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Were you a 20-something parent? Or a "younger" parent?

PilsnPinkysMom

PilsnPinkysMom

Brilliant_Rock
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Oct 11, 2008
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Did you have kids when you and your SO were in this age range? What prompted you to start a family at that point in your life... any particular pros or cons? Anything you would do differently, or was it perfect timing for your family? General reflections?


I ask because DH and I are TTCing this fall at the ages of 28 and 25, respectively. I can't say I know of any other 25 or 26 year olds who are seriously considering parenthood. My peer group is barely even considering marriage! It makes me feel a little out of place, so I'd love to hear perspectives from BTDT 20-something or "younger" parents. How did you know that young parenthood was for you and you were up for the challenge?
 
I'm going to be 30 in about three months or so. I hope to have conceived by then. But I definitely wished I had children by now. I want more than one and I keep feeling that time is running out for me (after 35 things get iffy), and there's so many health advantages to having babies before your thirties.
 
It must be a regional thing. I know way more 20something moms that moms who waited in their 30s.

I was 27 when my daughter was born.

ETA: I didn't answer your question but don't have much to add. I decided to be a 20something mom when my bfp was staring back at me. I would have waited until my early 30s to start.
 
Like Fiery mentioned, for me it's regional. I live in the East Coast and the majority of my friends here did not get pregnant until they were in their mid 30's (and those with multiples are usually close to 40 before having a second or third). But I grew up in the midwest and most of my old friends from high school had their first in their early twenties. All of my sisters were done having kids by age 23.

I met my husband at 18, but we didn't get married until I was 26. Our plan was to start trying when I was 28, but we had a long "bucket list" of things we wanted to do first. We took the vacations we'd always wanted to take, we bought a house, we got a second dog...we didn't get around to start trying for a baby until I'd JUST turned 30.

In my mind, I see distinct advantages of being a young mom and an older mom. The advantage of the young mom is obviously energy! My family is very active and my sisters (who are all in their late 30's to early 40's) are always doing things with their kids--we have family wiffle ball tournaments, we go on long family bike rides (with my parents who are in their 50's). I love it.

On the other hand, all of my sisters will be empty-nesters in their early 40's. This is starting to hit them really hard now--they all feel really young and are not quite sure what to do with their lives when their kids are gone. But it is an opportunity to do the things they never got to do since they were young moms.
 
I had my first at 28. I was the first of my friends to have kids, and just went to my college BFF's wedding a few weeks ago- My oldest is 6 and I've got 2 other little ones! She was my bridesmaid 10 years ago :) . Do what feels right for you and your family.
 
Pils, I'm not a mama yet, but I want to say that from what I know of you here on PS I think you're going to be a wonderful parent!

My parents were 21 when they married, and 24 when they had me, and they don't regret it one bit. The time felt right for them, and they went for it.
 
We were 27 and 28 when we started TTC, so slightly older than you are, but still younger than most of our friends who are now just getting married. We started talking about it a few years before that, and made a list of a few things we wanted to complete before starting a family. A really nice vacation, make enough more per year for at least the day care expenses, and I wanted to finish my degree. We actually reached all those goals much faster than I anticipated. It did take longer to get knocked up than I thought, and Kyle was born right after I turned 29.

I did like being married with just the 2 of us for a while before adding a child into the mix. I was preggo for our 7th anniversary.
 
I had our first child when I was 32 and our second when I was 34 (I had losses before and after my first child), so our plan to start earlier didn't quite work out the way we'd planned. However, there's something to be had for being "just" a married couple for a while, because having children does change your life 180 degrees. I always wish that DH and I had met when we were earlier (he's 9 years older than I am, so we had our first child when he was 40!) so that we could have had more "just us" time before we had the kids. I have a feeling that by the time our kids are out of the house, we'll be in the throes of taking care of my parents and won't be able to be as carefree as I'd like us to be.

There's no right or wrong decision, but just make sure you're ready for the drastic change and embrace whatever comes your way.
 
I had my first at 29.5 years old. I wish I could have had kids in my mid-twenties, but DH and I didn't even meet until I was 26, so it wasn't an option. Taking care of a baby all day is hard work! I think I would have had more energy and been able to get by on less sleep in my early/mid twenties.

At the same time, I basically got to spend my twenties having fun, being carefree, traveling, and going out a ton so that was a nice perk.
 
PPM: I know we are both originally from the same area, and I totally understand what you're talking about. Sure, there are some people from high school who have kids, actually, a lot from my high school, but that doesnt mean your close friends from high school or college friends have had kids or are even thinking about it. You may find that some of your DHs married friends jump on the baby making wagon soon, tho. My DH is 30 now, and about half his friends have kids, half don't, and those that do didn't start until they were 28 or so...lots of toddlers and little babies amongst the group! None of my girlfriends from high school or college do...only my friends who are the wives of DHs friends have kids :cheeky: .

