What are the principles necessary for long term relationship success in your opinion...

[Missy]

Many PSers are celebrating long term happy marriages and relationships and I thought it might be nice to share some of that collective wisdom here on what makes long term successful relationships.

When my dh and I first got married I read my first and only self help book (Gottman) and it was a game changer for me. Most helpful book I ever read and it made our relationship even stronger. During our first year of marriage we both read it at the same time and discussed it as we were reading the book and found it valuable for strengthening our relationship.

So for the sake of sharing and learning from each other...
What makes your relationship work...what is a game changer for you and what are your non negotiables?

Just to name a few highly effective points for us.

1. Compromise isn't always the solution and all you end up with re certain compromises are 2 unhappy people. With some issues one partner has to get their way when compromise isn't a good solution. SO the person that gets their "way" is the person it matters more to if that makes sense. If done in a fair way with each individual issue (where compromise isn't the best solution) it works.

2. If it is important to your partner it should be important to you. Even if personally you don't "get it" you need to make it important simply because it is important to your partner. Always take your significant other's feelings/thoughts into account. A good example of this are diamonds. Nuff said.

3. Keep contempt, criticism, harshness, etc out of your loving relationship. Be soft and caring and loving and understanding and respectful of each other. Especially when you disagree with each other. Be each other's soft place to fall when things get tough. Knowing you are always there for each other makes life so much better. Be tolerant and accepting and forgiving and committed to making your relationship the best it can be.

4. Sharing your life view together. Sharing goals and values goes a long way into making/keeping your relationship strong.
We are a team working through challenges together. We work with each other and not against each other. We are not the same person and recognize that but we have the same goals and values and have a similar life view. Sharing happy loving peaceful life together.

5. If you each put the other first you will always come out ahead IMO.

 

[Austina]

Well, I don’t claim to be an expert, but we’ve survived the odds!

I think it’s different now to when we got married, because it was far less common for people to live together before marriage then. So it was a huge adjustment going from living at home, to being married at 19 and having a home of my own.

I certainly agree with all the points you’ve mentioned, and I’d add having a sense of humour (and sharing it) also goes a long way to a successful relationship.

I think having realistic expectations is important too, it’s not always going to be champagne and roses, it’s not always going to be exciting, passionate and fun, life does get humdrum at times, but that’s life!

I won’t argue if I’m angry, because once something is said, it can’t be unsaid, and saying you didn’t mean it, doesn’t undo the hurt the other person felt when they heard the words.

I also think it’s important not to neglect your relationship if you have children.

 

[Missy]

Austina yes I agree completely with everything you wrote above. And yes to keeping a healthy sense of humor about it all. Sense of humor is right up there with breathing IMO lol.

 

[Missy]

Follow up question for those of you willing to share. What were the main reasons your relationship didn't continue for the long run?

 

[december-fire]

@missy and @Austina , I agree with everything you've written!

In terms of deal breakers, I've got five. Listed in one-word only, they're:
1. alcohol
2. drugs
3. gambling
4. spender
5. abusive

Drug use or being abusive are zero-tolerance for me.
An occasional drink or visit to the casino are ok, but excessive behaviour/inability to control urge in these areas is a no-go. Yup, people use the word 'disease' with these behaviours, but I don't care. I'd encourage the person to get help, if they're inclined to listen, but I'm not going to get into - or stay in - a marriage/dating relationship with someone who does drugs (at all) or drinks too much. Love and support, fine, but from a distance.
Being a 'spender' versus a 'saver' is also a no-go for me. Nothing wrong with occasional splurges and luxuries that are within budget, but I'm talking about a person who lives beyond their means. If a friend is living beyond their means (in my opinion), that's their business. But someone who affects my household budget, nope.

The importance thing about deal-breakers is to have them; value yourself enough to think about how you want to live your life and how you want to be treated.

Deal-breakers and values go hand-in-hand.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Commitment to work at it and not give up even when you think you should.

Trust, once it's gone, you're not getting it back.

Understanding, sometimes people come from messed up situations and have baggage that needs to be dealt with. People sometimes have behaviors ingrained from what they grew up with but they can reverse it if given a chance.

