant) think/understand their emotions or actions, because it makes me go into work mode.)
4. has Honesty/integrity
5. is Kind/loving
6. Smart/Intellectual/Driven. Certainly don't have an IQ requirement, but I am motivated and driven, so I want someone who is intellectual and driven as well. So not really about "smart", but more about being intellectual.
7. Socially liberal. I dont need to date someone with the same political ideals for everything, but there are a few issues that I feel extremely strongly about (e.g. right to choose, rights for gay couples, etc) that would be deal breakers for me if someone were to feel differently. Fiscally conservative would be fine (we can agree to disagree).


Bonuses but not complete requirements
1. Love of animals (or at least understanding how much I love them)
2. Funny

Thanks lovedogs! Funny story. When my dh and I started dating he had no experience with cats or dogs as he comes from a family of non animal lovers. We found out quickly he was quite allergic. However that did not deter him and he started seeing an allergist to try getting it under control. Aaand he quickly fell in love with my 3 kitties. I knew he was a keeper. He wasn't an animal lover at first (just because he had no experience with animals) but he quickly became one despite his severe animal allergies. 18 years later he is still getting immunotherapy but thank goodness it is working well. And we now have 4 rescue kitties! All different than the original crew (who I miss so much ) but we couldn't help but want to rescue and add more to our family. I just wish cats and dogs had a longer life span.

And thanks for the reminder. Yes a non negotiable for me is must be Socially Liberal! Definitely a non negotiable for me.



Kenny Good one.


Stracci, I'm with you girl and I love your list. My dh used to smoke cigars at cigar bars with his guy friends occasionally when we were dating but thankfully I convinced him it is disgusting and more importantly dangerous to one's health. It wasn't easy though. But worth the effort. I am glad it wasn't a non negotiable for me at the time. I find that as you spend time with and get to know a person you can change some of the behavior that was originally a non negotiable if you both care enough about each other. Of course you cannot change the core of who the person is but superficial things like tobacco use and other things yes you may be able to alter. So I wouldn't write someone off just because of that because you might be able to turn it into a non issue.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Great question!

Not that I think I will be in a relationship any time soon, but I've had a lot of time to ponder this question.

1. NO ANGER/YELLING. This is a huge one. I am not saying never fight, but you can be upset without screaming, throwing things, or pacing and generally acting ridiculous. I will not be with an angry person.

2. You can't be an alcoholic/pothead/drug addict. In moderation it's fine. In excess alcohol makes you a mess, pothead makes you an unmotivated couch slug, and hard drugs are where I draw my line.

3. You need to value education and want to better yourself and your world view. If you never read a book, watch a show that makes you think, or try to expand your knowledge of anything, I'm not maintaining interest.

4. You have no motivation to succeed at your job/career and feel no drive to advance.

5. You have no dreams or aspirations. My silly dreams keep me going. If you don't have any, that isn't going to work for me.

6. Ultimately I can forgive a lot, but not any kind of physical violence or abuse.

7. If you talk badly about me to other people and are just generally not in my corner.

8. Name calling.

9. Bad hygiene.

 

[stracci2000]

ooh, great question Missy!

In a partner my top requirement is that I feel 100% safe. I struggle to feel safe due to trauma in my past, so I absolutely can't have anyone who doesn't feel "safe", or feels unpredictable in how they might react to a given situation. That said, here's my list

1. Safe
2. Empathic
3. Able to introspect (I need someone who's able to understand and explain their emotions. As someone in a clinical profession, I can't handle dating someone who doesn't want to (or cant) think/understand their emotions or actions, because it makes me go into work mode.)
4. has Honesty/integrity
5. is Kind/loving
6. Smart/Intellectual/Driven. Certainly don't have an IQ requirement, but I am motivated and driven, so I want someone who is intellectual and driven as well. So not really about "smart", but more about being intellectual.
7. Socially liberal. I dont need to date someone with the same political ideals for everything, but there are a few issues that I feel extremely strongly about (e.g. right to choose, rights for gay couples, etc) that would be deal breakers for me if someone were to feel differently. Fiscally conservative would be fine (we can agree to disagree).