I kind of feel weird about the fact that I am the first amongst my girlfriends to be ready to have kids (ask our mutual friend, J...she would probably tell you im one of the last people from college she could imagine having a baby right now)...but I also would MUCH rather be a younger mom than wait. My parents were done having kids by the time my mom was 27 and my dad was 31....and we are just getting started! Given the choice...I wanted kids younger rather than older. DH and I are comfortable financially, have a house, stable jobs....we come home from work and just kind of say, "Ok, now what?"- we play on sports teams with friends, go to festivals, sporting events, etc. But obviously we were both ready for something more to make our lives even better, more fulfilling, and ready to tackle another adventure. When were are ~50, (possible) empty nesters, I think it will give us plenty of time to enjoy life alone as a couple, too. Perfect mix for us!
 
I'm 25, and my fiance's 27. Where we live, it seems like the majority of our peers already have children. While we definitely want children one day, and may start trying in as soon as two or three years from now, we're not ready yet.

Many of the people that I went to high school with just went to work right after graduating, or they pursued degrees at local community colleges. Most of them are already married, and/or have children. Even amongst the people who did pursue undergraduate and graduate degrees, most of them are now getting engaged and married, and some of them already have kids.

I am kind of torn about what I want. On the one hand, deep down, I'm a little bit jealous of my friends' ultrasound pictures, and my maternal instinct starts kicking in. On the other hand, I am definitely not ready for kids yet. I would like to be more established in my career, and I would also like to marry my fiance, and then have some time to ourselves before we start seriously thinking about having children.

For now, we're just playing it by ear, and we have no definite timeline (other than to wait for at least a couple of years more).

On a side note: this topic reminds me of one of my middle school friends. When we were in the sixth grade, she teased me for dating a boy who was half Mexican, and made comments about how I probably couldn't wait to start popping out his babies in a few years (I guess she thought that I would get pregnant at about 14 or so, ha!), since apparently Mexicans all have so many kids. She added me as a friend on facebook awhile back, and she and her boyfriend have three children - all born by the time that she was 23. I think that it's a little bit ironic!
 
I'll just say, "No" for myself and leave it at that since I have the sense that you aren't getting a lot of stories from Pricescopers who had their babies when they were very young.

Let me tell you, instead, that by not having a baby when I was a lot younger I very much out of step with all my friends!!!

First, I had two friends who got pregnant in high school. Abortions weren't legal in my state then (it was before Roe versus Wade and each state made its own laws on abortion). Besides that, both my friends were Catholic. I think both were 16 when they got pregnant. Both got married. One had her baby at 16; the other had her baby at 17. The one who had her baby at 16 had a serious kidney condition. Doctors had not thought she would ever be able to have a child!

Then I had another good friend, one of that same group, also Catholic, who got married at 20. Her first husband cheated on her and, although she was ready to overlook it, went off with someone else. She remarried and had two children in her twenties.

Second, when I was first married I made a good friend in the condominium in which my husband and I lived. She had been married for years but had her first baby "late" in her marriage at 26. (Her next one-my godson-was born six years later, when she was in her 30's, but she started in her 20's and couldn't believe how old I was when I got married! 26!)

And so it goes. Yes, I had friends who had babies later, too, but I remember the friend I just mentioned thinking that 26 was an ancient age to be a bride! (I think she had been 20.) I didn't know all the customs of her neighborhood (Brooklyn), either. She told me when you got married you were supposed to buy a bedroom set. I thought it was some kind of rule everyone but I knew. It took me years to figure out that it was just the custom of her social group! (By then I'd bought a bedroom set.)

Deb/AGBF
:read:
 
I had my son at 26 and my daughter at 28 and now we're done. I guess I never thought I was *that* young as my mom was just shy of 19 when I was born. I live in OH and most of those in my circle of friends had kids in their mid to late 20's. The women I know who delayed pregnancy beyond their late 20's are in a higher socio-economic class than I am (i.e. married rich ;) ) and have the luxury of staying home or working strictly as a hobby.
 
I was married to DH at 20, (engaged at 19 :eek: ) and our daughter was born when I was 21. Our son arrived 14 months later when I tuned 22. Those were hectic years without a doubt, and if we had to make that decision again, I'd wait until I was at least 25.

I also thought that we'd be empty nesters while still in our 40's and could travel extensively for as long as we wanted, but that never happened for several reasons, the nastiest of which was the deterioration of my health.

Our kids and grandgirls are doing very well and lately my health has improved so we have had some great vacations.

I chuckle when I hear of people having a 'life plan' because no matter how much you plan, life throws so many curves that you're lucky if you can plan a month at a time. :rolleyes:
 
My DH's circle (all guys) a lot of his friends married young, early 20s and had kids young, early 20s. All their wives are SAHMs and they all have multiple kids, anywhere between 2-4 kids each. The median number is 3 kids now that I think of it.