For my marriage in particular, we didn't give up when things got bad (and they certainly did) and decided instead to try to work it out and we are better people individually and as a couple for it. DH had angry outbursts and it took me s while to realize that was not normal but I found it wasn't because he is a bad person, he learned this from my MIL (who I refuse to have a relationship with). He got help and turned himself around.

Things I would not tolerate: drug abuse, physical abuse, infidelity and possibly others but those are the main ones.

Great thread Missy!

 

[lyra]

I would say that compromise can work. We gladly compromise for the other's benefit. I'm happy to do that. He's happy to do that. It rarely comes into play though. We discuss every aspect of everything and are logical people. Life is so short. There are very few things worth wasting precious time on. We make decisions quickly, together.

Open communication helps. The ability to embrace certain changes helps. Wanting to make things easier for each other helps. We have tons of stress. The only way through it is with humour and taking things a day at a time and not wasting energy on what can't be changed.

 

[stracci2000]

@missy and @Austina , I agree with everything you've written!

In terms of deal breakers, I've got five. Listed in one-word only, they're:
1. alcohol
2. drugs
3. gambling
4. spender
5. abusive

Drug use or being abusive are zero-tolerance for me.
An occasional drink or visit to the casino are ok, but excessive behaviour/inability to control urge in these areas is a no-go. Yup, people use the word 'disease' with these behaviours, but I don't care. I'd encourage the person to get help, if they're inclined to listen, but I'm not going to get into - or stay in - a marriage/dating relationship with someone who does drugs (at all) or drinks too much. Love and support, fine, but from a distance.
Being a 'spender' versus a 'saver' is also a no-go for me. Nothing wrong with occasional splurges and luxuries that are within budget, but I'm talking about a person who lives beyond their means. If a friend is living beyond their means (in my opinion), that's their business. But someone who affects my household budget, nope.

The importance thing about deal-breakers is to have them; value yourself enough to think about how you want to live your life and how you want to be treated.

Deal-breakers and values go hand-in-hand.

I agree completely with everything December-fire says above.
The list is right-on.
I would add that having common interests is very important also.
In a previous relationship, he and I had nothing in common. We were on opposite poles in all areas.
I despised going to sporting events that he loved(and insisted I attend with him), and he hated art galleries, which meant that I hardly ever went to art galleries. We always did what he wanted, and I never had much of a say.

 

[kenny]

Low standards.

 

[Dancing Fire]

@missy and @Austina , I agree with everything you've written!

In terms of deal breakers, I've got five. Listed in one-word only, they're:
3. gambling
4. spender

If that is true then wife and I would have had divorced 25 yrs ago...

 

[LJsapphire]

Follow up question for those of you willing to share. What were the main reasons your relationship didn't continue for the long run?

I tolerated lots of things: being financially irresponsible, leaving me to sort everything, being disrespectful and swearing at me. We argued lots. Later learned that other behaviour was emotionally abusive. I'd suspected him of cheating on me before we were married, and I know he had been "virtually" unfaithful (ie online). I found emails to another woman not long after we married, but he tried to say it happened years ago.
In the end I discovered he was having an affair while I was pregnant, and all the way through he was lying about it. But I knew.*
I did snoop, and that wasn't good but I haven't felt like I need to with my FI now.

*in the end he divorced me for unreasonable behaviour saying I neglected him he wanted to get there first because he didn't want me to drag his name through the mud

 

[sonnyjane]

My advice is probably the least conventional and most controversial. Our secret to living so well as a married couple is to not live like a traditional married couple lol. What I mean is that we still very much lead our separate lives. Separate finances, separate hobbies, separate interests, separate vacations (we travel together of course, but we also take vacations alone with our friends). We plan for the future, but I pretty much let him do what he wants to do and he lets me do what I want to do. As long as bills are paid and retirement goals are met, have at it with your discretionary funds. I have all the freedoms (with the exception of dating other people of course) that I would if I were single, so it doesn't leave me pining for anything.

I think it's essential to retain your individual personality. You can enhance each other, but not change each other.

One that I think most people can agree with, however, is honesty. Just be honest about what you're feeling. Upset about something? Just freaking say it instead of quietly stewing. That helps nobody.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Missy, everything you wrote is exactly what I would have said. Those things have worked for us for 37 years. I would only add a couple things.

