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What are the most volatile years of a marriage?

Matthews1127

Matthews1127

Ideal_Rock
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Apr 7, 2017
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Some say that if you can get through the first few years, your marriage has a better chance of surviving the test of time. But, how many years are “the first few years”? Is it 3? Is it 5....10?!?

I’m asking because I just got a text message from an old friend of mine that he’s leaving his wife, this weekend. He’s very upset, and has not been able to go into detail about it. I respect his privacy, so it’s not of great significance. What has me baffled is that this will now be divorce #2 for BOTH of them, and I know he wouldn’t be going through this, again, if it wasn’t for good reason. However, they have only been married for 2.5 years.
I realize a marriage can be broken at any point....even after decades. But what do people consider the “toughest” years of marriage; the “over the hump” years?
I’m certain different variables like blended families, and kids/in-laws play a role in a lot of things, but I wanted to hear from all of you.
What do you think are the most volatile years of a marriage?
 
Matthews1127 said:
Some say that if you can get through the first few years, your marriage has a better chance of surviving the test of time. But, how many years are “the first few years”? Is it 3? Is it 5....10?!?

I’m asking because I just got a text message from an old friend of mine that he’s leaving his wife, this weekend. He’s very upset, and has not been able to go into detail about it. I respect his privacy, so it’s not of great significance. What has me baffled is that this will now be divorce #2 for BOTH of them, and I know he wouldn’t be going through this, again, if it wasn’t for good reason. However, they have only been married for 2.5 years.
I realize a marriage can be broken at any point....even after decades. But what do people consider the “toughest” years of marriage; the “over the hump” years?
I’m certain different variables like blended families, and kids/in-laws play a role in a lot of things, but I wanted to hear from all of you.
What do you think are the most volatile years of a marriage?
Click to expand...


Matthews I am sorry about your friend. Everyone's experience is different but for us the most volatile time was the first year or our marriage. It was getting used to a whole new way of life. We hadn't lived together before we got married and weekends and vacations don't count. But actually living together every single day with all the normal life stressors etc it was hard (for me) to get used to and we had the silliest arguments. We worked it all out in that first year and since then it has been smooth sailing. But that first year was challenging as change can always be challenging even positive change.

Unfortunately I know couples who got divorced after 30 plus years of marriage so one really cannot generalize however. It all depends on the couple. Did they grow apart? Did they start wanting different things from the relationship /from life?

Personally I think there are periods in one's marriage where you could feel this kind of unrest and stress so I wouldn't be able to say yes there is one main time where the couple is most at risk. There are stressors in life. Death, health issues, loss of a job etc. and these stressors can rock a marriage. How does the couple deal with stress in their life and in their relationship? How couples deal with these issues together and separately is of critical importance I think.

You have to be a team working together and on the same side cheering each other on always but you also have to maintain your independence and individuality.

Good marriages take work every single day. You have to have similar values and similar interests and love each other enough where you want to and do put the other one first. Each one of you has to feel like that IMO for a successful marriage. Trust, love, respect, generosity, kindness and humor. All very necessary ingredients for a successful and happy long term relationship. IMO.

I am very sorry about your friend and hope no matter what happens it will work out for the best.
 
I think it has to do with any period where there is a major shift in your status quo. For us it was the first year living together for sure, which included 6 months before and after we were married. Then next big adjustment period was when I finally finished college and went from being out of the house 6-7 days a week for over 12 hours a day (between work and school) to only having a day job and being home much more. It was like we moved in together all over again. That took a few months to find our new normal. Things were stable for a few years (occasional fights here and there) and then we had a baby.

It was more of an adjustment for DH than he thought it would be, the first 4 months were very hard, one major fight (AKA I will leave your ass right now if this doesn't change) and that was the last one. (It's been about 2 years since then). Marriage will always have it's up and downs. We've been together nearly 17 and married for nearly 10 years now. What has SAVED us through these fights is dealing with what the issues were head on, not ignoring them. The longest a "fight" has EVER lasted without some steps towards resolvement (on both our sides) has been about 2 days.
 
I agree that rough periods come at different times for everyone. I think the thing for us is that we were absolutely committed to staying together and honoring our vows at the outset, so when the rough times came, divorce was never an option for either of us. (Of course, adultery and abuse would have voided that idea and thankfully was not an issue.) We got married at age 21.
 
To my mind the most volatile years of my marriage was when we first had our sons, living on one salary, moving, so many volatile times when we were trying to juggle a life and find time for me and him, separately and together. Also, when I retired.. ugh that took quite a bit of time to adjust to.
 
I agree that major life events are what determine rough patches. But then for us, after you go through a very long string of these that never seem to end, you kind of just roll with the punches. If not for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all pretty much. This is year 35 for us, and although nothing has really ever settled, it's much easier to deal with what life throws at you when you are a cohesive unit. Maybe it helps that DH is away quite a bit. At first that was a big stressor, but 35 years later it's something that gives us both breathing space and then we enjoy when we are back together again if that makes sense.
 
lyra said:
not for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all pretty much.
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lol thanks for the laugh but I’m sorry too. I know it’s tongue in cheek however. Life is full of challenges and crap. No one gets out unscathed. Or as my dad used to say when I was younger and feeling down about something he would say missy, no one gets out alive. Lol. Love my dad. He’s very wise. :halo:

But man he is stubborn beyond stubborn as he gets older. Sigh. It’s our fate should we be lucky enough to live a long life. Sadness, tragedy, pain and if we are lucky love and some peace and joy along the way.
 