Among my friends, those of us that are married, married later , closer to 30. And a good portion of my friends are still unmarried/happily single. One *just* had a kid this year, me and one other friend are pregnant now, past 30. We're all working and getting pretty established in our careers.

Honestly I think it doesn't matter what other people do, it's what you do that makes sense for your life at that time. I wasn't looking to get married in my early 20s. I was WORKING, and was bustin' chops to get a degree and move ahead in my career. Once I had a career, it didn't feel "right" to me to give it up and TTC. I was still working, still building, still doing stuff for me. Now that I'm in a good company and enjoy my work, I'm in the frame of mind that I'm OK with shifting gears. I fully plan on going back to work and continuing my career, but as Isaku said, "Life is what happens. Not necessarily what you plan." So we'll take it as we go and make the best decisions that make sense for us when we get there. Who knows what I'll say a year from now :))

~LC
 
I had my first at 24 and my last at 26 but we started trying when I was 21. I had two miscarriages then took a break. Now my sons are 14 and 16 and I *wish* I had actually had them younger! I think being a young parent was the best thing ever, you have energy and you'll need it. Now with me being 40, just turned a month ago, I even hate typing it....but the nice thing is that my kids are in high school and I'm not OLD! I enjoy them so much, I can't imagine having teens and being older than I am. My brother is two years younger than me and has a 4 year old, whereas my youngest is 14.
 
I had my son at 21 and was an empty nester when I was 39. It was strange, I was on my own for the first time in my life but it was good too. I think now that if I had waited I might not have had a child. It's not that I don't love him to death but it's just that I might have talked my self out of it had I had more information.
 
The only drawback to having kids young is that you will be an early empty nester but maybe not, if your children live with you during college though. I wish it was possible to keep them little forever but no matter what age you have your children, they all eventually grow up.
 
We married when I was 24. Had DD at 26 and DS at 28.

I wanted them early. My Mom had a ton of miscarriages and thus my brother was 6 years older then me. We didn't grow together..

I knew I wanted to be a Mom from day one. And came from a crazy family, but I knew I would do it diffrerently.

They are 23 and 21. Very successful and just wonderful people. I would rather hang with them than anyone else...

I was the first of my group to be preggo. But here I am now, almost 50... Empty nest.. We can travel, and do what ever... It's a great time. ;))
 
We married at 27, first baby at 29 and second at 32. My parents and my aunts/uncles all had their kids younger. I think mom was 24 when she had me, and then my brother came not quite 2 years later. I don't think it made a difference age-wise how much time we spent together. We didn't do much as a family, like camping, hiking or trips. We spend more time playing and doing things w/our kids and we're older..I think part of that is b/c neither of us got a lot of it when we were younger.
 
It seems to greatly depend on the area you're in. For me, everybody in my age group has at least one child, often more. My area is also heavily populated by a religion that feels that children are the purpose of life. I know that I'm lonely as the childless one (who also doesn't want children). Also, keep in mind that just because you are trying at a young age doesn't mean it will happen. It took my parents 11 years of no birth control to finally have me. No that's not a typo - the doctors didn't know why they were not getting pregnant either. If you are comfortable and ready to have children now then I would go for it :)
 
both of our PITB daughter were born before we turned 30,no regrets.beleive me,25 yrs from now you and your DH will be very happy about the decision to have kids early.
 
I was 24 and DH was 28 when we had our first child. I'm currently pregnant with our second and I'll probably be 25 (maybe 26) when the baby is born and DH will be 29. This is common for our group of friends and family. We are both college educated and DH has his career. We just felt no reason to wait longer. By having kids young, we both have MUCH more energy to keep up with them. Finances aren't as cushy as they would have been if we had waited until our 30s but oh well! I also didn't want to delay because I had a sneaking suspicion that I would have trouble conceiving and I did... I'm glad I had age on my side, otherwise who knows if I'd ever be able to have kids!
 
We had our DD when I was 28 and DS when I was 30. We got married when we were 25 and 27. I wanted to have kids right away, but DH wasn't ready. Now I am glad that we had a few years to ourselves before the kids. And on the flip side, DH says that he didn't know how old he was until he had kids, and he is now telling his cousins not to wait too long to have kids. So our timing turned out perfect for us.
 
Sparkly Blonde|1312088089|2980941 said:
It seems to greatly depend on the area you're in. For me, everybody in my age group has at least one child, often more. My area is also heavily populated by a religion that feels that children are the purpose of life. I know that I'm lonely as the childless one (who also doesn't want children). Also, keep in mind that just because you are trying at a young age doesn't mean it will happen. It took my parents 11 years of no birth control to finally have me. No that's not a typo - the doctors didn't know why they were not getting pregnant either. If you are comfortable and ready to have children now then I would go for it :)
Click to expand...