Treat each other better than you would anyone else in the world. I have heard other people say “ he/she treats his friends/family/dog better than they treat me. I would never want that to be.

We have a policy between us that if one of us does something that irritates the other we try never to do it again. We change what we can to suit each other, after we tell the other. I can’t tell you how many fights or disagreements we have avoided with this.

 

[sonnyjane]

Something else I thought of, important enough to start a new post instead of adding to my first, is the power of positive reinforcement and affirmative communication. It's SOOOOOOO SIMPLE to say "Wow! Kitchen looks great! Thanks for doing those dishes!" or to send a text of "Have a good day at work! Love you." Jiminy, it's so easy and yet I feel so often not done.

 

[Dancing Fire]

No affairs and never to talk about money with your SO. These are the two topics that leads to most divorces.

 

[Bron357]

Apart from straight up deal breakers (for me) drugs, gambling, alcohol and abusive you have to find someone with similar lifestyle, aspirations and beliefs to yourself, whatever they may be.
You can not “change” someone so thinking that “I will bring him/her around to my way of thinking” never works. I made that mistake in my first marriage. He wasn’t interested in having children. I stayed, almost too long, hoping and waiting for this view to change - it didn’t. In the end I left him, very sad and feeling that I’d rather be alone without children than living in a childless marriage. I was 39, going on 40.
I had a new job, a new start, and met this guy at work. We got on very well in the work environment and in group social events. He was smart, kind, hard working and cute. And nearly a decade younger that me! He asked me out. I looked at him and said “Well, I’m not interested in “going out”, I’m not interested in dating. I’m past all that. If you want to take me out, you will have to marry me and I want a child, if I can, and not next year, now” I thought “ha, that will put him right off!”.
Wrong.
Engaged 3 months later and with a wedding planned in 6 months I went off the Pill. 10 months later our daughter was born.
17 years later, he’s still smart, kind, hard working and cute and my best friend.

 

[kenny]

No affairs and never to talk about money with your SO. These are the two topics that leads to most divorces.

So hiring a $20,000 hooker wouldn't be good?

 

[Slickk]

So hiring a $20,000 hooker wouldn't be good?

Yes, that is quite frowned upon!

 

[Dancing Fire]

So hiring a $20,000 hooker wouldn't be good?

Go ask Tiger Woods...

 

[Tekate]

My husband and I are totally alike in the style of music we listen to, we are alike in saving (he even more than me) we are both are technical, we both wanted children, when I learned to try and not win every argument we even experienced growth in our relationship, we both say all the time, "I've changed so much for you!", also I feel that libido being equal was a great for us. Also, always trying to think about what the other's point of view is. I always wanted to win as I'm uber competitive, but hubster isn't I had a big problem with thus for years until I learned acceptance, I still don't understand why he wasn't more competitive but he is who he is and I love him very much for 'who he is'. Feeling loved, we both show love for each other when together, by saying it, by laughing, by talking about our sons and DIL, it took years for us to perfect our relationship and there's always more to do, but I have had the best marriage and the happiest life because of an IM from my husband. I feel lucky.

 

[Tekate]

Deal breaker: cheating, irresponsibility with our finances, **** addiction, gambling addiction, mistreatment of me or our children, verbal abuse, criminal, being republican (hahahaha just threw that in for a laugh!).

Alcoholism and drug addiction would not make me end the relationship initially, I believe in getting help, if all else fails, I would end it.

my first husband was: mean, verbally abusive, cheated, was arrogant, demeaning, all around poop head and I spent 10 years with this idiot, I had mucho counseling to find out why.

 

[Queenie60]

Keeping your ego out of the relationship. Ego can get in the way of reasoning and compromise. Always do little things for one another, running an errand, laundry, just the small stuff. And show appreciation.

 

[valeria101]

My advice is probably the least conventional ... we still very much lead our separate lives.

It would fall within my tradition - two walks of life that are expected to not conflict & to get a few things formally right.


___
Footnote
I shouldn't be writing on this thread - all I know is that I could not prove matchmaker' wisdom wrong & not for lack of trying ...