HI:

ALL of them! :lol-2::lol-2:

cheers--Sharon
 
I think it's not the years but stressors like birth of a child, purchasing or renovating a place to live, job loss, etc. Whenever two people feel like they're not on same team or share same vision on how to move forward, relationship falls apart.
 
I agree it is not necessarily the years of marriage so much as the phases of life. Yes, newlywed first year is an adjustment, as is having children. But also career/education changes, raising children, relocations, money issues, dealing with job or health setbacks.
But- in young marriages I saw a lot of failures after second baby is born when the husband was in 20’s and immature. Not ready to be a dad. I also saw a huge amount of divorces in mid-late 40’s when one spouse (more often husband) had a mid-life type crisis.
Every phase has its challenges and stressors. But having shared values and goals, good communication and making time for fun are all necessary. And of course--you need the spice! He/she needs to make your heart go pitter-pat and you need to always make sure your partner feels wanted, valued and appreciated.
Above all-you have to be happy with yourself so you can be a good partner.
Having enough money makes it easier too.
 
The seven-year itch ??:bigsmile:
 
The most volatile year is the year that everything goes to hell and you have every reason to walk but you decide instead to work it out.
 
baby monster said:
I think it's not the years but stressors like birth of a child, purchasing or renovating a place to live, job loss, etc. Whenever two people feel like they're not on same team or share same vision on how to move forward, relationship falls apart.
Click to expand...

Very much agree with this!!! It's how you handle those change of events that really test a marriage to the point of making it together or not. I do think you might handle things *better* than at the beginning since you've presumably learned more about one another, but that's not always the case.
 
I should add that there are other things like long term addiction that I probably would not be able to live with, either, so I didn't mean to not include other severe things that add up to abandonment of the spouse.
 
We got married at 20 years old and have been married 38 years this July. Our first year was a breeze, I seem to remember joking that year 7 was kind of tough. I remember a few arguments and issues we have had that I wondered if they would break us, but we were both committed. We have weathered some big outside issues with our kids as well. I remember reading or hearing someone say, that men need to be respected and women need to feel loved, and I think that is pretty true as least in our case. I could not live without knowing my husband loves me deeply. We have also tried to put the other before ourselves in pretty much everything. When you do that, and selfishness is tamped down a bit, it makes everybody happy. At least that is what has worked for us. Selfishness kills a lot of marriages.
 
Dancing Fire said:
The seven-year itch ??:bigsmile:
Click to expand...
That was definitely the hardest year on my marriage. What a cliche. And it had nothing to do with babies, a move, job changes - nothing! Just a year of stupid behavior and really disliking each other. I don't even know how we snapped out of it, we just one day did.
 
We have always tried to "be a team" in whatever is thrown at us. Sure we annoy each other with little things probably most of the time, but if there's upset or stress, we always talk. And the most comforting part of our relationship in a way is when something has been spinning me out & he will hug me & say "we'll get through this. We're a team remember?" He always makes me feel that I am never alone in anything. When we had our first daughter I suddenly decided I didn't want to go back to work. I had a very good job with higher than average salary. I still remember the look on his face & the big gulp sound he made :lol: But that was immediately followed with "ok, if you're sure then we can make it work. We'll have to tighten our belts, but it's not impossible." I will always be grateful for that, as right at that point in time if he'd have said no, you have to go back, I think it would have broken me & our marriage would have taken a very different track. We even reassure our girls when they are faced with their own individual problems, that as a family we will find answers because we are a team. In a world where most of their friends & a few of their cousins are from broken homes, this gives them a lovely cushion of security. I'm proud of my little team & I hope we can always work things out & move in the same direction.
 
For me it was around year 2, but it ended at year 10. It's hard to admit when you've made a huge mistake in your choice of spouse, especially when kids are involved. I don't know that I'd ever get married again, as I don't plan to have more children. Divorce is so awful and expensive and draining. Mine was finalized a month ago and it's not something I ever want to repeat!
 
Big hugs @Elliot86 Sounds like it's been an extremely hard time for you.
 
@Elliot86 hugs from me too. You went through hell and kept going and now you are at a happier and better place in your lives...for you and your children. Kudos for getting through such a difficult awful time.
 
We are each other's best friend. Its the reason why we work things out and the reason why we have been together so long.

Ok having separate houses help, though he's at mine 90% of the time (lol), but being best friends is key for us.

and before anyone asks, yes, it really is that way these days. After we left the northeast we made it a point to live somewhat separately out of necessity. If he's being ridiculous I can send him home and he knows it. when I need "alone time" because of work, he and the dog will go to "his house".

But seriously when we were together 24-7 in the early years I told him never lie to me. I would rather have my feelings hurt than being lied to. I detest being lied to and I will go into a rage about it (yes he learned the hard way). So he is VERY honest with me, even if it hurts my feelings. Personally that helps me stay accountable.
 
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