It's so interesting to hear how much this varies. I'm 28, and among my friends, not a single person has a child yet, although 2 or 3 got pregnant this year. A few of my colleagues have children, though. My parents had me (their firstborn) at 26 (mom) and 30 (dad).

I also find this interesting: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/08/14/health/webmd/main5242339.shtml

I can't believe the AVERAGE age at first childbirth was 21 in 1970!!! That seems SO young! Even 25 (in 2006 - it may be higher now) seems so young to me. I'm 28 and I don't want kids, but even if I did, I wouldn't feel anywhere near ready until, at the very least, 5 years from now. But that's why it's such a personal choice. It doesn't matter what others do...what matters is what feels right for you.

ETA: Oh, I also wanted to mention that even though your and my peer groups seem to be on the later end with having children, I don't think that's the case for most of the country. You're probably not far off from the average age as mentioned above.
 
I was 24 when we had our son. We were married 5 years before he was born. He came at the perfect time. We were ready for him too.
 
We just felt ready, but I want to say that almost all my kids' parents are around the same ages as dh and me (give or take a year or two) so it seems like we ended moving to an area where it's common to begin a family in late 20s ***and*** we developed a new peer group as a result. I was 27 when my first was born and 29 when my second was (something like that!). What is really weird is there are A LOT of parents we know who have kids who are two years apart and in the same grades as our kids are going into -> 5th and 3rd. There's over 20 families I know of who have their children entering into the two same grades my kids are!
 
shihtzulover|1311904120|2979424 said:
Many of the people that I went to high school with just went to work right after graduating, or they pursued degrees at local community colleges. Most of them are already married, and/or have children. Even amongst the people who did pursue undergraduate and graduate degrees, most of them are now getting engaged and married, and some of them already have kids.!
Click to expand...

Oh my gosh, it trips me out looking on FB at my friends from HS. A LOT of them had kids right out of school and now are posting photos of their kids graduating from HS. A few years back I posted a photo of my son "graduating" from Kindergarten. Nobody was impressed! lol
 
My 19-month-old was born when I was 24 and DH had just turned 28. We expected to have trouble conceiving because of family history on both sides, but we didn't! The money is a bit tight because I got pregnant while looking for my frst "real job", so that put it on hold for a while, and then I was still unsuccessful after my maternity leave. I'm taking some online classes right now. The whole thing definitely puts #2 on hold, but he or she will most likely happen before my 30s still. No regrets, I prefer having more energy, I enjoyed my time at home with DS, plus we'll be empty-nesters younger. We were always more family oriented, I have to say. In regards to regional influence, I would say that we are in the younger bunch. Most first-time parents here are in there late-20s, early 30s. My friends are not having kids yet, but DH's (and my brother's, who is the same age) are all starting their families.
 
Sorry for returning to this thread so late- I was out of town for a four day weekend of pre-wedding celebrations for a dear friend of mine. She is the first of my pals from back home to get married and I am beyond excited for her!

ANYWAY- Thanks for all of your responses... they really got me thinking and definitely provided me with reassurance (which, admittedly, is what I was searching for). I appreciate the sharing of personal stories and divulging the details of your family planning decisions.

It's true that family planning is very much connected to region. Jstar, thanks for sharing that link! I'm originally from the midwest and know of lots of couples/singles who had kids young, though none are from my old friend-group. Now that I live out west, I don't know of any ~25 year old parents. Clearly I am okay with straying a bit from my city's norm!

Charbie, your post made me laugh. My husband and I love to take hikes, go on jogs with the dog, eat frozen yogurt, and watch Netlix. I was at JB's bachelorette party this weekend and my hubby decided to have a guy's night out while I was away. We both had fun, but also agreed that beaucoup drinking at bars/dancing/"going out" isn't our idea of a good time these days. Pajamas, puzzles, baseball games, and bike rides are all more appealing. Are we an old married couple or what?!

Yenny: The part of your post where you suggested couples make sure they're really, truly ready for the changes parenthood brings really stood out to me. I'm not fully confident I know what changes are headed our way, other than the added expense, loss of sleep, and some loss of flexibility/freedom. I feel certain that our wish to start a family is stronger than our desire to travel more, finish a few more home projects, or buy a new car. I do, however, worry that I may regret not having extra time with DH. I am selfish in that regard- I love spending time as just the two of us. We've been together since I was 19, but only married for 1 year 8 months, and our married years have been the best yet!

My own mom had baby #1 at 32 years old, and me at 35. She's a great example of a slightly older mama (by early 80's standards) who kept up with two wild and crazy kids. She and my dad were married for 10 years before having my sister, but they were actively TTC for six years with no luck. She always says, "I don't vividly remember much of the first 10 years of our marriage, but I know I had fun and enjoyed my freedom... and got lots of sleep!!"
 
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