 

[doberman]

In 31 years we've been through a lot, most of it good. I would say don't neglect the physical part of your relationship or your own physical well-being and appearance (barring illness or injury of course). Feeling good about yourself makes you a more pleasant person to be around.

 

[Missy]

Missy, everything you wrote is exactly what I would have said. Those things have worked for us for 37 years. I would only add a couple things.

Treat each other better than you would anyone else in the world. I have heard other people say “ he/she treats his friends/family/dog better than they treat me. I would never want that to be.

We have a policy between us that if one of us does something that irritates the other we try never to do it again. We change what we can to suit each other, after we tell the other. I can’t tell you how many fights or disagreements we have avoided with this.

Yes so true luv2sparkle. I have noticed this with other couples. The husband or wife seems to treat their friends better than their spouses. It is definitely an erosion of the relationship and lack of respect and so important to be self aware and realize that your spouse is your best friend and confidante and the one person in the world who is always there for you. It is easy to romanticize other relationships where you only see those friends occasionally vs someone (your partner) you live with 24/7.

Sometimes just being more self aware and appreciating who your spouse is and how much you love and respect and appreciate your partner is such a huge help. Sometimes with the craziness of life it is easy to forget how much we value and love someone. Stress can make things go upside down at times and make our brains a bit less clear at times.

Something else I thought of, important enough to start a new post instead of adding to my first, is the power of positive reinforcement and affirmative communication. It's SOOOOOOO SIMPLE to say "Wow! Kitchen looks great! Thanks for doing those dishes!" or to send a text of "Have a good day at work! Love you." Jiminy, it's so easy and yet I feel so often not done.

Yes 100%. Great point sonnyjane. The breakdown of relationships start when one is not appreciative of the other and all they do and contribute. When one is critical of their partner in a damaging way and doesn't recognize the value of that person is a signal of a bigger problem.


And I agree with you about it being critical to retain your essential personality and who you are. Your spouse should make you want to be the best version of yourself and vice versa and not take anything away from who you are. Good couples bring out the best in each other and want the best for each other without any hidden selfish agendas. It's good to know who you are before you actually get married IMO as this goes a long way to ensure a successful relationship. If you don't know who you are how do you know what you want and need in a lifetime partner?

 

[december-fire]

If that is true then wife and I would have had divorced 25 yrs ago...

@Dancing Fire , go hug that wonderful wife of yours and thank her for her tolerance and patience!

I'm glad that you came to your senses, gave up gambling and overspending, and are wisely using your money for necessities like diamonds.

Oh, and 25 years ago, I wasn't wise enough to know that I should have a list!

 

[whitewave]

Sex. Sex is glue and if it goes too long without, one person needs to ask, "why are we not having more sex?"

 

[december-fire]

Lots of great comments!

And, yes, its important to have some time together, some time apart, some shared interests, and some different interests. Sometimes compromise, sometimes let one person go with what he/she wants. Everyone should have some money that is theirs to use as they wish or set on fire. Their decision.

Its wise to know that sometimes people can, and will, change.
Its also wise to know that sometimes the behaviour won't change, no matter how hard the other person tries or wants to see change.

The biggest determining factor to a happy long-term relationship is who we select as a mate.
If we've made an unwise choice and no amount of work will improve things, then call it quits.
Marriage shouldn't be an endurance test.

 

[Missy]

I remember someone once told me that the 2 most important decisions in one’s life is the person we choose to spend our life with and what we choose to do for a living.

I think this can be expanded to all the loved ones we choose to spend time with but since the main part of our time is spent with a partner (for many of us) I get the point that the romantic partner we choose is a critical part of our happiness. I also know one can be happy without a romantic partner. There are so many variables and it also depends on the individual but IMO one doesn’t need a soulmate per se to be happy. One can live a fulfilling rich life without a romantic partner. It just depends.

As for what one does for a living yes this is an important factor in our satisfaction but again you can get happiness and contentment and satisfaction from outside one’s occupation. I am a firm believer there is no formula that works for everyone and doesn’t true contentment come from within anyway?

But yes the choice of a partner is often a critical factor in our happiness.

Sorry for the threadjack slightly off topic.

 

[Maggiemeans]

Communication
Especially about each person's feelings..