Bonuses but not complete requirements
1. Love of animals (or at least understanding how much I love them)
2. Funny

Thanks lovedogs! Funny story. When my dh and I started dating he had no experience with cats or dogs as he comes from a family of non animal lovers. We found out quickly he was quite allergic. However that did not deter him and he started seeing an allergist to try getting it under control. Aaand he quickly fell in love with my 3 kitties. I knew he was a keeper. He wasn't an animal lover at first (just because he had no experience with animals) but he quickly became one despite his severe animal allergies. 18 years later he is still getting immunotherapy but thank goodness it is working well. And we now have 4 rescue kitties! All different than the original crew (who I miss so much ) but we couldn't help but want to rescue and add more to our family. I just wish cats and dogs had a longer life span.

And thanks for the reminder. Yes a non negotiable for me is must be Socially Liberal! Definitely a non negotiable for me.



Kenny Good one.


Stracci, I'm with you girl and I love your list. My dh used to smoke cigars at cigar bars with his guy friends occasionally when we were dating but thankfully I convinced him it is disgusting and more importantly dangerous to one's health. It wasn't easy though. But worth the effort. I am glad it wasn't a non negotiable for me at the time. I find that as you spend time with and get to know a person you can change some of the behavior that was originally a non negotiable if you both care enough about each other. Of course you cannot change the core of who the person is but superficial things like tobacco use and other things yes you may be able to alter. So I wouldn't write someone off just because of that because you might be able to turn it into a non issue.

Missy,
It's not for any religious or moral reasons, but I feel that the need to alter one's senses should be left to the "younger" crowd.
I mean, after maybe the mid 20's, a person should mature, and be done with partying and drugging.
I'm not all innocent, and I've done the partying, but by the time I was in my early 20's, I was over it.
Plus, I have seen several people in my family ruined by drugs and alcohol.
And, I just find cigarettes/cigars to be stinky.

I also agree that you can have a positive effect on your mate, in certain situations.
When I got with my DH, (like your DH) he had no experience with cats, but now he is a total cat freak. Yay!
I also got him to eat certain foods that he had never had before, like eggplant, olives, etc.

 

[Alybetter]

I always look at how people treat those who can do nothing for them. That's a quote attributed to Malcom Forbes, I believe. I read it years ago and it's been a pretty good baramoeter for me in relationships of all types. I appreciate kindness and logic, though they don't always align.

 

[lovedogs]

Great question!

Not that I think I will be in a relationship any time soon, but I've had a lot of time to ponder this question.

1. NO ANGER/YELLING. This is a huge one. I am not saying never fight, but you can be upset without screaming, throwing things, or pacing and generally acting ridiculous. I will not be with an angry person.

2. You can't be an alcoholic/pothead/drug addict. In moderation it's fine. In excess alcohol makes you a mess, pothead makes you an unmotivated couch slug, and hard drugs are where I draw my line.

3. You need to value education and want to better yourself and your world view. If you never read a book, watch a show that makes you think, or try to expand your knowledge of anything, I'm not maintaining interest.

4. You have no motivation to succeed at your job/career and feel no drive to advance.

5. You have no dreams or aspirations. My silly dreams keep me going. If you don't have any, that isn't going to work for me.

6. Ultimately I can forgive a lot, but not any kind of physical violence or abuse.

7. If you talk badly about me to other people and are just generally not in my corner.

8. Name calling.

9. Bad hygiene.

Elliot: it seems like we are in the same boat when it comes to needing to feel "safe". 100% agree about the yelling, throwing things. I can't handle that. No name calling, and definitely no abuse. Great list!

 

[LLJsmom]

In a partner:
1. Integrity
2. Kindness
3. Commitment
4. Honesty
5. Ability to see the big picture (will pick his battles)
6. Puts his family first
7. Goes without saying, although I'm saying it here, no drinking, smoking, abuse (mental, physical or verbal)
8. Basically has the same values as I do.

Friend:
1. Kindness
2. Open-mindedness
3. Honesty
4. Generosity of spirit